Smashing the 4th Wall
by AutumnFortune
Summary: Sam crosses the 4th wall into the Marvel Cinematic Universe. Here she'll team up with Deadpool, the Avengers and perhaps even Dr. Strange in order to make it back to her own universe. As a Deadpool fanfic there is very adult language, violence, more violence, scenes sexual in nature, and what ever else he gets up to.
1. Chapter 1

Three Years Ago (Reality)

Samantha woke up feeling cold and a little stiff, almost as if she had slept wrong. "Furnace must have gone out" she mumbled to herself, eyes still closed. They'd been hoping the furnace would last the winter before they replaced it come spring but their luck must have run out. Sighing she opened her eyes and was startled to find she wasn't in the bedroom she and her husband Jonathan shared. Instead she was in their car, or what remained of their car. Not daring to move her head she was staring at the windshield, or more accurately the destroyed beam that used to hold the windshield in place, but all that was left was glittering pieces of glass and twisted steel. She couldn't remember being in the car at all and just sat there a moment waiting for it to make sense.

Suddenly it occurred to her she was on the right side, which meant she wasn't the driver, which meant Jonathan was in this wreck with her. And with that realization it all came flooding back. They'd been heading north to visit her parents before the 'season' started. They had just cleared the tunnel traveling in the center lane when a car to the left of them had spun into them.

"The boys" she screamed, no longer worrying about the dangers of moving. Her wide eyes took in the sight of Jonathan pinned by the steering column, as she pivoted as much as the crushed metal would allow. In the rear seat more torn metal and smashed glass met her eyes. Directly behind Jonathan their eldest James, age 9, was still buckled in his seat but he slumped sideways against the smashed in door. Blood showed on the door frame and his clothes but he didn't appear to be bleeding anymore. Sarah rallied hoping that he would also regain consciousness like she had.

She had to twist further in her seat to find Wyatt as he sat directly behind her. Ignoring the sharp metal that dug into her side she levered herself around. What she saw tore her heart out, where her 'baby' had sat was the twisted front of another car. It wasn't the same color as the car that had spun out on the left so there must have been a third car involved in the accident. She couldn't even see the seat that six-year-old Wyatt had been in.

Samantha would scream herself hoarse before rescue workers finally got to her. She remained twisted in the seat staring at her own personal abyss. She had no way of knowing that she and her family were actually the second car in a 37 car pile-up coming out of the Cumberland Gap Tunnel. More than three counties would end up sending in fire trucks and ambulances in an effort to get to everyone as quickly as possible, but it would still be two hours. When a flash of reflective yellow finally caught her attention and she turned to see the volunteer fire-fighter he froze. He had never imagined that anyone in the first 10 cars had survived, but there she sat pinned in the torn up sedan piercing him with her haunted face.


	2. Chapter 2 That Ain't Right

Three Years Later (Marvel Cinematic Universe)

Samantha woke up feeling cold and a little stiff, as if she had slept wrong, deja-vu all over again. She cracked her right eye open fully expecting to see a busted up car. She never really trusted her wake-ups anymore. But instead of her mutilated BMW she instead found a tastefully decorated hotel room. Apparently she had kicked the covers off in the middle of the night and that was why she was cold. She sat up noting she was still in her clothes from the night before. She was not however in the hotel room she had rented in Atlanta. This was a much nicer looking hotel, definitely not the Best Western.

"Well Sam it finally looks like you've lost your mind, it only took three years" she chided herself. Walking over to the desk she located the assorted junk that every hotel had, stationary, menu, list of services the hotel provided. Once upon a time she had traveled quite a bit for work, now she mostly worked from her condo. "Well, time to order some room service and a paper I guess. Least I know I'm in New York City now" she murmured

Sam considered that she should be a lot more worried than she was waking up in a strange hotel room, half the Atlantic seaboard away from where she started at. But for the past three years she hadn't been very excited or worried about anything. More than one therapist had told her it was a coping mechanism but frankly it just felt like she was rolled up in bubble-wrap watching the outside world. At this point since she was alone, dressed, and not feeling drugged so she couldn't manage anything but apathetic curiosity, she'd figure it out after breakfast.

Sighing she picked up the phone and hit 0, and waited a bit for the room service clerk to answer.

"Hey yeah I'm up in" she glanced at the information packet, "room 1372, and I'd like to order some breakfast and the paper. I'd like some eggs scrambled, with cheese, some fruit, and uh some bacon please. Hmm, yeah the Times will be fine, and anything you got that's local. Yep just charge it to the room account."

Looking around she spied her messenger bag which normally held her electronics and any work she might be toting around but not her suitcase. Hmm looked like she was going shopping later. Well she was if her wallet were still in her messenger bag, otherwise she might be in a bit of trouble. Rummaging through her bag she pulled out her iPhone and tablet. She'd start doing some checking on those in a second to see if there was a text or an email that indicated why she was here instead of getting ready to do the Peachtree in Atlanta. It would have been her first time running it since Wyatt was born and she had been looking forward (as forward as she looked to anything) to being part of the masses that would run the race that July 4th. First thing first she had to locate her wallet. Although, she reasoned, if she had checked into the Marriott they had to have gotten a form of payment. And since she was alone she would assume it was from her. Sure enough her wallet was at the bottom where it always seemed to get lodged. A quick check inside revealed that her GA driver's license and cards were all where they belonged.

The matter of her wallet settled she turned back to her phone preparing to check her neglected Facebook account and see if she had any texts. She should probably call her mom as well and let her know she wasn't going to be in Atlanta this weekend but rather in New York City. Thumbing what she personally referred to as the wake up button she was surprised to see her phone wouldn't come on. Well it had been in her bag all night, it was probably out of charge, sighing she dug the charger out and plugged it in. But no red light came on indicating that it was charging.

"Great, it never rains but it pours" she grumbled. "I better either be able to fix this or get my pictures off this dam thing" With a weary sigh she set the offending electronic down and turned to her tablet.

Before she could pick it up however she was interrupted by a knock on the door. Trust the Marriot to be timely when it came to room service. A lifetime ago she had stayed a week while attending a work conference. Her clients now were much more likely to want to meet at the Denny's or in their kitchen. She preferred it that way, she was home more now.

Shaking off her musings she crossed the room to open the door and usher the bellhop in. He smiled blandly at her, and offered her the receipt to sign.

"Nice to see people starting to come back after the attacks" He commented off hand.

"It's been over a decade I imagine the tourist trade would have picked up by now. I mean 9/11 was horrible but it's not exactly a reason to stay away from the city." She murmured handing over the receipt and pen.

"Not 9/11, I meant the aliens, but the Avengers sure wiped them up. You remember, it happened about 18 months ago. A giant hole opened up over the city and aliens tried to take us all out but superheroes stopped them…" He stammered to a stop noticing the look on Sam's face.

Samantha couldn't be sure but she thought perhaps she was using her 'mom' face on the young man. The 'you better either tell the truth or come up with a way better lie' face. Between James and Wyatt, she had perfected that look. It had been hard work keeping up with the boys when they were wired up. Halloween of '12 had been especially memorable…

Shaking her head to clear the memory she arranged her features into a bland smile and replied.

"Well I had better get started on these eggs before they get cold" And with that she ushered him back out the door.

Some people are way to wrapped up in fantasy land, she thought to herself. I mean I know people love the Avengers movies and the other ones but it's not like the actually happened. Although if Wolverine WAS real, and looked like Hugh Jackman she would happily put up with the smell of cheap beer and cigars. Well at least for a few days. She smiled slightly, between her boys and her husband being Marvel freaks she could have gotten her Ph.D. in the characters. Well at least the movie versions, the boys hadn't been old enough for most of the comics so James hadn't grilled her on those details. Just the movies and cartoons. James would definitely have loved talking to the bellhop.

Sitting down at the table she snagged her tablet and tried to open it up while she forked some eggs into her mouth. Delicious just like she remembered, and it cheered her a bit as she started to go about figuring out what was going on. That cheer was short lived as she realized that her trusty Apple tablet was also failing to come on.

"Oh come on, both of you can't fail me now" she moaned, her eggs forgotten. "I need you to be working so I can figure out if I need to be working or I just blew off my Atlanta vacation in favor of a NY vacation"

Beyond frustrated, she had never been good with tech, she stuffed both devices back in her messenger bag and grabbed the paper laying on top of her tray. Well the top paper since their appeared they had provided her with two. At least the Times was still capable of letting her know what was going on. She gasped when she saw the headline, _Avenger's to Host 4_ _th_ _of July Gala._ Okay this was just getting weird, her devices weren't working, her bellhop was talking about fictional events as if they had seriously happened, and the day's paper was headlining the key characters in that fictional event.

Sam looked around quickly, trying to see if there were cameras in her room and this was just some elaborate hoax. That's it, it had to be an America's Funniest Video's sort of thing. Any moment now Bob Saget was going to pop out from behind the drapes and ask her how it felt to be tricked by her family.

"Jokes over you can come out now…." She hesitates waiting for a response.

She snatched up the other paper about to see if it was also in on the joke when she saw what publication it was. The Daily Bugle, the one always claiming Spiderman was a menace. The Daily Bugle didn't exist in real life, this had to be another joke. This could not really be happening. Either someone was playing a horrible joke on her or her sanity had finally snapped.

To be fair she had imagined it was going to snap more than once since the accident. Maybe she was just dreaming, or this was something inside her head. Maybe she was still trapped in the car and if she could just snap herself awake she could be back to normal. Gods if she was lucky she could even manage to be dreaming curled up in bed next to her Jonathan, before the accident ever happened. Yeah that would be perfect, and if she managed to wake herself up he would pat her arm and tell her it was just a dream before dragging her closer and they'd both fall back asleep.

Hurrying to the attached bathroom she splashed some water on her face, but instead of waking her up it just made her have to pee. Not at all promising. All she saw as she faced the mirror was the same titan hair, green eyes and pale skin looking back at her. Only in her mid-30s her skin still looked like that of a much younger woman, and thanks to her training for various races she had an athletic figure on her 5'6" frame. Jonathan had teased her that she was Merida all grown up. Well Merida, if Merida was slightly clumsy, was always reading, and had no idea how to shoot a bow.

"Well Merida, time to sort some shit out" she told her reflection, and headed out to find the hotel concierge.

 **Thanks everyone who has taken the time to read this. This is my first published work where I can actually get reviews back so any and all of them mean a lot to me. From here on out you should be getting a chapter a week. Deadpool will be appearing in the next chapter, sorry to keep you waiting so long.**


	3. Chapter 3 Coffee, Clothes, and Sanity

(Pink Box)

{Sassy Yellow Box}

[Intellectual White Box]

(MCU)

She had started with the phone on the table in her hotel room, thanking heaven that her parents still had the same number she had grown up with, she dialed the numbers. An operator informed her that the number no longer existed. When that failed she tried calling her momma's cell, same thing. She even tried dialing her office phone number hoping to hear her voice mail but that number was also out of service. Starting to worry she was actually trapped in the hotel room she grabbed up her messenger bag and headed out the door. Which thankfully opened without the least bit of hesitation. Stepping out of the room she saw that the hallway was clear, which wasn't exactly surprising at 9 am in the morning. She closed the door softly behind her and made her way toward the elevator, visible just down the hall. Sam waited, jerkily moving from foot to foot as if expecting someone to try to stop her from leaving the floor. Thankfully the elevator was prompt and opened smoothly to admit her just a few moments after pushing the button to summon it.

Punching the button for the first floor of the elevator she intended to ask the concierge for a computer terminal for guests and the name of the nearest department store. She'd start with the front desk first, and probably extend her stay until at least tomorrow morning. A few nights at the Marriot wouldn't blow her budget despite her love of frugal living. Arriving in the elegant foyer of the building she headed straight for the service desk. She was in luck and didn't have to wait for anyone else to talk to the clerk.

"Hi, I'm Sarah Wiley, from up in room 1372, and I was just wondering for how long I had put my stay down for? She smiled at the clerk.

"No problem ma'am let me just look that up for you." The younger women said while glancing down to check the computer. "Looks like we have you here through to next Friday. Are you in town for the holiday or are you here on business"?

"Well I was certainly due for a vacation" she hedged.

The clerk laughed and asked if there was anything else that she could do for her.

"Not really, just point me in the direction of either the media room or the concierge's" she replied.

She spent more than an hour that morning in the media room of the hotel searching the internet. She even googled her own name and couldn't find a thing. No Facebook account, although she could find Facebook, no evidence of the company she owned, no evidence of her graduation. Weirdly she still had a bank account and her investment account showed up, the balance was even the same as it had been when she checked yesterday morning. But neither account showed any transactions occurring besides the charge for the Marriott. She was a 100% sure she had cursed while paying her electric bill earlier in the week and that, along with the hundreds of other transactions that showed a person's daily interactions with the world, should be posted. She also had a driver's license through the DMV of GA but no record of tickets, no records of the accident, nothing that proved she was a real person vs a ghost account. She had even googled property records in GA and couldn't find any evidence of her condo or a record of her other house being sold.

When all she had found looked like a paper person she started to work on finding more out about where she really was, because she knew she wasn't in the Marvel Universe. Most likely she'd wake up again and find herself on a nice hospital bed or a nice quiet padded room but she certainly wasn't hanging out with comic book characters. That particular search wasn't any more fulfilling than trying to find out why she would be in New York.

She was definitely becoming frantic when another hour of searching had just brought up more and more evidence that she wasn't in the city she remembered. Everywhere she turned there were articles on superheroes and what they were doing for New York, and the world at large. She was really starting to worry that she had succumbed to some sort of madness. Heck there was even an article in Business Week saying what Avengers Tower was doing for the economy and how rebuilding New York was being subsidized in part by Stark Enterprises.

Samantha leaned back in the desk chair and massaged her temples while telling herself to take deep breaths. She needed to get out of here and walk around, see New York for herself rather than what the internet said. After all the internet could be manipulated, this all could still be some elaborate hoax. God she prayed it was just an elaborate hoax, or heck at this point she was even sort of looking forward to a padded room and concerned doctors the next time she woke up. She definitely needed to take a break and go and buy some caffeine. Everything was better with coffee, right?

Concierges were truly one of the greatest things ever, Sam thought as she exited the hotel in her quest for coffee, clothes and sanity (in that order). The noble man had assured her that they could make up for the airline losing her luggage (hey it might be true) and had a few suggestions within an easy walk where she could pick up some clean clothes. He had also told her of a number of places where Starbucks were located within the vicinity. Bless that man. Besides the coffee, she personally intended to check every paper box, bodega, and 7-Eleven in between her hotel and the stores to see if all the papers were the same. Also catch any news footage that might be on TV that might shed some light on the subject.

Pushing through the revolving door she walked into the warm humidity of July in New York City, not nearly as hot as she was used to but still comforting after the cool air of the hotel. She was still wearing her black capris and t-shirt from yesterday but there wasn't much she could do about that until she purchased some new clothes. At least her hair had been freshly washed yesterday and had managed to stay in the braid she had put it in so she looked fairly presentable. She hadn't been able to put on her 'face' as it were but truth be told she had been slacking on that for the last three years anyway. Before the accident she didn't leave the house unless she was camera ready but after the accident she just didn't have it in her to bother. Now she was a t-shirt and braid sort of girl, despite her momma's concern over what she termed "despondency".

Turning left on Lexington she spotted a familiar green sign and sighed in relief, coffee was going to make everything better. She hurried to slip inside the door and get in line behind what appeared to be a gaggle of tourists. At least she assumed they were tourists from their "I LOVE NY" shirts and Broadway shopping bags. Of course she was also a tourist but she had always preferred blending in, well as much as her riot of red curls would allow. She smiled a bit just enjoying the normalcy of being in line to order her venti. She even stopped to admire the NYC coffee mugs they had. Maybe if she straightened out what was going on she'd swing back this way and grab one to take home with her. If she still had a home another part of her brain interjected.

She pushed that thought aside as she made it up to the counter. She eyed the pastry selection for a moment but despite her not finishing breakfast she wasn't terribly hungry. So instead she settled for a venti white chocolate mocha, hot, despite the heat outside. She deplored cold coffee, to her way of thinking if your coffee was cold you should either throw it in the microwave or pour a fresh cup. If she wanted a cold sugary sweet drink she'd have tea, thank you very much.

She had a tense moment as she handed her card over, slightly apprehensive if it might actually work or not, and then stood aside in relief when the barista handed back her card and a receipt. She people watched for a few moments while she waited for her coffee to come up but she didn't see anything that would prove that this morning's discombobulation was just a horrid prank. It only took a minute for the young man manning the steamer to fix her drink and she was headed back out the door. She needed some toiletries and some fresh clothes next. Then she could return to the hotel and get a shower. On a positive note she bet she could find some really nice body-wash and lotion at one of the boutiques. Another thing that had died away after the accident was her collection of pampering supplies.

Back out on the street she debated taking a cab west towards the 5th Ave shopping district but decided that she'd prefer the walk. Besides last time she was here she hadn't really explored the streets or seen any of the smaller boutiques. Not 20 minutes later she was insanely glad she had decided to walk. She had stumbled upon a boutique that was just up her alley. GiGi's was tucked below the street level and housed an impressive supply of handmade toiletries, including lemon verbena sugar body scrub. It also contained a decent selection of lingerie. Thankfully her size was an 'on the rack' size so she didn't really have any trouble finding things. She picked out a 4-day supply of basics and added them to the pile she was amassing on the counter.

The pink haired girl behind the counter turned out to be the owner and she chatted animatedly to Sam as she stacked her items next to the old fashioned register.

"Did you see on the news this morning, Jameson say's there's another Spiderman running around. Of course he swears this one's a menace as well but he says that about Spidey all the time and I've never considered him that bad. He helped a friend of mine with a purse snatching one time." She didn't wait for an answer from Sam before continuing.

"And of course they showed Captain America and the archer guy stopping a robbery yesterday. I can't believe crooks still try stuff with Spidey and the Avengers in town." The pink haired lady continued, shaking her head as if in exasperation.

"Actually no I didn't catch it, are they on the news often?" Sam queried as the last of her items was rung up.

"Oh yeah, Jameson is always ranting about Spiderman, and Stark is in the news all the time, either for his company, or as Iron Man, or for not showing up where he's supposed to. Like this gala thing they have coming up, I'd bet good money that if Stark makes it it's only because Captain America forced him there." She answered.

Samantha absorbed all this, trying to match everything with the reality she thought she knew in her head. She was really tempted to sit in a ball and sob on the floor of GiGi's but her momma had been big on "fix your crazy and start acting like a lady" so she kept a smile plastered to her face and handed over her card when Ms. Pink gave her the total. She murmured a thanks as she tucked her receipt into her messenger and hefted her bag.

Halfway to the door she turned and asked a quick question "Do you know the closest place I could purchase a tablet?"

"Out the door take a left, go about a half block and you'll see a RadioShack, they have Stark tablets" Ms. Pink answered helpfully.

Sam smiled her thanks and headed out the door toting the loaded shopping bag. It took her little time to locate the RadioShack and she wasted no time asking the clerk, whose tag labeled him Ryan, for the newest model tablet. He happily led her over to a display of tablets. He didn't seem to mind explaining them and how they ran off the Stark Sat network.

"This one operates off the satellite network so you can use it anywhere even if they don't have Wi-Fi." He explained. "It's a bit more expensive but if you travel a lot for business it's going to be the best choice for you. It's also a bit more intuitive than say the tablet offered by Verizon. It has a ton of storage, but you can also add storage if you should ever find you need it. And of course they come with the Stark music app already downloaded so you can transfer your library over to the device as soon as you log in". He seemed genuinely excited about the technology as he showed her all the things it could do.

"This is great, my other tablet stopped working this morning and honestly it's making me a bit edgy to be without it". She smiled gratefully at the help. "Also I need another phone and carrier contract so if I could possibly get a recommendation there as well. I used my old one for the camera and for the Facebook and Runtastic app honestly. At least when I wasn't using it as a phone anyway. Today has been a really bad day for me tech wise". She explained.

After ascertaining she didn't have a contract with any of the major carriers, which she learned were AT&T, Stark, and Verizon but not the Sprint she had been using, she signed up for a new StarkPhone and contract. When he gave her an incredulous look over her lack of cell phone carrier she explained that she had spent a lot of time out of country the last few years so had resorted to using a pre-paid when she was stateside. But now she was back and was going to need full time coverage. It seemed to appease him and he rang her up with no further comment.

Today was rapidly becoming a very expensive day for her. But the past few years of frugal living had certainly built up her accounts so she wasn't overly concerned. Perhaps there was an upside to living like a hermit outside of work. All she had done the past three years was work, run, go to the gym, and read at home. Well she had seen a few movies when they came out on DVD, but that hardly counted as living the night life. She kept on meaning to try yoga but she wasn't really the type to relax outside of a good book.

Bidding farewell to Ryan she returned to the street and debated continuing with her bags in tow or going back to the hotel, but she hadn't found any clothes she could shower and change into. One more store then, even if it was a bodega with tourist shirts. But luck was with her, finally, and she spotted a small clothing boutique just a little further down. Already tired of shopping and wanting to get back to the hotel so she could watch the news broadcasts and try and formulate a plan she quickly picked out three casual outfits suitable for wandering the city in and a dressier outfit and shoes just in case.

The walk back to the hotel took her a bit because she stopped to check random newspaper boxes, all of which were either the Daily Bugle or the Daily Globe, with a few NY Times thrown in to keep her hopes alive. However, they all had the same headlines. Finally, back in her room she plugged her new Stark tech in to charge and laid out a new outfit to wear after her shower. She also turned on the TV to the news channel and kept an eye on it as she stowed her other purchases away in the dresser provided. She'd be the first to admit she was a bit of neat nick. But given that her job was to watch other people's money, neatness and attention to detail counted.

Stepping into the bathroom she undressed and unbraided her hair. Her new toiletries were already laid out and she quickly brought the water for her shower to temp. She turned the water as hot as she could stand despite what the humidity it created would do to her hair and stepped into the stream of water. She sighed in pleasure and some of the knots of tension left her shoulders and back as she stood under the spray.

Sam had observed that the only real problem with a hot shower was that it gave you time to think. But today she needed it as she tried to figure out what to do. If she looked at all the evidence she had seen today than she was truly in the Marvel Universe and not reality. Well her reality anyway as she had to admit that this place seemed too dam real. But if she admitted she was in a different reality than she had to find a way to get back to her own reality. She had a job and family at home and she needed to get back before her family started to worry and her business fell apart from neglect. The only problem was she knew nothing about dimensional travel, and she didn't think it was something that you could learn online in six easy courses.

"Maybe I should have bought ruby slippers" she mused to herself.

While she scrubbed with her new body-wash she debated her options. Well who do we know in the Marvel Universe (hah MU), hmm let's see it has to be someone that would know about science and be willing to believe in extra dimensions. I guess that would be Tony Stark, I know he lives here, and Dr. Richards (I hate the name Mr. Fantastic, seems presumptuous) and Dr. Strange. Although I'm pretty sure that Dr. Strange isn't going to let me just waltz into his house (sanctum) but maybe if we yell really loud in our head he'll make a house call. (Probably should be out of the shower before we attempt that one) But I think our most reasonable choice would to be call Tony Stark and see if we can arrange to speak to him. (Perhaps Dr. Banner is there too, that would be really helpful, two geniuses are better than one) We could ask Shield to look into it. (Assuming Shield actually exists right now, besides Hydra) Yeah I don't think we should trust Shield any further than we could throw them, that's just asking to be locked up somewhere and questioned.

Decision made she rinsed and stepped out of the water. Wrapping a hotel towel securely around herself she finger-combed her curly hair to make sure that the washing hadn't tangled it. She went through an enormous amount of conditioner in an attempt to tame her tresses and today wasn't going to be an exception to that. It just seemed to eat hair brushes, she'd broken the last one a while ago and had just decided that finger combing and braiding were going to big features in her hair care routine. Once she was sure it was tangle free she quickly started braiding it into a crown arrangement. It wasn't the simplest way of doing it but it would keep the heavy locks off of her neck in the summer heat. Too much heat and humidity and she'd start looking like a Russ troll. (we'd have the orange stone or maybe a red one) Sam's sarcastic inner voice was in full swing today it seemed.

Sam pushed an army of bobby pins into her hair to hold it in place and then quickly dressed in the clothes she had laid out. It was a simple outfit, a peacock colored tank with a cream peasant blouse and a pair of khaki shorts. Sam's mother was a big believer in simple yet quality pieces beat glitz any day. Besides the outfit would go good with the cream colored converse she'd been wearing earlier. Just then a noise from the bedroom portion of her suite caught her attention.

The noise it turned out was J. Jonah Jameson yelling on TV that the 'spider menace' had been spotted in yet another costume and that a person on the streets had managed to get some footage on their phone. The footage that they showed wasn't the highest resolution but Sam could clearly make out the person that Jameson was ranting about. And it wasn't Spiderman. Nope, this was definitely Deadpool, she recognized the red and black costume completely devoid of web motif. Besides it looked like he had two swords strapped to his back and at least one gun strapped to his thigh, it was hard to tell though because in the footage it appeared he was sitting on the roof of one of the city's lower buildings eating what might be tacos.

"Jonathan was right; Jameson is an idiot" she told the TV. "How he can mistake an adult man with guns and swords for some teenager with webs is beyond me" she grumbled.

(And he looks like he did in the movie, hmm wonder if Wolverine does?!) said her inner hussy.

Sam had to admit that when her sons had asked her who her favorite characters were she had been much more likely to answer with Wolverine, Loki, or Deadpool than with Thor or Captain America. Not that both of those characters weren't nice to look at, she just needed a bit more 'darkness' to consider them compelling. She had liked Iron Man for his snark but since the accident his drinking had nagged at her. She really couldn't consider him a good role model for kids. Of course one could easily argue that her other picks weren't exactly stellar role models either. But she hadn't lived through assassins trying to 'un-alive' her or skewer her where as she had survived a car accident caused by alcohol.

Fortunately, she didn't need to like Iron Man in order to pick his brains for her return trip to her dimension. Time to make a phone call and arrange an appointment to see him. It didn't take Samantha long to find out that while this worked great in theory it didn't appear to work in reality. Apparently Tony Stark only did consultations on the third Thursday of every month, and as such was booked through to November. She had tried to explain why it was an emergency but she had the distinct impression that she lost them as soon as she said the words 'portal' and 'extra dimension'. Now what?

How was she going to get into the tower without an appointment? Or get his attention outside the tower without also attracting the attention of SHIELD or the cops. No, she definitely needed to get inside the tower to talk to him in private. But how, her thoughts kept on circling as she tried to find a way in, but she knew that he had the computer system Jarvis that would bar her access.

"Wait a minute, isn't Deadpool always sneaking inside the tower"? She was so excited she spoke aloud.

Well maybe not always but we've seen him do it at least once. And if he could get in he could get her in. Sure it would trip some alarms but surely once she explained why she had broken in Stark would understand. Of course there was the matter of finding Deadpool and convincing him to help her out without accidently getting herself killed. At least thanks to Jameson she knew he was in Manhattan. She also knew he liked chimichangas so she'd just have to stake out Mexican eateries and food trucks. Not like there wasn't a million of them in the city. She was pretty sure that Googling 'how to hire an assassin' was just going to attract unwanted attention.

Sam flopped down on the bed and thought over her options carefully. Deadpool had been filmed yesterday eating from what was probably a local to him food vendor. So if she could figure out where that was she could at least start looking there. Assuming he was a creature of habit he'd be back again and probably fairly soon. Jonathan had been a tall and fairly athletic man and he'd have eaten his weight in pizza if she had let him so she imagined that Deadpool would likely do the same with Mexican food. Of course there was no guarantee a known assassin would keep to a routine. But then again Deadpool didn't seem overly cautious or low profile.

Rolling to the left she snagged her new tablet off the bedside table where it had been charging. Bringing up the internet she brought up the Daily Bugle sight and looked for the earlier footage of Deadpool. Finding it she was pleased to see she had been right, he was eating tacos on a rooftop. Maybe if she blew up the video she could maybe read the name on the wrapper.

Once again she was in luck because when Samantha blew the image up she could clearly see a 'Tacos Y Ques' logo on the wrapper. A quick Google search gave her a match with Tacos Y Quesadillas with an address up on 9th where it crossed 58th. Thankfully it was really close to Avengers Tower, so once she was over there and found Deadpool (Please let me find Deadpool) they could easily and quickly get into the tower.

She opted to take a cab as it was several blocks west of where her hotel lay. It was by no means a comfortable ride but thanks to traffic they never got going fast enough that her stomach would give her problems. One of the side effects of surviving a car accident was not really enjoying driving at high speeds ever again. At least that had been her experience. Her friend Edward who she had met through the accident didn't agree but he had his own issues to work through after being trapped in one of the other cars further back in the pile-up.

Finally, they made it over to 9th and 58th and she climbed somewhat shakily out of the cab. She was surprised, although she didn't know why, that the place was actually just a stand with a few tables out front instead of an actual restaurant. Perhaps it was because places in the south tended to be relaxed and sitting down oriented. Even within the hustle and bustle of Atlanta most places required you to sit down inside to eat, or at least on a patio or terrace. Of course that might also be the pressing need for AC down in Georgia.

Seeing as it was already nearly 6 by the time she had reached her destination she wasted no time in ordering some roast pork tacos and sitting down to eat and wait. She had no idea what she was going to do if Deadpool didn't show up here. Maybe she would go bang on the door to the tower tomorrow if she had no luck tonight. But she was prepared to sit and wait since she really had nowhere else to go and nothing else to do.

Samantha was on her third taco, man those things were good, when she noticed a tall man in jeans and a sweatshirt walking down the street towards the stand. Despite the summer heat his sleeves were down nearly to his finger tips and the hood of his sweatshirt was up over his head. Definitely a promising look from her perspective. His head was down but despite this he seemed to very aware of what was going on around him. The closer he came the surer she was that she had actually managed to be in the right place in the right time to find him.

As Deadpool came abreast of her she smiled and in a conversational voice said "Hello Wade".

The effect was nearly instantaneous, the man who she was now 100% certain was Deadpool, stood perfectly still with his right arm extended towards her holding a gun. His eyes, which she could now clearly see, flicked from side to side as if expecting a trap to be sprung around him. Behind her she heard a bang and somewhere in the back of her mind she realized that the Tacos Y people had prudently closed up shop. She slowly raised her hands level with her head and spread her fingers to indicate she wasn't armed and wasn't a danger to him.

Deadpool must have noticed the stand closing as well because if possible he looked even more pissed despite the fact that she still couldn't see much more than his eyes. He turned and pounded on the metal screen that had been pulled down.

"Oh come the fuck on, one little gun and you close! What about my fucking dinner!" He yelled as he kicked and pounded on the screen. When nothing happened he whipped back around planning on shooting the redhead who had just cost him his dinner.

"God dammit lady you just cost me my dinner, you'd better have a dam good reason for being here!" he growled at her.

[She knows our not so secret identity]

{WTF, there goes our dinner}

She was just about to reply that technically all she had done was say hi when she noticed something above his head. Right above him were two text boxes floating in midair. The white one currently read [ she just said hi] and the yellow one read {shoot first, then ask questions}. Sam swallowed nervously, she didn't want to die trying to get home but at the same time she didn't really have all that much to lose. Stealing herself to have a sudden and fatal hole in her head she replied

"Umm I didn't mean to scare you; I was actually waiting here hoping to run into you so that I could hire you for a job". His gun arm didn't relax but he still hadn't pulled the trigger so she plunged on.

"See I need to get into Avengers Tower so I can talk to Tony Stark, I already tried calling but I got brushed off as crazy, which really wasn't helpful at all but at this point I think he might be my best shot at getting home and I'd really like to get back to my home rather than hang out here in the Marriott, which is admittedly lovely but still…." She was rambling just a tad.

"I mean I know a little about this universe from watching the movies and the cartoons and the occasional comic but I'm pretty much lost. And I know that you know about the 4th wall and I really need to be back on the other side of the wall where I belong". Before she could continue she was interrupted by the boxes.

[Why are all the pretty ones crazy?]

{You mean bat shit crazy}

"Hey I might be a little lost but I am not 'bat shit crazy'!" she protested

Deadpool suddenly brought another gun around in his left hand.

"How do you know what Yellow is saying" he roared.

"Umm because I can see yellow" she squeaked out pointing above his head. "And of course I can see the boxes, every reader can see the boxes".

The cast of Deadpool's shoulders seemed to relax under his hoodie and he tucked his guns back inside. Apparently something about what she had said had appeased him. The boxes were silent on the matter for now. He sank down onto the bench across from her, and made a gesture that she chose to interpret as 'please continue'. Taking a deep breath and pushing her last taco across the table to him she started to explain.

"Look Wade, may I call you Wade?" he nodded. "Good because if I had to call you Mr. Wilson I'd be waiting for Tim Allen to pop up on the other side of a fence. Anyway, I woke up this morning in New York City in a hotel I don't remember checking into for what is apparently a week-long stay with them. Neither my phone or tablet worked, none of the numbers I dialed from my hotel are actually working, and all of a sudden that blowhard Jameson is a 'real' newscaster". She made an incredulous gesture with her hand.

"Furthermore not only am I not remembering a thing that got me here but you, the Avengers, and Spiderman are suddenly real as well. Now granted I can see where questioning my sanity is probably the sanest thing you'll do today but I know I'm not crazy" she finished. (Well she really hopes she isn't.) chimed in her inner voice.

Wade Winston Wilson aka Deadpool stared, right above the lady's head was a pink box. Now she had his complete attention. He had never known another character to have thought bubbles besides him and occasionally Spiderman. Apparently she like Spiderman wasn't aware that her inner voice was also accompanied by a box of its own.

"And where exactly do I come into all of this?" he asked. Now that he was mostly convinced she wasn't working for Stryker, she didn't have the cool professional look. Rather she looked like nervous energy was going to vibrate her right off the bench her butt was sitting on.

{We should tap that}

[We don't even know her name, and we're not sure she's not crazy]

"My name is Samantha, Samantha Wiley" she replied, obviously ignoring Yellow.

{Why doesn't she look like a coyote?}

[She's not Wile E Coyote, you idiot]

"So just to be clear you're not actually an animated coyote"? Deadpool asked

Samantha sighed, she could tell it was going to be a REALLY long night.

 **Author's Note(s):**

Yes, it was long but I had to wait for Deadpool to actually appear. He's going to be around all the next chapter. This is going to be a long work with (I hope) extensive interaction between characters so while this chapter is longer than what I would say is usual the whole fic is going to be lengthy.

Yes, Sam has her own "box" it's not without precedent as Spiderman has them in certain comics. She's clearly going to be a prominent character, besides I'm pretty sure everyone has that sarcastic inner voice that keeps us all in check.


	4. Chapter 4 A Three Hour Tour

**(Pink Box)**

 **[White Box]**

 **{Yellow Box}**

(MCU)

Deadpool watched the woman in front of him with intense curiosity. She seemed nervous but not overly afraid of him. Which was surprising, he had been expecting something along the lines of 'please don't kill me' and begging but she'd just sped up her talking like she wanted to get it all out before he lost it. And once he put the guns away she had seemed to relax just a tad, as if things were going well for her. She mostly looked like she was trying to sell something rather than hire an assassin.

{She hasn't gotten a good look at you yet}

"Shut up asshole!" He growled at Yellow.

"I know what you look like, I've seen the movies, and even read some of the comics although if you're asking my opinion the second movie was a vast improvement." Sam replied, a cheeky grin curling one corner of her mouth upward.

(And that ass was totally undersold)

{She likes our ass!}

"Oh my Lord, please tell me you can't see what I'm thinking!" she wailed hiding her face in her hands. What little of her face that was still visible had turned flaming red in mortification.

"Turnabout is fair play Dixie Chick" Deadpool replied.

Samantha groaned and before she could even think about it quipped back.

"Keep it up and you'll end up like Earl"

"I don't like black eyed peas; besides you can't poison me" he returned.

Sam smiled, this was weirdly the most fun she'd had in a while. Sure she enjoyed her running and her work to an extent but it wasn't 'fun' like bantering back and forth like this. Tucking a stray strand of hair back behind her ear she eyed the merc across the table from her and then glanced at her watch. Surprisingly it was only 7:15 in the evening and the summer sun had yet to set but the shadows were growing in the canyon made by the buildings.

"Look as much as I'd like to sit here and learn more about your tastes in southern cooking, I really need to break into Avengers Tower and the sooner the better. So are you in or out? I can pay you of course, assuming that annoying Tony Stark isn't payment enough." The right corner of her mouth turned up again at the last part.

"Let me get this straight, you woke up here in New York this morning and instead of thinking date rape drugs you think you're in another dimension and need to be sent back to your own. And the reason you sought me out was because I'm just crazy enough to believe you. And you're willing to pay me to commit criminal trespass with you? This just might be the best date I've ever been on" he cooed, clasping his hands alongside of his head.

[He doesn't get out a lot]

{No shit, who'd go out with him}

"Not so much a date as a three-hour tour" she replied deadpan.

"Oooooh I get to be Ginger" came his excited reply.

"No way, I'm Ginger, you can be Gilligan" she pointed to her hair.

"Fair enough, but I need to go and get my suit before we go anywhere else. I have a reputation to maintain" he joked.

"Where exactly do we have to go to get your suit? Is it in walking distance or are we hailing a cab?" she queried.

(Please, please, please no more cabs tonight)

"Not a huge fan of New York's finest?" he snorted

"You mean New York's collection of odd smells and revoked licenses? No I can't say I'm a fan." She spat back.

"Relax sugar lips, I have one stashed a block or two up 9th and we're headed that way anyway" Deadpool jumped to his feet expecting her to follow. Or not, sure breaking into Avengers Tower would be good for a laugh but he wasn't really committed to the cause.

Sam rose and threw her trash in the provided bin before jogging a pace to catch up to Deadpool who hadn't waited to see if she was following. Deadpool strolled up 9th humming to himself and dancing a bit. It took Sam a second to realize he was humming 'I Gotta Feeling' by the Black Eyed Peas. Above his head Yellow made up his own lyrics and White tried to correct him. It made her smile, she had definitely missed noise. Now so long as they didn't get arrested or picked up by SHIELD she was content to let him do things his way. And besides at least he wasn't humming the theme song to Gilligan's Island.

Despites Deadpool's admittedly ludicrous dance steps they made it up the block fairly quickly and she was surprised when they stopped in front of a Planet Fitness.

"Seriously?!" she mused

"Totally" Deadpool said in a faux valley voice. "It has like 24-hour access and totally cheap locker fees" He cocked his head to the side to peer at her "besides I have to be able to fit this ass you like so much into spandex and leather" he said in a suddenly much deeper voice.

"Whatever" she huffed

(Oh Lordy)

"So am I just supposed to wait out here while you change, because I seem to have misplaced my membership card" she asked, trying to ignore the smug look on his face.

He nodded bemused and turned to go in.

"Wait! You better not leave me!" Sam had without thinking about it reached out to grab his arm but she released it self-consciously when he glanced down at her hand resting on his sweat-shirted arm.

"Oh would you relax Coyote, I'm just going in to get changed and then I'll be right back to help you commit mayhem. Besides I wouldn't miss the look on Starks face, when he catches us in his tower, for anything. Although you totally still owe me dinner". He winked and disappeared inside.

Slipping inside Wade kept his head down to hide his face in the shadow of his hood. At almost 8pm on a Friday night it wasn't incredibly busy but the stares and pitying looks made his skin crawl.

{You know what also makes your skin crawl? Your face}

"Shut up" he growled

[Sam didn't seem to mind]

{Yeah maybe she's blind}

[She's not blind, she didn't trip once walking up the block]

"Duct tape" he muttered as he flashed his membership card at the register clerk and continued in towards the locker rooms. The clerk paled a bit but didn't say anything, he was used to the 'scarred up dude' coming in and out muttering to himself.

Deadpool was pleased to see that the locker room was empty and he quickly spun the dial on his locker and retrieved his trademark suit to change into. He felt a sense of relief when his mask was firmly in place and he had his guns strapped down. The boxes wisely refrained from comment, they were still waiting to see if he made good on the duct tape threat. Deadpool made quick work of stowing his jeans and sweatshirt back in his locker and at the last moment remembered to pull his wallet out and stow it in one of his pouches. Sam was supposed to buy him dinner but if that went plan went south at least he wouldn't starve tonight. He had a lot of experience with plans going south.

[That's for sure]

{Heh, remember that one time in Africa when the hippo got us?}

Deadpool vaguely remembered the smell from its mouth, but it was enough to make him not want to repeat that experience again. Who knew vegetarians could be so mean?

"Fuck hippos" he muttered as he slammed the locker closed again.

He passed through the reception area and back outside to find Samantha staring up at the skyline. She looked lost in thought and he tapped her on the shoulder, which caused her to jump and shriek. Coming back down to earth she clutched a hand to her chest and glared at him.

"Jeez, a little warning next time" she hissed.

(To be fair it's hard to miss the tall man dressed in black and red who didn't even sneak up behind you)

{Just think if we try}

"Are we going to the tower or did you change your addled mind" he asked sweetly.

Samantha tossed her head and stuck out her tongue.

"You of all people should not throw that particular stone" she replied "but yes, we're still headed to the tower. Lead on MacDuff"

The tower was another two blocks north and another block east and Deadpool headed that way automatically. This time when he started to hum it was the theme to Gilligan's Island.

"Did you know there are only two surviving cast members? Marry Ann and Ginger, so I guess that makes you Marry Ann." She joked.

"I didn't grow up on a farm so I can't be Mary Ann" he said seriously.

"Well I did, sort of, so I guess I could be Mary Ann but my hair is much better suited to Ginger" she replied comfortably. She had long ago embraced the redhead jokes.

{What type of farm grows sort ofs}

[You're an idiot]

(Yes, he most definitely is)

{bitches}

(takes one)

"Should I be worried about this, I've never had a text bubble that could read other text bubbles before?" she asked absently.

Deadpool laughed "Coyote you should definitely ask someone else, maybe ask Stark while you're explaining to him why exactly you think you shouldn't be here."

"Yes, well as enjoyable as this evening has been I do have a family to get home to." She countered.

(Not so much anymore, although our mom will certainly be in a tizzy when we don't call her soon)

"Huh, a tizzy? Is that something like a conniption or a big hullabaloo?" he joked

"Vaguely, a conniption will only happen if she thinks I did it on purpose, and a hullabaloo will only happen if the rest of her club finds out it happened" she replied deadpan.

"And your husband won't notice that you're gone?" he asked gesturing at her left hand.

Sam glanced down at her wedding band and shook her head. She hunched her shoulders as if the night had suddenly gone colder. Whatever reply she was about to make was stopped in her throat when she caught sight of the tower just in front of them.

"Well Houdini, how are we getting in the tower?" she said instead.

"Nuh-uh, a magician never reveals his secrets" he replied wagging his fingers in her face.

"Alright then, how do you propose to get me into the tower without telling me how you're going to do it." She said, ignoring how close his fingers were to her face.

"Easy, I'll show you." He teased.

{We'll show you ours if you show us yours}

Sam just sighed.

(10 Minutes Later)

"I so can't believe that worked!" she squealed But there she was intact in what appeared to be the lounge Loki got creamed in. Deadpool was reattaching his hand but looked no worse for wear otherwise.

"Sorry you had to bleed to do it though" she amended, watching him fit his hand back on.

Whatever Deadpool had been about to reply was cut off by a voice originating above them.

"Intruders, be aware that security has been activated and Mr. Stark has been informed of your presence in the tower" it was Jarvis.

"Thank you Darlin', that's exactly what I was hoping for. Can you let Mr. Stark know that a Ms. Wiley and Mr. Wilson are awaiting his presence?" She drawled.

"I do not believe Mr. Stark is expecting you." The AI returned stiffly.

"No, I don't believe he is Jarvis, and I apologize for the inconvenience, but I did try to make an appointment through the appropriate channels. Also my account is registered in Wells Fargo, last 4 #s of the account are 7605, please deduct the cost of any beverage my tour guide here might have." She eyed Wade as he sat down at Stark's bar.

She too wandered over to the bar, but didn't pour herself a drink. It appeared that Deadpool had helped himself to the Glenlivet, and he had pushed his mask up to the bridge of his nose so he could down his shot.

"Can you even get drunk?" Sam asked.

"Nah, so you can scratch any plans you had of getting me tipsy and having your wicked way with me."

{Idiot she's the one who would have to be drunk}

[She can be drunk if she prefers]

"Sadly Wade, we'll never know, because unless I'm mistaken I see a flash of red and gold to our east. And what looks to be a Quinjet right behind him." She watched the red and gold come streaking in.

Deadpool kept an eye on Iron Man as he came in for a landing on the terrace beyond the glass doors. He noted that Stark failed to activate the system that took off his Iron Man suit, and couldn't help but feel flattered that Stark was using so much caution. True he wasn't an Avenger but he was making them work for it tonight. He noticed when Samantha tensed beside him as Iron Man hit the doors they were now both facing. He spared a thought to whether or not she'd actually buy him dinner or dump him once she had a chance to talk to Stark, probably the latter.

[Well between you and an Avenger even you would take the Avenger]

{She's definitely going to, hell if I could get out of your head I would too}

Sam thankfully wasn't paying the boxes any attention as she too was focused on Stark.

Anthony Starks first words out of his mouth just stood to force the point home.

"Sweetheart, I don't know what he promised you but you might want to reconsider, because he sure as heck isn't any Avenger. But if you're really interested in meeting one you're in luck." His smug tone washed over them as he flashed his trademark smirk.

He was making it very hard for Deadpool to remember that he was only here for a 'tour' and that he actually had no beef with Stark. Surprisingly to his left he heard Samantha draw in a breath and then hiss it out again. He wasn't sure but he thought it might have been in anger.

"Hello Anthony," she drawled. "So nice to meet you, I'm Samantha, Samantha Wiley. And I'm not here because Deadpool promised me anything, I'm here to see you."

The Quinjet must had landed on the roof right after Iron Man because Captain America stepped out of the elevator and joined them in the lounge. Deadpool figured one of the other Avengers was probably covering them from another angle but he couldn't be sure if it was the Widow or Hawkeye.

"Hey Cap" he said. He had always liked Captain America growing up and almost felt bad about running into him like this.

[Almost]

{This could still be a lot of fun}

[Nah no explosions, and Stark is going to be an asshat]

{A great reason for explosions}

"Agreed."

Both Stark and Captain America looked at Deadpool curiously trying to figure out what he had just agreed to. Sam who already knew struggled to keep a neutral expression on her face. She at least didn't want to blow up the tower but she wasn't all that sure she liked Anthony Stark. Above them all another voice once again sounded.

"Ms. Wiley claims she tried to make an appointment Sir, but that you were un-available"

"An appointment huh, well that doesn't seem as fun as I was imagining this night could go. So Ms. Wiley if you're not here for fun, what are you here for? And how does Deadpool figure into this?" Stark advanced around the bar to lean back against the wall and pour himself a tumbler of the whiskey that Deadpool had neglected to replace. He popped his face plate just so he could take a sip.

"Well Anthony,"

"Tony" he interrupted. "I mean sure you're here on business but there isn't any reason we can't be friends"

Sam narrowed her eyes, she didn't like being interrupted, and despite Starks reputation as a playboy she had always preferred the idea of loyalty to Pepper.

"Oh I can think of some reasons Anthony, for instance I'm sure Pepper would prefer we weren't that friendly. Also I would prefer it if we weren't THAT friendly as well. And I'm here on business that I consider very important. You see I'm not from this particular dimension and I would really appreciate some help getting back to the dimension I belong in. Deadpool was kind enough to assist me in getting into your tower just so we could have this conversation. Other than that I don't see you really having any issues with him or myself." Indicating that she considered the suit an excess of caution.

"So you're just a poor little lost extra dimensional being trying to get home?" Stark rejoined.

"Well I did try phoning but no one at home answered" came the equally snarky response.

Both Deadpool and Captain America watched as they volleyed back and forth. One of them considered whether he should stand down and the other considered if he should stand up and applaud. Deadpool noticed that Captain America was starting to lower his shield and assume a look that wavered towards curiosity over skepticism. Sam must have as well because she addressed the captain directly.

"Captain Rogers, you may as well set a spell, I don't see a reason to be uncomfortable while we talk. And I can provide some proof of what I'm saying Stark. For instance, I own the only iPhone and Apple tablets in this universe, or at least that I know of" She began to rummage through her messenger bag, taking out her old phone and tablet and placing them on the bar surface.

"Sadly they don't work here, so I had to go out and purchase some that actually did. For which you and your stock should thank me." She continued.

Stark couldn't help himself and grabbed the tablet fiddling with it. He even popped the back off and started exploring the circuitry.

"Jarvis see if you can establish a connection and retrieve the data." He ordered absentmindedly. "Hmm it's not up to Stark standards but it's not bad, seems fairly well thought out hardware wise. I'll have to wait to see what the operating system is going to look like. Of course it's no Jarvis" he was talking to himself as he and Jarvis tried to make the connection.

"Anthony, I would appreciate it if you didn't break it any more than it already is," she eyed his unshed gauntlets. "And if you could manage it I'd love to have the pictures and files transferred to my new tablet" she added as an afterthought.

Samantha glanced over at Deadpool, she knew he wasn't known for everlasting patience and she didn't want him to get bored and wander off. She had a feeling she would miss him if he did. But he seemed to be content playing with one of his knives. He did catch her eye and give her a wink. Something that she didn't understand how he did since he was wearing a mask but the mask seemed to enhance expressions while hiding his features. Somewhere the lyrics to _A Kind of Magic_ ran through her head _._ She wasn't sure if that's what caused Deadpool to chuckle at that exact moment but she didn't put it past him to know precisely what she was thinking. She gave his wrist a quick squeeze and then turned around in her seat to watch Captain America who had settled into a seat on one of the sofa's behind them. If Captain America noticed the mostly silent exchange he didn't say anything but, above them all, another set of eyes did notice.

Hawkeye wasn't a 100% sure but he'd bed good money that Samantha was telling them the truth, he had a good read on people for the most part. Especially when he could watch them unobserved. What did surprise him however was how Deadpool was sitting there quietly not bothering anyone, or even interrupting. It was almost as if he was content to let the redhead antagonize Stark for him. He was also fairly sure that Deadpool knew he was just above the industrial AC grate in the ceiling and was unobtrusively keeping an eye on him. Deadpool could be an ass but he was rarely tactically unprepared, at least in Hawkeyes experience. Deciding that there was no advantage to be gained from staying in his perch he dropped lightly to the floor below. As he had expected his arrival startled Samantha, who flinched sideways into Deadpool, but the Merc with a Mouth only waived a hand in hello.

"Hey there Clint, long time no see. But I got to tell you that startling Coyote is my job" Deadpool greeted.

"Coyote?" Clint asked.

"Oh yeah, this here is Wile E. Coyote, she just won't admit to it" Deadpool replied.

"Let's get one thing straight Internet, I am not now, nor have I ever been an animated coyote" Sam growled.

"Internet?" Captain Rodgers questioned. He was new to this century but he was sure the Internet was how computers communicated and not one of Deadpool's aliases.

"Wade Winston Wilson, ie WWW, ie Internet" Sam smirked out while Deadpool glared at her.

Hawkeye couldn't help himself and started laughing, "Oh my God Wade, she is a super genius," he snorted out. Stark too was laughing along behind Deadpool and Sam.

Deadpool was about to turn around and punch Stark but Sam caught his eye again and smiled at him to let him know she was just teasing. Something in his movement must have telegraphed what he was thinking because her text box popped up again.

(Punch him later, I don't want him to drop my tablet)

{Promise?}

[Winston wasn't necessary was it?]

(Wile E…..)

Giving him another smile she once again swiveled towards the sofa and the two Avengers now seated on it. Indicating Deadpool with a nod of her head she started to further explain.

"I brought Deadpool along, or rather convinced him to bring me here, because in my universe his character is known for knowing about my universe." She stated

"Character?" Captain America asked.

"Yes, in my universe, all of you are characters in movies and comic books. So while thanks to my sons I have a fundamental understanding of the Avengers and this universe, for me it isn't normally something I would consider real. That was until I woke up this morning and found myself tuning into Jameson on the news" she shrugged.

"So you're saying we're just movie characters and that you somehow got sucked into a movie?" Hawkeye said disbelievingly. He didn't think she was lying per se, just that maybe she got along with Deadpool because she had lost her mind.

"I'm pretty sure I can prove it to you" she said brightly, she had just had an idea. "In fact I'll try now if one of you will give me a piece of paper and a pen."

"Alright, I'll bite" Captain America said handing over a piece of blank paper and the pencil he kept with his sketchbook on the table near the sofa.

Samantha smiled and took the paper tearing it into four equal strips. Turning so Deadpool couldn't see what she was doing she quickly wrote short phrases on each of them and then handed one to each of the men. Deadpool's read 'International Women's Day was hot', Hawkeye's read 'Tell Laura I said hi', the Captain's 'I wish you could have held on longer' and Tony's read 'you owe Pepper so much more than 10% of the credit'.

All four men raised their heads to stare at her. Hawkeye went so far as to take a lighter out of one of his pockets and set fire to the strip he held.

"I tried to pick points that you would remember. I'm not here to make any trouble but I really do not belong here, and I would like to go home. And the easiest way for me to do that is with your cooperation. If you refuse I still won't make trouble, I'll just have to wait until Dr. Richards gets back from Europe. I hear he's accepting some sort of award and then ask him for his help. He'll probably enjoy the challenge," She drawled deliberately looking at Stark for the last part. "Or I guess I could try the mystic route with Strange, but getting hold of him isn't the easiest thing," she joked.

 **Author's Note(s)**

Hawkeye does not smoke but he does carry a lighter because it has a multitude of uses. Just ask Bear Grylls.

Thank you all for the positive feedback, it means so very much to me. I hope you all continue to find this fic worth reading. If you have any questions at all, please feel free to PM me or include it in a review. I'm fairly good about getting back to people within a day or two.

 **And a special THANK YOU to my husband the grammar warlock without whom this would never be possible.**


	5. Chapter 5 It's Alive!

**(Pink Box)**

 **[White Box]**

 **{Yellow Box}**

(MCU 45 MINUTES TO IMPACT)

Deadpool stared at the note in his hand, and then up at the women who had wrote it. Everyone else in the room was staring at her as well, although he was hoping not for the same reason. She was standing there joking about Dr. Strange and all he wanted to do was drag her across the nearest horizontal surface. In fact, he caught himself shaking the edge of the bar to test how sturdy it was. He didn't give a dam that the three Avengers were still listening to her speak he was about to start a party. Well he did give a damn if Captain America wanted to stick around and watch, or even join in, but the rest had to go.

[Yeah but she'd never go for it]

{Especially since International Women's Day was before you looked like two angry avocados fucked each other and had a mutant baby}

[He has a point on this one]

{I mean she might have thought you were fuckable when you looked like Reynolds but now you look like the inside of his ass}

Deadpool hated the voices right then, mostly because he couldn't see how they weren't right. There was no way that Sam with her smoking body and sexy drawl was going to use him for anything but a convenient tour guide. Crumpling the note, he stuffed it into one of the pouches at his waist and prepared to get the hell out of Dodge. Fuck dinner he could get a pizza delivered to his place and beat the shit out of some asshole on Call of Duty.

He was already on his feet and about to head to the door when Hawkeye stopped him. Barton looked sick, like he had been punched in the gut. Maybe Sam had worked her mind fuckery on him as well, Deadpool mused. Shaking his head before that thought could get lodged there he waited for Hawkeye to say what he wanted.

"Hey man, it's been forever, what do you say we play some Mortal Kombat and beat the shit out of each other while we wait for Sam and Tony to hash out what they're going to do." Clint offered. He almost took the offer back when he saw the smile that crossed Deadpool's face under his still partially rolled up mask.

"Sure Barton, I was just thinking how much fun it would be making you cry" Deadpool purred. And so began a countdown to destiny.

30 MINUTES TO IMPACT

Sam's visit to the tower seemed to go a whole heck of a lot smoother after her little 'show and tell'. Stark had conceded that the Iron Man suit was unnecessary and had sent it off to storage. He and Jarvis were making headway in the exploration of her iPhone and tablet and Stark even seemed convinced that he could get her pictures off of it by the end of the night. Something she would be eternally grateful for it that proved true. While Jarvis ran the programs necessary to do that he, Sam and Captain America discussed in greater detail what she remembered and how the two universes or dimensions differed. Deadpool and Hawkeye sat together on one of the sofa's trying to determine who could rack up the highest kill count on the game.

She hadn't witnessed the boxes' conversation or Deadpool crumpling her note earlier as she had been standing facing towards Hawkeye and Captain America. So she was blissfully unaware that whatever good mood had held him in check earlier was broken. Despite talking to Captain America and Stark she kept sneaking glances over to Wade, but he was absorbed in making Hawkeyes character eat as much shit as possible. Apparently videogames were the same in both realities. Oh well it was keeping him out of real trouble. She turned back to the conversation the other two Avengers and her were having up at the bar.

"Nope, woke up this morning, didn't remember a thing about being in New York. Last thing I could recall was checking into a hotel in Atlanta to do a 10k race there on the 4th. Peachtree Road Race, I loved that race, I did it one year with my husband before our eldest was born. And then I did it a few times by myself afterwards. I haven't done it since Wyatt, our youngest, was born and I was really looking forward to doing it this year.

I had flown down from where I live up in Raleigh and was going to take a bit of a holiday before getting back into the grind. Anyway I woke up this morning and here I was in New York listening to everyone talking about you guys. And of course my luggage didn't make the extra dimensional flight so I had to scrounge up some new clothes and toiletries. I just had my bag with my useless tech and wallet in it. "She recounted.

"And you say you tried calling home?" Steve questioned.

"Sure did, my house, my parents, their cells, my office. None of the numbers worked a lick. So then I tried checking Facebook, I no longer even have an account on it. I tried googling myself, no record of my marriage, no record of my business, no record of the accident I was in 3 years ago. All of it's just gone. Only things I have left are my bank accounts, thank heavens, and my old driver's license from Georgia. I never did get that changed over to North Carolina when I moved last year.

I was getting pretty stumped and paranoid, kept on expecting a TV crew to jump out and ask me how I felt about being in one of those trick videos. But then I figured I had to have crossed some sort of barrier to get here, too much stuff was just piling up. And of course I saw Jameson on TV ranting about Spiderman, when the picture he was showing was of Wade. That's when I remembered that Deadpool is supposed to be aware of what everyone calls the '4th wall' so I figured if anyone would believe my story he would. So I hunted him up and convinced him to bring me here to talk to Stark. Since Stark's people have the phone manners of goats." She continued.

"So let me get this straight, after determining that you ended up in the wrong city in the wrong dimension, you decided to hunt down Deadpool to play tour guide. Well no wonder he likes you, you're just as crazy as he fucking is. It's not like he's a hero, you could have just as easily have gotten yourself killed!" Stark exclaimed.

"I am very much aware of who he is, thank you very much" she replied icily, "and frankly you can save it. I don't ever remember him harming a child in any one of his comics, cartoon appearances, or his movie. In fact, it's pretty dang clear that most of his jobs are either helping the quote 'real heroes' or doing something that no one else wants to do that has to be done. So while he may be the Merc with a Mouth he isn't the Merchant of Death. Tell me Anthony how many women and children met their deaths at the wrong end of some Stark Tech?" Twin anger spots burned on her cheeks.

"Woah, woah, woah, I'm sure Tony didn't mean anything by that. He's just not used to seeing Deadpool be so helpful," Captain America hedged.

Samantha tried and failed not to roll her eyes at what the good Captain said. But she realized that defending Wade to them was pointless. Either they'd chalk it up to a love of bad boys or as Tony said think she was crazy. Nope better to smile and turn the conversation back to how she was going to get home. Maybe they could wrap this up soon and she and Wade could head out to that dinner she'd promised him. She glanced down at her watch, noting that it was already well past 9.

Sighing she returned to the conversation and tried to understand what the heck Stark was talking about when he started listing theories that he would have to test. The long and the short of it was that she wasn't getting home, or even back to her hotel, any time soon.

(LESS THAN FIVE MINUTES TO IMPACT)

Deadpool was still pissed. Not only was Barton kicking his ass at Mortal Kombat but Sam was still looking deeply engrossed with the billionaire, playboy, philanthropist, fucking Stark and God-loving perfect smile Captain America. He glanced up to see Sam twirling a ringlet of lose hair around one finger and the next thing he knew Barton had pulled a pansy ass ring-out on his character. He growled, causing the three at the bar to look over at him. He just scowled even more.

"One more time bird boy, and this time you're a dead man," he snarled at Barton.

"Bring it on Winston," Barton taunted him.

Sam stood up from her seat at the bar, and grabbed her messenger bag, sans electronics.

"Looks like I better break those two up and head on out the door. I'll swing by tomorrow around the same time and see if you've made any progress on those photos and or getting me home" she said offering the two men a small smile.

Captain America looked like he was about to make a reply, and was getting to his feet to maybe escort her out when Wade's yell caused them to startle and look his way.

"GOD DAM IT BARTON" Wade roared and threw the knife he had been playing with earlier. Fortunately for Hawkeye he didn't throw it at him. Instead he threw it to his right towards the elevators.

Sam had a moment to be grateful that despite losing his temper, Wade had managed to not give in to the urge to murder Hawkeye. That split second of gratefulness was abolished when she realized that although Wade had thrown the knife at what he thought was a closed set of elevator doors what he had really thrown the knife at was opening elevator doors.

It was a comedy of tragic events that the person on the other side of the doors would be none other than Bruce Banner. The Dr. who had received the security alert earlier with the others had opted to stay out of the possible fight in favor of continuing his research into gamma radiation at Stark's Jersey lab. The others had chosen to come back without him but had let them know, through Jarvis, when they had decided there was no reason for him to stay away. Now green was already flaring in his irises when he looked down at the short bladed knife sticking out of his chest. The Hulk already didn't like Deadpool and there would be no holding him back. He roared as the Hulk burst through Banner instantly healing the knife wound to the doctor's chest.

Stark was already calling his suit to him, and Captain America was trying to get the Hulk's attention long enough to calm him down. But Deadpool was spoiling for a fight and taunted the rage consumed scientist. "Bring it big green, I have nothing else going on tonight" he spat out at the Hulk

Hawkeye scrambled to grab Deadpool and get him out of the way as the Hulk advanced, but Sam stepped in between them and Banner.

"Dr. Banner, if you can hear me I'd really prefer you didn't smash Deadpool. You see I promised him I'd take him to dinner and I'm getting hungry so I'd like to take him now. Besides he really didn't mean to throw the knife at you. He has this uncanny ability to just be stupid at times." She was talking fast full of nerves, but for some reason she felt the need to get between Deadpool and Mt. Anger.

IMPACT

Samantha had a split second to decide what she was going to do, and she chose the path less taken. She wasn't even sure what had pressed her to do it but as she stood there trying to calm the Hulk a multitude of thoughts raced through her mind. 'Oh god he's bigger than I thought…' 'This is going to hurt' 'At least I'll see the boys again' 'They'd think this was so cool' 'If I survive this I'm going to kill Wade!'

And then that giant green fist made contact. The Hulk's hand was so large that when it crashed into her chin, immediately shattering the jawbone, it also slammed into her clavicle and sternum collapsing them both. The force of the blow snapped her head back behind the plane of her body and caused her entire being to fly backwards 15 feet into the reinforced wall. That impact shattered the back of her skull and caused her shoulder blades to fracture as well. Already dead her body slid down the wall to crumple broken on the floor.

"OH FUCK NO! She was taking me to dinner! And I was going to get laid! Maybe." Deadpool's pistols were already clear and he fired both into the Hulk's expansive chest. He knew he wasn't going to win in a fight against the Hulk but he could destroy a few floors of the tower giving it a go.

Hawkeye had whirled around to follow Sam's body as it went flying past them. He knew immediately that the damage done had been catastrophic. Unlike the Widow and Thor who had either only been dealt a glancing blow or had super human strength Sam had taken the full force of the Hulk's rage on an all too fragile frame.

Iron Man, suit finally fully assembled around him, was now between Deadpool and the Hulk trying to stop the two from leveling his tower. Captain America had joined Hawkeye in looking down at Sam's body. "Grab her body and get it out of here, I'll try to help Tony. If we're lucky they won't bring the tower crashing down around us all!" he ordered.

About to turn and enter the fray a slight movement caught his eye. Below him it almost looked like Sam's body was straightening out. The shattered jaw moved and the bone could clearly be seen knitting itself back together underneath the rapidly bruising skin. But even as he and Hawkeye watched mesmerized the bruising seemed to fade and disappear to reveal unblemished skin and a smooth jawline. They stared at one another dumbfounded

Sam gave a gasping groan and the quiet pain filled noise seemed to freeze the room. Deadpool whipped around and even the Hulk's rage seemed to abate. When he saw what was happening he once again shrank down to Dr. Banner and hurried over to join Captain America and Hawkeye at her side. Less than a second later all five men were standing over her watching as her breathing steadied out and her face relaxed. Suddenly her face scrunched up again and she said clearly.

"Jonathan it's cold in here, the furnace must have gone out."

Sam groaned, she was cold and her body ached, and she was really getting tired of this. She opened her eyes expecting to see either the torn up frame of her car or a hotel room. What she saw instead was five very anxious men looking down at her. Iron Man was still in his suit, Captain America was clutching his shield, Dr. Banner was clutching his torn up pants to his waist, and Hawkeye looked like he was trying not to become ill. Deadpool just looked like he'd been hit by a bus, but she wasn't sure if that was the shock or the Hulk.

She wasn't exactly sure what she was doing on the ground but she was already starting to feel better. She started to scramble to her feet when Dr. Banner hesitatingly said. "Perhaps you should remain still until we can confirm that nothing is still broken."

She stopped partway up to consider this but Deadpool grabbed her by her upper arm and hauled her to her feet. He then half tugged half hauled her to the nearest chair. Sitting her down in it, he snapped at Barton.

"Go get her something she can eat, and hurry" Ignoring the others he crouched down next to her and asked "Does your head hurt? Any numbness or stiffness?"

She shook her head and responded easily enough.

"No, I feel fine, I remember standing in front of Dr. Banner and then I was looking up at you guys." She seemed to freeze and then whipped around in the chair to peer at Banner. "Bruce are you alright?" she asked franticly.

Bruce gave her a wistful smile and then replied that he was feeling fine. Right about that time Barton returned with a block of cheese that had gone hard on one corner.

"Sorry it was the only thing left in Tony's fridge that wasn't molding or booze. Peppers been in Paris for a week on business" he said apologetically.

Deadpool just nodded his thanks and started breaking pieces off. He offered one to Sam but she scrunched up her nose and shook her head.

"I don't like pepper jack cheese" she complained.

(Actually we hate pepper jack, a lot)

"I don't care if you think it tastes like ground up baby penguins you are going to eat this willingly or I'm going to force feed you," Deadpool threatened.

"Really, baby penguins?" she pouted.

(Nope totally not eating that now, don't care if it tastes like lemon meringue)

"We're fresh out of lemon meringues princess" and he stuffed the piece in her mouth. "And don't even think about spitting it out" he warned, eyeing the look on her face.

Sam chewed and then swallowed before saying somewhat frostily, "ladies always swallow". The second the words left her mouth her pale face flooded with heat and she blushed to her hairline.

(Well that's true)

Deadpool groaned but handed her another piece of cheese. "Look princess, I know old cheese isn't your favorite but do yourself a favor and have a few pieces. Your body just healed about 10 different bones and it's got to get that energy from somewhere. If you don't eat this, it'll start breaking down an organ or two. Always makes my stomach cramp like hell, so let's avoid that by you doing what you're told, huh"

Tony broke into their tete-a-tete, to offer something more appealing, at least food wise. "Hey Sam, why don't we order you something you do like, what do you want? My treat." And he smiled at her

She paused in chewing her third piece of cheese and regarded Tony, Deadpool and Bruce in turn. "I'll take Thai food, Chicken Pad Thai, with extra peanuts, another order for Bruce, and some tacos and chimichangas for Wade." She decided. "I'd order for the rest of you but I'm not sure if anyone else is hungry."

Tony looked expectantly at Hawkeye and Cap but both of them shook their heads. "Great, Jarvis you heard the lady, two orders of Thai and one of Mexican."

"Actually I really should be going" Bruce hedged.

"Oh no, I just got flattened by you and lived, which is epic. My boys would have been awestruck. So you are going to sit down and eat dinner with us so we can call the night a complete success," Sam demanded.

"That's um, uh, fine but I really need to put some clothes on" Bruce stammered. He straightened from where he had been leaning over her to access the damage, or lack thereof, to the back of her head. Neither she or Deadpool had noticed him checking her over, or the lack of attire.

Well she had noticed for about a second before Deadpool had forced her to eat nasty cheese. Wait just how the hell did she get up off the floor? Unlike Deadpool and the Hulk she couldn't take a punch at all let alone a Hulk smash. Something about what she was thinking must have crossed her face because Steve noticed.

"Looks like she's starting to come out of shock, probably just really realized what happened," he murmured. Banner nodded his head in agreement.

"Keep her talking, and see if we have any coffee up here or tea. I'm going down to my level to grab some clothes and I'll grab some of the tea out of my kitchen, and maybe some fruit. Deadpool's right she's going to need food in her." Banner squeezed her shoulder comfortingly and hurried off to his level.

"How did I get up off the floor?" she asked them "because last time I checked I was completely human. I mean I broke my leg tripping over my own feet when Momma put me in ballet" she mused. "Daddy made her take me out, and let me just do Girl Scouts. She sure was mad because Ms. Stacy, from her club, well her daughter was in ballet and Ms. Stacy used to brag about the recitals all the time. Drove Momma wild. And I'm rambling aren't I?"

"So what you're really saying is you're a belle who trips over her own feet" Deadpool snarked just to keep her going.

Tony's mind was busy exploring possibilities and he voiced some of them out loud

"It could be anything, possibly just you being in this world where powers exist, or perhaps you absorbed Deadpools powers from touching him. If he's the first mutated human you've touched that might be it. Or you could have developed them in your own world without noticing. Most mutants here don't have manifest their powers until puberty but some don't develop until external stressors triggers them."

"But I haven't touched Wade, just his costume because his skin is always covered." She interrupted. "And there are absolutely no mutants in my world," she reasoned.

"Didn't you say you were in a car accident a few years back?" Captain America asked. "How bad was it, did you bang your head on the dash or was it worse?"

"My family and I were on our way up to Kentucky to see my parents when a drunk driver spun out beside us and smashed into the driver's side of our car spinning us both. Problem was the cars behind us couldn't stop in time. See we were just clearing the Gap tunnel and visibility sucked. I lost consciousness and when I woke up I was freezing cold and stiff all over but I wasn't hurt. Johnathan and the boys" she broke off there.

"Didn't make it out" Cap finished for her. Samantha nodded.

"The drunk and I were the only two survivors in the first 10 cars." She breathed out

"Jesus, how many cars were there?!" Hawkeye exclaimed.

"37, there were 37 cars total, a few people made it in the teens and 20s and most people did past that point. People could hear the crash happening in front of them and had enough warning and slowed down in time, most were just banged up a bit. My friend Edward made it out because a Samaritan pulled him out, his car caught on fire when it was hit from behind. He survived but he was burnt really badly. The fire fighters and rescue crews sort of got hung up around that area of the crash and it was almost two hours until they pulled me out of the car. They didn't think I was alive until I moved," her voice was almost a whisper.

"So you sat for two hours in a car with your dead family," Captain asked gently.

Sam didn't look at him but she nodded her head. Deadpool squeezed her hand but didn't say a word either.

"That would be enough to trigger a mutation if you had the X-Gene" Bruce spoke quietly. No one had noticed that he had come back up to the main level. Moving in closer he handed Samantha a mug of tea. She sipped it and made a face but she wasn't going to argue with them so continued to sip on it.

"How did the rescue team think you had survived after they got you out?" Tony prompted.

"I'm not even sure, by the time I got cut out I wasn't really payin' attention. It was all really hazy at that point. The next thing I could really remember was the funeral, and I can only remember pieces of that. Then after that I remember selling the house and going back up north to live with my parents for a bit, but I kept an apartment in Atlanta because I was going to go back. Finally, about a year ago I faced up to Atlanta being lost to me too and moved to Raleigh with my new job. I had resigned from my old one because it was out of Atlanta, they let me telecommute but I just couldn't" she trailed off.

"Have you been sick at all since then? Had any noticeable injuries that healed quicker than you thought they would, seemed stronger or anything like that?" Deadpool asked.

"No I haven't been sick, just kind of in a funk, sort of like I was watching things through a window but it wasn't" she made a gesture with her hand "real. My run time has dropped but that's because all I've been doing is working, running, and going to the gym." She reasoned.

"Dropped by how much?"

"I can run a six-minute mile now consistently" she replied.

"What was your time before the accident?" Banner queried.

"Maybe an eight" she shrugged.

(more like an 8:45 mile)

Deadpool smirked "let's say a 9-minute mile." Samantha just glared at him.

Just then Jarvis chimed in letting them know that delivery had been accepted and was on its way up.

"Alright Coyote, up we get its time to get more food into you. After all you'll never catch that roadrunner if you don't eat up." He singsonged.

"I hate you," she sighed

"She means love," he cooed.

"This world is doomed," Hawkeye groaned.

"Oh don't worry bird boy, I'll always love you too, in fact you two can share me." Deadpool said draping himself on Hawkeye

[Is it sharing if they're both in the bed with us at the same time?]

{Who cares so long as we're in the center}

[If we're in the center what spoon does that make us?]

Captain America blushed but didn't say anything, he didn't have anything against homosexuality although he wasn't used to it being openly acknowledged but he didn't think discussions like this should occur around a lady. This lady however was full of surprises.

"Come on Casanova, get off Cupid, and feed me I'm starving. And I'll never forgive either of you for that cheese" she threatened.

(Well we might forgive you IF you share a churro) Pink chimed in seeing the food laid out on the table.

"That's what I like in my women, when they take a licking and keep on ticking." Deadpool rumbled in fake macho voice.

{I bet she likes taking a licking}

"Oh you did not just use the old Timex logo for an innuendo! That is beyond lame! And I am not one of your women. I'm a Doctorate in Economics, and not some Marvel pin-up girl. I have brains and class, not a by the hour fee." She raved.

"That just means your husband was an asshole for not making you feel like brains and a pin-up" he returned. "And secretly you like it, and some of the nicest women I know have a by the hour fee."

[Please don't use Vivian Ward from Pretty Women as an example in this]

{That's the only example he knows}

Sam hissed in a breath preparing to verbally flay him but they were both cut off as Dr. Banner tried to defuse the two of them.

"So you have a Doctorate in Economics? Where from? Do you teach or are you more in the field?"

Bruce pulled out a chair at the table for her and then sat down across from her. Deadpool flopped into the seat beside her. Samantha glared at him but he just smiled and waggled his fingers at her. Samantha sighed.

"I received my doctorate from Duke, I earned my Bachelors in Accounting on campus but I achieved my Masters and Doctorate online. I also have my CPA. I was working full-time, married and had the boys so it was a bit rough. But I made it." She smiled. "Fortunately the organization I worked for at the time was very generous in their tuition policy and my doctorate allowed me to progress further than I otherwise would have."

"Oh, and who did you work for?" Stark prompted.

She smiled evilly at him and replied "The IRS, Atlanta Field Office"

Wade threw his hands up near his face and cried "She's Doctor Evil from another universe!" Everyone laughed, including Sam, and it felt good.

The conversation drifted into a lull as they settled down to eating. Samantha and Bruce were, no surprise, starving. Deadpool who hadn't eaten since yesterday evening was also shoveling in food, his mask rolled to the bridge of his nose to accommodate the action. Stark, Captain America, and Barton picked at a selection of deserts that had been ordered along with the other food. And Deadpool without prompting placed two churros on Sam's plate.

Finished with his cheesecake, Tony turned to Samantha. "You know I have to ask, which one of us was your sons' favorite Avenger?

She licked some sugar off her lip from the churro and thought about it for a second "Well James who was 9, loved you and the Captain, and Wyatt who was 6 loved Dr. Banner. He particularly liked the 'Hulk is strongest there is' line and the smashing." The smile she gave Banner was ironic. "Jonathan, my husband was a Spiderman fan."

"And you?" Tony prompted giving her his trademark smirk. "Cap for the abs, or are you going to go girl power and name the Widow or me because well, I'm Iron Man?"

"Oh, well that Anthony would be telling, besides I've always kind of favored the darker side of Marvel" She responded glibly.

"Oooh Anthonied, again, and you know Dr. Evil is going to stick with her own kind. She probably has thing for Thor's brother." Smirked Hawkeye.

(Sigh, Tom Hiddleston, now there is a scepter we would happily wield)

Sam coughed and cleared her throat, trying to force that mental image back down before Deadpool got any ideas. Somehow she could see him in a very naughty cosplay outfit. And why was she suddenly imagining Deadpool cosplaying Loki? Nah, it wouldn't work, the hair would be wrong, or well missing.

Stark laughed good-naturedly and turned back to Sam again. "I can offer you a room in the tower, I can't give you your own floor but you can share with either Cap or Bruce, I'm sure neither would mind. Both have gyms, plus theirs the main gym on this floor. And Jarvis would be available for you if you want to find out more about your temporary dimension. And all you have to do in return is call me Tony."

Samantha appeared to consider the offer for a minute and beside her Deadpool tensed. If she moved into the tower he wasn't likely to see her again. Whether she noticed or not she gave no sign but when she replied to Stark it was in the negative.

"No thanks Anthony, I'm happy enough staying at the Marriott. If it goes on past next Wednesday, I'll figure something else out but for now I like being back in New York. I haven't really visited it in almost a decade. Well there was a business trip I took but it was a forty-eight-hour audit marathon. However, I will be back daily to check in and I'm sure answer questions."

Captain surprised her by adding his thoughts on the matter. "That may not really be feasible Sam, for a mutant that has a healing factor you're a highly prized commodity to people like the Red Skull. They're going to see it as another tool towards their monstrous goals. Just ask Deadpool, he didn't acquire his powers so he could help humanity."

"Actually it was to become a better door to door salesman," Deadpool quipped.

[When did Captain America become such an ass?]

{Roughly around the same time he became Star Spangled.}

"But he's right Sweet-cheeks, you can't just wander around all by yourself, either you stay here or you stay with me."

[Why the hell did we say that?]

{We pretty much guaranteed she's going to stay here now.}

(I'm sticking with you. I might not get any peace with you but I don't imagine I'll get it near Stark either.)

Sam turned to Deadpool and smiled "So what's your going rate for protection detail?"

"How about I trade you in favors," he wiggled his eyebrows suggestively.

"Done! I'll happily straighten out your finances for you in trade for protection," She smirked.

Deadpool might have met his match….

 **Author's Note(s)**

 **A huge thank you to Onitsu Blackfeather for her reviews and conversation. She's definitely given me a few ideas.**

 **I hope you all enjoy, as always if you have a question or comment please either PM me or Review and I'll get back to you.**


	6. Chapter 6 Sweet Dreams

(Pink Box)

[White Box]

{Yellow Box}

*Spiderman's thoughts* No one but Deadpool can see these.

(MCU)

It was almost one in the morning when Deadpool and Samantha made it out of the tower and back onto the street. The assembled Avengers had tried to persuade her to stay, but she had politely refused. She had agreed, with a lot of persuasion, to let Stark run some tests to determine the extent of her mutation. It just wasn't going to happen tonight. So she'd be back tomorrow, or rather later today to do that. The one good thing was that Stark, or more likely Jarvis, had managed to get her photos moved over to her new tablet.

The evening, or was it morning, air was pleasant as they stepped out onto the sidewalk. Samantha speculated about the running opportunities in New York but frowned when she realized she didn't have her sneakers or any running clothes. They too had been lost with her luggage.

"I hope that frown is because you can't decide where you'd rather have sexy fun times with me at." Deadpool teased.

"Not quite, although I guess we should solve the 'your place or mine' debate before we start walking. I'm sure my place has clean sheets and two beds, but I don't trust that the same could be said about your place. But my place despite clean sheets, and my toiletries, is a cab ride away. So if you can look me in the eye and tell me your place is less than 20 minutes away on foot I'm willing to give in and sleep in the pit of despair this evening." She reasoned.

Deadpool grinned. He was really enjoying having someone that wanted to talk to him for more than a few minutes at a time.

{You mean at all.}

[It is a nice change of pace]

(For me too, it's insane how quiet a condo is after living in a house with small kids)

"Would you accept a 25-minute walk if I said I had semi clean sheets, toiletries I'd share, and that I'll make you pancakes when you wake up?" He countered. He was really hoping she didn't notice the spare bedroom's door when they got there but he wouldn't press the issue if she did.

"Close enough," she agreed.

So they started off, headed south, bantering back and forth about what clean meant when it came to sheets. Deadpool opined that it meant a black light near them wouldn't light up the entire room. Sam who truly hoped he was teasing, reasoned that it meant they had been changed, and then not defiled, within the past week. They continued arguing over thread count, satin vs cotton vs flannel and so forth until they almost got into a real argument over ambient bedroom noise.

"How can you sleep with an audiobook playing?" Deadpool asked incredulously.

"I can't see how the lady's sleeping arrangements have anything to do with you Deadpool," said a voice from above them. Spider-Man had only caught the last moment or two of the conversation and didn't realize this was an ongoing semi good natured conversation.

Deadpool was genuinely happy to see Spiderman. He considered him a friend even if the Webslinger denied it at every turn. "Hey Spidey, how's it hanging! This is Coyote, Coyote this is Spiderman aka Spidey" He introduced them. Sam for her part was too tired to argue the coyote thing anymore.

"Your name is Coyote, or did you just get saddled with a Deadpool nickname?" Spider-Man asked her.

"It's a nickname, my last name is Wiley." She explained.

(Oh no, we've accepted it as a nickname…)

"Spidey are you going to come down and play or are you just going to wall crawl all night?" Deadpool teased.

"I'd come down but how will I know you'll play nice? I mean you're already accosting the nice lady about her sleeping habits" Spider-Man rejoined. Although the nice lady in question didn't seem too worried, she just looked like she was ready to fall asleep standing up.

In truth Sam was exhausted. It had already been a long day when she had reached Avengers Tower but between the Hulk Smash and finding out she was a mutant, and arguing over why she was leaving with Wade she was almost dead on her feet. The walk itself had been keeping her awake but now that they had stopped to talk to Spider-Man she was just about done. She looked around for a place where she could sit down while Wade and Peter sassed each other. She assumed that Deadpool knew he was a Peter but she didn't want to say anything just in case she outed Spiderman in front of Deadpool.

(He is weirdly attached to his secret for a Marvel character.)

Deciding that the relatively clean pavement was good enough she sat down and leaned against the apartment building they were standing in front of. Her shorts were washable, and she was just so tired. So she closed her eyes and listened to Wade try to explain, in his own way, what they were doing walking the streets at this time of night.

"No seriously Web-head I'm taking her home from the Avengers because I have to keep an eye on her till she can get home to her super quiet condo. But first they have to find the portal so she's staying at my place till Lead Pants figures it out. And I'm going to make her pancakes in the morning. Ooooh, ooooh and she likes my ass" That last part was in a stage whisper.

"Huh, does she know that said ass is firmly attached to an ass?" Spider-Man asked. "Hey Coyote, are you really going home with Ugly?"

Both Spider-Man and Deadpool both looked down in surprise when the only answer was the sound of soft breathing. Deadpool poked her foot with his boot and when she didn't say anything shook it a bit. When she still didn't wake up he shrugged and turned to Spider-Man. 

"She did get Hulked earlier, looks like it caught up to her." He reasoned.

"She turned into a Hulk or she went 10 rounds with Big Green?"

"Wasn't even 10 rounds, she got knocked flying when she got in between Hulk and me." Deadpool clarified.

[We're still not sure what she was thinking on that one, she does know he can't kill us right?]

{Thinking apparently isn't her strong point either.}

[Dude, she knows money math she must be smart.]

{Wait does this mean we'll have more money for explodey things?}

[Yes!]

"Yes!"

"Yes what?" Spider-Man wasn't sure what Deadpool had just agreed to but he was used to Deadpool not making any sense. "And wait, did you just say she stepped in between you and Banner? On purpose?!"

"I know right! She was just standing there trying to get him not to smash me, and he sent her flying. But then she got back up again and I gave her some cheese. She's just like me, only she's pretty, and has hair. And well is a girl, and apparently she's a klutz." Deadpool rambled to himself.

"Well if you're supposed to be watching her then you probably shouldn't let her sleep on the street." Spider-Man pointed out.

*Why the hell am I encouraging this whack job to take this woman home? Hmm, maybe whack job is a poor choice of words right now.*

Deadpool snickered and nodded his head enthusiastically in agreement. He crouched down next to Samantha and shook her shoulder but Sam only mumbled a bit. Grinning he picked her up bridal style and drew her in next to his chest as he stood up.

The motion as he stood had the effect that shaking her shoulder and foot did not. Cracking her eye open she sleepily said "Wade, put me down I can walk." But she wasn't very convincing as she slurred it a bit.

"No worries princess, I got you. We're only about a half block away anyway" He reassured her. Sighing she snuggled deeper into his chest and fell back asleep.

*This is the weirdest thing I have ever seen, and I once saw Wolverine win a karaoke competition.*

"Well she looks alright with the plan right now but I wouldn't be surprised when she freaks out and beans you with a frying pan when she wakes up at your place." Spider-Man cautioned as he shot a line of webbing and took off.

{Neither would I}

Deadpool would have shrugged but he didn't want to jostle the sleeping Sam. So instead he just set off down the block to his place.

Reaching the cross street, he turned and entered his building. It was a non-descript apartment building that was starting to show its age. Most of the tenants were blue collar workers who didn't care what it looked like so long as the rent was cheap for the amount of space they got and they weren't hassled by the landlord. Maintenance wasn't great but Deadpool himself had never had a problem with it. Besides to him it was simply a place to sleep and shower, store his weapons, and play the occasional videogame.

He shouldered the apartment door open, he rarely bothered to lock it because no one was crazy enough to enter it. The interior was somewhat a cross between a frat house and a military barracks. He had a large TV and leather chair, that was surrounded by old pizza boxes and crumpled taco wrappers. But up against the back wall stood four tall bookshelves, stuffed with titles that would be found in any military college, a tattered murder mysteries collection, and a special fluffy white unicorn. Along with various magazines and an assortment of shiny objects he had found on missions.

The attached kitchen was mostly unused except the fridge which held a case of cheap beer, half a gallon of milk, and ketchup. If he ever bothered to open the freezer he'd find the gun, he lost and an ice tray with a solitary cube in it so old it predated him living there. The cabinets were empty except for some plates, 2 glasses, silverware, Bisquick pancake mix, and syrup. At least it was real maple syrup from Canada.

While older, the apartment boasted two bedrooms, one with an attached bathroom, and a guest bath. It also had ample storage space which Deadpool used for his various 'occupational necessities'. He was smart enough however, to not store things that would go ka-boom in his apartment. Or maybe he just wasn't crazy enough to do it. He did have plenty of pew pew guns stashed away and Bea and Arthur, his katanas, sat in a place of honor on top of the bookshelves in the living room.

Deadpool did consider placing Sam in the guest bedroom, which while it was a decent size was also full of odds and ends he had just tossed in there when he didn't know where else he wanted them. On the other hand, the master bedroom had a king sized bed, and was by far the neatest room in the whole apartment. Except the corner where he had a tendency to dump his filthy and torn suits in.

The sheets on his bed were satin because cotton or flannel tended to irritate the scars on his skin. He had enough trouble sleeping as it was. And yes he had been teasing Sam about the black light although there was a huge container of lotion and a box of tissues on the bedside table along with a reading lamp and a dog eared copy of _The Book of Five Rings_.

Setting Sam down on the bed he pulled her shoes and socks off and debated her shorts for a second. Shrugging his shoulders, he stuck a hand down the back of her shorts to determine what sort of underwear she was wearing. Apparently it was bikini briefs and he judged them modest enough that the shorts weren't needed. Not that he wanted to encourage modesty on her part but Spidey may not have been far off when he warned about frying pans. Satisfied that she would be comfortable, and thus less likely to waste their time trying to kill him, he pulled the light sheet up over her and left the room.

Walking back out to the kitchen he checked to make sure the milk wasn't expired so he could make pancakes in the morning, and switched the Roomba on. It was soon bustling around the living room, the luau girl glued to its top swaying softly. He ignored the pizza boxes but did remember to lock the door and check the thermostat before wandering back into his bedroom.

Deadpool's real problem, at the moment, was that he couldn't decide if he wanted to sleep in his costume or if he wanted to sleep in a pair of his boxers. Actually he didn't want to sleep in either but that was a debate for another night. The suit while comfortable wasn't something he wanted to sleep in. But he was worried that if he slept without the suit on and Sam woke up before him the sight of his uncovered skin would make her lose her appetite for pancakes. Or for him for that matter.

{There he goes being delusional again.}

[Hope springs eternal.]

Deciding the suit was in both their best interest he climbed in on the other side of the bed and lay down on his back. He normally slept dead center in the bed but he figured this was his best course of action.

[I thought we were going to be the big spoon!]

{What the fuck man, she's right over there, and she likes our ass!}

[Now is not the time to be a gentleman!]

{Do we even know how to do that?}

"She won't like it" he told them.

Time passed as he lay there staring at the ceiling listening to Sam's measured breathing. Every once in a while she would shift in her sleep but for the most part she was quiet. He tried very hard to ignore that every time she shifted she got closer to him. Normally he'd read, or whack off if he couldn't sleep but he was afraid the light and or the noise would wake her. He was debating going out into the living room to read when Sam snuggled into his side. Muscle memory conditioned to years of sleeping with her husband had her tucking her head under his chin and swinging her upper hip and leg over his so that she was draped half across him. He was hard instantly, and he cursed to himself. Suddenly deciding he could live with being bashed in the head with a cast iron object he used one arm to draw her in closer and the other to settle her leg across him more comfortably. He finally drifted off thinking that whatever soap she had used earlier he was going to buy it for her by the gallon.

Several hours later, Sam was woken up by bright light streaming in through the south facing windows. Apparently there were no curtains to block the light and the sun had finally reached the angle needed to shine directly in her face. It took her a second to realize that she was lying on the far side of a rather large bed facing a nondescript wall. Securely wrapped around her where a pair of heavily muscled arms encased in the trademark red and black suit. A very sizable case of morning wood was lodged up against her ass but judging by his steady breathing he wasn't awake anyway. She did notice, and questioned the fact that her shorts were missing but she had been wearing some pretty non-skimpy panties so she didn't really mind. She might not ever let him know that however.

The sheets she was pleased to see both looked and smelled clean. Would wonders never cease. Mixed with the fresh laundry scent was Deadpool's scent, which although she couldn't place wasn't unpleasant. It might have been a mint blend but whatever else was in it she couldn't tell. She did also catch a whiff of gunpowder and cleaning oil but she imagined that was from the suit. What was unpleasant was the mountain of dirty laundry she could see in one corner of the room.

The pile of laundry was really bugging her she decided, five-minutes later. It and the fact that she really had to pee. But she was way too comfortable to want to get out of bed. She had to admit, if only to herself, that this was the best night's sleep she'd had in years. Her bladder didn't really care about that though. Sighing she dragged herself out of Deadpool's arms and got up to find the bathroom. She located it easily since the door was left open. She quickly closed the door and prayed that the precedent set by the sheets would be continued with the toilet.

Finished, she washed her hands and opened the bathroom door to find an empty bed. She listened for a second and decided he must have wandered towards the front of the apartment where she assumed the living room and kitchen were. Sam thought about it for a second and decided that she needed a shower more than she needed to know what he was up to. The only problem being that she didn't have any clean clothes.

(Well I guess we're going dresser diving)

Opening up the dresser she hunted around until she found a pair of running style shorts with a drawstring and a fresh cotton t-shirt. The shorts had a built in liner so she decided that she didn't have to wear her underwear two days in a row, the bra she could easily live with doing so. In fact, she probably would have done so anyway because it was actually a comfortable one.

Walking back into the bathroom she placed her finds on the counter and started the shower. She debated locking the door but decided the lock wouldn't stop him if he really wanted in and she wasn't sure that this wasn't the only bathroom in the apartment. And that would make it rather rude to lock him out of it. Quickly stripping she stepped into the shower and did a quick hair rinse and then lathered up with his body wash. Sam was pleased to notice that she had been right about it being a combination of mint and other subtle scents. She also did a quick check but there were no signs to mark that she had lost a match to the Hulk yesterday. Satisfied on that point and clean she shut off the water and stepped out. Drying off she quickly threw on her confiscated clothes. Deciding she'd just do a messy bun today she crammed her hair up and used the remaining pins form yesterday to try and hold it up. She was definitely going to have to get more hair gear.

Samantha picked up her discarded shirts and underwear and looked for a laundry bin but realized that was a lost cause. So she wadded them up and walked into the bedroom and dropped them on top of where Deadpool had left her shorts and socks the night before. From there she quietly padded barefoot into the living room.

Deadpool was sliding another pancake onto the pile when he heard the bedroom door open. He listened and thought he heard her footsteps pause hallway down the hall which meant that she had noticed the second bedroom and bathroom. He mentally steeled himself for a barrage of yelling about last night and pasted a smile on his face. It had been nice while it lasted. But he was surprised when Sam came into his line of sight. Instead of looking pissed she was smiling and looking around at the apartment.

"It's much bigger than I thought it would be." She said and then immediately blushed. "I meant the apartment" she stammered.

(So's the lodge pole, although maybe not bigger than expected.)

Blushing even harder she pressed on. "Did you sleep in that thing all night?" She indicated the suit.

"I figured it was better if you didn't wake up to any nasty surprises" he confirmed, nodding.

She eyed him a moment as if she wasn't satisfied with the answer but then shook her head and regarded the plates of pancakes. There were two neatly stacked with one stack about double size of the other. Next to both stood a glass of milk. Ignoring the plate for the glass she took a sip and then turned back to him. "No table?"

"Nah I always either eat in my chair or in here against the counter." He replied

[Are we talking about food or her]

{Both works, we have lots of syrup}

Sam threw her head back and laughed. "Oh Lordy, you are going to do bad things to my ability to maintain my blood pressure. How about we start with breakfast and then we'll have a discussion about all things related to my stay." Then without waiting for Deadpool's answer she hopped up on the counter and grabbed the smaller plate.

Deadpool checked that the stove was off and then taking his plate leaned against the wall across from where she sat. Not bothering with a fork he just rolled the pancakes and stuffed them in his mouth. He was too busy eating, bobbing his head to whatever song was stuck in his head, to notice that Sam was watching him closely.

"Do you wear the suit all the time?" she queried.

Deadpool almost choked on his pancake. Managing to swallow it down he shook his head.

"So if you don't wear it all the time why are you wearing it now? Is it because I'm here?" She continued.

Deadpool blew out a breath deciding whether or not he wanted to answer her questions. He set his plate down, which was empty anyway, and rubbed the back of his neck uncomfortably. Finally, he went with. "Not everyone likes it in the raw"

"So what your sayin' is that you're so hideous that my poor shallow soul just won't be able to handle it?" She quirked an eyebrow at him.

"Statistically that would be correct." He answered.

Her face softened and she slid off the counter sauntering towards him. Entering his personal space, she ran a finger down his chest while the other hand came up to rub his neck where he had moments ago. "Well I passed Statistics darlin' with very high marks." She purred. Her left hand trailed further down to his hipbone. Her smile was siren like, and Deadpool's brain short circuited but in the next second she had seized the base of his mask and pulled it up and over and threw it into the sink.

Deadpool blinked hard and stared at her. He couldn't believe what she had just done. "You dirty minx." He rumbled, but it was hard to tell if he was angry or just startled.

Leaning forward Sam kissed his nose and replied "I'm not dirty I already had my shower for the day."

(And you missed it)

"Wait, what just happened here?" Deadpool asked confused.

"What happened Darlin' is that I kissed you on the nose and told you that I was freshly showered. Now why don't you go get a shower and put on a suit or clothes that you did not sleep in and we'll head on over to the tower." She patted his cheek, smiled into his eyes and casually strolled over to the other side of the counter to pick up her milk glass.

"Wait, wait, you just can't turn my crank like that and then tell me to take a shower so we can go and visit Stark!" He whined.

"You'll need to work a little bit harder if you want a reward." She chided him.

"When will then be now?" He quoted.

"I love that movie!" She squealed. "'Soon, but not that soon" she smiled. "Also if I'm staying here, and by here I mean this dimension, for any amount of time I have a ton of shopping to do.'

"What? Wait, no, when did we get married?" He questioned?

(What the hell is he talking about?)

"I got up, I made breakfast, I got blue balled TWICE, and now I have to go visit people I don't want to see AND go shopping. That's marriage" He opined.


	7. Chapter 7 Relax Lemon

Hi All, I'm releasing this right after 6, in honor of International Women's Day….

 **(Pink Box)**

 **[White Box]**

 **{Yellow Box}**

(MCU)

Deadpool and Sam arrived at the tower right around eleven. This time they rode the lift up, and when the doors opened they found the lounge packed with people. Apparently Pepper had made it back from Paris early that morning and Thor, Jane, and Darcy Lewis were in from New Mexico.

Catching sight of them Barton smiled and said. "You're super early, Tony hasn't even woken up yet."

Bruce who was reading the paper at the table looked up with a grin and added "Well, he finally passed out about two hours ago so he probably won't be up again until 5'ish."

"That sounds about right," Pepper agreed as she exited the kitchen with a mug of coffee in hand. "I heard you guys had a rough night."

Sam smiled and replied, "Someone tried to poison me with old pepper jack cheese, but I survived to make him regret it."

Pepper beamed, "I'm Pepper by the way, and welcome to Avengers Tower. These are Thor, Jane, and Darcy," as she pointed in turn.

"Oh I know; we haven't exactly met but I know," she gestured self-consciously.

Deadpool said nothing having already met all assembled. Besides he still wasn't all that thrilled to be at the Tower two days in a row.

Darcy smiled and stepped forward. "Hey Deadpool," and when he turned to acknowledge her, she tased him right in the chest.

"The hell," he yelped.

She shrugged saying, "Well I've got all the Avengers, I figured I'd branch out to all the villains next."

"That's great," he wheezed, "I'd hate to be left out."

{[Fuck that hurt!]}

Sam standing next to him was appalled. "Did you just tase him?!" she hissed, "We do not tase people for fun!"

"But it's just Deadpool, it won't even hurt him. So chill out Lemon," Darcy shot back.

(Oh no, she did not just compare me to Lemon Breeland from Hart of Dixie. And how dare she do that to Wade.)

Without even thinking about it Sam reached out and slapped Darcy across her face just hard enough to make a point. "Just because he can heal it doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt when you do it." She spat out. "And Wade has done nothin' to deserve it."

{Cat fight!}

[$50 on the redhead.]

Darcy looked mad enough to taser Samantha when Deadpool leaned over to Barton and asked him "Do we have any Jell-O or cream corn?"

Clint looked at him bemused and shook his head. But before Darcy could return fire Thor reached out and grabbed both pugilists by the shirt collar and gave them both a gentle shake.

"Stop fighting like a pair of Bilgesnipe in the rut, there be no reason for it," He rumbled.

"She tased him…." Sam hissed.

"And it was a real turn on," Deadpool teased.

Sam just huffed out, "Fine."

Thor considered the two of them and looking at Darcy said, "Do not tase the Pool of Dead, thou wouldst not enjoy it if you get him worked up."

"But I would," Deadpool crooned. Sam gave him an evil look.

Setting Sam back on her feet Thor assured her, "I hath been tased twice by Lady Darcy, 'twill do him no harm. But thou art just in saying she should not do it for fun. 'Twas without honor." Darcy was the one to huff this time.

Pepper who had watched the entire exchange mortified, tried to smooth it all over. "Samantha, would you be at all interested in going shopping with Natasha and I today. Tony, as we said, won't be up till later. Also Jane and Darcy will be working with Bruce in the lab. I'm sure you need a ton of things since you lost your luggage on the way here."

"I'd be up for that," came a quiet, Russian accented voice from the left of them. Natasha Romanoff had been standing in the kitchen arch the entire time and all but Deadpool and Clint had failed to notice her.

Jane eying her assistant thought it might be for the best as well. "Bruce if your done why don't we all head down to the lab now and get started on it."

Thor having also released Darcy at this point turned to Deadpool and bellowed, "I heard there was much fun had with a mortal combat last night. Care to test yourself against an Asgardian Prince?" Then for emphasis cracked his knuckles on either hand and gave a 'have at thee' smile.

"You're on Pikachu, come on Bird-Boy I demand a rematch." As far as Deadpool was concerned Mortal Kombat always trumped shopping. And with the Widow to watch over Sam, that meant he was off the clock. His Saturday was saved.

After Happy dropped the ladies off at the nearest mall, they made their way towards the Nike outlet so that Sam could pick up some new sneakers and running gear.

"So, I noticed you know enough about fighting to pull that hit," Natasha remarked as they waited for the clerk to bring out shoes in Sam's size.

"My husband was a deputy sheriff and I like cross-fit so I have had some experience with self-defense and boxing." Sam answered non-plussed by the question. "Not that I have any real fighting skills, and I didn't hit her hard because I didn't want to hurt her I just wanted to make a point."

"Oh I think you made it." Pepper laughed. "I haven't seen Darcy so surprised, ever. Although I'm sure she didn't really mean any harm, she's tased Tony at least 10 times now. I think she's gotten everyone except maybe Natasha."

"Speaking of surprises what is going on with you and Deadpool. Yesterday you stepped in front of the Hulk for him and today you seemed a tad bit possessive," Widow smirked.

"I just don't like the idea of him getting hurt even though I know he'll just walk it off. Seems like it's always ok because 'it's just Deadpool' and that isn't right." Sam explained. "But no Wade and I are not an item, he's just helping me out and in return I will help him straighten out that mess he calls his finances."

"How do you know his finances are a mess?" Pepper asked,

Sam shrugged, "Let's just call it a hunch."

"What are you going to do when he goes back out on a job?" This was from Natasha who was also trying on a pair of sneakers, her's were for the gym.

"Do you mean what am I going to do for protection? I guess I'll just hang out at the tower if y'all don't mind."

"We always have more than enough room and it would be nice to have another girl around," Pepper assured her. "But would you be interested in going back to work here in New York if your stay looks like it's going to last a bit. I mean I don't want to pry into your life but living here in the city is going to get expensive fast. Even if we have you at the tower you'll be amazed how pricey things are here."

Sam laughed, "Well I will admit that between yesterday and today I'm likely to shop more than I have in a year or more but I don't think it'll make much of a dent. See my family's, how do I put it, old money. Daddy was a lawyer, down in Kentucky, but I think it was mostly to keep busy, and Momma's daddy was a Senator for a bit and well her side had money too of course. So I have a trust, but then Johnathan and I worked really hard to keep our expenses to just my paycheck and we saved and invested his. I think he agreed to it mostly so Daddy couldn't hang my trust over his head. And then when he and the boys died I just took the insurance and the settlement money and tossed it in with the money we had already set aside. 'Cause I was up at my parents and sold the house down in Atlanta. I didn't really have any expenses except I had kept an apartment just in case I could face going back to Atlanta. Which was silly of course, I mean the boys didn't die in Atlanta, but every time I turned a corner down there I could remember the boys being there and it was just about to drive me insane."

"So what you're saying is that lunch is on you" Natasha said breaking the gloom that had settled over them.

"Samantha's smile was small but it was there. "You're on."

Samantha ended up picking out enough workout gear for a week's worth of workouts plus two pairs of running sneakers. She was a firm believer in rotating them so as to prevent injuries although that was apparently not a concern anymore. She mostly stuck with black or grey capris and tank tops in various bright colors.

They stopped to grab lunch at a small Greek place inside the mall and then checked out a few stores such as Anne Taylor and Macy's. She also found a gorgeous pair of boots that Pepper convinced her she had to get. It wasn't hard considering they reminded her of a pair she had loved but that she had ruined by accidently spilling paint thinner all over them.

Between the three of them they mad managed to grab quite a hall and Pepper called Happy to pick up what they had while they hit a few more boutiques in the mall. They even hit up Victoria's Secret but Sam only grabbed a few basic undergarments and some pajamas.

"What I really need is a kitchen table," she remarked apropos to nothing. "But I have this feeling that Deadpool does not like home delivery outside of pizza and Mexican food. I'll just run it by him later I guess, but I can't stand eating standing up and my momma would kill me if she saw me sitting on the kitchen counter like I did this morning."

"Somehow it doesn't surprise me that he has no table," Romanoff commented. "He doesn't strike me as someone who sits down to eat often."

"Well the pancakes he made were surprisingly good, and the apartment isn't a tragedy. Honestly Johnathan was worse when he was in college."

Happy collected them shortly thereafter. He offered to take Sam's packages by the apartment but Sam declined. She didn't feel comfortable giving them Wade's address without checking with him first.

Clint, Wade, and Thor played Mortal Kombat for more than an hour and managed to do it without incident. If you didn't count the two controllers that Thor accidently crushed when he got excited. Darcy who had grown bored in the lab below joined them after lunch and they adopted teams Wade and Clint on one and Darcy and Thor on the other. Of course Deadpool was at times a bit too rowdy, once tackling Thor in order to give Clint the advantage. He also frequently got told to shut up. But they stopped telling him that when he handed Clint a ball gag and offered to wear it for him.

"Dude what do you have hidden away in those pouches?!" The horrified Clint had asked.

They switched to Mario Kart when Steve joined them slightly after two. By the time that Tony made an appearance Thor had managed to crush another three controllers and the play had gotten quite rowdy with taunting and betting going on between the players. Surprisingly Captain America seemed to be the one most worked up and was shelling Thor mercilessly in his bid for victory. Darcy was cat calling and high-fiving in turns with the exception that she was studiously ignoring Deadpool.

Tony who knew that Darcy was equal opportunity in her teasing picked up on the difference right away. "What's going on with those two?" He indicated Deadpool and Darcy.

Clint laughed, "They had an incident this morning and now Darcy refuses to talk to him or go near him."

"What the hell did Deadpool do this time?" Tony groaned.

Deadpool ignored the question and just concentrated on maneuvering his Yoshi past Mario. However, Clint who still thought the incident was hilarious cracked up all over again.

"Oh no, he didn't do anything this time. Darcy tased him, and Sam slapped the shit out of her for it. Thor had to break them up. Which was a pity because Wade and I were wondering if you had Jell-O around."

I've got to see this; Jarvis cue up the security footage!" Tony exclaimed.

[Oh great, now we get to relive it.]

{Yeah but we get to watch the cats go at it again.}

[True, the Coyote has some claws.]

"Coyotes have teeth not claws," Deadpool argued. Everyone looked at him strangely.

Jarvis had the video up instantly but Tony made him wait until some popcorn was popped before he had him play it. Captain, who had not witnessed the original altercation remarked "It looks like she pulled that hit. You can see she never shifted her feet and her shoulder didn't come through either."

Deadpool who hadn't noticed the first time agreed with him. "I think you're right Spangles; she didn't really hit her so much as tap her. Looks like she wasn't that mad after all."

"It still hurt," Darcy sulked.

"Yeah but you don't have any bruising and it looks like if she had really swung through you'd have lost a few teeth," Deadpool pointed out.

It almost looked like a light bulb went off over Tony's head. "Deadpool how much can you lift?" He asked excitedly. "Because if Sam has basically the same mutation than she should have a proportional amount of strength."

Deadpool shrugged," I don't pay that much attention to what they look like after I finish with them."

"No, no, I mean how much can you pick up, not how much damage can you inflict." Tony clarified.

"Ummm I don't really go to the gym but I know I can throw a Volkswagen if the situation calls for it," He hedged.

[Well we do go to the gym but only to drop off our stuff.]

{Eww mouth breathers.}

"Alright everyone, pack it in we're all going down to Lab 4, I want to see who can put up the most numbers" Stark said with glee. "Come on Darcy, you and I can be the baseline human models,"

"Yeah, about that I can't say that I'm a huge fan of labs," Deadpool prevaricated.

"If you want we can wait until Sam gets back and ask her to hold your hand," Tony quipped.

Deadpool made an obscene gesture and growled under his breath.

{We should just see if we can pick him up by his neck and throw him.}

[Sounds good to us.]

Eventually they all filed down to the lab, and got started. They decided that they would all Deadlift to max weight to determine a baseline for their strength. It wouldn't really replicate battle conditions but it would work for what Tony had in mind.

"Jarvis activate the magnetic weights, start off at 100lbs and we'll see what Darcy can give us." Tony prompted his AI

"Very well, Sir," came the cultured tones.

Darcy was able to give them a respectable 115lbs but lifting wasn't really her thing and the most she toted around was her cell and her taser. Stark who had never performed a deadlift before either put up 295lbs. Hawkeye topped out at 315lbs but was quick to point out that his job was accuracy not muscle.

When Captain America stepped up to the plate everyone watched in anticipation, and Jarvis had to bump the weight to 1, 240lbs before the sensors rated him as maxed out. Next up was Wade who wasn't sure where he was going to end up but he was betting he had the Captain beat by a mile. It turned out he was right because when Jarvis displayed his max it was 4,409lbs. Wade stepped back with a very cocky smile plastered on underneath his mask.

"Well ladies it looks like I have you all beat." He smirked.

Thor took it as a challenge but Tony stopped him before he could grab hold of the bar. "Hold on big guy, last time we tried this with you, you broke my lab and it cost me $300,000 to replace the electromagnets. Let's just call you the undisputed champion and move on."

"Sir, Ms. Potts, Agent Romanoff, and Ms. Wiley have returned, shall I have them head down so that you may continue this experiment?" Jarvis inquired.

"That would be great Jarvis, and put in an order to Cortez's for pizza for everyone. Wade you'll take a supreme, right? Any idea what Sam would want?" Tony asked.

"Hawaiian for me actually and I have no idea what she'd eat on a pizza, maybe veggie. Or just order a second Hawaiian and I'll eat it if she doesn't," Deadpool replied.

The ladies had just walked into the lounge trailed by Happy with their packages and bags when Jarvis informed them that their presence was requested in the lab.

"I wonder what Anthony has them up to now," Pepper mused.

"Well they've had a fair few hours to get themselves into trouble" Sam hesitated, thinking of all the trouble Wade could have gotten into.

"Mr. Stark is working on an experiment to measure the strength of the various Avengers, Mr. Wilson, and Ms. Wiley. He theorizes that Ms. Wiley's strength may be enhanced due to her mutation. As Mr. Wilson's mutation appears to be similar in nature he expects that her capabilities should be greater than average as well." Jarvis intoned.

The three looked at each other and just shrugged. Happy wished them luck and let Sam know that he would leave her bags there by the elevator so she could grab them on her way out later. Giving him their thanks they took the elevator down part of the way with him to the floor that Lab 4 was located on. When they entered they were greeted by the sight of a near manic Anthony arguing that he should be allowed to use his numbers in his suit vs his numbers outside the suit for his score. No one else seemed to be agreeing with him.

Pepper managed to calm him down and get him back on track. He quickly had Pepper do a lift and then Natasha who surprised them all with a 497lbs. Stark paused Sam before she did her lift to ask her a few questions.

"Sam do you lift a lot when you work out at the gym? And do you know what you could lift before the accident?"

"Some, but I mostly do a CrossFit routine so it's more bodyweight, or flipping tires, or boxing vs standing at a machine and picking stuff up and putting it back down. And no I didn't start lifting until after the accident."

"Well let's give it a go. I think you might be surprised what number you reach. But if I'm right you and Deadpool's numbers are going to be similar. Of course we have to factor in your muscle mass differences and conditioning experience. I'm guessing you weigh about 140 and he's fairly close to the Cap in size so we can estimate him at 220-225. So you're about 62 percent of his mass. So if we come up with a number close to 62% of his max that should back my theory that your mutation is just like his even if it is a coincidental similarity." Tony explained.

Sam's only response was to lift one manicured brow up and to execute the lift. Deadpool of course let out a wolf whistle when she performed the squat portion of the lift. Tony joined him when the results flashed up. Sam had managed to deadlift 2,700 lbs.

{That means she can pin us against the wall and have her way with us}

[That means when we piss her off she's going to rip our head off]

"We'll just reattach it." He mused.

Stark looked ecstatic, he was pulling up multiple screens and comparing them while rocking back and forth on the balls of his feet. "These results are just what I expected! Of course I have no idea if this has anything to do with your being here or if it's just another happy coincidence but I really doubt that there are that many coincidences at work. So I'm hoping when we figure out one we figure out the other."

Just then Jarvis broke in with an urgent summons "Sir, Director Fury wishes for the Avengers to… 'assemble'. Shall I cancel the Cortez order or have them donate it Sir?"

"Have them donate it Jarvis, and inform Director Monocle that we're on our way. Well you two, it's been fun but we have to run. Sam get with me in a few days and I'll let you know what I figured out. In the meantime, don't do anything I wouldn't do." Tony teased.

Pepper and Darcy rode the elevator up with them to the main lounge level so that Sam could pick up her purchases before they headed out.

"Dear God princess, did you manage to buy the entire mall?" Wade demanded when he saw the pile that was only slightly diminished after they pulled out Pepper's and Natasha's bags.

"Not quite but I did buy a number of outfits, some workout gear, some sneakers, a pair of cute boots, and some other essentials. I didn't really need the boots but I used to have a pair just like them that I loved so I splurged. Besides we're not walking this evening, sadly I have to catch a cab over to the eastside and back to pick up the stuff at my hotel room. So the only real assistance I'll need is getting this stuff into your apartment from the cab." She chattered as she loaded the items into the freight elevator for them to be taken down to the waiting cab. Pepper had been kind enough to offer Happy but when his services were turned down had called a cab for them instead.

It was easily the worst cab ride that Sam had ever had the misfortune to take. She was sure that the only thing that kept her from screaming at the driver and demanding that he pull over was the fact that she had an iron grip on Wade's arm.

Deadpool couldn't be sure but he thought he might be bleeding. He should be healing but Sam's fingers were through his suit and into his arm. To be fair the cab ride was a little rough, a few red lights run, one near accident, but he'd had worse rides.

[So has she, you idiot, and it didn't go so well.]

{Any crash you can walk away from…}

"Oh yeah, you don't like car rides anymore do you?" he spoke into the silence.

"I'm fine" she assured him, but her voice held a quaver. When they finally arrived at the Marriott she almost fell out of the car in relief. She had Wade wait with the cab while she ran up to collect her things. She might have taken him with her but one she didn't trust the cabby to not leave with her things and two she didn't think the hotel staff shared his fashion sense.

She quickly grabbed her things and headed back down in the elevator. Mentally stealing herself she climbed back into the cab. Instead of sitting next to the door she scooted into the center and buckled up next to Deadpool.

By the time they made it back over to the west side and his apartment, Wade was almost as happy to be out of the cab as Sam. He had asked her several times how she was doing but all she had said each time was that she was fine. Deadpool may not be a genius but he was pretty sure that was code for 'I'm going to break down screaming at any second'. She was so pale when they got out of the cab that he didn't even complain when he carried most of the bags upstairs.

Dropping the bags, she was carrying next to the recliner in the living room she walked into the kitchen and poured herself a glass of water from the tap. Deadpool dropped the rest next to hers and walked into the kitchen after her.

"Alright princess, tell me what's up" he demanded.

"I'm fine." She answered automatically.

"Don't lie to me!" He yelled slamming his fists down on either side of her on the counter. That must have been the final straw because her eyes misted over and her bottom lip started to quiver.

[Ah shit, we broke her.]

{Actually I think that might have been the cabby}

"I'm never going to be fine again!" she wailed and started to sob uncontrollably.

 **Author's Note(s)**

 **Based upon the official handbook of the Marvel Universe Master Edition Vol. 3., #25, Deadpool is able to lift up to 2 tons. This puts him in the superhuman category.**

 **Hawkeye can lift 315lbs and is not considered at peak human strength. Per All-New Official Handbook of the Marvel Universe (OHOTMU) #5**

 **Captain Rodgers can lift up to 1,200lbs reference All-New OHOTMU: A-Z Updates #2 (2007)**

 **Natasha peak human 500lbs. Anything over 800lbs is considered superhuman.**

 **IRL the women's deadlift record is Bekah Swanson with 683lbs.**


	8. Chapter 8 In the Navy

**(Pink Box)**

 **[White Box]**

 **{Yellow Box}**

 **(MCU)**

Deadpool had a lot of experience with people begging, screaming and pissing themselves; but he didn't have a ton with women crying. Mostly because his contracts involved dictators, stealing intel, and taking out rival gang leaders for the highest bidder. Fortunately, he watched a lot of daytime TV in his off time so he knew the whole shtick, plus he knew a shit ton on reaching your breaking point. Apparently he had finally found a use for Ryan Gosling.

[Besides eye candy.]

{That ass! Those abs! We just want to crawl all over him.}

"Okay, let's pretend I'm slow and you can tell me why an admittedly bad cab ride equals the end of the world as you know it," he started with. Though it wasn't for sure but he thought her answer might have been, "Because I'm never going to be normal again," but she was sobbing so hard he couldn't really make it out.

[So she just realized she's just like us.]

{Talk about a blow to the ego.}

"Look I know that being like me isn't the greatest thing going. Trust me I know but, having a healing factor isn't all that bad. Wolverine has a healing factor and he's an X-men."

{That was supposed to be helpful?}

[At least he didn't use Creed as an example.]

{What is she saying?}

"You're going to have to repeat that one Dixie Chick."

"I ..sn't talking abo...ou I meant be… able u be m.." She sobbed.

Okay so reasoning wasn't going to happen, time for some Ryan Gosling. Picking her up he carried her over to the recliner in the living room and sat with her on his lap. He positioned her so that she was sitting across his hips facing into his chest with her head on his shoulder. Peeling off his gloves he started rubbing her back underneath her T-shirt and making soothing noises. He was pretty sure this is what Gosling did in these situations. Well he didn't have gloves on but, yeah.

Her head was tucked into his shoulder and she was sobbing so hard she was starting to hiccup. "It's alright, hey whatever it is we'll figure something out." He wasn't sure how long they sat there with him rubbing her back and her soaking his suit. At some point he took his mask off and settled his chin onto the crown of her head. He'd read somewhere that skin to skin contact was helpful for babies, maybe it worked on adults too.

{You can read?}

[Of course, how else would we understand the internet?]

Slowly her sobbing slowed and her tears dried up. He wasn't sure if she had passed out or if she had just run out of the energy to sob. He got his answer shortly.

"I wasn't crying because I'm like you," she sniffed quietly against his chest.

"Ok, what are we crying about then?" he absently rubbed her back.

"For a stupid reason."

"Well Princess you've come to the right place; I love stupid reasons," he assured her. He couldn't be sure but he thought he felt her smile against his collar bone.

"I'm crying because I just realized I'm never going to be able to enjoy driving again. I can't even take a car ride without freaking out and seeing that dam green hood in my head," she murmured against him.

"What green hood? I assume we're talking about a car and not my hoody collection."

She sighed into his shoulder and looked up at him. Deadpool tried not to react to her face being so close to his, but it was hard when he had his scarring on display. She rubbed his cheek for a second and then shifted in order to get more comfortable. Settling her head back under his chin she began her story.

"When I woke up in the car I wasn't sure where I was, wasn't sure why I was staring at a smashed up windshield. Then I realized that we had been traveling up to see my parents before the tax season started and I got way too busy to make the trip. And that's when I started screaming I think. First I was screaming for the boys to answer me, and then when I finally managed to get turned around enough in the seat to see behind me I just couldn't stop.

I didn't know Johnathan was dead right away, I thought maybe he was just unconscious, same with James. Their injuries were bad I could see that, but they might not have been fatal. At least I couldn't tell from the angle I was stuck at. But when I finally managed to wrench around to see where Wyatt was sitting it was just the smashed up hood of another car. The driver could never have stopped in time and they were hit from behind as well anyway. But that car, it was a green Prius, smashed through the side of our car and crushed Wyatt below it. I just knew my baby was gone. And all I could do was scream."

Deadpool wrapped his arms around her and waited to hear the rest. Even the boxes were silent.

"I was nearly catatonic, their words not mine, by the time the firefighters reached me. They cut me out but I wasn't really that injured. I guess I might have been of course but now we'll never know. Anyway I can't really remember anything, not the ambulance ride, or the hospital. I don't remember any of it. The only thing I do remember was the funeral, or pieces of it anyway. See the boxes were too small and the flowers were wrong."

"The boxes?" He thought he knew but he wanted to be sure. He felt her hair brush his bare chin as she nodded her head.

"They were too small for the boys. I remember thinking that, they were way too small to hold the boys. Two little white boxes, on either side of Johnathan's. And the flowers, they were ordered by my mother and the sheriff's department. But they were all wrong, because the boys loved sunflowers not roses. I can't remember the music they played or what the hell was said but I can't get those boxes out of my head most nights."

"I went up to Kentucky to stay with my parents just so I wouldn't have to step foot in my own home. Momma went down and picked up my clothes and the pictures and a few other things that she thought I would want to keep and donated the rest. I sold the house itself just so I would never have to see it again. I tried once to go inside but it was so quiet, and I could hear the boys laughing in my head. Like there were ghosts. I knew if I stayed I'd just end up screaming and wouldn't be able to stop, besides what made it home wasn't there anymore."

I spent two years in a haze, I went to work via telecommute, ran, and just tried to do anything that would exhaust me so I could sleep. I talked to therapists, and a survivors group for the accident. That's how I met Edward. I might have mentioned him, although it might have been to one of the Avengers. I've tried to explain this so many times. Anyway Edward is a friend of mine, he was in the accident as well. He got really badly burned when his car burst into flames, lost his right ear and eye and some fingers on his right side. His wife, she's a sweetheart, she sends me cookies now and then. Although I guess she won't be doing that anymore."

"Two years and I was starting to think I was ready to try again. I moved to Raleigh, got a condo, set up my own company. Things seemed like they were getting better. Of course I still wasn't driving. I was either biking where I needed to go or taking the subway. Or I'd walk if it was close. My condo was pretty central to where I needed to be. But of course it was still silent."

She paused, seemed to consider what she was about to say next. Deadpool waited, figuring that silence was actually serving him well for once.

"I finally got up the nerve to go back down to Atlanta for a weekend to do that race and somehow I ended up here. And I don't know if I'm pissed off at the universe for that or grateful. I mean I don't really belong here but apparently I don't really belong back where I come from either."

She shifted again her head deeper into the crease where his neck met his shoulder. Listening to his heartbeat. "You want to know what the crazy part is?"

He nodded, waiting.

[Keep it together, no erection...]

{BOING!}

[Thank god she can only see us and not hear us.]

{She's going to notice that eventually.}

Deadpool mentally wrestled his erection back down.

"The crazy part is that as bad as the past two days have been it's still the best I've felt in years. I mean besides the whole death by Hulk thing." She continued, either not noticing, or pretending not to notice his dilemma.

"Well, I do like to show a lady a good time," he joked.

"I noticed that, thanks for the pancakes by the way they were pretty damn good." Right about then her stomach growled. "Too bad we missed pizza night, care to order one in here? I notice by the scattering of boxes on the floor here that you aren't against pizza."

"I like places that deliver, or I'm willing to go out and eat if it's Mexican food stands. I know all the good ones in the city." He shrugged his shoulders, indicating it was her preference.

"I vote Chinese, since I have zero interest in leaving the apartment I'm feeling a bit like a worn out sponge." She climbed off his lap in search of her phone. "Do you know a good place or shall I search Yelp for some reviews?"

"I got it," he fished his phone out of its pouch, "what do you want?"

"Can I get cashew chicken and some fried rice, pork if they have it. Oh and crab Rangoon." She replied, searching through the accumulated bags for where she had dropped her messenger bag. Locating it she dug her wallet out and set it on the counter. That done she rounded up the discarded pizza boxes and stacked them neatly on the counter for her to take down to the dumpster after dinner.

Deadpool hung up with the restaurant and watched her for a few seconds. "Earlier today you said something about having a discussion?"

"I did, didn't I. I wanted to ask you about, oh a million questions or so. For instance, do you want me to really work on your finances for you? I mean Stark may have me back in my dimension in the next week or I might be here for the rest of eternity. But I need to keep busy so if you're ok with it I'd like to do it just so I have something to do. Of course you might not need me to do it, in which case just tell me. I'm sure I can keep myself entertained if I have too."

"I do like a woman who knows how to pleasure herself," he jibed. "So fun to watch, and less work for me as well."

"And here I thought you enjoyed your work, although I guess if you like to watch I'm sure I can accommodate but of course there will be conditions," she teased back.

"And what exactly are those conditions," she had his attention now.

{Please let it be she wants us tied up.}

(Oh we'd be happy to play that game as well.)

"Which brings us to one of the other things I wanted to ask. Which is how exactly we're going to work. I am definitely attracted to you, not even going to lie about that. But the last relationship I had was my marriage. And I'm just not sure I can do," she gestured vaguely, "that without overthinking it."

"If you can think while doing it than you're doing it wrong," he interrupted.

She made a face at him, "What I mean is, I think I need time to adjust to the idea of sleeping with someone again."

(Well by sleeping we really mean can't walk the next morning sex.)

"And I would like it if," she continued "you could relax enough to wear what you normally wear to bed vs that suit of yours. I mean last night was the best I slept in a while."

(Oh God it was.)

"I would like to repeat that but not if you are going to be stuck in that thing" she finished in a rush.

He shifted so that he sat sideways in the chair and stretched. "Hey sweet cheeks if you wanted me out of my clothes all you had to do was ask," but his smirk didn't quite sit right.

"Darlin' did you know that red hair is not that same thing as blonde, and that I'm smart enough to know why you don't like mirrors."

[She has your number.]

{Any chance we can just fuck her till she stops thinking about this?}

"Hey idiots, she can read you," he growled.

"Yes, yes I can." She laughed. "But don't worry I'll try not to let on that you're mostly a nice guy pretending to be a crazy asshole."

"Hey I am not pretending to be an asshole! I'm a ruthless mercenary," he ranted.

She giggled, "And what exactly does one ruthless mercenary have a bowl of cat chow on his fire escape for? Training an evil kitten army to do your bidding?"

Deadpool flipped her the bird and then jacked himself out of his chair to rummage around for a movie worth watching. He had the feeling that they both were in need of a good laugh.

Sam started to put away her purchases starting with the ones that made it into the guest bathroom. That included her rescued toiletries, a heavy robe and an army of hair clips and bands. She then crossed the hall and opened the guest bedroom. Flipping on the light she sighed. The room was a MESS. There appeared to be a full bed shoved up against a wall but it was hard to tell because there were ammo boxes, the large military kind, piled on top of it. There looked like at least one of his suits was also on top but it was hard to tell because mixed in with the bright red material was several long guns. Around the bed was a jumble of other items she didn't quite understand. There were boxes of comics, some camping equipment, and a few things she didn't recognize. On the walls were various maps and bits of paper stuck in by pushpins.

Backing out of the room and setting her bags back down in the hallway she made her way back to the living room. Just in time too because there was a knock on the door. Wade made a grab for his mask but she threw him a small smile and called "I'll be right there," towards the door. Grabbing her wallet on the way past the counter she opened the door to collect their Chinese food. She kept the door angled to block the guys view of Wade and smiled and thanked him. Between that and the tip she left him the delivery guy hoped she had moved in and the asshole who had lived here before had moved out.

Closing the door behind her she dropped the cartons off and started to rummage through. Judging by the smell emanating from some of them Wade liked spicy food. Made sense considering his love of Mexican food. She wondered if there was scarring on his tongue and if that made it hard for him to taste milder food.

Grabbing up a carton of fried rice for herself and something that looked like General Tso on steroids she took them and some chopsticks and forks over to where Wade was sitting on the floor debating between three DVD cases.

He absently accepted the carton, and popped the lid. "Do you want _Down Periscope_ , _Spaceballs_ , or _The Young Frankenstein_?"

"What's _Down Periscope_?" Setting her carton down next to him she returned to the counter to grab them drinks. She noticed an orange coke in the bag with the food but didn't see another drink so she grabbed a beer out of the fridge for him.

"Kelsey Grammer, it's a spoof on submarine duty in the Navy. Actually pretty hilarious if you have the sense of humor for it. Did you like the other two?"

"Who doesn't love Mel Brooks movies?"

(Seriously it should be a crime punishable by death.)

She settled down next to him and opened her soda. "How did you know I like orange coke?"

"It's Fanta, not a Coke and I had no idea, that's just what they had."

"Sweety every soda in Georgia is a coke, it's just a flavored coke. Drove my husband insane because he was from Kentucky like me and we grew up callin' them pop. But I thought the coke thing was cute, and 'when in Rome'. Anyway, if it's all the same to you I'd like to watch the movie I haven't seen before, so _Down Periscope_ it is."

They didn't talk much as they ate dinner and watched the movie, Deadpool occasionally recited lines and sang along with all the music. He evidently found it hilarious despite having seen it numerous times before. Sam got just as much of a kick out of watching him as she did watching the movie. She enjoyed it so much that she forgot to bring up the mess that was the spare bedroom. Deadpool she noticed managed chopsticks like he had years of practice, which was highly possible. Sam on the other hand stuck with her fork. Because while she knew exactly which fork went where in a place setting she had no idea how to manage chopsticks.

Deadpool got up halfway through the movie to retrieve another beer and his other carton of food. She wasn't even half way through hers so he didn't bother to bring back her cashew chicken. Glancing down the hall he noticed the bags outside the second bedroom. He debated reminding her that if she planned on sleeping in there she'd have to clean off the bed.

{Or worse she'll make us clean it.}

[Yeah, screw that if we wanted that room clean we'd have done it before now.]

{Did we want that room clean? I can't remember….}

Shrugging his shoulder to indicate he couldn't remember either he settled down in the recliner. Perhaps he should think about getting a second chair, but Stark would probably find a way to send her home soon and then he'd have a chair he didn't need. Much better to leave it the way it was.

When the movie finished they both agreed that another one would be fun and he put in _The Young Frankenstein_. They both quoted lines from this one, her taking the ladies and him the male parts.

When the movie finally ended she stood and stretched gathering up the trash and tossing it into the garbage can in the kitchen. She debated taking it and the old pizza boxes down to the dumpster but she was tired and she could worry about it in the morning. But that thought jogged her memory and she remembered the spare room.

"Oh shoot! I forgot all about the spare bedroom being filled with all your stuff!"

"I have a king size bed" He pointed out.

[And it was a bitch to get up here.]

{Totally worth it though, especially if we ever convince the twins in 3F to come check it out.}

Ignoring the text boxes, well trying to, she answered Deadpool "That's great Darlin', but where are you planning to sleep if I'm in it?"

(We suggest trying the twins...)

Well so much for ignoring the idiots. Deadpool cocked his head and studied her. He grinned and then offered a truce. "How about we both sleep in the big bed, you on your side and me on the other. And tomorrow you can set up the guest bedroom. Should keep you busy most of the day."

"Do you think that I think you're going to stay on your side? If I remember correctly I woke up surrounded by the scents of mint and gunpowder." She blushed. Why would she remember what he smelled like?

(Because he smells awesome.)

Well that and she had used his body wash this morning which meant she smelled like mint all day.

"And that would be your doing Dixie Chick, when I dropped you on the bed it was on your side, but you were snuggled up next to me in less than 45 minutes. Someone is a cuddler. And it's not me."

"I did not, am not!" she huffed.

(Yeah because Johnathan never complained about that….)

"Wait your husband complained about this?" He gave her an incredulous look.

"Yeah well it's hot in Atlanta," she muttered.

He shrugged, "Well it's midnight, make up your mind."

She sighed and headed back towards the bedroom. Grabbing an unmistakable pink bag she passed through the master bedroom into the bathroom. There she changed into a pair of pajamas she has purchased earlier. And then remembered she had placed her toothbrush in the guest bathroom. Argh, she'd just steal his like she had earlier. A much lesser crime than poor dental hygiene. Deciding that the bun wasn't going to be comfortable to sleep in she let her hair down and dragged her fingers through it. Screw it she'd sleep with it down tonight and worry about the tangles tomorrow. Without a bathroom mirror she couldn't see what it looked like but Samantha knew from experience it would be everywhere now that it had escaped the confines of all those pins.

Deadpool trailing along behind her on way to the bedroom, wondered what was in the bag.

{Please let it be red!}

[Ooooh, with straps and buckles.]

"That would be nice but I kind of think it's not going to happen" he muttered under his breath. He watched as she escaped into the bathroom. Stripping off his suit he threw it in the pile. He was naked underneath but if she walked out now and caught an eyeful it would serve her right for being difficult. Opening up the dresser she had rummaged through earlier he grabbed a pair of boxers and a worn T-shirt. He didn't mind sleeping in his suit in the field but he didn't want to do it two nights in a row in his own apartment.

The T-shirt and boxers left his arms and legs exposed but it would be dark in the room and the sheets would cover him anyway.

[She said she knew what we looked like.]

"Yeah but there is knowing and there is seeing." Flipping off the overhead light he circled the bed and climbed onto his side of the enormous mattress. He debated turning on the bedside lamp for her but that would expose him to her gaze as well.

Samantha opened the bathroom door to darkness. Sighing she picked her way around the bed, managing to stub her toe, but resisted cursing him and herself for that one. Crawling into bed on the opposite side of Deadpool, whom she could vaguely make out as a lump on his side. "Goodnight" she told the lump, but he offered no answering comment so he was either already asleep or ignoring her. Too tired to care which it was she settled down into the comfortable mattress and drifted off.

Deadpool for his part wasn't sleeping but was wrapped up in his own thoughts. He had caught sight of a riot of coppery curls, pale skin, and grey and pink pajamas before she had turned the bathroom light out. He was too busy willing pieces of himself to deflate and acknowledging her presence in his bed would not help that at all. Samantha would be asleep long before him again this night.


	9. Chapter 9 Poison Apples

**(Pink Box)**

 **[White Box]**

 **{Yellow Box}**

(Samantha's Dream)

Samantha had just gotten off the plane at Atlanta International and was making her way through the airport to the luggage carousel. Her messenger bag on her shoulder held her sneakers and her outfit for the race because she didn't want them to be lost if her luggage was. She stopped for a coffee before exiting the Charlie terminal for the tram that would take her to the central hub where the carousel was located.

Then she was picking up her luggage and opening it up to stuff her sneakers and running gear into it to relieve the weight on her shoulder. Not heavy so much as really annoying. That done she followed the signs to the MARTA station. She'd use the MARTA system to get to her hotel for the weekend.

The Best Western was hosting the Peachtree, along with other hotels, this year and it was just a short walk from one of the downtown MARTA stations. Slipping into the air-conditioned lobby she joined the line at the registration desk. Noting that quite a few other people looked like they were here for the race. Finally, when she reached one of the clerks it turned out to be a man that looked exactly like Stan Lee.

Suddenly her dream rippled out and she was now at the lake near the house she had grown up in. She was a teenager and laughing with her girlfriends on the dock. Teasing each other about tan lines and which boy they had a crush on, right then.

When Sam woke up later on in the morning she would just remember having a pleasant dream….

(MCU)

Deadpool woke up with hair in his mouth, which was rather strange since he didn't have any hair. Then he remembered that Sam had once again made her way across the bed in her sleep the night before. Sure enough when he opened an eye he saw her halo of curls directly in front of him. God did that woman have A LOT of hair. He lifted his hand to wipe it out of his mouth and away from the skin of his face, it tickled around his nose and across his cheek. His other arm was trapped beneath her head and neck. If he moved much more than he already had he was going to wake her for sure.

Not that he wanted to move right now, she was snuggled up against him shoulders to chest, butt to nut. Something that part of him had already noticed long before the hair woke him up. What could he say, his dick had an eye for details. He lifted his head to take in the rest of her. They were both still wrapped in the silver grey sheets but the sheets were only about chest high. Her hair partially covered her face and shoulders but he could see the tank style top of her pajamas and some rather delectable looking pale skin. The paleness was splashed with freckles the same as on her face.

Her hair also obscured part of his side and arm which had gone back to being wrapped possessively around her stomach over the sheet. Wade couldn't help but draw the obvious contrasts. Where her skin was pale and perfect his was mottled in scars, some smooth and white and some rough and angry looking. He sighed deciding to enjoy her curves while he could. The moment she woke up she'd be back across the bed. The thought came to him right then that he was probably in hell and Sam was actually designed to torment him.

{Well if anyone was going to end up in Hell it'd be you.}

[Nah, he's not that bad, I mean for the most part we only shoot really bad people.]

{That's because bad people are more fun to shoot. Maybe it's the egos, or the cheesy lines.}

[Probably the lines.]

Satan must have thought he needed more torment because Sam made a fuzzy noise in her sleep and shifted her hips. That was apparently in preparation for rolling over from her side facing away from him to roll onto her side facing towards him and half on top of him. Unlike the night before she hadn't fallen asleep in her bra and the sensation of her barely contained boobs smooshed into his chest wall was enough to make him groan low in his throat. If he was lucky the noise wouldn't wake her up.

{You have shit luck.}

(Yes you do.)

{See.}

"Why are we groaning this morning?" she asked lazily rubbing her cheek up against his chest.

{Because we've decided you're a demon, sent from hell to torture us.}

[Actually I think the readers are split between her being sent to save you and her being sent to kill you.]

"Ignore them," he bit out.

"Uh huh, so I'm here either to torture you or to entertain the readers or to do both accomplishing one with the other?" Amazingly despite the early hour she didn't seem to have any problems following his twisted logic, or maybe it was because she was from the other side of the wall. She shifted her leg, inadvertently or maybe advertently, rubbing against his groin.

He groaned again and murmured into her hair "It's either the first or the last."

She giggled, she was apparently a morning person, and disentangled herself enough to sit up. She actually had to pull some of her hair out from underneath his shoulder. Giving it a rueful tug to set it free she addressed Wade "And that right there is why I always have this monster wrapped up in braids. Much less dangerous that way." She regarded him a moment and Wade's heart froze in his chest when he remembered again he wasn't wearing his mask or sleeves long enough to cover his lower arms. She didn't say anything at first but instead trailed a finger along one particularly rough scar on his arm. "Can you feel that?"

"Your finger or the scar?"

"Both, either? Does it hurt?" she figured the latter was a stupid question but she had to ask.

"I can feel both, and it doesn't exactly hurt. More of a tight feeling when I move in a way that pulls on it. The scars will shift as the cancer shifts. Sometimes I can tell it's shifted inside because my voice will change and then go back. Sometimes it's in my eyes and my vision will blur for a few seconds, or my hearing will cut out. Doesn't last very long, only a minute at most and it'll move again. See my healing factor and my cancer are pretty much always at war. Doesn't make for a pretty sight, now does it princess?" He was looking directly at her as he said this.

She continued to hold his gaze but cocked her head to the side as if debating an answer. When it came it surprised him. "You know in the movies sometimes the prettiest choices turn out to be the real monsters. After all Gaston was a real asshole, and it was a perfect apple that poisoned Snow White."

Before he could reply she slid out of bed and wandered towards the bedroom door. "I'm going to change and go for a run. I like to run when the air is cooler in the summer, that way I don't end up a puddle on a sidewalk somewhere. After I get back and catch a shower shall we go out to breakfast?"

"You're not supposed to be wandering the streets by yourself." He reminded her, and if his voice was a bit gruff they both ignored it.

"Well you can either come with me, which I will not object to. Or you can magically reveal a treadmill hidden away in this apartment, but either way I am going for a run. I haven't run since Wednesday, and today is Sunday. Plus, today was supposed to be my race so I owe the universe at least six miles." She paused for a moment and then continued. "Oh and happy 4th of July, even if you are Canadian."

"You know people who run for no reason are mentally ill right?" He grumbled.

"Thank you Mr. Pot, now get your ass up and change or I'll go without you." And she slipped out the door heading towards her sporting goods bags.

He heaved himself out of bed and wandered into the bathroom. Five minutes later he was waiting in the living room in a pair of athletic pants a long sleeved tech top and sneakers. A baseball cap pulled down low completed the outfit. When Sam joined him she was wearing grey running capris, and a light green running top over a darker green sports bra. Her shirt was sleeveless and her hair was back in a braid wrapped around her head. Which was probably why it had taken her longer to get ready, he mused. She carried her sneakers in one hand and plopped down next to him to put them on.

"You are going to roast." she pointed out.

"It won't kill me." He deadpanned, trying to catch a look down her tank top. Damn sports bras and their coverage.

{Burn all the bras!}

[Free the boobies!]

(Hey these things are expensive!)

"Touch my bras and I will give all your guns to Captain America for proper disposal," she threatened.

"My babies! Anything but the babies…."

"Well then, behave and I won't be forced to take drastic measures." Standing up she gave him a mock threatening look. "So do we want to do out and back or a loop? Because I have never run in New York City so I'm not sure if you just want to start out the door or if you have a place you'd like to run at?

"Whichever makes this go by the fastest. So out and back works. If you want a fun run, you'll have to ask Captain Spangles where he goes. Because the only running I do is when Logan gets pre-menstrual."

"Out and back it is than, an easy six miles."

(Just a good stretch of the legs.)

They stomped down the stairs while they 'argued' the merits vs insanity of running for fun. It was still rather early so when they hit the street the sun was barely up. Wade was content to let her set the pace at first but about a mile into it he started speeding up. He wasn't sure if it was in a desire to get this done and over with faster or to see just how far he could push her before she gave in.

Sam for her part was enjoying the run, the streets were quieter than usual although there were people out. Other runners, people with dogs, and one elderly guy sitting on the steps of his building with a pipe, smoking and reading the paper. Maybe he wasn't allowed in the building to smoke, or maybe he just liked to read his paper outside. He waved at them as they passed and Sam waved back.

Sam was feeling good despite Wade's trying to kill her with speed. She was sure she was doing a sub 6-minute but she wasn't feeling too badly although she wasn't breathing as easy as she would have liked. Not exactly out of breath but she'd given up talking. She'd have to look at her phone when they got back to see what it registered her pace at. Before they had headed out she had just set her running app to alert when they hit 3 miles so that she could know when to turn around.

When her phone chimed she swung back around and headed back the way they had come. Normally she would have tried for a negative split but she didn't want to give Deadpool any ideas about going faster. For his part he was still talking. Although he had stopped ranting about how running was no fun and should only be used to avoid Logan or things that went ka-boom. Now he was telling her in great detail about the time he had gone to Columbia where he had a breakfast so good he almost thought about staying. That was until he had to 'un-alive' the guy who turned out to be the son of the lady who had cooked him the breakfast. For which she had tried to get revenge by using ghost peppers in his dinner. And when that hadn't worked had chased him with a knife and a dead chicken. Apparently she was a fond memory.

"So was she trying to use voodoo on you or did she just grab whatever was closest at hand when you decided her 'lovingly' prepared dinner was the best thing you have ever eaten?" She puffed when they slowed for the last mile. "And please don't ever feed me anything like that, that pepper jack was bad enough."

Wade laughed. "You should have seen your face when I mentioned the ground up baby penguins. And I'm not sure because at the time she was cursing me in a language that I had never heard before, it wasn't Spanish that's for sure."

Just then the apartment building came into sight and Sam's competitive nature took over. She yelled "race ya'" and sprinted for the stoop. Of course she lost, and the bastard didn't even have the gall to make it look like it was hard. So instead she sat wheezing on the steps while he stood there and laughed at her. "Oh … my… god…" she puffed, "couldn't you have pretended to lose?" she asked a few seconds later when her breath caught up with her. Apparently her healing factor was slower than his because he didn't look bothered at all. Although judging by the way his shirt was stuck to him it had cost him some effort. Or he was roasting like she had warned him. Even in New York it was above 80 the morning of the 4th of July.

"I thought you wanted to race, not win." He grinned wolfishly at her. "Besides you're fine."

"Whatever, now hang on a sec while I check my phone to see what horrible speed I just lost at."

"I told you Dixie Chick if you wanted a fun run you should have gone running with Captain America. He might even let you win since you're a lady."

She made a face at him and then sucked in a breath when she saw the pace display. Their first mile had been a six-minute mile but miles two through five had been right around a 5:20. The sprint had flashed as low as a 4:30. No wonder her lungs had been trying to catch up with her. Not the Flash or Quicksilver but a whole hell of a lot faster than a normal human.

"Well that is definitely the fastest I have ever run, too bad I just disqualified from the Olympics. Probably for the best though, I mean the Olympics isn't exactly a low profile gig. So showers, note the plural, and then breakfast?" She got back to her feet and started to make her way inside.

"Tell me again why there has to be a plural?" He whined

"Because I'm not that type of girl, because we have yet to go on a date, because I will not emerge from a shower with you any cleaner than I am now?" She checked off the reasons on her fingers. "Shall I go on or do you want to eat breakfast sometime soon?"

He followed her up the stairs, mostly so he could watch her ass as she climbed in front of him. Hey if he wasn't going to get a communal shower he could at least watch the show.

{Why is it that sane chicks are so complicated}

[Perhaps because their brains are working?]

"We could always do a date." He answered them forgetting for a moment that she could hear him as well. Sam froze and he almost ran into her from behind.

"You want to take me on a date?" She seemed pleased, if a little confused.

He was about to give an honest answer, which might have been something to the effect of _if it'll get me into your pants than sure_ , but the look on her face stopped him. So instead he went with "It could be fun."

The corner of her mouth quirked up "It definitely could be that", she agreed. She seemed to wait for a moment but when he didn't offer anything else she turned and continued climbing.

{You are so whipped!}

[We are so screwed, what do we know about taking a nice girl on a date?]

{She is nice to us, isn't she? Sort of like Vanessa used to be before she decided she couldn't deal with our shit anymore.}

[Wait didn't we take Vanessa somewhere fun once or twice?]

Samantha didn't look back as she climbed the stairs after agreeing that a date could be fun. She was pretty sure his boxes were talking and she didn't want to know what they were up to. Instead she climbed the remaining flight and let herself into his apartment. Apparently he didn't bother to lock it when he was gone. Which reminded her of something she had meant to ask the other day but had gotten distracted.

"Do the Avengers know where you live?" She asked him as he came in the door behind her.

"Well it's not really a secret where I am, and I'm sure that the Widow knows. Spider-Man does too, but he only ever comes over to yell at me if I do something local. He's big on responsibility speeches."

"So it wouldn't hurt anything if next time Happy drops me off here or if I ask one of them for a neighborhood recommendation for a cleaner or grocery store that delivers?"

"Well I'm not exactly a social creature but I don't care if stuff gets delivered here. Just so long as no one touches my stuff." He warned, he really, really, didn't like it when people took his stuff.

"Does that mean you'll be helping me move your stuff around in the second bedroom later?" she jumped in.

He sighed but nodded his head. It was probably for the best, she didn't strike him as someone who had any clue about guns. And there was a lot of them in that room, plus material for his costumes, and maybe even a few other things in there she didn't really need to mess with.

"Thanks Wade," and she stood on tiptoe to kiss him on the cheek. Without another word she wandered into the guest bathroom.

Deadpool stood there until he heard the water come on and then he walked down the hall to his own bathroom. He too grabbed a shower and if it was a bit longer than usual he reasoned it was because it was the only way he was going to get through the day without grabbing her and playing rough.

By the time he made it back out to the living room she was sprawled in the chair fiddling with her tablet. She looked up when he came in the room and smiled. Then noticing what he was wearing she laughed out loud.

"Proud to be Canadian" she read aloud, eyeing his long sleeve T-shirt. It was mostly white but had a giant red maple leaf on the front along with the saying. "I suppose it isn't your holiday today is it."

He shrugged and came over to see what she was doing. All he saw on the tablet was an electronic grocery list and she was checking off items and specifying brands. Down at the bottom a total was growing.

"What are you up to now?" He leaned against the back of the chair trying to get a better look at the screen.

"I'm ordering groceries, so we don't have to go out for lunch and dinner." She replied absently, checking off more items. "They have a surcharge because it's Sunday, and a holiday surcharge, which I guess is fair. Still better than wandering around the store today in the last minute BBQ crowds trying to get it myself. Anyway is there anything in particular you want for dinner? Oh and do you have a grill?"

"And you're buying me groceries because?"

Noticing his tone, she glanced up "I'm buying US groceries because it is cheaper than constantly ordering in or going out. And because I feel bad that I have basically commandeered your apartment, which forces you to have to clean out your spare bedroom. BUT if it makes you feel better I'll make you buy breakfast. We just have to be back by 11 when they'll deliver."

He studied her a moment, he wasn't sure why but he thought there might be more to the story than what she was saying. "Fine, but I AM buying breakfast. And I know just the place, assuming that they opened back up."

He ended up leading her back up to Taco Y, which apparently did breakfast burritos. They were open although they seemed to remember Sam and Wade. But seeing as he had no visible guns and she hadn't been murdered in front of their stand like they had thought would happen they did make them the burritos that Wade ordered. So they sat outside the stand at one of the available tables and dug into their delicious albeit messy breakfasts.

"Oh my stars these are good!" She enthused as she licked some salsa off her fingers. "No wonder I managed to find you at this place." She sighed with contentment and studied her last burrito still in the foil wrapper. Deciding she was too full to do it justice she pushed it across the table at Wade.

Pulling out her phone she took advantage of the relative quiet of his chewing to send a quick message to Captain America.

 _Happy Birthday! Hope it's a relatively quiet and enjoyable affair. Have fun at the Gala tonight with Anthony and the others. Also are you game for a run later on this week?_

Niceties dispensed with she was free to spend the day deeply involved in straightening out the pig pen that was Deadpool's spare bedroom and make a nice quiet dinner. He hadn't said anything more about the date but she figured tonight wasn't going to be the night. And it would be really nice to cook for someone besides herself again. She could fry up a chicken and make tater' salad. She'd ordered in everything for those plus some sweet corn and all the ingredients needed for strawberry pie.

Tomorrow she would tackle getting Wade's dirtied suits cleaned. She figured they were dry clean only and that was why they were piling up in the corner. Johnathan had hated dropping off dry-cleaning as well so it always seemed to fall to her. Although, to be fair he had a lot less dry-cleaning than she did when she was working for the I.R.S. Just then her phone chimed breaking into her thoughts.

 _Thanks for the birthday wishes, so far it's been nice. The Gala is for a good cause so I'm happy to do it, besides Tony assures me the fireworks will be spectacular. I'm free for a run anytime you want. Is Deadpool treating you well?_

She smiled and waved her phone in the Merc's direction, "Captain wants to know if you are treating me well."

Without even thinking about it he snatched up her phone and fired off a message.

 _She's fine, she did manage to escape her chains long enough to text you earlier but otherwise she's been a great sex slave. X & O's DP_

He handed her back her phone with a smile and waited to see what would happen next.

"Wade! You wretch, you're goin' to give that poor man heart palpitations, and on his birthday!" She screeched blushing to her roots.

"I'm sure some pretty nurse will be happy to get him back up to full strength," he teased. "Actually that might be the best birthday present he gets."

"You say that till he shows up at your door to make sure I'm alright," she reasoned.

Her phone chimed again. This time it was another number.

 _DP, is it a Princess Leia golden slave costume or more along an Arabian Nights theme? TS_

She hastily replied.

 _You're just as bad as DP, tell Cap I'm fine. SW_

Wade cracked up when he saw what Stark had written. "I'm starting to appreciate Stark's humor," he wheezed.

"Well fine then, when Halloween comes around if I'm still here I'll dress up as slave Leia and go on his arm to whatever gala he throws then. Pepper will probably thank me for falling on that particular sword".

Wade's eyes narrowed instantly and he growled, "There will be no falling on that sword."

Sam snorted "Whoa there honey, I'm not going anywhere with Stark. I'd need both a shot of penicillin and a tetanus shot. Besides Pepper would NOT thank me."

(Nor would our self-respect.)

"Now shall we head home so you can growl about cleaning versus growling about a costume that I would never ever wear… in public"

"So would you wear it in private?" Wades' mood swung back around in an instant.

"Well if I'm still here at Halloween time you can come find me and ask. Meantime I have to be back in time to accept groceries."


	10. Chapter 10 Last Drink

(MCU)

Sam reasoned that you could learn a lot about someone by cleaning out their spare bedroom. For instance, she had learned that Deadpool had 12 military style boxes of ammo. All in various calibers. Most was 9mm but some were .50 and some were .38s. And one container was entirely assorted, it even contained some shotgun shells and a kazoo. She figured she'd leave the kazoo where it was but she did label the box 'Assorted caliber ammo/Kazoo' before sliding it under the full sized bed. For now, she left the guns where they were and just worked on the other items as she worked to create a path to the door and a clear bed.

Another interesting thing was that Deadpool had sewing supplies, and what she had thought were more of his suits were actually either partially completed suits or suits that were in the middle of being patched. Apparently getting shot and stabbed was hell on your wardrobe. Buried in the mix was various pieces of leather both black and red and spandex in both colors as well. Those she sorted out and placed neatly in different drawers of the dresser. In the top drawer she put the hand sewing kit, spare zippers, and other small items. The sewing machine, which was in its case, she just put on top of the dresser.

She would have asked him where he wanted these things but shortly after they got back to the apartment he had gotten a call on what she assumed was his work cell. She was assuming that because it was a different model from the one he had used last night to order in dinner. When it had rung his entire attitude had changed. He went from laid back and singing a Cash song to deadly serious in a matter of seconds. She hadn't really gotten anything from his end of the call because he had walked into the master bedroom to take it and then walked back out dressed to go to work. He had paused long enough on the way out the door to grab his katanas and then disappeared.

Sam had figured the less she knew the less she'd have to say if she ever got called into court. Or got grilled by Captain America… So she had just decided to clean to pass the time. She had started in the master bedroom, by sorting out the pile of laundry in the corner. Clothes that could be washed in a normal machine she separated out by color or whites. His suits she assumed were dry clean only and they got their own pile. She had also found the laundry basket, complete with clean towels in the master closet. The towels she put in the linen closet in the bathroom, and the basket she threw the laundry into.

Wade had mentioned on the walk back to the apartment that the machines were down in the basement and she was hoping that no one else would be doing laundry on the 4th of July so she could do the two loads at once. She was in luck as the basement was empty and she managed to snag two out of the three machines available. Laundry started Sam headed back upstairs to await the grocery delivery and to see if she could figure out where he dropped off his dry cleaning. True they were probably closed on a Sunday and a holiday but it never hurt to try.

Once the bed had been made she was satisfied that she could work on the other bedroom. Maybe she'd find a dry cleaning receipt on the mess on his desk. If all else failed, she could ask Pepper for a suggestion tomorrow. Or ask Deadpool when he got back.

There was a knock on the door at around 11 which turned out to be the delivery guy with their groceries. She got the items that needed refrigeration tucked away and then went back down to the basement to switch the laundry into the dryers. That done she climbed the four stories back up to finish putting away the groceries and make lunch. Which apparently was going to just be for her today.

Deadpool for his part was creeping through the rafters of an old warehouse down near the docks on the East River. Weasel had called him with the job which admittedly wasn't going to pay him much but it was a job he would have done for free. Apparently some asshole thought it was fun to cut up his girlfriend over a domestic dispute. And while Deadpool was a straight up asshole he thought anyone who hurt a lady over ordering the wrong pizza toppings deserved all sorts of 'justice'. So here he was hanging out waiting for the schmuck to come to work when in theory he could he checking out Sam's ass while she bent over to pick stuff up off the floor.

[So this wouldn't have anything to do with you picturing someone hurting Sam]

"Nope not at all. Besides she has a healing factor she'd be fine." He wasn't going down that particular road even if it was just with his other selves.

{Sure keep telling yourself that, but if she gave you a finger crook you'd take a flying leap off Stark's tower.}

"Actually we've done that for stupider reasons."

{Fucking Parker was supposed to catch us!}

[Helps if he knows that.]

"Where is this asshole, I'd really like to get this done with" Deadpool grumbled.

{Gee I hope nothing happened to him…}

Sam was making quite a dent. The bed was finally clear and she was now working her way through the items on the floor. One such item was a tent, which was a single man tent that he probably used out in the field. She looked around for a place to neatly stow it but there wasn't a good place except maybe the closet. Tucking a stray strand of her hair behind her ear she opened the closet door to see if she could locate a likely spot.

"Figures there would be a spot right at the top. I swear they design closets for abnormally tall people." She grumbled to herself. Grabbing the tent, she climbed up on the lowest shelf and just managed to shove the tent into the open place. Of course her foot got tangled when she went to step back down and she fell on her ass. "No wonder it was on the floor" she whined, rubbing her derriere.

Something lacy at her feet caught her attention. It must be what she had gotten tangled up in and tripped over. Picking it up it took her a moment to recognize what it was. It was a very lacy French maid costume; it was also a very large costume. Just the perfect size for a certain mercenary she knew.

Now Samantha had been raised in a very conservative household where sex was just not something one discussed. And her marriage had been rather vanilla but she did like to read 'trashy' romance novels and she had a vivid imagination. But what she was thinking right now was making her blush and causing her stomach to clench. She was definitely going to have to bring it up with Wade when he got back. Stuffing the garment back in where it had tumbled out of she shook her head to clear her mind and got back to work.

Deadpool was sitting across from Weasel in the bar wondering why the hell he was still here instead of headed home.

{Well for one you're covered in blood and we're betting Sam will not be happy}

[Maybe we could play the sympathy card]

"She's knows we're not hurt, even if we were hurt earlier" He grumbled, "Otherwise that's not a bad plan"

"Who knows you aren't hurt and what does that have to do with anything. Hell man you just earned $500 doing a job that needed doing. Normally by this time you'd be trying to eliminate someone on the pool or buying rounds." Weasel pointed out.

"I don't want to talk about it man. I need to get home and get out of this suit."

"What the fuck is that shit? Get home? This is your home man; I mean unless you have a piece of tail waiting for you somewhere."

Deadpool laughed "You go ahead and call her a piece of tail, when she gets done kicking your ass I'll buy you your last drink." And with that he picked himself up and headed out the door.

Weasel called after him, "What do you mean my last drink?" but Deadpool was already gone.

Wade hesitated by the door wondering what Sam was up to. Probably organizing the shit out of his apartment. Or hanging out at the tower with the Avengers. Ah shit, she wasn't supposed to be alone was she. He'd forgotten that little detail when he'd left earlier. Shit, he was batting a thousand today….

"Are you going to stand there and stare at the door all day or do you have a super power I'm unaware of. Like say being able to see through doors" Sam had just come up from putting the sheets for the spare bed in the wash. He turned around to see her standing on the landing with his laundry basket on her hip.

Samantha looked him over from head to toe and frowned. "Someone had a rough day at the office." She guessed noticing the two bullet holes in his suit. "Whoever it was wasn't a bad shot, two rounds right in the center of your chest. I assume they didn't come out looking as good?"

He shook his head wondering if this was the calm before the storm. He had a lot of experience with people yelling at him. His father had been really big about yelling, and he'd had a few ex's that could bust ear drums. Of course at this point yelling was about the worst someone could do to him.

"I don't suppose you had lunch? I mean it's almost 3 but we now have groceries so I could snag you something quick. The apartment is pretty much done. I just took the sheets on the bed down to be washed. I noticed these were cotton and not satin. A shame because I really like the other ones." Sam walked past Deadpool and through the door. He followed right behind her, closing the door.

"You're not mad?" He sounded confused.

"My husband was a deputy, he used to head out on weekends as well. Always had either a radio or a cell on him for recall. I assumed it was important or you wouldn't have left like you did. Although next time I would appreciate an ETA on when you're coming back so I know what to expect." She set the laundry basket down and gave him a more careful look over. "I think that suit has seen better days, why don't you go hop in the shower and I'll make you a sandwich and some chips. Should hold you till dinner."

Deadpool would not admit it was nice to see his spare room looking organized again. Although he didn't really appreciate the fact that Sam could now sleep in the spare bedroom. The tent was stowed away in the top of the closet where it belonged, and the ammo cans were tucked underneath the bed on their sides. His desk was still a mess but he had a feeling that was Sam's next goal. Right now she was in the laundry room in the basement of the building grabbing the sheets for the bed out of the dryer. His guns he had moved to various locations throughout the house with one even tucked in behind the fridge but most were in the master closet. Too be fair the room hadn't been really that dirty just a depository for things he didn't feel like putting away.

The one thing still out of place was the pile of shopping bags that Sam had brought home yesterday. But the dresser was mostly empty and the closet had plenty of hangers so he figured she'd get to it next. Besides running a few loads of laundry she had also accepted and unpacked the groceries. It was surreal having more than just beer and milk in his fridge. There was honest to god fruit on the counter and baking supplies in his cabinets

Sam for her part was really pleased with the room except she didn't want to sleep in it. She'd love to get the desk cleaned up so she could work in there but she realized as she folded the sheets that went on the bed that she had no interest in that bed whatsoever. Although she reasoned it wasn't really fair to use an adult man as a teddy bear every night and not do other things in the bed as well. It was just so nice not being alone in bed anymore that she was loathe to go back to it after even just two nights of sleeping with another person. She missed the warmth, the noise of breathing not her own, and the secure feeling of waking up and not being alone. If she was really being honest she'd say she missed the hell out of sex too.

Her and Johnathan had had a good marriage, not a spectacular one, but a good one. He may not have been the most attentive husband but he had been a good man and the sex was never bad. Although in the last year or so it hadn't been that frequent either. They were both just so busy with their separate careers and the kids. They had married because they were exceedingly compatible and they knew that together they would have the perfect marriage to meet their career goals. He had been planning to run for Sheriff in the next election and then after a few years as Sheriff moving up the ladder towards other positions. Samantha had been the perfect wife for that, a lady from good family, with a career of her own, soft spoken and polite in public. Her family's wealth and connections would only aide him in this. For her part she got a husband that looked damn handsome in a suit or his uniform, loved their children, and supported her career. They had similar tastes in music, art, and ways to spend their time. They just hadn't had passion.

If she had told Johnathan she was fine, even if it was seven times in a row he would have expected her to be fine. He certainly wouldn't have called her on it. If she had cried, he would have told her to go off and have a spa day and destress and he'd take the kids to the zoo in Atlanta while she did. He was happy to do it in fact, but it wasn't the same as sitting and holding her and letting her sob her eyes out while he rubbed her back and told her it would be alright. Which wasn't a fair comparison, because she had never felt the need to do it in front of Johnathan.

Folded sheets tucked under her arm she headed back up the four flights to Wade's apartment. Which reminded her that she would never be ungrateful for a washer and dryer in her actual living space ever again. At least the stairs were good for her ass. Speaking of her ass she needed to get the lead out and get dinner started, potatoes did not peel and boil themselves.

She dropped the sheets off in the bedroom and glanced at her watch. It was nearly 5 pm, no time like the present to get started. She'd start the chicken at six but the potatoes needed to be done and in the fridge to chill long before then. And if she was putting off making the bed and putting her clothes away she couldn't be blamed for being busy.

Wade for his part was sitting cross legged in the living room cleaning the guns he had taken with him earlier. He had a cloth down on the floor to put the pieces on but a table was probably a better place for that. Which was just another reason to order one in, add another thing to her list of things that she wanted to get done.

She pulled the potatoes out, scrubbed them and then peeled them. Once they were chopped she threw them in the pot and rinsed them again. Then added fresh water and set it on the stove to boil. That done she retrieved a beer from the fridge for Wade, and crossed into the living room to set it down next to his knee. Being careful not to disturb him or the pieces he was working on. He grunted but didn't say anything, looking fully absorbed in his work. Crossing back into the kitchen she poured herself a glass of lemonade and started getting out the items she needed to mix in with the potatoes. Once the potatoes were fork done she could mix them in and then set the batch back in the fridge to chill. Speaking of things chilled she pulled out the pie crust she had premade at lunch and dropped the filling in. It was good thing she had ordered up a pie pan when she had put together the rest of the order because Wade hadn't had one. Which she admitted was inane because most men did not own pie pans. Heck she was sure both her daddy and her husband would have barely been able to pick one out let alone have one on their own.

Glancing at her watch again she pulled the potatoes off the heat and dumped them into a bowl to chill. Not complicated, just busy work. Absolutely perfect for putting off tasks she didn't want to complete.

(And not thinking about certain people we do.)

When she glanced into the living room again Wade was gone and so were the guns. She hadn't even noticed him walk past, it was sort of unnerving how quiet he could be for such a large man. Usually he was chattering or humming or even full on singing but when he was quiet he just seemed to disappear.

(Probably highly useful in his line of work.)

Dinner was ready and 'on the table' by half past six. Although it was actually set out picnic style on the living room floor. Wade who had remained missing after her first noticing him gone from the living room. But Sam found him in the master bedroom packing a duffel bag.

"Going somewhere again?" Sam asked confused. She hadn't heard the phone ring again so she was hoping this was just something preemptive.

"Not tonight just took the guns out to clean and check and then repacked everything. If I'm here for a few days, I tend to do it with all my stuff." He replied absently as he finished closing the zipper.

"Oh, so then you won't be missing supper?" She sounded relieved even to herself.

"You have no idea when the last time someone cooked for me is do you?"

{We do?}

[Was probably Al]

"Hmm, well don't expect me to put on the dog every night but I do like cooking for a holiday."

"Where are we putting a dog?" Deadpool wasn't sure if he'd ever had dog but he traveled a lot so it was possible.

"It's an expression darlin', means I went to some trouble to make dinner nice. Of course a table to eat at would he heavenly but picnic style is nice as well. And it is certainly more in keeping with the theme of the holiday."

{She does know we're from Canada right?}

[Yeah I think the shirt tipped her off.]

"I've also read the origin stories. But the 4th and the fireworks displays are always fun. Now come eat supper before it gets cold."

"You look full as a tick" Sam commented, watching Wade try and eat a third slice of pie. Not really surprising since he had eaten everything else. At least she wouldn't have to wrap up any leftovers. It was gratifying to have her cooking appreciated again.

"Is that a mildly disgusting way of saying I'm disgustingly full?" Wade asked abandoning the pie and flopping over onto his back.

"Sure is, but that's the thing about southern people we have a saying for everything." She remarked getting to her feet and rounding up the dishes to take to the kitchen.

Wade considered getting up to help but he decided that it would take too much effort. Far, far, too much effort. Maybe he'd just lay here and try and figure out where to take her on their date. He had a feeling that his suit wouldn't be appreciated on said date, which meant he had zero interest in crowds. Dinner and a movie were cliché, besides Mel Brooks hadn't put anything out in years.

He lay there and gave it some thought while Sam busied herself putting the kitchen to rights. Fortunately, she had been cleaning as she went so it didn't take long to finish the dishes and wrap the pie up to put in the fridge. When finished she grabbed a glass of water and headed out to see what Wade was up to.

"What are you thinking about?" She asked, taking a seat in the chair and peering down at him.

"What to do for our date." He answered readily.

"Flowers, chocolates, promises you don't intend to keep?" She quipped.

"Thanks Cogsworth, but that's not exactly helpful." He grumbled.

She laughed, "Sorry, but that was my favorite line from the movie. Not that I got the joke until I was older. Three of my college friends were divorced by 30 so not me specifically but close enough to home."

Deadpool snorted amused with her biting humor. "Still not helpful Dixie Chick."

"Well I'm sure you'll think of something fun. Now do you want to head on up to the roof with me when it gets dark and watch the fireworks. I know you're a sucker for explosions." She teased.

"Should have an ok view, since it's over the Hudson." He replied, "and I do like me some explosions.

A few other tenants had the same idea but they found a spot up against the wall of the stairway facing the river and settled down to wait. They sat together, side by side as dusk settled over the city and the stars came out to dot the sky. It was a beautiful clear night with not wind to speak of, perfect for the fireworks show.

"When I was younger, Daddy used to hire a guy to come out and do fireworks over the lake near our home. People would come for miles around to see it but we always had the best spot out on our dock. Daddy of course always had clients come up for it, but he made sure to spend the actual display with me. Benefits of being an only child I guess."

"So you really are a princess then?" He mused as he playfully poked her in the shoulder, "Did you have a pony too?"

Sam wrapped her arms around her knees then immediately stretched her legs out and crossed her ankles, "I did actually, and riding lessons. Although I'm only slightly better at that than I am at ballet. And yep I'm a trust fund princess, I even had a tiara thanks to Homecoming." She smiled remembering how excited she had been that night.

"So when you say trust fund do you mean your granddaddy had more money than average or do you mean your granddaddy had a shit ton of money?" He was using a horrible fake southern accent. Deadpool for his part really liked money but wasn't terribly impressed by people who had it. After all those were the sorts of people who hired people like him.

Samantha pursed her lips and thought about it. "Well it depends on the market because a lot of the money is invested of course. But my part of the trust is just over 500."

"Oh well 500k isn't too bad, that's what a couple years' worth of salary for you isn't it?" He glanced over at her noticing the look on her face. "Is that not a couple years' worth of salary for you?"

Samantha smiled and shook her head. "You're a smidge off on the amount but, it's nice to have and I try not to abuse it too much. Except for when I get a hankering for boots."

The sky was full dark now and they watched as the rockets began to explode. They couldn't see all of the display because of the building's shorter height but it was still impressive. Samantha was tucked in against his side just enjoying the closeness.

Deadpool liked the fireworks but by his way of thinking it was much better when he got to blow things up.

{Explosions are almost as good as boobies!}

[Well that depends on the boobies and if we get to touch them.]

{Coyote has a nice rack, not huge but definitely a handful.}

"Thanks Yellow, now shut up I'm trying to watch the finale." She elbowed him then hummed along to the overture that the city timed the fireworks to.

He was seriously starting to dislike the idea of Stark ever finding a way for her to get back home. Dinner tonight had been the best non-chimichangas he had had in YEARS. Sure his apartment had been invaded and his things touched but she didn't tell him to shut-up all the time.

{Funny, because she just told me to shut-up}

"Shut-up!" he yelled. Sam for her part didn't even twitch although another couple turned to look at them.

[Fuck 'em]

Samantha squeezed his hand and if possible scooted closer. However, she did it she seemed to exert a calming presence over him. His thoughts, and he meant all of them, seemed to be less chaotic. And she actually seemed to like most of his jokes.

It WAS starting to get painful sleeping next to her without also fucking her brains out but he was semi-hopeful that he could con her into sex in his near future. Although that was going to get harder with her sleeping in the second bedroom. Why the hell did he let her clean that room?

{Because you're fucking pussy whipped without any pussy}

[Which is weird because we don't like being whipped even under the best of circumstances]

"That shit hurts!"

{Why do people think we like pain?}

[Because if they think we enjoy it they're less likely to do it to us]

{"Oh yeah"}

All of a sudden Samantha's face was in front of him like he'd lost time. "Hey, you ok, you sort of zoned out there for a second," she was so close her breath kissed his cheeks.

He nodded noticing that the fireworks had stopped. "Want to head back down?" he said to cover the lapse.

She nodded in return and they trooped back downstairs to his apartment. When they hit the living room she hesitated and then asked. "I don't suppose you'd like to stay up and watch a movie? I'm not feeling particularly tired just yet."

(Nor do we have any interest in that spare bed)

"Dammit brain!"

"So what you're really trying to avoid is sleeping alone…" he grinned lecherously.

"Alright, alright, I admit it, I like sleeping with you. I _really_ like sleeping with you, I like having a warm body wrapped around me in the morning, I like it when the room isn't completely silent because someone else is there with me, I like not being alone. But it's horrible at the same time because it's not fair to you to be used like that. Hell, you're not a teddy bear! You're all hard angles and sex appeal and I'm stuck between wanting to crawl on top of you and hearing that voice in the back of my head that sounds like my mother's asking me 'what exactly I think I'm doing' and it SUCKS!" her arms had come up to wrap around herself and she looked miserable.

Deadpool stalked forward looming into her personal space. He reached out to cup her cheek and leaned close to her ear, his voice like the purr of a jungle cat's when he said. "Then quit torturing the both of us and come to bed…"

 **Author's Note(s)**

 **The next chapter (which will be named The Big Bang) is going to be explicit. Obviously this will be between two consenting adults but if this is a problem for you feel free to skip Chapter 11 and pick it back up with 12.**


	11. Chapter 11 The Big Bang

**(Pink)**

 **[White]**

 **{Yellow}**

(MCU)

Samantha wasn't sure if it was utterly male presence nearly on top of her or that deep vibrating rumble but right then she was sure her brain had just turned off in the most splendid way. The last thought that slipped through was.

(Take me to bed or lose me forever.)

The next thing she knew she was clinging to Deadpool's shoulders with her legs wrapped around his torso and he was pressing hungry kisses to her neck. He was carrying her backwards toward the bedroom, easily supporting her weight with one large hand spread over her ass and the other cupping the back of her head.

With tongue and teeth, he was tearing down whatever inhibition she had left. She hissed out a breath when he found the particularly sensitive skin at the notch of her collar bone. Samantha must have done more than just hiss because he chuckled against her neck, his chapped lips adding another dimension to the sensation.

"Slow down Princess, I promise you we have all night long." Deadpool rumbled and she could feel the vibrations down through her chest and lower into her sex.

"Don't want slow, I've had enough of slow," she ground out. With a final lick to her exposed collarbone Deadpool pulled his head back to look her in the eyes. He could feel the lust coming off of her but he had to be certain.

"Are you sure Samantha, because if this goes any further it will kill me if you ask me to stop. But I will if you ask," he breathed out.

"Say my name like that again and I will kill you if you do stop" she murmured as she trailed kisses along his jawline. Turnabout was after all fair play. "Now bed that way," she indicated with a toss of her head.

Wade fell backwards onto the bed bringing Sam down with him, her legs still straddling his hips. She ground into him searching for just the right pressure, and bemoaning the amount of clothes they were both wearing. Arching her back she pulled her shirt up and off. Her bra was utilitarian white cotton but he couldn't have enjoyed the show more if she was wearing star shaped pasties. He reached for the snap of her jean shorts and then drew them and the slip of cotton below them down as far as he could without her getting off his lap.

"Wade," she drew his name out "you're wearing far too many clothes." Rocking forward she coached his shirt over his chest and then his head. "Oooh very nice," she hummed as she trailed her palms down the contours of his chest and abs.

{Oh good, we're hallucinating again!}

[At least this is a really hot hallucination.]

"Hmm, well just you wait it's about to get so much hotter. Just scoot up on the bed for me." She shifted back and settled between his legs using his movement towards the headboard to divest him of his jeans and boxers.

Deadpool tensed waiting for her reaction. He had gotten used to the sight of all of his body being covered in scars but Sam had yet to see him in all his 'glory'. The smile she gave him went a long way towards allying his fears.

He groaned as she licked her lips and bent to lick the underside of his shaft before engulfing the tip in her warm wet mouth. His hands reflexively gripped the sheets as she hummed sliding her mouth further down towards his base.

Sam knew what Wade was thinking as he watched her draw his pants down and was on a mission to prove to him that she found him very desirable. Which wouldn't be very hard considering she was drooling over what he had hidden away in his boxers. She was so going to enjoy taking advantage of him being passive for as long as it lasted because she figured when he started to move she was going to let him do whatever he wanted to her.

A stray curl of Samantha's hair trailed along the crease of his thigh offering a counterpoint to her administrations. A flash of light from the window illuminated it, catching Wade's eye. He started to thread his fingers through her hair working the moorings of the braid free and setting her hair loose to tumble down around them. It was like a curtain of satin fire obscuring from view what she was doing, which only worked to enhance the sensation of her lips dragging back up his cock. He could feel heat and tension spiraling up his spine as she bobbed her head working him deeper into her throat and mouth.

Wrapping her hair around his hand and wrist he drew her head up her lips making a soft popping noise as they released his engorged tip. She looked up at him curiously her lips swollen from the fun she had been having.

"My turn…" he rasped. Sam ignored him and stretched her tongue out to lathe at the precum he was beginning to seep. He almost let her get away with it but after a second he surged upward and grabbed her around the waist dragging her beneath him.

She wriggled her hips settling into the mattress waiting for him to make his next move. He didn't wait long; he was stretched out on top of her nibbling along he the edge of her bra's cups. "Now who's wearing to many clothes?" he growled, unhooking the clasp with a hand that he expertly snaked behind her.

She made a throaty sound as he slid the straps down her arms and then tossed the bra away. She arched under him as he drew one pink tipped nipple into his mouth and sucked. He thumbed and gently tugged on the other nipple and the dual sensations caused her to writhe below him. She could feel herself getting wetter than she had probably ever had and he hadn't even fully removed her clothes yet. She brought her hands up pulling his head in tighter to her chest.

"Oooh, I think someone likes being the center of attention," he murmured against her silken skin. Kissing his way down her side to her hip bones he coaxed her hips up so he could pull the rest of her clothes off. He tossed these aside as well sitting back so he could admire how she was spread out beneath him. She was glorious from the curls that trailed down over her shoulders, the mounds of her breasts, nipples jutting upward, the narrow waist that flared into wider hips and oh her ass. He wasn't sure where he wanted to get started at but he reminded himself they had all night.

Reveling in his regard Samantha drew a knee up and rubbed her calf and ankle along his hip urging him to do more. "If you like what you see you should try a sample," she smirked.

"Hmm, have anything in peach?" He teased as his hand trailed lower into her sopping cleft.

"Ummff, come find out," she parried, her entire being starting to concentrate in the nub he was now circling with his thumb. The leg she had been using to rub along his hip she now wrapped higher up and used to pull him down toward her lower curls

His warm breath added to her heightened sense of touch just before he spread her wider and began to lap at her with his tongue. Two days of innuendos and sexual tension had been exquisite foreplay and she was already skirting the edge. Her whimpers took on an edge as worked a rough finger into her channel. He paused for a second to make sure the added note was passion and not pain and then added another finger. If he had any hair left she would probably be pulling it out at this point, as it was her manicured nails were dragging against his scalp. It was all the encouragement Wade needed.

Using her own moisture, he coated the thumb and forefinger of his other hand. Then he glided them lower and applied some gentle pressure to the rim of her anus. Sam's brain had just about half a second to register the novel sensation when her orgasm came ripping through her. The sexy little yips that she had been making lengthened into a screech as she rode it out.

"Wadddee pll-eea-sse," Her brain was still offline and she was stuttering.

"Oh no sweetheart, you owe me at least one more of those before I give you what you're begging for" He picked her up and rolled so that she was sitting on his chest. Samantha tried to scoot back so she could impale herself on him but he still held her firmly by her hips. "I was thinking of a different ride."

Sam's emerald eyes widened in understanding, and she blushed. But Wade didn't give her any chance to think about it and dragged her forward. And then she was back to not thinking at all. She actually had to grab the headboard to keep her balance. Wade had used the first round to learn what she liked and he used that knowledge to great effect in this round. His long fingers found that nerve cluster inside her and he messaged it while he swirled his tongue around her prominent clit.

When Sam started to grind down on top of him he knew she was getting close again. He didn't want her to go over quite yet so he shifted them again. Now she facing down him and he had shifted his tongue from her clit to slowly licking the skin between her openings. Wade was pretty sure she had never engaged in anal play and he was testing the waters. One rough finger pad was still applying pressure to her clit, just not enough to give her what she was demanding.

Samantha eased forward so that she could return the favor. She didn't have the reach to get more than the upper third of his dick in her mouth but she was making up for this by using her hand as an extension. Its path slicked by both his precum and her drool. It was sloppy and fantastic and it was definitely starting to effect Wade's concentration.

He growled and dragged her hips backwards reasserting dominance. Sam arched in response, an unconscious demand for more. Wade was happy to oblige, tightening his hold on her hips and shifting his angle to once again concentrate on her clit. Sam's hips rolled trying to achieve more pressure. She was actively begging for more now, although she wasn't sure if it was more penetration by his fingers or more pressure on her clit. He gave her both. Muscles seizing her tunnel tightened around his finger and her juices flowed freely as she moaned nearly delirious with sensation as she came a second time. She collapsed onto his chest and Wade's hum of satisfaction caused mini quakes but otherwise she wasn't moving.

Rolling out from under her he grinned, "Still want more?" he rumbled. She nodded, eyes hooded and feeling boneless. Pinning her down with his weight he draped his longer body over her nestling his erection in between the cheeks of her ass. He kissed and nipped at her neck which served wonderfully to arouse her from her stupor. Wade was reaching the end of his tether as well and he bit the back of her neck with more force than he intended but instead of complaining she purred and stretched into him. She was chanting something into the mattress now, and it took him a second to realize what she was saying.

"Fuck me Wade please, please fuck me." Her hips had come up off the mattress and he kissed his way down her spine towards her ass. Her ass was absolutely perfect and he wanted it badly but he'd save that for another night, right now he was going to enjoy his dick buried in her hot soaking wet pussy.

Lining himself up at her entrance he drove his hips forward seating himself within her tight channel. The moaning noises she made were delicious and her quim gripped him so hard he had to stop moving for a second to regain control. Grabbing her hips to anchor her in place he set a hard rhythm that drove them both towards the edge. Forgetting to be gentle he grabbed a fistful of curls arching her neck backwards as he surged into her. The shift in angle caused his cock to rub up against the same cluster of nerves he had tortured earlier. When Sam flung herself into the abyss that third time Wade went with her riding her down into the mattress as they both shuddered uncontrollably.

It took Sam's brain awhile to come back online, when it did she realized that Wade was still laying on top of her although he seemed to be supporting some of his own weight because he wasn't crushing her. Not that she would complain if he was, she couldn't complain right now if she tried.

"Hmmm," she made a sound that could have been easily mistaken for a purr. "Best… holiday… ever."

He kissed her shoulder and then replied. "I'm glad you liked the fireworks."

She groaned "Very pun-y".

Taking one last nip at her shoulder he rolled over dragging her with him. She scooted a bit to get comfortable and then nestled into his chest and idly ran a hand over his chest and abs. But he snagged her fingers after only a moment.

"Keep that up Princess, and I won't be able to leave you alone," he warned.

She picked her head up to look at him. "Really?" His only response was to cock an eyebrow at her. "Hmm, I guess that makes sense, healing factor and all." She shifted again so she could study him better. "So you're not going to fall asleep on me then?"

"Did you want me to?" Wade wasn't sure what she was really after.

She shook her head "No I don't really want you to fall asleep on me but I also don't want to fall asleep on you. If you know what I mean."

"Ah, no Princess, you can't tire me out that way."

{Although no one is going to complain if you try.}

[Why is she even thinking about this?]

{Apparently we didn't fuck her brains out, we should try again.}

(Promises, promises.)

"So that's an open invitation to try then?" She snaked a hand down and snagged him. She slid further down and smirked at him. "And this time no interrupting my fun."

Wade hissed through his teeth as she took him into her mouth again. He ran his hands through her hair, not to stop her but just because he loved the feel of it in his hands. She hummed appreciatively forcing a groan from his chest. "Samantha, baby I…." but what Sam did next stole his ability to talk.

Samantha loved the reaction she got almost as much as Wade did. She had slicked up a finger and pressed it against his entrance just as he had done to her. Sam had never done this before but she was following his reactions and she knew she had struck gold when he stopped talking. Apparently all those novels had been right about men and their prostates.

The painful tightening of his hands on her scalp was her only warning that Wade was about to lose it. She loved this part, the power of bringing someone so strong to a gasping twitching mess. She swallowed his cum and then licked him down like an ice-cream cone. His still hard member twitched and she smiled like a cat playing with a mouse.

Samantha crawled up to sit straddling his hips, leaning forward to nip at his chest. "Have I mentioned that I like it when you call me Samantha, especially in that growl you do." She teased him. She cocked her head to the side and studied him. "Although for some reason I also like it when you call me Princess, but the Coyote thing I could live without."

Wade had recovered his breath but he was still speechless watching her sit astride him.

[Hey I think we're supposed to be listening to her right now.]

This time she bit him harder. "Ouch…" He whined, "what was that for?"

"For not paying attention to me when I am sitting naked on you." She pretended to be angry.

"Oh."

[We said we weren't listening not that we weren't paying attention.]

{Because you and those tits have our undivided attention.}

"We could give you more attention if you want," he smirked. Grabbing Sam by her hips he picked her up just enough to drive his cock into her. A short while later Wade was sure she had been lying about not being able to ride.

A while later Sam was draped over his chest humming tunelessly to herself. He smiled, she was definitely a vocal little thing. He kissed the crown of her head, wondering if this time she was going to drift off to sleep or decide to be feisty again. He got his answer a second later when the humming turned into soft breathing. He wrapped an arm around her and relaxed into sleep himself.


	12. Chapter 12 Catching a Hop

**(Pink)**

 **[White]**

 **{Yellow}**

 **(MCU)**

Deadpool may have slept for half an hour when his phone rang. Easing Sam off of him he got up to answer it.

"Yeah," he rasped into the burner. "Weasel this had better be good."

"About a million reasons for you to take this call Wade. All you need to do is take a hop to Somalia. Transport is already arranged, should be a quick in and out job. Some douche canoe general just staged a takeover. Our favorite 'Uncle' is financing this trip. So half up front half upon completion, standard op."

"Translation they don't know me and if something goes south I'm on my own." Deadpool broke in. "What time is pickup?"

"An hour. Flights out of La Guardia, brief on the plane. You say the word and they'll make the initial transfer."

Deadpool sighed and looked towards the bed.

"Wade, you there, I need an answer or I need to make another phone call." Weasel broke into his thoughts.

"Yeah I'm here, and I'll be there. Just let me suit up and make a phone call," and he hung up.

[She's going to be pissed this time!]

{I'm going to have to agree on that one.}

"She'll get over it or she'll leave, they always do."

[Ok, but we can't just leave her here either.]

{We need a sitter.}

"Don't worry I got that covered."

"Hey Tosh I need a favor." He said without preamble.

"Deadpool? Why are you calling me? And don't ever call me Tosh again." Natasha had been reading in her lounge when her phone rang with an unlisted number. Now she wished she had never picked it up.

"You know where I live right?" He didn't bother to wait for an answer. "I need you to keep an eye on Coyote till she wakes up and heads towards the tower. I have a plane to catch and she's sound asleep."

Something in his tone made her consider it. "What time is the hop?"

"I got to be wheels up in 55 minutes." He said grabbing his duffel bag.

"I'll be there; you better catch a cab."

Deadpool and the Widow missed each other by about five minutes but she let herself in. She'd never been in Deadpool's apartment and it wasn't what she was expecting. For one it was clean, and for another there was fruit on the counter in the kitchen. Just out of curiosity she opened up the fridge and saw beer, lemonade, Fanta, and actual food. Including what looked like the leftovers of a strawberry pie. Which she snagged along with a fork.

Natasha cocked an eyebrow, it was damn good pie. Apparently Sam had been busy in the kitchen. Taking the pie, she wandered into the living room to have a look around. She studied the titles on the bookshelf, noting that someone was more of a reader than she had expected. She'd have to reassess how much of a danger Deadpool was if she ever had to go up against him.

Selecting a murder mystery from the shelf she sat down on the chair with her pie and her book and made herself comfortable. It was probably going to be a few hours until Sam woke up so she might as well enjoy herself.

Samantha had hopped in the shower and tossed on another T-shirt and shorts pair from Wade's dresser and headed out to the kitchen before she realized something was wrong. Natasha was peering at her over the back of the chair in the living room. She froze and considered Natasha for a second.

Natasha watched as Sam's face changed from a ridiculously happy look to disappointed to a polite company smile in just under a second. "Good morning Natasha, you weren't the person I was expecting to have breakfast with but I am happy to see you. Give me a minute to get dressed in something a bit less _at home_ , and what do you say you and I head on out for breakfast."

"We'll do that, but also pack a bag for a few days. I'll call Happy to pick us up and we can have breakfast at the tower." Natasha thought she saw Sam's eyebrow twitch but her face was soon back to a placid social look.

"Alright then, I'll just get my things."

Thirty minutes later they were at the tower and Sam was dropping her bag off on Natasha's floor. Which was apparently where she was going to be staying for who knew how long. Fortunately, Happy was a much better driver than that cabby had been so she wasn't stressed over that. She was however pretty dam stressed over the fact that Deadpool had just left in the middle of the night without bothering to say anything.

(He _is_ Deadpool you, idiot.)

Sighing she headed up to the main level to have breakfast with Natasha and whoever else showed up this early in the morning. Since it was only 7:30 in the morning that pretty much ruled out Anthony but maybe Dr. Banner and Pepper would be up. Assuming Pepper wasn't already in her office but, that thought gave her an idea.

The flight from New York to Somalia was just under 16 hours if you flew like the crow flies, and didn't have to stop for fuel. That wasn't the sort of flight that Wade caught. So he was going to be in the air a long damn time, which normally meant that Deadpool would be sleeping during it. But after reading his mission file, brief as always, his head kept on circling back to the fact that he was an asshole.

[Something we already knew]

{No shit Sherlock}

"I should have at least left a note."

[Black bag means no note, basic rules]

{She doesn't own us anyway. We're Deadpool not Captain America.}

[She didn't follow Captain America home and sleep with him.]

"I'll call her when I get off the plane. No details, just an ETA"

[Maybe flowers…]

{Pussy}

"Flowers can't hurt."

That settled he stretched out and tried to catch that nap. Unfortunately, he was wired so he spent most of the flight alternating between bugging the crew and bugging himself. By the time they were wheels on the ground nearly 25 hours later they were all hoping to never see each other again. He'd left around 2a.m. in the morning on Monday and thanks to the time change it was now 11 am on Tuesday in Mogadishu the capital city. Which meant if he called now it was after 3a.m. Tuesday in New York. Maybe not the best time to call, at least half a million was good for making sure flowers showed up when you wanted them.

"Morning Pepper, Dr. Banner, Captain," Sam greeted as she walked into the main kitchen.

"Good morning Sam, what brings you here so early?" Pepper greeted.

"Morning" Banner and Cap chorused.

"Deadpool is at work and apparently I'm incapable of staying alone so I woke up to find Natasha stealing pie out of my fridge."

"Hardly, I'd already finished the pie by the time you came out." Natasha smirked, making her way into the kitchen from the lounge.

"I'm glad you liked it, I haven't baked a pie in forever, especially strawberry. But my family always has it for the 4th." Sam poured herself a cup of coffee from the machine. "Now I just need to figure out what to do with my day. Since I was going to tackle someone's desk but now I'm here sans any sort of financial documentation to decipher."

"Somehow that doesn't sound like fun," Steve interjected. "Well the pie part sounded nice, but organizing someone's desk not so much. Especially Deadpool's."

"Actually it's like putting together a puzzle for me but I haven't even had a chance to take a look yet so I couldn't say if it's a mess or not." Sam replied, sipping her coffee.

"What's a mess?" Stark asked as he wandered in for coffee. Unlike the others he was still awake versus going to sleep. After the gala instead of going to bed like most of them he had decided to tinker in his lab.

"Deadpool's desk." Replied Natasha. "Although having seen the kitchen and the living room I'd say it can't be that bad. Unless that was Sam's doing."

"Where is the master of disaster anyway" Anthony asked.

"At work." Banner said, folding up his paper and finishing the last sip of his tea. He handed Sam the financial section and she smiled at him.

"Which leaves me at loose ends for the day." Sam added.

"You can come down to the lab with Bruce and I and we can run some tests. Of course we'd have to wait for Deadpool to wander in to have something to compare them to but at least yours would be out of the way." Stark offered.

"And what tests am I supposed to be completing?" She asked warily.

"I want to run a stress test on a treadmill and a few other things. Nothing particularly bad. Also I've had Jarvis searching different databases to see if there was anything out of the normal on Thursday that might explain how you got here. Like an energy fluctuation or a flash of light or something." He replied easily.

"I also took the information you provided us Friday night and ran a search through every database on the planet and you don't not exist but you're pretty much just a birth certificate, a driver's license and a couple bank accounts." Tony continued.

"That I already know" she regarded him archly.

"And that's what I can help with." Pepper cut in. "I'm going to make a few calls today but I think I can get the state to allow you to take the Certified Public Accountant Exam. Assuming you pass the exam I can certify that you've been working in the field as a CPA to cover the work experience portion."

"That's great, but I can't prove I graduated from college so I can't be certified." Sam pointed out. "I mean I truly appreciate it but the CPA is almost a doctorate for all intents and purposes."

"That's actually the easy part. Just give me the dates and I'll have you graduating Magna Cume Laude from Harvard if you want. SHIELD does cover documents all the time." Natasha reassured her.

"Yeah about that, I really would prefer SHIELD not find me interesting." Sam hesitated, "I mean no offense but they're not the most trustworthy organization."

"This from the person who stays around Deadpool," joked Stark. "Oh and I'm still curious what costume it was…"

"Touché, although I don't actually find Deadpool worrisome. And Natasha will tell you I was wearing running shorts and a T-shirt this morning when I wandered out of the bedroom. No Leila costume and no Arabian Nights."

Natasha for her part decided to keep quiet on the fact that she knew it was the master bedroom and not the spare bedroom that Sam had wandered out of. While Sam had been sleeping she had wandered through every room including the master bedroom and bath. It probably would have unnerved Sam but she knew Deadpool would have done the same thing if their positions were reversed. Besides they were both adults, if Sam wanted to play with fire that was up to her.

"I can keep it under the radar, we use them all the time for low level ops," she assured Sam.

Sam thought about it for a moment and then nodded. "Well in that case I'd love to be able to do work in my field legally."

"Correct me if I'm wrong but isn't any work you do for Deadpool illegal?" Reasoned Captain America, "After all, we know his money never comes from legitimate sources."

"Well yes and no, it depends on where the funds come from. For instance, if he's doing a government sanctioned op than it is legal pay sort of like a SHIELD agent gets paid only on contract. If it's off the books than it depends how he gets paid. If it's payment through shell companies into a foreign bank, I can't be sure where it comes from and I have to dig a bit for the providence. But if they're smart it's already been cycled a few times or they use a cover. Such as say 'motivational speaking'. And while I'm aware he's not doing that it doesn't mean that I can prove it and without proof the FBI isn't going to bother with it. And since I'm sure he's worked for SHIELD at least once they aren't interested in opening that can of worms."

"So it's a legal grey area but, ethically you must know what he's doing," Cap argued.

"Sometimes there is no justice in the law Captain." She rejoined. "Otherwise SHIELD wouldn't exist either. Besides I'm sure Deadpool can be very motivational when he's speaking."

"I'm sure the gun he'll be holding to their heads will help," Stark added.

Sam frowned at Anthony but she had to admit he was right "No, I don't suppose it hurts to be armed when making a point. Something the US government subscribes to frequently or you wouldn't be a billionaire. Now do you want to run some tests or not?"

Deadpool loved that you could order just about anything online these days. Especially if you combined that with a smart phone or a tablet when traveling. He was currently at a rickety table outside a cafe in the capital city of Somalia waiting for a patrol to pass by. He always found it was easier to get in through a body bag than just about any other means. And dictators were usually predictable in the shoot first ask questions later department.

In the meantime, he could accomplish what he needed to get done online. It would help a lot if he knew what her favorite flowers were but he figured he couldn't go wrong with roses. Clicking through the images he found the perfect bouquet, and the card was easy.

 _Sorry_

 _Thursday Maybe_

 _W._

He finished just in time, deleting the browsing history just as soldiers came down the street in a jeep. "Showtime!"

[Good the sooner we get this shit over with the sooner we can get paid.]

{And jump back in bed with Coyote.}

Stepping into the street Deadpool flagged the jeep and addressed the three soldiers in Somali *****. "Hey would any of you guys happen to know where I could find a General Dada?"

"The General does not like visitors. Especially those dressed as freaks." Answered one soldier wearing a Lieutenant's insignia.

"Ah, but I bear an urgent message from a lady friend of his. Something about her having syphilis."

"Shoot him and we will take his body back to the General."

[Zero points for originality.]

{I know right; he's not giving us much to work with.}

"Well, he is an officer."

WHAP

Samantha had spent the morning down in the lab with Bruce and Tony, which she refused to call him on principle, testing the limits of her endurance and reflexes. She and Bruce broke for lunch and dragged Tony up with them, at which point Pepper had convinced Tony to go laydown. So she took advantage of the break to spend her afternoon studying for the CPA.

With the help of Jarvis, she was doing review of the Auditing and Attestation portion of the exam. A portion of the exam that she had done really well on when she had taken it before but she didn't want any surprises due to shifting universes.

"Practice exam results indicate a score of 95%, on the actual exam should be achievable Ms. Wiley," Jarvis informed her after he had reviewed her mock test.

"Great! Thanks for all your help with this Jarvis. I wish you had been around when I took it the first time. When I first took it James was three and I almost went insane trying to balance work, him, and studying." She told the AI.

"Always a pleasure to assist one of Mr. Starks guests," he replied, sounding pleased.

"Jarvis does the tower have any set dinner schedule or anything going on for the evening?" She asked noticing that was now close to 5p.m.

"It is Mr. Odinson's night to make dinner, or more accurately order in dinner. He 'bids' you join them if you are up to it." Jarvis responded.

"Oh well that's sweet of him, I'll just freshen up and head that way."

Arriving back up in the main lounge she saw that Bruce was sitting on one of the sofas with Dr. Foster and Darcy. Hawkeye and Thor were standing behind the sofa and Stark was at the bar talking to Pepper. Who might have been trying to get him to not pour a drink.

"Hey y'all, what's for dinner?" She greeted everyone.

"We're debating that now." Clint answered. "I'm holding out for pizza but Tony wants Italian."

"Oh well I'm happy with both. Is there anything I can do to help?" She asked.

"Nah, we're just going to order in," Dr. Foster assured her. "What have you been up to today?"

"Studying for the CPA exam and running on a treadmill. You know exciting things like that. What have you been up to?"

"We were in lab two trying to discern a pattern to the oscillation of stars, we're trying to see if they are predicting a release of a certain form of energy." Jane explained.

"I've no idea what that just meant, but it sounds impressive. Much better than explaining how auditing works," Sam joked.

"Yes nothing like saying you work for the IRS at parties," Darcy quipped.

Sam laughed, "You'd be amazed how that doesn't do me any favors." The two of them had run into in each other earlier at lunch and decided that continued arguing on their part was just too much fun for Stark. So a semi-easy truce had been established.

Stark spotted Cap and the Widow coming off the elevator. "Great now that everyone is here we can run a vote for dinner. Right now we have one vote each for Italian and pizza and one neutral party."

Hawkeye lost so they ended up ordering several trays of lasagna and manicotti. Which honestly suited Samantha just fine because she preferred what she considered 'sit down food' but it turned out that everyone just heaped their food on a plate and then gathered round the TV in the lounge. Apparently any night that there wasn't a disaster happening in NY meant that they held a movie night for anyone who was in the tower. If Thor and Cap were in the tower it tended towards movies the others had seen but felt that those two should enjoy. Tonight's choice was the first Lord of the Rings movie.

Waking up in a body bag was not an abnormal thing for Deadpool. And it wasn't the worst wake up he'd ever had either. There had been that time he caught a coffin on fire. That had been a rough day. Hooking a knife tip into the underside of the zipper he slid it open. He used to just slit the bags with the knife but had accidently opened up a corpse stacked above him once. He'd never been able to get the smell out of that particular suit.

Climbing out of the bag he saw that he was in a windowless room with stone walls but only a wooden door. Probably a basement. And he was betting it was the basement of the capital building.

"Works like a charm every time."

[No one appreciates our genius.]

"Well time to see what's behind door number one."

{Hopefully it's either the future dead guy or a bathroom.}

[How long were we in the bag?]

"Looks like about four hours, so that puts us midafternoon on Tuesday."

Swinging the door open he found it opened into a deserted hallway with a set of stairs to the left so he headed for the stairs. The great thing about morgues was that they were never guarded and you could pretty much walk through all the security. Or be carried through as the case may be. No time like the present to un-alive someone. If we're lucky we can have this job wrapped up in an hour or so and be wheels up and out of Africa.

{Dude you just cursed us!}

[Fuck he's right!]

"Shut-up you two, I'm trying to work here."

At the top of the stairs he paused to listen. Hearing voices on the other side of the door he debated opening it up and chucking some grenades but he wasn't sure who it was and first rule of hunting was don't throw the grenade till you actually see the dictator.

[That's don't shoot until you see the deer you, idiot…]

{Let's just pop out and shoot everyone.}

[The op says only the General, minimize collateral damage.]

{And who cares.}

[The guys who pay us the other half of our money. And Samantha.]

Easing the door open Deadpool checked the hall to see two servants talking as they carried cleaning supplies from room to room. Definitely the capital building, then. Waiting for them to enter a room further down the hall he crossed the hall and headed up another flight of stairs. Executive suites were usually upstairs and he was betting that his target had wasted no time in occupying them.

Samantha enjoyed dinner in the tower, she had seen the movie a million times but it was still epic. She bantered back and forth with Dr. Banner and Jane while Tony, Thor, and Clint debated which character was the better warrior. Natasha, Pepper, and Darcy explained various plot quirks and pointed out the actors to Steve.

Sadly, as much as she enjoyed it, she still missed Wade. Plus, she'd really like a repeat of the night before, in fact she had really been hoping for a repeat of it this morning as well. Damn him for making her worry about him. Really it was insane that she was worried about someone who couldn't be killed. She had never worried about Jonathan when he was out during drug busts or other deputy related tasks. She wasn't sure if that was a comment on her marriage, or how she was being ridiculous or some combination of the two.

And honestly she was putting too much thought into this because if he had been worried or concerned he would have left a note of something. After she asked him to at least give her an idea of when he'd be back the next time he went out on a job. Although apparently he had called Natasha to keep an eye on her so he was at least semi-concerned with her safety. Although she personally thought that she would be fine wandering around New York by herself. Certainly she would have been perfectly fine in the apartment till he got back.

Speaking of getting back she really hoped Stark found an answer to her questions soon. Or else she was going to have to talk to Dr. Strange. And didn't that just sound like fun. Well I can't just stay here, she reasoned, I have a business to run and I'm sure my parents are starting to wonder where the hell I am.

Somewhere in the back of her head her snarky inner voice spoke up.

(Well for someone who wants to leave and go home, why we don't know, you sure spent a lot of time working on your CPA studying today. Because of course we'd need to get our CPA license here if you were only staying a few weeks, max.)

Samantha sighed, it was shaping up to be a long night. Tomorrow no matter how she slept tonight she was going for a long run.

 **Author's Notes**

 **According to Marvel Deadpool is fluent in Spanish, German, Japanese and a few other languages. Since Somalia has been in a state of unrest including multiple governments over the past few decades it's not unreasonable that he has been there before and picked up at least a basic fluency in Somali. Somali and Arabic are the two common languages spoken in country.**

 **Somalia is in fact 8 hours ahead of NYC, and if you caught a commercial flight from NYC to its capital it would take approximately 35+ hours with layovers. Military transportation doesn't normally do extensive layovers so I took the liberty of shortening the time. It is actually about 15 hours and 45 minutes if you could fly a straight route without refueling.**

 **The dictator and political situation in this chapter are of course fake but I did borrow a name from history. General Idi Amin Dada did exist, however he was not in Somalia, he was instead the third president of Uganda. His presidency was rife with human rights abuses, political repression, ethnic persecution and a whole host of other crimes.**


	13. Chapter 13 Hocus Pocus

**(Pink)**

 **[White]**

 **{Yellow}**

 **MCU**

Deadpool was lounging in the Presidential Office, or was it the Ex-Presidential Office, waiting for Dada. While he waited he played on his Nintendo DS, which he kept in one of his pouches for just this reason. He'd already gone through everything for useful information. Including the fact that Dada seemed to have a regular Tuesday appointment with his mistress here in the city. Dollars to donuts that was where the guy was now. But he also had a 6 pm meeting here in his office with what looked like his financial backer. So Deadpool waited, knowing it wouldn't be too much longer and the guy would show up, probably still tucking in his shirt tails.

The bank of windows in the office faced the drive and he was aware as soon as Dada showed up. He was tempted to use the long gun he had brought with him but he wanted it to be a quiet in and out vs being chased by security. He had already been shot once today and he wasn't feeling like being shot at again as he tried to clear the buildings security.

{Actually we were shot 5 times today. It was just all at once.}

[That's true, that one in the stomach wasn't very nice of them. After all we were already down.]

"Tell me about it. You'd think the two in the chest and one in the head would have been sufficient."

{Assholes.}

Hearing voices approach from down the hall Deadpool got in position behind where the door would conceal him when it opened. As soon as the General turned Dictator opened the door he intended to slit his throat make sure he was dead, dead and make his way back towards the airfield.

[Should be easy to make sure he's dead. He's supposed to be human.]

The door was partially open now and Dada was part way through it but turned to talk to someone. Deadpool was tensed and ready to spring he just wanted to make sure the guy was in the room first.

{Chatty bastard isn't he.}

Dada finally wrapped up his conversation with what sounded like an aide and strode into the room. He had left the door open, expecting his visitors to be arriving for the meeting shortly. Deadpool shut it for him and leaned against it. "Nice evening for an assassination isn't it?"

"What are you doing in my office?" Dada replied without flinching.

{Oooh he's going to be fun.}

[Good, fun makes up for being shot.]

"I think I might have just implied I'm here to kill you."

{And we need to tell him to get checked for syphilis.}

"Although, perhaps you thought I was soliciting work. I understand your regime is still working on eliminating the opposition."

"I don't hire lunatics who dress in pajamas." Came the dictators icy reply.

"These aren't pajamas, although we may be a lunatic. It's hard to tell sometimes but the voices and I aren't too worried about it." Deadpool answered him.

"Ah I know who you are now, you are who they call Deadpool. The mercenary who never shuts up. I assure you I can double your offer. After all you aren't here for free."

[Why do they always go with bribery?]

{Next is threats.}

[Yep he'll pull the gun in his desk. Too bad we took the bullets out.]

"That was a good idea."

"What was a good idea?" The older man asked.

"Oh, just us taking the bullets out of your gun. We also took all the cash out of that drawer while we were at it. Helps cover expenses. Like when your guys shot me earlier, now I have to patch my suit." Deadpool reasoned.

Dada's jaw suddenly didn't look as firm as it had a moment ago. "I will triple your fee," he offered this time.

The ring of steel going through bone was his only answer this time.

Samantha was up early the next morning dressed and ready for a run. She'd done three miles on the treadmill yesterday but she was feeling like some distance today. If she was lucky Cap would agree to join her and they could do something around Central Park. She headed up to the main level to check and see if he was awake yet. It was only 5:30 in the morning but she was feeling wide awake. To be fair she was usually up and running by this time in the south just to beat the heat. New York was a fair bit cooler however so she could have slept in.

Technically she shared a lounge and kitchen with Natasha but she headed up to the main lounge because that's where everyone seemed to gather. Walking into the spacious room she saw that Stark was still awake and pouring himself a cup of coffee in the kitchen.

"Good Morning, Anthony. Did you pull another all-nighter?" She greeted him.

"Morning Sam, are you ever going to call me Tony? He said over his cup of coffee.

Ignoring his question, she asked him one of her own. "Any luck finding out how I made it here? Or why I'm a mutant from a reality that doesn't have mutants?"

"Not a damn thing sweetheart. I've searched for energy surges, any indication of a portal, anything that would explain why you're here. There is no reason for you to be here. Not a scientific one anyway. But I'm not ready to call in Strange just yet. I hate that guy, arrogant bastard, always talking about mystic forces."

"Ah mystic forces, translated as unexplained science. I've heard you don't like those unexplained parts." She smiled a bit at the last part.

"Not so much that I don't like them, just that I can't leave them alone," he corrected.

"Ah, I use to feel the same way when I was chasing money down. I use to head the forensic department out of the Atlanta branch. Was fun most of the time. Of course I spent too much time doing that and not enough time with my family. Don't do the same thing Anthony, it's never worth it in the end."

"If you use to do forensic accounting for the IRS, which makes it the holy grail of forensic accounting why doesn't Deadpool bother you." He questioned, looking at her as she leaned against the counter nursing her own cup of coffee.

"You misunderstand me, I don't really care about where the money comes from, so much as solving the puzzle that's in those numbers. I like being able to trace it to the source, I just don't really care who the source is. Once I found them the game was over for me. Besides I think Deadpool is a lot more ethical than you think. He just annoys the hell out of you and he does the jobs that society needs done but doesn't want to think about," she mused.

"That may be, I can't say I've ever taken the time to get to know him. However, I can tell you this, he has the reputation he does for a reason. He's not just a kicked puppy you can take home with you, he's a lunatic with a sword fetish." He warned her.

Just then Captain America wandered into the kitchen dressed in running shorts and a T-shirt. He smiled when he saw that Samantha was also ready for a run. "Ah Sam, I was hoping I might find you up here. Would you like to do a few miles with me this morning? We can head towards Central Park and then swing back when you're ready. The Park Drives loops around the park itself so that's about 6 miles plus there and back."

"So about seven all together then? That sounds just about perfect, although I have to warn you I really like to win the sprint at the end." She was only half joking.

Stark looked appalled. "You both know that normal people don't talk about doing seven miles and a 'sprint' at the end."

"Actually lots of people think that seven miles is a lovely distance, and you're biased anyway. The only sprinting you do is towards your bar, bless your heart," Sam drawled.

"He doesn't even run that much," Steve cut in.

Tony just flipped them both off and poured another cup of coffee.

General Dada died at 5:20p.m. local time Tuesday. Deadpool stuck around for another 30 minutes to make sure that he was actually dead, and that his head didn't start to reattach or anything else fun like that. No point in not making sure, after all then he'd have to come back to this hell hole. It was cutting it pretty close if he wanted to get out undiscovered since Dada had had a meeting at 6p.m. but he liked to be sure his work was done right the first time. Well ever since he had shot a body double and thought he had the right guy.

Besides it wasn't that he worried about getting out so much as he didn't want to have to kill anyone else to do it.

{I wouldn't mind.}

[They want clean.]

"And they still have half our money. So we'll play by the rules. For now…"

He had already cleared the wall that surrounded the grounds when the shouting started inside the Capital Building. Apparently they had figured out that Dada wasn't going to make that meeting.

[Time to catch a flight.]

{Is anyone else worried this went way too well?}

"Now who's jinxing us."

Deadpool's ride out of country was scheduled to leave just after midnight but he made his way directly to the airport. He didn't want to wait and see what Dada's army would do now that their leader was gone. Either they'd disband quietly or a power struggle would occur between inner factions.

[We're betting the second option.]

{Not our problem, we did our job.}

By the time he made it to the airport word on the assassination had spread and soldiers were patrolling the airport keeping an eye out for anyone suspicious. They were inspecting every hanger and every plane to see if they could capture who had killed Dada. It didn't look like they had reached the hanger where the transport was parked behind waiting but they were getting dam close.

{We don't ever get out of these things easy.}

["No shit."]

The flight mechanic saw him coming and made a 'hurry your ass up gesture at him' while signaling the pilot to get the engines started. They made it onboard just as the soldiers made it to the hanger. As they started their takeoff the soldiers opened fire, a few bullets clipping the engine cowl and fuselage.

The run around Central Park was really pleasant. Instead of doing a lung busting pace Steve set a comfortable one that allowed them to talk, albeit in short sentences, without worrying they were going to die. Steve talked about Peggy and waking up in a new time and Sam talked of her husband and how surreal it was to find out a world she thought was imaginary actually existed.

"So what are you going to do if you can't get home?" Steve asked her as they turned to head south along the eastern side of the park.

"Pepper and Natasha are going to help me get my CPA here... Once I have a CPA in NY state I can do work in my field again... Or I guess I could technically do it without the CPA, I could teach economics somewhere but I'm not keen on the idea of being a professor... Might do taxes, or start an accounting firm, or even just do financial advising… I don't need the money but I will need something to keep me occupied…" She had been giving this some thought.

"Is that the sort of business you had after you left the IRS?"

"Hmm, yeah, I did financial counseling for families and seniors… How to invest and save for retirement... How to set up their assets for an easy transition towards the end… Stuff like that. Which I can do here in New York… Location doesn't really matter to me..." She huffed a bit but she was still a lot more comfortable than she had been on Sunday morning. 

"So you and Deadpool getting along?" Steve switched the subject.

"Yes, I can definitely say we're getting along… He can actually be very nice when you ignore the fact that he talks to himself… And I can tell you he makes awesome pancakes…" She smiled.

(That isn't the only thing he's awesome at.) Sam tripped but caught herself.

"Steady there… You getting tired?" Steve teased.

"Not on your life. I just tripped over a thought." She assured him.

"Oh and what thought was that?"

"Cap, you don't want to know… I promise you that…" Sam laughed.

"I'm not an expert but I'm pretty fucking sure that the engine shouldn't be smoking." Deadpool told the pilot as he leaned into the cockpit.

"Yeah no shit, but they hit one of the oils lines so unless one of your powers is fixing an oil line in flight, shut the hell up and sit down," he shot back.

"Well just so you know, if this bitch crashes no matter what I'm going to be walking away, do you have that ability?" Deadpool replied before walking back to his seat.

[Good thing we said maybe Thursday when we wrote that card.]

{How many fucking times do you have to jinx us today?}

Fortunately, the pilots were able to put down in Nairobi. Unfortunately, they were stuck waiting for a part to come in which might take several hours. Deadpool for his part tried to stay out of the way and sat sharpening his katanas in the back of the plane. It probably didn't occur to him that Deadpool sharpening his swords and talking to himself is actually much more unnerving than anything else they had ever seen. So much for his attempt to be well behaved.

"Ms. Wiley, a package arrived for you while you and Captain Rodgers were out. Ms. Potts signed for it, and put it in your room." Jarvis greeted them as they stepped onto the elevator.

"Thanks Jarvis, but please call me Sam, or Samantha," she responded to the AI automatically, "I wasn't expecting a package," she said to Steve.

"Who knows you're here?" he asked

"Should be just Deadpool, although maybe Spider-Man." She said baffled as to who else it could be.

"How does Spider-Man maybe know you're here?" asked Steve curiously.

"Deadpool and I ran into him as we were heading to Deadpool's apartment when we left here Friday night. So he knows I had been here and one could assume he would attempt to reach me here if he tried the apartment and didn't find us there. But I don't see either of them sending me a package."

"Well you'll find out in a second," Steve reasoned.

"I suppose so, I can check out what it is and then I'm going to take a shower and then I'm going to concentrate on studying for the CPA exam. Pepper said she can proctor it on Friday morning." She sounded more excited about the exam than she did the package, at least to Steve's ears.

When Samantha stepped off the elevator into her and Natasha's lounge she was floored, sitting in the center of the table was an elegant glass vase filled with gorgeous Hocus Pocus roses. Hocus Pocus roses were a variety of roses that were striped with red that varied from true red to so dark it was almost black with splashes of white. Sam remembered them because she had always thought they were so much prettier than plain red roses. It took Sam a second to get her feet to start moving towards the table. Reaching for the card she hoped to see an indication it was from Wade. The short and simple note inside made her smile spread across her face.

"Who are they from?" came a Russian accented voice.

"They're from Wade." Sam answered.

"You know Sam the thought of Deadpool sending anyone flowers IS terrifying," Natasha said from her bedroom door.

Sam wasn't paying all that much attention, she was stroking one delicate petal. "I think it's sweet. At least I know he's ok," she murmured absently.

Natasha wandered over to the table with a deceptively casual stride. "You'll have to let me know how you managed to get him to do something like this in less than a week." She teased. The Widow wasn't sure but she thought that maybe Sam was incredibly naïve, or incredibly dangerous. Although considering the personalities that lived in the tower maybe she was right where she belonged. Either way she was going to keep an eye on her while it all played out.

"I have no idea, but they're going to make it hard to concentrate on my studying." Sam placed the card on the table next to the vase. "But first things first I need a shower and then food, I'm starving. Cap and I did like seven miles this morning and all I've had so far is coffee."

Smiling and humming to herself she headed through her bedroom to the bathroom where she grabbed a much deserved shower. When Natasha heard the water go on she picked up the card to read it. It was short but it did reveal that Deadpool cared enough to give Sam a head ups about when he thought he'd be back. And clearly he felt the need to apologize for something, although she couldn't be sure if he was apologizing for leaving like he had, what he was doing while he was gone, or something else.

Sam suspected that Natasha would read the card, and had deliberately made it easier for her to do so because she had nothing to hide. She was after all an adult, and a little fun was just what she wanted after years of being wrapped away. Besides she knew the Widow really couldn't help herself when it came to the spy thing.

So with that in mind Sam was still humming to herself while she washed her hair. She was thrilled that he'd sent the flowers, but she was more pleased about the fact that now she had a clue when he was going to be back. As much as she had enjoyed the chaos that was Avengers tower with all the Avengers interacting she still missed the Merc and his mouth.

(Face it, the idea that he'd sleep with you and then leave was eating you up inside.)

"All I asked him for was an ETA, and he did that. Of course a note would have been nice yesterday morning…" and now she was talking to herself.

(Clearly whatever Deadpool has is catching.)

Deadpool had been in the military and had a somewhat of an uneasy working relationship with them currently. So when they said it was going to be a few hours he had factored in for at least a whole day of delays. He'd tried playing Nintendo DS to pass the time, had sharpened his swords, cleaned his guns and even disappeared for an hour to grab some grub. But by late Wednesday afternoon the crew was willing to shoot him to get him to shut up. Deadpool hadn't gotten any decent sleep since Saturday night so he was considering shooting himself in the head just to get the voices to shut up.

[We're not the idiots who forgot to get the Coyote's phone number before heading out on a job.]

{We did send flowers…}

"We could call Natasha and talk to Sam that way," he reasoned.

{And what good would that do us?}

[Calling Natasha might not be the best idea; she probably already knows too much.]

"We already called her once," he argued.

[Exactly, let's not push our luck.]

"So long as Sam doesn't end up leaving through a portal before we get back to New York."

[She wants to go home anyway, that's her goal. And one night with you isn't going to change your mind.]

{Not even close! If anything it's going to make her beg Stark to hurry up.}

{Maybe a come to Bea moment would help us get out of here.}

[Yeah not going to fix the plane any faster unless Bea knows how to order a part.]

"We really need to get out of here." He grumbled

He pulled his Hello Kitty watch out of one of his pouches and checked the time. He was willing to give it four more hours and then he was going to arrange his own transportation. The only problem with that is he'd have to remove every weapon he was carrying and fly commercial.

{Well that ain't happening!}

[We can't leave Bea and Arthur with these idiots, we'd never get them back!]

Both the pilot and navigator were watching Deadpool anxiously. The new oil pump and lines were supposed to be in hours ago but here they were still stuck in Kenya with God Damn Deadpool. And while he had been unnerving earlier when he was sharpening his swords his pacing like a cooped up tiger was even worse. At this point they were seriously considering pooling their money and just buying him a ticket to where ever the hell he wanted.

They were just starting to figure out how much they had between them when the flight mechanic popped his head in to let them know the parts he needed had finally arrived. Apparently they had had to cannibalize parts from two different planes at the airport in order to get the parts that they needed. The problem was that they couldn't be planes that would be needed that day. So it had taken a good deal of 'horse trading' between their mechanic and the airport ones.

"Should be about two hours and we can get this lady back in the air." He reassured the others. "So if we get her back up by 1800 local time we might make it back stateside sometime Thursday depending on how long layovers take.

Samantha was still humming when she made it upstairs to the lounge. She was pleased to see Bruce was sitting there eating his breakfast. "Morning Bruce, do you want to take a field trip?"

"Where are we going?" Bruce asked, looking up from his eggs.

"I have to swing by the apartment really quick and check on something and grab some stuff." She answered, for instance she needed to check on the cat. "Or I could go by myself considering that I'm an adult…"

"That's not going to happen," he shook his head, "and I'm up for a walk. Some fresh air might do me some good after spending all night in the lab making sure Tony didn't blow himself up. Just let me finish up with breakfast."

"Take your time Bruce, I'm going to pour myself another cup of coffee and find a bowl of cereal." Sam assured him.

Samantha was half way done with her cereal, and was typing out a list of what she needed to get done today on her phone, when Bruce threw her for a loop.

"So I saw you got flowers today," he said rising to rinse his plate before putting it in the dishwasher. "I was in the lounge when Pepper signed for them for you," he added noticing the startled look she gave him.

"Oh it's not a secret or anything, I just haven't quite gotten over the surprise myself," she smiled.

He smiled back, "Surprises are sometimes nice."

"They are," she agreed "they really are."

They didn't end up walking but instead making use of Happy's services. Apparently Pepper was working in the tower today and he was happy to give them a ride. Sam hesitated but she realized not everyone was committed to walking as she was.

"So what errands are we running exactly?" Bruce asked as they climbed the steps to Deadpool's apartment.

"I need to check and make sure the cat has food and water. Or rather I assume it's a cat and not some raccoon or other critter. Anyway it has a bowl on the fire-escape so I'm going to check on it. I fed it before I left with Natasha but I want to make sure it still has food. Not sure if I'm feeding one animal or some fiendish army of creatures."

"And if it is 'an army of fiendish creatures'?" he joked.

"Then I owe New York an apology but I'd rather feed a fiend then starve a kitten," she reasoned. "Also I need to get his dry cleaning out of this house before the pile haunts my dreams another night."

Bruce outright laughed. "I take it his suits aren't wash and wear?"

"Not at all, and there must be at least seven of them in a pile in his room. And yes I freely admit to a certain level of OCD. All southern women have it, at least according to my daddy."

"Hmm and what does your father do?" Bruce asked.

"He's a lawyer, but mostly so he can avoid Momma. Otherwise he owns a controlling interest in the family business. Momma is his hostess slash party planner, slash administrative assistant, slash cross to bear," she replied glibly.

"How did you end up married to a sheriff's deputy? I mean it doesn't sound like you guys traveled in the same social circles," he queried.

"Oh his family is the same way; he was planning on running for Sheriff in the next election. His family was active in Kentucky politics; he was going to dip his toe in in Georgia. And I suppose I was going to smile and wave," she answered with a bit of self-mockery.

"You don't strike me as the smile and wave type. Although that may only be because you seem to be able to hold your own against Darcy, Tony and Deadpool. Or the big guy for that matter," he blushed.

She laughed and unlocked the door to the apartment. "Yeah about that your left hook is totally soft, definitely need to do more lifting." Sobering she gestured for him to precede her into the apartment. "Actually I'd have to say I knew what I was getting into in my marriage. And we were mostly happy. But looking back I don't think I'd choose that sort of life again. Well no if I could go back in time and make those choices again I would because I'd have my kids, but I wouldn't enter into that sort of marriage again. Does that make any sense?"

Bruce nodded his understanding, "He gave you a key?"

"Not exactly but I found it when I was cleaning the other day and when I handed it to him he put it on the counter. I assume he doesn't bother with locking the door most days but I feel better knowing I didn't actually allow him to be robbed. Anyway let me feed the cat, grab some more hair ties, and grab the dry cleaning and then we can hit the road."

"Take your time," he reassured her. "I'm just going to grab a glass of water if you don't mind."

"Oh sure," she said while opening the window to the fire escape, "Just grab a glass, they're on the counter. Or I have coke and lemonade in the fridge."

It didn't take long for Sam to refill the cat bowl and gather up some extra hair ties and Deadpool's suits. Happy stopped at Tony and Peppers normal dry cleaners for them. The poor lady behind the counter didn't seem all that excited by the amounts of blood and other stuff on the red and black leather but she promised to have them ready by Friday. Then it was back to the tower so Bruce could finally get to bed and she could do some more studying.

Settling down in the same comfortable chair she had been in yesterday she brought up the material she had been reviewing the day before on her tablet. It would be another few hours before she reemerged.

 **Author's Notes**

 **I'm releasing this chapter today in honor of the fact that we have 26 followers and 1,000+ views to this story. Thank you all!**


	14. Chapter 14 Bell Collar

**(Pink)**

 **[White]**

 **{Yellow}**

(MCU)

It was around 2p.m. when Samantha realized she was hungry, and probably had been for at least an hour. She had just completed another practice test, this time on a different segment and was waiting for Jarvis to grade it when her stomach rumbled. She glanced at her watch and frowned. "Jarvis, I'm headed up to grab some lunch, and take a break before my brain cooks."

"Very good Ms. Samantha, shall I send the results to your tablet for your review later?"

"That would be perfect, thank you Jarvis." She murmured, already heading towards the lift.

Samantha ended up grabbing leftovers from the fridge and a bag of chips from the counter. Wandering back into the lounge from the kitchen she turned on the TV and started to flip through the channels waiting for something to catch her eye. Apparently it didn't matter if you had 30 channels or 3,000 you still had nothing to watch that was worth watching. So she settled on CNN, if nothing else she could catch up on current events here in the MU.

Sam found it somewhat reassuring that despite there being super heroes here the news wasn't that vastly different. Well sort of, apparently there had been another Spider-Man sighting, which had pissed JJ off. This time it actually was Spider-Man and not Deadpool. He had apparently stopped a robbery over on 5th but JJ was sure it was just a protection scam ploy.

(Idiot!)

She was about to flip the channel to see if there was anything else on when a breaking news flash caught her eye. A dictator, or was it a general, had been killed in Somalia earlier today. Whoops no apparently the guy had been a general and then ousted the president to become the de facto dictator, ambitious of him. Judging by the footage they had managed to get, it appeared that his people weren't going to miss him all that much a few even seemed to be openly celebrating. There did appear to be a fair few soldiers in the capital but for the most part they seemed disorganized now that their leader was gone.

The anchor cut to some footage of the local airport saying there had been shots fired at a plane that was believed to be somehow related. There was already a rumor, reported as news, that outside forces had been involved, in a bid to reestablish the ousted government in order to re-stabilize the region. She supposed it was possible, certainly seemed like he hadn't been the best leader for the country.

Samantha wondered if they'd hold elections or if someone else would move into the power vacuum. She also wondered if this was happening in her universe as well. It didn't seem particularly Marvel related until she heard the anchor say that the dictator's head had been cut off.

"Oh my god! What are the chances this is what he's up to?" She said to no one in particular.

"I cannot run the odds unless they provide more information." Jarvis answered her.

"Well then let's start digging for more information, shall we?"

Much to Sam's frustration there really wasn't any information to ferret out besides background information on Dada. He'd been found at 6p.m. his time with his head cut clean off with some sort of blade. No one had seen anyone come in or out of the building and there were only vague reports of shots being fired at the airport and all incoming and outgoing traffic was shut down due to 'security measures'. So far no organization had come forward to seek credit or to make demands.

Giving up in the interim she wandered back down to her room to study some more but she made sure to keep CNN on incase more information came in. When she found herself ignoring her material and watching the same clip on the TV for what seemed like the 20th time she finally gave it up a bad job and got up to put on some workout gear. Might as well use up her nervous energy on something productive, like beating the stuffing out of a bag.

She nodded a greeting to Hawkeye but otherwise ignored him as she taped up her hands. Hawkeye who was practicing with a new type of arrow that Tony had created for him and was content to ignore her until he heard the thuds on the bag that displayed her temper.

"So you can swing a punch when you feel like it," he cut into her reverie.

She grunted, keeping her concentration on the bag. She just wanted to wear off enough energy that she could get back to studying without feeling the need to bounce out of her chair. Or stare at the TV and wonder if Wade had actually been there or if she was just attributing it to him because she wanted to know where he was.

(We know why he didn't tell us, he couldn't.)

Which was perfectly true, and he had sent the note with his ETA and the roses. She would just prefer he was around. Which she knew was stupid, she'd only known him since Friday and this was Tuesday afternoon.

"So I've decided to leave Laura, and runaway with Wade." Hawkeye told her.

She was so surprised that she stopped and stared at him. "Excuse me," she choked out.

"I thought that might grab your attention. I asked you a question but you haven't been listening. But given that your punching the shit out of the bag I'm going to assume the answer is yes," he explained.

"What was the question?" She started to unwrap her hands.

"I was asking if you had seen the news coverage on Somalia. I don't know for sure but I would guess it was Deadpool. Timeline makes sense if he left real early Monday morning, like he told Nat. That and I don't know many people who have quite such a hard on for katanas." he reasoned.

Samantha looked at him for a second and then nodded, "I thought so as well but it's not like he mentioned where he was going before he left."

"Of course he wouldn't, I don't tell Laura anything. Even when I am home. I tell her if Nat was there and if it was good or bad, but I don't list countries or anything else like that. The less she knows the better off she is. And I really appreciate you not mentioning her to anyone."

She shrugged her shoulders, "It's not my secret to tell. And trust me I totally get the whole leave your job at work thing. I just miss the chatter."

"So that's all you miss?" He cocked an eyebrow.

She cocked her head to side as if considering her answer, "He's also phenomenal at making pancakes."

He laughed, "Yes I can see where pancakes would be the reason to send flowers."

"Well I make a spectacular strawberry pie…" she quipped back.

The plane left Kenya on time and Deadpool felt himself relax. At this rate he'd be home on Thursday, which was perfect. Actually it was on time based on what he had put on the card but he had wanted to get in ahead of schedule, take a shower, change, surprise her and then drag her to bed.

{Assuming she lets you touch her again after leaving in the middle of the night.}

[Women are weird about stuff like that.]

{Plus there is that whole you're ugly as fuck thing.}

[And she's gorgeous.]

"Yeah I got that part," he growled.

But the boxes continued on non-stop. They tended to get worse when he was operating on little to no sleep and he'd last slept, if you didn't count his nap Sunday night, on Saturday night. Well he supposed he'd been out for four hours on Tuesday but that didn't really count as sleeping. Although it was effective for getting the boxes to shut up.

The shot inside the cabin was deafening. The flight mechanic nearly screamed when a piece of Deadpool's head landed on his boots. "Holy shit, do you see what that fucking crazy ass bastard just did?!"

"Jesus, well at least now he'll shut up, he was starting to drive me as crazy as him with his never ending talking. And he wasn't even talking to us half the time," the pilot shuddered. "Besides he'll just regenerate and be back to talking again in a couple hours or so."

"Or less," the navigator moaned. "At least we change out with the other crew again when we get to London. No wonder they had that look on their face when they switched out with us on Monday."

Wednesday passed much the same way as Tuesday had for Samantha. She got up early, after little sleep, and went running with Captain America. Then she ran over to the apartment to check that the cat had food and water and then head back to the tower to study. She did spend an hour down in the lab answering questions for Stark and Dr. Banner who was helping Stark to study her mutation.

For the most part however, she studied for the CPA and read various articles about the economy as it existed in the MU. She stayed mostly to the main lounge however because she enjoyed interacting with the various Avengers as they came and went. Not knowing what time Thursday, she should expect Deadpool she didn't really plan anything. Besides she didn't know what sort of thing she and Deadpool had so wasn't sure the protocol for greeting someone that you moved in with and slept with once but hadn't spoken to since. Somehow she didn't think Ms. Manners had covered that one.

On Thursday morning Sam awoke from maybe three hours of sleep, she'd been so excited about Deadpool getting back today that she'd had trouble sleeping. So she was hoping that this morning's run with Cap would help clear her head. Honestly she'd slept alone for the past three years and now she'd gone three days and was falling apart. Not a particularly good sign. Which made running an even better idea.

She'd meet up with Steve at the elevator in the main lounge around 6:20 and then they'd be pounding the pavement by 6:30, a nice quiet run around the park and then back to the tower to shower and have breakfast. The run itself only took about 45 minutes depending on traffic. Which meant she was back up in the main lounge no later than 7:45 to have breakfast.

Samantha had been tempted to skip the run because she wasn't sure what time Deadpool was going to make an appearance but as she made her way back up to the lounge she was glad that she hadn't. Running with Steve was probably better than most of her therapy sessions. He at least knew what it meant to wake up out of time and place. He vaguely reminded her of her husband in a wholesome sort of way, for his part he treated her like a little sister. In other words, he was safe and comfortable and in no way like Wade.

(And yet we still can't wait to see that man walk into this tower to take us home!)

She hummed to herself at the thought of the word 'home' but wasn't going to argue the point even with herself.

Walking through the lounge she made her way into the kitchen for her first cup of coffee of the day. With any luck she could even sass at Anthony over her coffee. He was normally still up around this time of the morning. She didn't see Steve but figured he and Bruce would be up any minute now. Seems like everyone ended up here around the same time. Sure enough Anthony was leaning against the counter holding onto a mug like it contained the secrets of the universe. She knew that feeling all too well.

Grabbing her own mug, she joined Anthony in propping up the counter. "Morning, anything new and interesting get invented last night?"

"Still mucking around with a new gauntlet design and running some numbers on your mutation. I don't think it's exactly like Deadpool's. From what I can gather your rate of healing is slower. But I don't know if it's because it's like an unused muscle or if your mutation is more like Wolverines, so I'm going to try and get the three of you together if possible and do a DNA comparison and some other tests. Assuming I can convince Wolverine and Deadpool to visit my evil lab…," he shook his head, not really looking forward to having both of them in his lab at once.

Samantha heard the elevator ding and figured it was Steve or Bruce, or both joining them. Natasha and Hawkeye had disappeared last night on a SHIELD OP and Thor was not an early riser. "And why do we need to know the exact nature of my mutation?"

"Gives my active brain something to work on while my subconscious turns over the problem of how you got here." He mused.

"Oh that's reassuring," she mocked. Then she grimaced and continued, "sorry, I feel like I should be doing everything possible to get home and at the same time I don't really need to hurry back for anything. And neither of which is your fault."

"Does this mean ET still hasn't managed to phone home," came a rasp from behind her.

Samantha swung around so fast she nearly spilt her coffee, "Wade!"

Deadpool flinched, his nerves were stretched thin from lack of sleep and more than one hallucination of her hitting him and even one of her already being gone when he got back. He had stopped only long enough to change into a suit that wasn't blood soaked and full of holes but otherwise he was feeling pretty damn travel worn. Their layover in London when the crews switched out had stretched to three hours due to weather delays and thanks to the delays and time change he wasn't even sure what day it was. The fact that she hadn't said anything but his name was making him even twitchier.

"Deadpool," Stark acknowledged, "I'd really like to know how exactly you manage to get into my tower without tripping any of the security protocols."

Deadpool regarded him lazily for a moment before shrugging. "I could tell you but then I'd have to kill you. And since the Coyote needs you to get home I guess I won't tell you."

Stark looked like he was about to argue so Sam cut him off by finally breaking away from the island counter and coming around it to put a hand on Deadpool's chest. "How was your trip?" It seemed like a good compromise between the two thoughts she was having.

(How the hell did you think not waking me to say goodbye was acceptable?!)

(Thank god you're home because I have missed you more than I can say!)

Which she just realized that Deadpool could easily see above her head.

(Fuck my life.)

Despite still being in work mode, was he ever really not in work mode, he allowed himself to relax a hair at Sam's touch. It didn't last more than a moment. A voice behind him made him jump, drawing a katana he tucked Samantha behind him and whirled to find Captain America, Pepper, and Dr. Banner. Although since Cap was dressed in civilian attire he might better be referred to as Steve, his tired brain didn't really care which right now anyway. From behind him he heard Stark mutter, "Someone needs to switch to decaf."

"Decaf is an abomination unto the Lord" Deadpool replied without turning. Above and behind him Pink silently agreed

(Decaf is for the weak)

Cap held up his hands in a placating gesture and repeated himself. "I said good morning Deadpool"

"What morning is it again? And I'm not sure that good should ever be applied to it. Is it Thursday, I said I'd be back Thursday right?" Deadpool was starting to mumble to himself.

"Yes it's Thursday, although I don't believe you mentioned to me when you thought you'd be getting back," Cap answered him calmly, trying to not provoke the mercenary.

[We sent the flowers to Sam, not him. So he wouldn't know what day we're supposed to be back.]

{They were all red and black and Deadpool-y.}

Deadpool cocked his head to consider whether or not it was a trick when Sam huffed and pushed him out of her way. "Put the sword away, I promise you that they aren't here for you or for me. You're standing in the way of breakfast. Most important meal of the day after all." Squeezing around him she grabbed his wrist and tugged him out of the way and further into the lounge.

{This isn't a very defensive position.} He slid the sword away anyway.

[No tactical training what so ever.]

"How much sleep did you get on your trip?" She asked, studying the tense set of his muscles and the watching the boxes argue about tactics.

"Does being unconscious count?" Deadpool was willing to count it but he had a feeling that she wouldn't.

"No." She pushed him towards the sofas, angling him so that she had him backing up against it and forcing him to sit.

(Hell no!)

"Well then I caught about an hour or two of sleep on Monday. What day is this?" He responded, somewhat distracted by the fact that he was now sitting on a sofa.

She pursed her lips as if she had heard something that didn't agree with her and then sat down on his left knee. It was easy enough to do considering Deadpool tended to always sit like he was straddling a chair backwards. "It's Thursday morning," she glanced at her watch, "almost 8:30."

{We're not tired}

[Really we don't need that much sleep, and besides we were unconscious yesterday, or was it this morning for a few hours.]

{Oh and Tuesday too, because we got shot in the head.}

"You got shot in the head?!" Her tone was decidedly unhappy sounding.

He nodded his head enthusiastically.

[Twice]

{He did it the second time to shut us up. He's obviously an asshole.}

Samantha couldn't help herself, she cringed, "And you shot yourself in the head why?"

"It was the only way to get them to be quiet without duct tape. I like duct tape, I even like the sound it makes when I say it." He rambled a bit.

(Oh sweetheart you so need some sleep.)

"I'll go to bed if you go with me," he leered at her. At this point neither of them was paying any attention to Pepper or the three Avengers still standing behind Sam in the lounge.

Pepper was the first to say something, "Is it just me or are we missing key parts of this conversation."

"They seem to be following it just fine," Cap answered, staring at the two of them.

"If Loki was a bag of cats, this guy is a bag of ferrets," Bruce ventured.

"I'm going to need to call Professor Xavier to come see them do this," Tony breathed.

"How about I make you a deal, we go home, you take a shower, I'll make breakfast while you do that and then we can watch something on TV. Because you my friend need to relax before you give someone else a heart attack," she suggested.

"Breakfast burritos and _Golden Girls_ ," he countered.

"So long as you acknowledge Betty White as completely superior," she teased.

"Careful Dixie Chick, those are fighting words…" he growled.

She snorted completely unconcerned. "I'll tell you what since you're all worked up I'll let you have this today but we will revisit this topic."

"Are you trying to manage us?" he asked.

"If you mean am I trying to get you to do what I want, then yes. But what I want you to do is eat some breakfast and take a nap. So not exactly a dastardly plan." She cocked her head and studied him, "besides was there something else you would prefer to do?"

Stark startled them both by answering "Not anything the rest of us want to hear about!"

Samantha turned to look over her shoulder and Deadpool tensed ready to get up and kick his ass but he was loathe to tip Sam off his knee. Neither was required to move however as Pepper came to their rescue.

"Anthony," Pepper warned him, "leave them be," and she prodded the others back into the kitchen. "I'll see you two tomorrow," she called, reminding Sam that she was proctoring her exam the next day.

Samantha turned once more to Deadpool, "Come on let's go grab that breakfast." Standing she grabbed his hand and hauled him to his feet. "Am I correct in presuming Taco Y is in my future?"

"It's on the way, and it's good." He was standing almost on top of her because she hadn't backed up when she pulled him up. Deadpool was sorely tempted to reach out and grab her for a kiss but he wasn't sure she wouldn't slap him for it, and he hadn't showered since Sunday morning. Most of the blood had been on his costume but that didn't negate the sweat and dirt from hanging out on the horn of Africa.

[At least this one doesn't have any holes in it.]

{That mask is a total loss, and it's possible you smell worse than we think. And that's pretty damn bad.}

Sam's lips twitched and she resisted the urge to laugh. "You smell like leather and sweat, and gunpowder. So not horrible, although I wouldn't argue with you if you decided to take a shower before watching the _Golden Girls_ with me."

Sam kept a worried eye on Deadpool as they made their way back towards his apartment. Deadpool was twitchy and randomly singing lyrics as they popped into his head. Above him his boxes were just as chaotic taunting each other and him. Part of her thought this was probably when he was at his most dangerous, and part of her just wanted to hold him close till he quieted. It did help to some degree that she could follow the entire conversation, because without being able to see the boxes she would have thought he was insane. Well more insane than he was.

By mutual agreement they grabbed breakfast to go and continued on their way to the apartment. The foil the burritos were wrapped in would keep them warm, and she really didn't want him out around others in this condition. He was one loud noise away from losing his shit. Unlocking the apartment for him she preceded him into the space.

Left to his own devices Deadpool would have eaten first and then probably fallen asleep in his chair while watching whatever mindless show he found on TV. Instead he tossed the bag with their burritos on the counter and headed towards the master bathroom. Calling, "Give me 10 minutes," over his shoulder.

Sam sat down in the sole chair and busied herself by flipping through the channels trying to find something worth watching. Stumbling upon an old rerun of Buffy the Vampire Slayer she paused to watch. Apparently this was the episode where they all decided to break into random song.

Eventually Wade padded back out into the living room wearing a pair of pajama bottoms and a long sleeve t-shirt. Watching the TV for a second he said "Once More with Feeling, wasn't the worst episode ever." Noticing her strange look he continued, "If I'm not working I watch a lot of TV."

Grabbing the sack that contained the burritos he shuffled over to the chair and picked her up out of it so he could sit down. Samantha protested but he just plopped her on his lap and then began to dig through the bag in search of his. He had ordered ten to her two, and Sam was pretty sure he'd end up eating one of her burritos as well.

Samantha considered him for a moment, he was stretched sideways across the chair with his legs sprawled over the side. "Have you considered a second chair, or even a sofa?"

"What's the matter Coyote, not comfortable?" He asked before taking a humungous bite of burrito.

Samantha sighed and slid off of him and down onto the floor. She leaned back into the chair and felt one of his legs shift so his right leg was pressed across her shoulder. Wade dangled a burrito in front of her, which she happily snagged, because she was also starving, although she'd had dinner and she had no idea the last time he ate.

"How was the tower?" He finally asked after inhaling his sixth burrito.

"Quiet, I ran and I studied for the Certified Public Accountant exam. Pepper is going to proctor it for me tomorrow. Otherwise not much was going on. We did watch all of _The Lord of the Rings_ movies because Cap has never seen them." She replied, starting in on her second burrito. "And Anthony, bless him, is still working on finding the hole in space I fell through," she paused, "Am I allowed to ask about your week or is there some sort of secret assassins code that prevents you from revealing how much Somalia sucked?"

He chuffed, "I'm not an _assassin_ , I'm a mercenary, there is a difference. And I can't comment on Somalia or wherever else I may or may not have been. But wherever I was it was hot, and I have no interest in going back anytime soon."

"Explain to me the difference between a mercenary and an assassin? Because don't you both get paid to un-alive people?" She looked up at him? "Or should I just adjust that to 'motivate' people?"

"Mercs do anything for money, guard people, guard stuff, retrieve information or people, and yes un-alive people. Assassins just un-alive people." He explained through a mouthful of his eighth burrito.

"Oh, so what your saying is your multi-talented." She smirked up at him, "I have seen evidence that you can order flowers, a talent that I appreciate. Along with other talents I have noticed and voiced approval of at the time. Although there is one I don't appreciate, which is the ability to sneak out of the bedroom in the middle of the night. I've pondered getting you a bell collar but unlike cats you have opposable thumbs…." Reaching behind her head she poked him in the side

He snorted, "I do have opposable thumbs, and there is no way in hell I'm wearing a bell collar." Retrieving the remote from her he started flipping through the channels till he reached the Hallmark channel. "The Girls come on in a few minutes and I'm going to enjoy proving to you that Bea is superior to Betty in every way."

"Whatever you say handsome, after all you hang on to your delusions, they add to your charm. Ouch! You brat, that was my hair you just pulled!" She turned to glare at him.

Wade ignored her, he was too busy teasing locks of her hair out of the braid it was in. For some reason it seemed to fascinate him. "How long is your hair?" He eventually asked her.

She seemed to consider that for a moment, "If it was straight I could probably sit on it, but it curls so much that it hits right below my shoulders when it's dry. But I usually keep it up so that it doesn't get tangled because brushing it is pure torture."

"You do have a lot of it," he murmured. To Sam it sounded like he was half asleep, which didn't surprise her in the least. In fact, she had been hoping this would happen.

Wade was out before the Girls even came on. One second he was playing with her hair the next both his mouth and his hand was still. Samantha waited a few minutes to see if he'd wake back up but when he didn't she lowered the volume on the TV and slipped out of the living room to go ahead and tackle his desk.

 **Author's Notes**

 **Deadpool's healing time is considered to be part mental because it varies based upon how fast he needs to heal. For instance, he can look dead for hours from a gunshot to the head if he needs to but can also get right back up again if he's in the middle of something. Which is really dang convenient for his comic writers and me.**

 **The actual CPA exam is statewide and can't be rescheduled or proctored. But in the MCU lots of things tend to give way to Stark's money and Pepper's influence. Each state has different requirements for the amount of in job training, and the required amount of continuing education.**


	15. (Flashback) Karaoke

**Woohoo 25 reviews!**

 **For RenTenTen, who wanted to hear about this night out on the town.**

 **(MCU 7 months before Samantha arrives)**

Somewhere in New York City a tall man with blue black hair, a worn pair of jeans and an even more worn pair of cowboy boots walked into a dive bar. His companion had longer hair, a long trench over a jewel toned button down and vest. A spark of red in his eyes hinted at his mischievous nature. They were more than acquaintances, sometimes allies, maybe less than friends. Tonight they were drinking buddies.

Walking into the bar the older man caught the hint of gunpowder, gun oil, and brimstone underneath the normal bar smells of sweat, beer, and smoke. Sure New York had banned smoking in most public establishments, but this bar like many other dark dens didn't seem to give a shit.

"Oh hell, looks like we're not the only ones here tonight. Might as well join them" He said indicating a booth where two men sat. One was wearing a dark green sweatshirt with the hood up over his head. The other was wearing a worn leather jacket, the back of his head, which was visible over the booth sporting a short messy cut.

"Mon Diu, dat mon, he nevar calme. You sure you wanna do dat mis amis?" Came the Cajun accented question.

"Blaze is good people, and Wade isn't too bad if you catch him in a mellow moment." Wolverine grunted out.

" Laissez les bon temps rouler!" Gambit replied, following the Canadian across the bar.

"Fancy seeing you assholes here" Wilson greeted the two as they approached the booth and sat down. He moved over enough to make room for his fellow Canadian and Blaze did the same for Gambit. Deadpool had a whiskey in front of him, but Johnny looked to be just drinking a Sprite.

"Booze still giving you nightmares?" Wolverine asked JB. A grin and a shake of his head was his only answer.

Wolverine waved over the waitress, who looked way too young to be working in a hard place like this. "Hey, get us another round of whiskey, make sure it's the good bottle, and put it on his tab." He jerked his thumb at the scarred figure beside him. She smirked and nodded.

Deadpool was apparently enough of a regular that when she came back, she had brought two more tumblers and a bottle of Makers Mark Cask Strength.

"Jesus Wade, I won't ask what you had to do for that girl to get this sort of service." Wolverine said satisfaction heavy in his voice at the first swallow

"Let's just say her step-daddy isn't playing daddy anymore, hasn't been for a few years now." Wade answered knocking his drink back. "And I'd prefer Old Rip Family Reserve but that's a bitch to find."

Wolverine grunted in acknowledgement and the four of them settled in to talk women, work, and whiskey. Cigar smoke curled upwards from Logan's favorite bad habit. Well it would be a bad habit if it actually had any effect on his lungs.

An hour and another bottle later the atmosphere of the bar shifted as the lights came up on the small stage towards the back of the bar. The four men had a good view from where they sat and Blaze groaned as he saw the karaoke equipment. He knew there was no way in hell that Deadpool was going to sit this out. Johnny himself didn't sing, but he knew that Wade had a pretty good baritone. He would have been surprised to know that Logan's growl of a speaking voice was a hauntingly good baritone that could range into a tenor.

Sure enough Deadpool zeroed in on the microphone and the rest of the equipment. Grabbing Logan's shoulder, he just about vaulted over him trying to get out of the booth and onto the stage.

"Well so much for mellow." Gambit remarked, watching Wade scribble on the sign-up sheet. It even looked like he had roped their waitress into joining him for a song because she was nodding and flipping through the list of available titles.

"Have you ever heard him?" Blaze was leaning back his feet stretched across the booth that Deadpool had just emptied.

"Non, 'aven't had ze pleasure." Gambit answered affably enough.

"He's not half bad when he picks something in his range. Problem is when he gets into a mood and ventures off into the land of Madonna." Logan replied.

"Madonna?" The Cajun shuddered.

Wolverine nodded, "Like a Virgin, worst thing I have ever heard. I had to put my claws into his head to get him to stop that night."

Above them taking it all in was Spiderman. A few hours earlier, he had seen Wilson come into the bar and anywhere Wilson was there was bound to be trouble. So he watched through the skylight keeping tabs on his quarry.

It was shaping up to be a boring night, though because all Deadpool had done was yell a greeting at the bartender and hug one of the waitresses. It seemed like they were old friends. Shortly after the hug he had grabbed one of the larger booths and sat down and ordered drinks.

It looked for all the world like Deadpool was just trying to have a quiet night but Parker knew that Deadpool was incapable of quiet. The peace was shattered 30 minutes later when a monster chopper parked out front. The man who stepped off was wearing a motorcycle jacket and jeans but no helmet. Without bothering to look around he strode into the bar and directly towards Deadpool's booth where he sat down across from Wade and ordered a drink.

It had taken him about 5 minutes to figure out that the guy in the motorcycle jacket was actually Johnny Blaze aka Ghost Rider. The first thought that ran through his head was *It's all going to go to Hell now. Badah …*

Surprisingly the Ghost Rider didn't make an appearance and Blaze seemed happy enough to sit across from Deadpool and joke about what a nice guy like him was doing in a place like this. Spiderman had already noticed that while the bar appeared to be run down, dark and smoke filled it still seemed to cater mostly to the working class versus a truly criminal element. Which made it even stranger that Deadpool was there.

He had almost decided to leave to see if he could stop some true crime when two other people joined them in the booth. Peter couldn't believe his eyes now, Wolverine, Gambit, Deadpool and Ghost Rider where sharing a booth in a bar. Three of them were drinking whiskey and one Sprite. It was like a bad joke set up just waiting to come to life. If these four were going to be together for any amount of time trouble was bound to show up, he just couldn't leave now.

Not surprisingly when Wade bounced back to the table he had signed up for more than one song, including a duet with the waitress. What he didn't tell them was that he had also signed up Logan to sing later as well. Also that tonight was the monthly karaoke competition. He figured the _Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald_ would suit Logan well enough that he wouldn't give him too hard a time about doing it. Besides they should all count themselves lucky that he hadn't signed JB up for _Ghost Rider_ , it was too cliché even for him. Especially since he'd been Penanced Stared once and he didn't want a repeat performance tonight.

Wade's first song was Kenny Rogger's _The Gambler_ , which made Wolverine sigh in relief that he wasn't in some sort of perverse mood tonight. Other patrons tended to get antsy when you put one-foot-long metal claws through someone's head. But _The Gambler_ was perfectly suited to him and even Gambit had to acknowledge he did it well.

When he returned to the booth he poured another tumbler of whiskey and waited for others to perform so he could go back up for his second song. He whistled and clapped for everyone but most of the performers were drunks whose friends teasing had gotten them on stage. One or two were so bad he flinched in sympathy for Logan's hearing.

Two people ended up doing _Ghost Rider_ much to Johnny's displeasure, apparently he had heard the song more than enough times now. Another singer, who was pretty good, did the Skynyrd cover he had been planning on doing. Half an hour later he was back up to do his duet with Stephanie, who had picked out _Jackson_ by Johnny and June Carter Cash. Gambit teased him for that one.

"Youn betta watch out mon ami or that jeune fille' she have you all tied up"

Wade laughed, "That "filly" isn't interested in anyone at this table. Her nice quiet girlfriend goes to school with her at SUNY, and besides her uncle owns this bar and he'd probably take us all on. That's him up at the bar." Wade indicated a large burly man who was busy filling orders.

"And yet he let her near you?" Gambit asked.

"He's the one who hired me six years ago. I ended up taking the gig for free when he explained it to me but I get a kick out of coming back here on karaoke nights." He indicated the bottle on the table, "And as Logan said, the service is always good."

They listened as an older woman belted out _I Need a Hero_ and then Logan's name and song were called. He growled and cursed Wade profusely but the night had been enjoyable and the whiskey was first rate so eventually, with Stephanie's help, Wade convinced him to take the stage.

 _The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald_ was a ballad commemorating an old freighter that had sank under the waves of Lake Superior in a November gale. Logan's rough baritone was perfectly suited to the loss portrayed in the song and there was a roar of applause as he finished and left the stage. Without knowing it he had won the night's competition and would be required to sing a song voted on by the contestants as they signed up.

Wade went back up to close out with _Sweet Home Alabama_ , which he always enjoyed for the sheer irony of it. For his own part he was proud to be from Canada, although if you were to ask him exactly where in Canada he changed the story every time. Even he wasn't sure if it was because he couldn't remember the exact address of if he was just that much of an ass.

When he was done Craig, the owner, came up to announce the winner. He also announced the song that had been voted on for Logan's 'victory lap'.

"Wade I'm goin' to kill you for this." Fortunately given Deadpool's healing factor it was an idle threat.

Peter would remember this night as one of the strangest ones he had ever seen. Watching Wolverine sing _I Don't Wanna Miss a Thing_ was so surreal he almost fell through the sky light.

Thirty minutes later it looked like the party had broken up and the collection of anti-heroes left the bar each bound on their own way. Deadpool on his way out dropped enough money on the bar to cover his tab plus some. Stepping outside he followed the alley around back and looked up. Catching sight of movement on the roof he yelled up, "Hey Spidey, next time just come in, I'll spring for a coke and wings for ya." Whistling the tune to the _Edmund Fitzgerald_ he wandered back down the alley and out into the night.

 **Author's Note(s)**

 **Laissez les bon temps rouler! [lay-zay lay bon tom roo-lay] = Let the good times roll!**

 **My Grammar Wizard was unavailable for this short piece but I hope y'all enjoy it just the same.**


	16. Chapter 16 And One Rubber Chicken

**(Pink)**

 **[White]**

 **{Yellow}**

 **(MCU)**

Samantha was enjoying herself immensely, she had her music on, and was sorting through the mess that was Wade's desk. And oh lord was it a mess, there had to be paperwork from at least five different banks there. All of which appeared to be overseas. She knew all of them had murky laws about financial reporting, for instance they didn't care about where large deposits came from.

One of the statements was at least two years old but assuming he hadn't closed the account she could use the info on the paperwork to get an idea of where he stood financially. Plus, she could always ask him for his passwords when he woke up. For now, she would let him sleep. Even if the account never had another deposit in those two years the ending balance was quite impressive. He might be disorganized but he wasn't poor by any stretch of the imagination.

(Then why does he buy such cheap food.)

"Because he's male." She murmured to herself in answer.

When she had started she just picked up random sheets of paper and starting putting them in stacks based upon where the statement was from. If it was a note written by him she put those in a separate pile. Now she was about a quarter of a way through the mess on top of the desk and she had six piles of paperwork, with newer information on top. There didn't appear to be any sort of order to it, more like he just threw stuff down on the desk and ignored it.

(The mess, the chaos, the debauchery.)

There was now a sixth bank account that was from an American bank but judging by the statements she found from it he only used it to deposit small sums of cash. For instance, last year he had deposited almost $10,000 total but never in an amount larger than $785, at least in the six months she had records for. Conveniently she had located January and December's statements so she knew the beginning and ending balance.

None of the accounts she had found showed any signs of rent being paid out of them so for now she was assuming he paid his rent in cash. How the hell he managed to do that she had no idea, every landlord she knew wanted checks. But then again the post office would give you a money order for cash, so that was probably what he was doing. She supposed it would be easy enough to pay by money order for utilities and rent. Sam hated cash, it was so hard to track, plus since she was currently working on the opposite side of what she normally did. Now she had to make sure that no deposits were flagged in the I.R.S. system. Technically any American bank had to file a Suspicious Activity Report for any cash deposit of $10,000 or more.

Of course they could also do it if the total cash deposits for the year equaled more than that amount but only if they found them to be suspicious. But that would only flag the I.R.S. that income taxes would need to be paid. Deadpool seemed to know this and was deliberately keeping money out of that account.

(Smart bastard isn't he.)

Three hours later and she had unearthed evidence of three other offshore accounts, a account, and a laptop buried underneath all that paperwork. She hesitated for a moment before flipping it open and powering it on. He didn't seem to enjoy people messing with his things.

(What the hell, fixing his mess is what we told him we'd do.)

The laptop itself wasn't very helpful. It had no documents and when she opened up the browser history she found it had been cleared along with all the cookies. Leaning back in the chair she voiced the question out loud. "If I was Wade and I wanted to hide my passwords where would I put them?"

She jumped, banging her knee off the desk, when a sleep roughened voice behind her replied. "They're in the safe in the master closet."

Rubbing her knee, she huffed out. "You know for the Merc with a Mouth you can be amazingly quiet. It's really making me consider the bell collar."

"You know most people tell me to shut up all the time, and here you are encouraging me to make noise." He had been leaning in the doorjamb but now stalked towards her like a large jungle cat. "I see you've been busy this morning." He surveyed the mostly clean desktop.

Deadpool had woken up a few moments earlier and had startled a bit to find himself in his living room chair with the TV on. He vaguely remembered coming home with Sam and having a burrito breakfast but there was no evidence of her or the burritos. But the TV volume was down low which was unusual for him and he now realized he could hear singing, really bad singing. In fact, it sounded like someone was butchering Meatloaf's _Paradise by the Dashboard Lights_ , while being accompanied by Meatloaf. Apparently coyotes couldn't sing.

{It sounds like angels are crying.}

[And not happy tears]

Deadpool padded silently down the hall to the second bedroom. There he stopped in the doorway and watched as Sam busied herself at his desk. She was listening to a mixed playlist on her tablet and was alternately singing and humming along, both badly off key. She seemed to be in a good mood though and that made him smile. She hadn't bothered to put her hair back up and every once in a while she ran a hand through it distractedly.

Judging by the surface of his desk she was trying to gather his paperwork into some sort of orderly system. She also had his laptop, that he used for checking his online balances, up and was poking around trying to find something on it.

"If I was Wade and I wanted to hide my passwords where would I put them?"

He made a face in sympathy when he heard her leg bang off the desk when his response made her jump out of the chair. But it changed to a smirk when she threatened him with a bell collar.

[Didn't she do that earlier?]

Nearly on top of her now he looked down and smiled, only partly because he could see down her shirt.

{Ooooh, a red bra today!}

"Keeping yourself busy I see," he crowded her backwards till she was sitting on the desk she had just tidied.

(Yes red and the panties match.)

"I seem to remember warning you I was going to tackle this mess at some point." She licked her lips as she looked up at him. "And I didn't realize you had a safe in the closet, or you would have found me trying to crack that thing."

"Oh, I didn't realize that safe cracking was one of your talents," he murmured reaching out to twist a strand of her hair around one scarred finger.

{Singing definitely isn't!}

She hissed in a breath at that and glared at him.

(Johnathan said the same thing.)

For some reason that Wade refused to ponder he didn't much like being compared to her sainted husband. Well he assumed sainted, the guy had managed to marry her after all. He was distracted from that unpleasant thought by her next comment.

"I don't suppose the combo is 1-2-3-4-5?"

Smiling to let her know he knew what she was referring to, he answered, "Nah, that's my luggage combo."

She quirked a smile at him and then surprised him by wrapping a leg around behind him and drawing him nearer to her. "Feeling better after your nap?"

"Yeah, how long was I out?" He rumbled leaning in closer to her upturned face.

"Oh about four hours or so, long enough for me to make some sort of sense of this mess. Which reminds me, exactly how many accounts does one highly skilled mercenary need?" she drawled.

{Oh we definitely have skill sets we're willing to explore with you…}

(Do tell.)

Wade rocked the final inch forward to kiss her then, and that's when she realized she hadn't really kissed him yet. Sure she had nibbled and kissed more than one location on his body but she hadn't kissed him on the mouth at all. His lips were rough and chapped and there was definite demand in that kiss but beneath the demand was something much softer. Something much more like a note of pleading, and that note called her down into the depths like a siren. Samantha hummed a bit and wrapped her hands around his neck drawing him in closer, deepening the kiss. Her heart stuttered in her chest and then raced forward and the last thought she had in her head before her brain turned off was.

(We are in so much trouble.)

Wade didn't realize he had picked her up and was carrying her towards the bedroom until he was through the master bedroom door and about to toss Sam onto the bed. He was as hot-blooded as any guy and he could remember wanting hundreds of women but this one was like a need. He'd do anything she wanted so long as she kept making that whimpering noise in the back of her throat.

Samantha was doing her level best to pull Wade's clothes off while still remaining wrapped around him. Growing frustrated with the fact that she couldn't free him of his t-shirt unless he put her down she grabbed the collar and ripped. He chuckled into her mouth and pulled back enough to say.

"I see someone is feeling greedy. Maybe I can do something to help you out with that?"

"Just do me a favor and don't pull a disappearing act after like last time, I like Natasha but she was not who I was hoping to wake up to the following morning," she admonished.

"I make no promises… Well except that you'll be screaming in the next 15 minutes." He then dropped her on the bed and admired how her assets bounced when she hit the bed.

[Assets, it's funny because she's an accountant.]

(If you can think then you're not doing it right.)

He growled a bit at that, but he couldn't argue the logic of that statement, especially since he had used it on her only a few days ago. Instead he joined her on the bed and did his best to fulfill his promise to make her scream. Her blouse and shorts soon went flying but he paused to admire the matched set she had on underneath.

"I thought you might like the red," she teased.

"It is part of my signature look," he agreed.

Samantha hummed, "I do love you in leather, all armed and dangerous. But at this point I'd prefer you weren't wearing anything."

"There we go being greedy again," he mocked.

"You said something about 15 minutes?"

That earned her a nip to the inside of her left knee. From there he kissed a trail upwards towards the lace at her hips. She was squirming beneath him as his breath, tongue, and teeth woke up all the nerves along the path he traversed. Sam sighed as he ran a finger underneath the lace's edge. She made a grab for his shoulders but he caught her wrists and stretched to pin them above her head.

Wade eyed her for a minute as if debating how obedient she could be but let her go when she nodded her head. "Move and I'll tie you up," he threatened. Sam for her part just licked her lips and nodded again. Wade guessed he'd either have to actually tie her up or find another threat to hold her in place but for now it'd work.

Sam hissed out a breath but managed not to move as Wade devoted his time to kissing and exploring every inch of her not covered by red lace and satin. Well she managed not to move her hands and her arms but her hips wiggled in invitation and she certainly couldn't stop the way her inner muscles clenched in anticipation.

Wade was testing the bounds of both their patience by the time he worked her now sopping panties down over her feet. Stretching back up to kiss her he shuddered as his shaft slip up against her glistening slash. Her clit already free of its hood caused her to buck involuntarily as he rubbed against it.

Samantha would have cursed him at this point but she was too busy returning his kisses and simultaneously trying to impale herself on him. Breaking away from her lips he slid back down her to his real prize. Applying himself to keeping his promise he hooked her knees up over his shoulders and set to work.

Sam was so wet that his two rough fingers slid in with no resistance what-so-ever, he burrowed them through to apply pressure to her G-spot using a come her motion. Wade alternated between licking her clit and sucking on it to push her over the edge. He knew she was skimming on the edge by the way her thighs tightened around his head and her hips arched off the bed forcing his fingers in deeper and applying more pressure to her over sensitized clit.

With one last curl of his fingers inside her he felt Sam shatter like glass. It was probably a good thing that the walls between the apartments were solid brick for fire isolation because she was just as loud this afternoon as she had been the other night.

Not giving her a chance to recover he came to his knees keeping hers hooked over his shoulders and drove forward replacing his fingers with something much, much larger. He was big enough and she was tight enough that it would have hurt if she hadn't been so worked up and wet.

Her hands were miraculously still above her head offering her no leverage so with every thrust she rocked a bit higher onto the bed. He solved that issue by grabbing her hips in a vice like grip while continuing to drill forwards. It was rough and they were both enjoying the hell out of it. Wade was mindlessly glad he didn't have to hold back for fear of hurting her. Judging by the delightful noises she was making every time he ground into her she was enjoying it as much or more so than he was. Between her noises and the intense clenching her internal muscles were doing around his dick he was going to be lucky if he lasted much longer, his rhythm was already turning erratic.

Looking into her green eyes he saw the instant her second orgasm hit dragging him down with her. Wade let out his own hoarse yell as her quivering muscles milked all his seed from him. Collapsing on top of her he kissed the tip of her nose. "See promise kept" he panted out.

Samantha hummed her ascent but otherwise made no comment. Wade looked down their bodies to see where a bruise shaped like his hand was melting off her hip. Swinging his head back around to look in her eyes he asked worriedly "I didn't hurt you did I?" He hadn't thought he could but White spoke up then.

[You can hurt her just like anyone else, difference is she'll get back up.]

{Eventually}

Samantha stretched beneath him and the motion made him refocus his attention on her. "I'm not hurt," she reached up and grabbed his chin, "and was not hurt at the time. What I was, was moaning, twitching, and begging. So ignore the idiots. And do it again…" With that she rolled and flipped him so that she was sitting astride him with his member still deliciously buried in her.

Sometime later Wade sighed contentedly as he traced patterns along Samantha's back. She had eventually lost the bra and he had free access to every freckle she had. They made for a lovely constellation that he was mapping out as she half dozed beside him. Even the boxes seemed content and relaxed.

Samantha stirred a moment later to roll onto her back and twine her fingers with his. "What time is it?" She mused as she traced a ridge of scar tissue along the top of his hand.

"I'm not sure but I'm thinking well past lunch time." He answered her, still too content to mind her attention on his scarring.

"If that's an attempt to get me to get up and make you a sandwich you should have thought about that before you shut down every nerve in my body," she quipped.

"I'll keep that in mind next time your begging me for more." He teased, drawing her hand up to nibble on the pad of her thumb.

Samantha made a noncommittal noise but then heaved herself upwards. Glancing towards the clock on the bedside table she noted it was three in the afternoon. Running a hand through her curls she made a disparaging noise when it snagged in some snarls about halfway down.

"It could be worse Princess; you could have my hair." He joked. He flinched slightly when she turned around to rub a hand over his scalp.

The amount of conditioning it would take to make someone flinch away from another made her heart ache. "Wade I know you may not hear this often, but there is a whole spectrum of touches between hitting and sex. If I'm here for very long, I'm going to make it my mission to convince you of that, at least in this apartment. And I'm also going to get it through that handsome skull of yours that I DO NOT mind the scars at all."

Sliding off the bed she retrieved her panties and snagged a t-shirt poking out of his open dresser drawer. Not looking back, she strode into the kitchen to fix herself something out of the fridge. Wade joined her shortly thereafter, his only concession to her comments being that he was wearing a short sleeved t-shirt versus a long sleeved one. Knowing how much that cost him she refrained from making it a bigger deal by drawing attention to it.

"What would you like for lunch? Or do you just want to skip it and have a ridiculously early supper?"

"It's way too early for dinner, but I seem to remember someone volunteering to make sandwiches." He said, hopping up to sit on the counter.

{Barefoot, sexed up, and making us a sandwich. We should keep her}

Something about that line made Wade freeze. "I know this is probably a shitty time to bring this up but if you were hoping I'm infertile that's not the case."

Samantha blanched a bit but shook her head. "No worries, I had my tubes tied right after I had Wyatt. So your safe from that particular complication."

"Oh, well that's good because condoms suck!" He replied cheerfully.

"Yes well I'm so pleased that I could save you from the fate of unwanted children versus condoms," came her hurt reply.

[You idiot, she had kids, that she misses!]

{Oh yeah, we forgot, mostly because of the abs.}

They were prevented from digging any deeper a hole by a plate slamming down next to his thigh. She leaned into his ear and bit him just a little harder than she normally would, "You're an ass, now enjoy your sandwich. I'm going to go and take another whack at organizing that desk." Each word was carefully enunciated, all hints of her customary drawl missing. Taking her own lunch with her she retreated to the second bedroom.

"Shit" Wade muttered as he watched her stalk away.

[Deep shit.]

{Was it the abs comment do you think?}

Samantha wasn't sure if she was pissed at him for being an insensitive jerk or…

(We're just pissed because for a second we completely forgot about the boys.)

Maybe a bit of both.

(No point in being mad at him for being what he is.)

Deadpool figured the smartest thing he could do was keep himself out of her way while she banged around paperwork. He wasn't sure how you could actually slam paperwork but she was managing to do it. Well no time like the present to clean his guns and reorganize his pouches.

When he finished with his guns, which he had scarcely used this trip he grabbed his utility pouches and dumped them out on the floor. He'd already tossed his old burner phone as soon as he had set foot back on American soil but he had forgotten about the stacks of money he had pulled from Dada's desk. The crisp stacks of American 100's fell out along with the bullets he had removed from Dada's gun. The shells were .45s and he'd stick them in one of the ammo cans in the spare bedroom. He should probably ask Sam what she wanted him to do with the cash as well. At least he had managed to get only a little blood on one of the corners.

At the last minute he remembered to grab the list of accounts and passwords for her as well. Maybe messing around with his overseas accounts would cheer her up. Honestly he had no idea how much money was in them most of the time because he paid for most of his living expenses in cash. His landlord certainly didn't mind keeping this apartment in his name and paying all the utilities for the extra 5k a month he received. Although come to think of it he should make sure that Uncle Sam had actually paid him the remainder they owed him. He certainly didn't work for free.

He actually maintained an account just for government jobs so that they had one that they could keep an eye on and hopefully not pay attention to his others. Weasel knew which deposit information to give based upon who was hiring but he'd have to explain it to Sam. Then again maybe not, she'd probably figure it out once she got into the accounts.

While he was in the master closet he grabbed one of the burner cells he purchased in bulk and put it on to charge. He'd text Weasel his new number later. For right now he was happy not to have another job lined up. Besides the burners that he kept a few other items in his safe including; passwords, a few bars of gold, some jewels, and a rubber chicken. A majority of his cash he kept in various weapons caches both here in New York and other cities around the globe.

A few seconds later he popped his head into the second bedroom to see if she was still pissed at him. The banging at least had stopped, which he guessed was a good sign. "So have I convinced you I'm an asshole yet?" he ventured.

"Oh I stopped being mad shortly after I realized you can't help your idiocy. What with being cursed with an overabundance of testosterone." She swiveled in her chair to regard him. "Also I used the laptop to order a dining table, so there is that."

[I'm not sure if we should be relieved or terrified.]

(Oh definitely terrified, it's in a very French chic design.)

"What the hell is French chicken?" He queried sounding annoyed.

{Is the chicken French or just clucks in French?}

"It's _chic_ , not chicken. And it basically means a table that is made of wood and has some distressed white paint on it. Sort of like it's been in use for about a 100 years." She explained, still sounding slightly huffy. "And you'll find that I tend to shop my emotions rather than eat them. It'll stop me from trying to kill you every time you act male. Besides you need a table."

Surprisingly this just made him smile, he was used to people being angry at him. "So no glass piece of shit then? And I wouldn't waste your time trying to kill me, unless you're going to try and do it with sex. In which case I'll happily console you every time you fail."

(And we're back to the overabundance of testosterone…)

Samantha blew out a breath and eyed Deadpool for a moment. "Did you want something besides to remind me why I need to get back into yoga? Because clearly you are going to raise my stress levels to the point where I'm going to either slap you, which I'm sure that I'll regret, or the test the limits of my healing ability by giving me an aneurysm."

{We like yoga pants!}

[She's not wearing any pants right now.]

Deadpool looked down and realized that White was right, she was still only wearing her underwear and his t-shirt.

[Probably a bad time to hand her the cash…]

"Cash? Oh that's right you get paid in cash," she crinkled her nose.

"What's the matter Princess, you don't like cash?" he asked, bopping her on the nose. "And no I got paid by electronic transfer, this is just the bonus."

"Bonus huh, and is that blood?" She asked poking at the corner of one of the stacks of cash he held in his hand.

(They are large hands.)

"That's because they match my…"

"Nose, feet, egomania..." she interrupted.

"Those too," he agreed, happy to see she wasn't pissed at him anymore. "And yes that's blood, but if it makes you feel any better it's my blood, …probably."

"Why would it being your blood make me feel any better?" She cocked her head to the side as if thinking about it, "Although you're strangely right that's somewhat less disgusting than an unknown person's blood. Well unknown in theory anyway. And oooh passwords, now that is something I will enjoy." She snatched the paper out of his hands and spun back around in her chair reaching for the laptop.

"Have I mentioned how strangely erotic slash horrifying it is how excited you get about money." He was now draped over the chair nearly resting his chin on her head.

"Not the money, I could care less about the money, I like the math behind the money." She corrected bringing up a browser window, "And do you need to check and see if you got paid for this week?"

"Hmm, yeah, Cayman's" he murmured watching her type. "Should be two deposits of half a million each."

"Well you got paid then, on Monday and again this morning. How nice and orderly of them. I'm assuming by the transaction note that this was a job that someone legitimate actually authorized. It's too boring to be anything but government. So I would say that this is your I.R.S. account, and that the others are all for various other bits of work that you'd prefer not to remind them that you do." She looked up smiling at him after scanning the transactions that showed up in the account history.

"You were right, you're not just a pin-up." He teased her, secretly impressed at how quick she could read between the lines of transactions.

"Don't push it." She drawled, resuming her studying of the transaction summary. "I see money coming in but I don't see any money going out, which is going to flag the I.R.S. that you have at least one other source of income. And your domestic account isn't going to convince them that you are living off of that. So unless you keep another account that you let them know about this isn't really going to stop them from being able to hit you with tax evasion. And yes I know your Canadian, that just means you have to pay taxes to both countries in order for them to willingly ignore the other seven accounts. Technically if you were American you couldn't even legally have an offshore account but I'm not sure that Canada cares. I could look it up but I'll just assume they also don't like it either."

"You want me to pay taxes to Canada and America?!" He sounded appalled.

"Just on the income in this account, and I want you to use it more often so it looks like you might actually be living off this money. I mean it's not going to fool S.H.I.E.L.D or the I.R.S. but it'll make them much more likely to turn a blind eye to the others. Besides I don't think you'll miss the money." She reasoned. "Just take a couple thousand out a month and spend it on whatever. Or burn it if that will amuse you."

"And what exactly would you have me spend it on? I buy everything with cash or gift cards if it's online. Or I use an account I'm reasonably sure they don't know about. But I don't exactly want them tracking packages delivered here." He argued.

"Just pull it out in cash and spend it the same way you do any other cash you have. Doesn't really matter to me. I'm just pointing out that they know you don't live on air alone so if you aren't 'spending' money they pay you they're going to draw the super obvious conclusion that someone else is. Which I would say that everyone knows anyway but why make it easy for them to prove." She closed out the account and brought up the others as they appeared on the paper.

Samantha wasn't really looking for how much money he had but more of a sense of how he spent his money and which accounts he actually used versus just held. Turns out he really only used two regularly, one out of Switzerland and one out of Russia. Although there was sporadic activity on all of them that seemed to correspond to when he was in the same region as where the bank was held. Satisfied she made sure she was logged out of everything and then deleted the browser history on the computer just as he apparently did every time he used it.

"I assume you use some sort of system to keep your IP from being traced?" She guessed, tilting her head to look up at him again. He merely nodded.

Sam slowly turned the chair around, giving him time to get out of the way. Not that Deadpool was inclined to move much, with her sitting in the chair and him standing she really was at a perfect height for one of his favorite activities.

{Oooh makeup sex!}

[Probably not going to happen.]

"Uh no, how about I study for the CPA exam that I take tomorrow, while you find some way to entertain yourself. And then in a few hours I'll make dinner, and you can ponder the number of ways you can apologize with _your_ mouth without actually speaking." She quirked a brow at him.

[So that is a yes on makeup sex, just not now?]

(Yes.)

"Deal," came his enthusiastic reply. 


	17. Chapter 17 All Apologies

(Pink)

[White]

{Yellow}

(Samantha's Dream)

This time around Samantha knew she was dreaming. It was just a tad bit surreal, she knew she was in a real place just that she wasn't really here right now. Maybe it was a memory dream because she seemed to be checking into the hotel she'd never actually stayed at in Atlanta. It was a bland lobby, just what you'd expect at a moderate priced hotel chain, and she was standing in line to check in. In the line with her were people that looked like they were other runners which made sense because the hotel she had chosen had been a host hotel for the race.

Coming to the front of the line she saw the clerk. It was an older gentleman that looked exactly like Stan Lee. He looked so much like him in fact she felt compelled to comment on the fact.

"I know you must here this an awful lot, but you look exactly like Stan Lee. I mean my goodness if my boys were here right now they'd be begging for an autograph." They seriously would have been.

"I do hear that from time to time. Where are you boys at now? Home with your husband?" He answered kindly as he passed her the form to sign.

"Oh no, they uh passed away a few years ago now. I just can't seem to wrap my head around it yet." She murmured filling out her name and driver's license information.

"That's a real shame, what were their favorite characters?" He didn't seem to be in any rush to get her through the line.

"They loved the Avengers." She answered him, smiling wistfully, handing the form back over to him.

"And your favorite character, Samantha?" He asked glancing at the form.

"Deadpool," she answered without hesitation, "I used to like him for the mouth, and well the whole bad boy thing. But now I think I like the fact that he keeps on getting up and trying again, and laughing instead of curling into a ball and screaming. I think I need that in my life right now."

"I can see that, he definitely has a knack for taking the hit and getting back up. Well now I really hope you enjoy your stay." Something in his tone seemed off on the last part, more like he was saying goodbye for a long time versus checking her into a hotel. She smiled and thanked him and then turned towards the elevator to head up to her room.

From there the dream faded out and she slipped deeper into sleep.

(MCU)

A couple weeks had passed and Samantha and Deadpool had settled into a routine. He was home more than she would have thought. Usually watching TV or playing a video game, but sometimes reading. When he did take a job, which he had on a handful of occasions, it was usually local and he'd drop her off at the tower for a few hours. Sam didn't mind because it gave her a chance to get out of the apartment and spend some time with Pepper and Natasha. Sometimes Jane and Darcy where there as well and they all seemed to have formed a 'I survive daily insanity' club.

Samantha was still waiting for the results of the CPA exam to come in but she felt really good about it. She had passed it on her first try in her reality and she was fairly confident that she had done as well or better this time around. Sam also used her time at the tower to keep tabs on how Anthony was doing trying to find her 'space door'. She probably should have kept at him more about it but she was enjoying herself too much in this dimension to be all that fussed about hurrying back to her empty condo.

Not that living with Deadpool was exactly easy, he was loud, couldn't be still, and usually shared the same humor as a 14-year-old boy. Despite that, or maybe because of that, when he chose to be sweet he delighted her. If she had sat down and thought about it she would have agreed that he paid more attention to her than her husband had. He had known after just one morning how she liked her coffee, knew intuitively what sort of run she wanted when they headed out, and he would frequently throughout the day pop into her personal space. Whenever he did that it was ostensibly to poke her or pester her about something but he really seemed to just enjoy being close to her.

A rainy Saturday morning in late July found them both in the living room. Wade was sitting on the floor directly in front of the chair playing Call of Duty with gusto. Sam was curled up on the chair above him, reading the _Economist_ on her tablet, with one leg draped over his shoulder. It wasn't exactly quiet since Wade was cursing a blue streak at some other player but Sam just let the noise wash over and around her, every once and a while she would chuckle when he got particularly inventive.

"Are you winning or losing down there?" She asked after a reference to someone's mother and a physically impossible sexual act.

"Winning, of course." He ground out as he maneuvered through the game.

Sam was just about to point out that it didn't sound like it when her phone rang. Sighing she levered herself up out of the chair and strolled to the kitchen counter where she had left it. Hopefully it was Pepper calling to ask if she wanted to grab lunch or something. Instead a picture of Iron Man flashed up on her screen. Groaning she answered it.

"Hello Anthony, have you found any answers yet?"

"Not a one Coyote, but I do have a couple of questions. Can you and Deadpool head over to the tower. I managed to get Wolverine down here and I want to run some comparisons. Not going to lie it may not be entirely pleasant but I feel the data I'll get will be worth it." He seemed almost giddy.

"Now when you say unpleasant do you mean it'll hurt or are you referring to the fact that I'll be trapped in a lab with you, Logan and Deadpool?" She grimaced at that thought.

"Come on over and find out. I have fresh coffee and JARVIS can order in whatever for lunch." And with that he hung up.

"Did I hear you mention Wolvie?" Wade asked from behind her. He seemed excited at the idea of having a chance of pestering his 'friend' so Samantha nodded her head.

"I take it that means you're willing to put up with Stark for a few hours in order to make Wolverine put up with you?" She guessed.

"Put up with? Ol' Logan LOVES me!" he was nearly vibrating in place now. "Just let me change and we'll head over." Deadpool still refused to wear anything but his uniform even though he'd been in the tower over a dozen times in the past month.

"I notice you didn't bother to tell her that I would also be in attendance." Professor Xavier commented as Stark hung up the phone with Samantha.

"Yeah about that, I want you to be able to observe the two of them without them knowing you're here first. I'll set you up in another room with a direct camera feed into the lab, but those two don't hold normal conversations. Honestly it's like you only hear about a third of the conversation spoken but they hear the missing parts."

"So you want me to check and see if Ms. Wiley has some sort of telepathic ability? And do you have reason to believe she would try to hide this ability?" Professor X questioned him.

"I have no idea, but if she's a telepath it might explain how she knows certain things. She could just be pulling memories from us and either not know it and be caught up in some delusion. Or she does know and she's using it somehow. Because I have been looking for weeks and I can't find a way she got from this dimension from what she tells me is hers." Stark reasoned.

"You realize that mind control doesn't work on Deadpool. Sure I can read his mind, as it is right now but it shifts constantly so even if she has telepathic powers she wouldn't be controlling him. And you mentioned in our conversation over the phone that Deadpool seems more stable as of late." Proffessor X seemed to be considering the possibilities. "I suppose observing her will do no harm but I don't get the sense that she's here for any other reason than she states."

"Have you already been monitoring her?" Stark asked surprised.

"No, but I have spoken to Pepper, Dr. Banner, Captain Rodgers, and the other inhabitants of your tower and she seems to have made a good impression on everyone. She hasn't asked for anything besides a way home has she?" The professor asked. "And I believe I even heard that she offered to pay you for your research which you declined. But as you say it never hurts to check these things out."

"So when was the last time you saw Wolverine?" Samantha asked as Deadpool hummed _All Apologies_ on the ride up in the elevator.

"Couple of months, ran into him a while back on a thing in Nevada. Which he should remember assuming he hasn't been shot in the head since then." Wade answered spinning in place. "He's fun, although honestly he's about as friendly as a PMSing silverback gorilla. Almost as much hair as well."

"I will never understand men and their concepts of friendship." Samantha laughed, watching him twirl in circles.

[You don't have to understand the ride to enjoy it.]

{And we know you love this ride}

Wade swiveled his hips for emphasis.

"Perhaps the answer is that none of you are actual adults, take you for example. I'm pretty sure there is a 14-year-old kid in there inhabiting a grown man's body."

(Definitely grown.)

Deadpool flexed and struck a pose just as the elevators opened up to admit them into the lounge. Samantha still laughing patted his chest and stepped out. "Hey y'all, we're here." She called as she stepped out and into the lounge.

Hawkeye was the only one in the lounge, and he glanced up from the TV as they walked towards him. "Hey, Tony and Wolverine are down in Lab 3. Everyone else is out and about."

"Hey yourself Bird-boy, you look like you just woke up from a nap." Deadpool poked at him taking in the sweats and t-shirt.

"I got in at 5 actually, Wolverine arrived last night and demanded to know where the nearest decent bar was. I didn't realize when he said decent he meant deepest pit of hell he could find. If Tony had been here, when Logan got in, he probably would have gone along as well but he and Pepper had a thing last night." Clint explained clutching his mug of coffee tighter to his chest. "Remind me not to try and outdrink someone with a healing factor"

"Lightweight," Wade quipped at him. "So I'm assuming that Wolvie is in a good mood then."

Hawkeye just waved him off and slumped back down into the sofa.

"Come on tall, dark, and sarcastic, let's go down to the lab and see what the heck Tony has cookin'." Sam turned and headed back for the elevator.

{Notice she didn't say handsome.}

[Probably because he's not, but he is sarcastic.]

"I didn't say you weren't handsome, I said you were sarcastic, they are not mutually exclusive. And I seem to remember admiring a certain leather and spandex clad person on the ride up here." Sam reached for his gloved hand and tugged him along into the elevator. Hawkeye just shook his aching head. He for one, would never understand what Coyote saw in Deadpool, but hey, they seemed happy.

Thanks to the towers extensive technological upgrades, it only took a moment for them to reach the level for Lab 3. JARVIS let them in immediately, and they found Stark directly in front of a huge screen calling up data.

"Hey Coyote, Deadpool, I'm just calling up some older results I got from you already and comparing them to what I got from Wolverine this morning. You and Wolverine are pretty much tied when it comes to strength but you have him edged out when it comes to reflexes." Stark didn't even bother to look up from his screens.

Yes! Still the Champion" Deadpool yelled raising his arms in the air.

Samantha ignored him taking the time to look around Lab 3. Unlike Lab 4 which was a mostly open space, 3 had a side room attached to it that appeared to be a kitchen. Probably with one of Stark's coffee pots already churning out rich caffeinated goodness. Otherwise there were a few lab tables with various pieces of equipment. Some she recognized like the microscopes but others she had no clue about. She tried not to spend a lot of time in the labs with Stark unless Banner was also around as he tended to act as the genius inventor's conscience. Not that she thought Anthony would deliberately hurt her, he just wouldn't stop to think whether or not something would, before trying it. He tended to get caught up in the moment of discovery.

Deadpool knew the second he walked into the lab that Wolverine was in the side room. Probably opening a bottle of Stark's good scotch. Whether he'd been up drinking all night or not Logan wasn't one to turn down expensive alcohol. And while he did have a better sense of smell than most people he wouldn't have needed it to recognize the scent of stale cigar smoke and cheap beer. Speaking of that smell, beside him Samantha was wrinkling her nose, it was adorable.

"My stars, what is that smell? It's like someone took a dog, forced him to smoke cheap cigars and do a bar crawl." As soon as she voiced the thought she realized what or rather who that smell was.

(Oh damn, he's probably standing behind me at this point as well…)

Deadpool was bent over laughing his ass off as a voice came from the doorway to the side of them.

"We can't all smell like lemon verbena Sweet Cheeks"

(Oh good not behind me, just to the side instead.)

"Hey Logan, this is Coyote, Coyote this is Logan, although most people call him Wolverine. Probably because he smells like one." Deadpool added the last bit un-helpfully.

"Shut up Wade, I'm sure the lady and I can strike up an acquaintance on our own." Logan eyed the trim redhead standing next to Deadpool.

{Over our dead body!}

[Do you mean really dead, or mostly dead? Because we're mostly dead frequently.]

Samantha who had been raised to be a lady put on her 'company' smile and extended her hand. "Hello Logan, I'd be pleased if you called me Samantha, or even Sam."

(Versus say Sweet Cheeks)

Deadpool narrowed his eyes. "So Wolvie, Barton tells me you guys were out all night drinking. You should have called I would have helped you carry the Fledgling back to the tower."

Wolverine snorted "Kid's alright, although he's nearly as mouthy as you are. If I had been saddled with both you I'd have had to drink three times as much." Turning his attention back to Sam he smiled. "Now if you'd been hanging on my arm I could have been persuaded to make an early night of it. What do you think, I could show you a fun time after we finish up here?"

"Oh well, that's sweet of you to offer, but I already have other plans." Samantha tucked in closer to Deadpool's side.

(And a sense of smell.)

{And yet you still put up with us?} Deadpool tugged her in closer, leveling a look at Wolverine.

(It helps that we like you. And you smell like mint and gunpowder instead of cheap cigars and booze.)

Logan frowned, "Wait you and Deadpool are a thing. Jesus I didn't realize you were crazy as a loon. Or do you just have a thing for trouble? I do like a girl who likes trouble."

"Why does everyone assume I'm crazy?" Sam asked exasperated.

{You'll get used to it.}

"Not really, we haven't." Deadpool argued.

"Oh so she's not yours then, you sure you don't want to give it a go then Hot Stuff?" Logan said, intentionally mistaking what Deadpool had been arguing.

(Well bless his heart, I swear he calls me anything but Sam or Samantha again I'm going to let you play with him)

Deadpool grinned at this but it was Stark who caught all their attention when he said. "Sam's not crazy, her attraction Deadpool notwithstanding. And we need to get this testing started so I can have results to look at."

"What exactly is this test going to involve Bub? The Professor was none too clear on what you needed." Wolverine, like Deadpool he wasn't a big fan of labs. The only reason why he was even here being because the professor had requested it. It was also the reason he was trying to see if he could push Sam's buttons.

"Nothing too difficult I just want a DNA sample from you, I already have an analysis of their DNA. And yes the sample will be destroyed immediately after it's analyzed, I already worked that out with Xavier. Then I want to see if your three healing factors react the same way to same stimulus..." Stark explained.

"And what stimulus is it that you plan on using, because I'm sure I just don't speak for myself when I say I have no interest in being poked for your education." Samantha cut him off.

"Well that's a problem, because I have a few options but I don't think they'd be very effective. You see we could pull a _Mythbusters_ and have you sit with your hand in ice water till you can't take anymore. But I don't think Sam would do it for more than 5 minutes and you two," he indicated Deadpool and Wolverine, "would just sit there and drink me out of scotch. We could try running enough current through you to stop your hearts, but Darcy tased Deadpool just the other week and it didn't even drop him. So in order for that to work on the three of you I'd have to divert enough power from the building that then I'd have to worry about electoral interference with the equipment."

(Electrical interference is his concern in this?)

"I know right?" Wade agreed.

"Which leaves me with avenues I don't really want to explore like opening up an injury on an arm or something like that. Frankly that's a whole host of ethics violations I'm not willing to get into. But I'm willing to take suggestions if you guys have an idea." Stark gazed at them hopefully.

"I think I might have a solution to your problem Bub." Wolverine ground out. Both Sam and Deadpool looked at him. "I don't think either of these two are going to like it though."

[Ah shit.] Deadpool started to draw his guns but didn't quite make it.

(Wait what?)

The last thing Deadpool heard before he went down was a 'schick' sound as Wolverines claws cleared his knuckles and went straight through the side of Deadpool's head. Wolverine swung around and caught Samantha through her abdomen with his other set. Sam dropped to the floor bleeding profusely, at least one of his claws had sliced through her liver. She did manage to stay conscious and witness Logan driving his claws into his own liver. Logan however didn't go down just hunched over a bit as his wounds healed almost instantly.

Wolverine seemed to draw in a shaky breath and then straightened. "That never not hurts."

Samantha scooted closer to Wade's side, where she was happy to see his head was healed, however he was still out. "Wade are you alright?" She cradled his head in her lap. Her own bleeding had already stopped as well.

Tony for his part was looking on fascinated but horrified. "Jarvis I hope you're getting all this because I know we won't be doing this again." His hands flew through the air as he brought up various sensor readings.

"Don't worry Toot's he'll be just fine." Wolverine assured her. "It'll only shut him up for a few more seconds and then he'll be back to his annoying self again."

(That's it I'm going to shoot him!)

Samantha eyed Wolverine and then eyed Deadpool's guns, still strapped to his upper thighs. Unfortuanetly she couldn't reach them from where she was sitting and she wasn't about to remove his head from her lap. "Why did you have to hit him in the head?" she ground out.

"Because Sweetheart, if I'd had hit him anywhere else he would have shot me before I could have stabbed you. And that wouldn't have gotten us the results we were looking for. Hell I almost didn't get him in the head in time, he gets faster every time we meet." Wolverine explained.

"Oh for heaven's sake, what is it about my name that you can't say? Is Samantha really that difficult for you?!"

"Nah, just too long." Wolverine waggled his eyebrows at her.

"Try Sam, or Abby, or Abigail, or hell I'll even answer to Coyote but if you call me 'sweet' whatever or 'Toots' one more time I'm going to get up off this floor and…" She was nearly spitting she was so mad.

"Abby?" Wade asked, "and does anyone else have a ringing in their ears?"

Samantha smiled down at him, relief plain on her face. "Abigail is my middle name, my grandmother used to use it because we had another Sam in the family."

"Oh, I like Sam better." He murmured, rubbing at his head.

"That's sweet of you, now can you do me a favor and shoot him in the head?" She flicked a look in Wolverine's direction.

"Normally I'd do it for you but 1. These aren't adamantium rounds so they won't go through his damn thick skull, 2. He'd heal in 30 seconds, and 3. You don't really want me to shoot him your just mad. And trust me it pains me to be the voice of reason."

(FINE!) Wade flinched.

"Trust me Wade, it pains us all when _you're_ the voice of reason." The other Canadian agreed. "And quit whining Baby Cakes, worst that happened to you is you got a little blood on those designer clothes of yours."

Just then the door slid open and Professor Xavier entered. "That'll do Logan, I think I have all the information I need."

{Great who ordered the telepath?}

[Shut up, he can hear us.]

"Wonderful." Wade was on his feet instantly, reaching down automatically to help Sam to her feet as well.

"Good, because I think she's only seconds away from actually trying to find a way to murder me. Stark I hope you got all you needed as well because I'm done for the day. And for what it's worth Sam it wasn't my idea to do this whole thing. Well the stabbing was, figured that was easiest way to get that portion done and over with." Which was as close to an apology as Wolverine was going to give.

Samantha held up her right hand in the universal 'wait a second gesture' and closed her eyes tight as if she had a headache. Opening them again she addressed the room.

"Would someone please tell me why I had to put up with Hugh Jackman's idiot twin" she indicated Logan, "and why I am standing in a puddle of my own blood holding a conversation with two X-men, one Avenger, and Deadpool and the only one of you that isn't on my list for the day is DEADPOOL!" True to form her drawl had gotten deeper the angrier she got.

[Um thanks?]

(Quit while you're ahead Wade…)

"Because I'm brain damaged not brain dead?" He continued on despite the warning.

Samantha ground her teeth.

(Remember hide your crazy and act like a lady)

"Look Sam, I'm sorry, pissing you off wasn't my idea. Stark here had this theory that you were some sort of telepath trying to take down the Avengers so he had the professor come down and observe you while I ruffled your feathers." He jammed a cigar in his mouth but refrained from lighting it.

{Stark better run, before she blows…}

[Too late.]

"ANTHONY EDWARD STARK you had better tell me what he means right this very second or so help me…" Her voice was rising well above her usual octave. She shifted her focus to Xavier "And you, you're supposed to be a nice old man with principles! But no, it turns out that the two rational men are Thing One and Thing Two!"

{Are we one or two?}

"Logan is definitely number two."

"It's a perfectly good theory," Stark defended, "sure you could be from another dimension where this one exists as movies. But it was much more likely that you were just using telepathic powers to make it seem that way. Now granted I couldn't be sure the reason why you would perpetuate such a hoax but you hang out with Deadpool so that doesn't really speak for your moral character, plus you actually seem to understand him no matter how insane he's acting. And I believe I asked you to call me Tony." He finished lamely.

{Ouch}

[He has a point; we're not known for heroics.]

{And he is insane.}

"Enough from you two." Sam bit out. "JARVIS lock down all coffee machines in this tower, override protocol WILEY, it appears that _Tony_ , has had a bit too much caffeine and will not be needing more for the next 48 hours."

"What! No, you can't deny me coffee in my own tower. Come on JARVIS she doesn't even have an override protocol!" Stark was genuinely upset over this turn of events.

"Sir, Ms. Potts provided her with one in the event that she was out of the tower when you quote 'got out of hand'" Replied the AI.

"JARVIS, alert Pepper and Natasha, and pass on my apologies to Clint." Samantha's tone had returned to her normal soft drawl. "Oh and if I remember correctly _Tony_ there is a Starbucks about a block from here. Enjoy your walk."

Wolverine whistled, "I could have warned you Stark, never cross a redheaded woman."

{I think I'm in love.}

[Me too.]

"Me three."

(More or less than you love chimichangas?)

"Hard to say."

[Oh wow, so much for not being brain dead.]

Sam sighed but decided that was a fair assessment of life with Deadpool. She turned back to Xavier and raised an eyebrow at him "So am I a nefarious telepath, bent upon the destruction of the Avengers? Or wrecking the world using my control over the Merc with a Mouth?"

"Did she just call us a tool?" Deadpool mused out loud.

[Seems so. To be fair you picked Mexican food over her.]

(Actually that's not what I meant)

"I wouldn't worry too much over it Wade, she's not going to be the last to do it." Wolverine mused.

(Speaking of tools…)

Xavier cleared his throat and everyone turned to look at him. Oh right she had asked him the nefarious telepath question. Xavier's lip quirked up, reminding her that at least one of them was a telepath.

"Well I'm sure only one of us is a telepath, and I don't think either one of us is nefarious. Although judging by the random thought that just wandered through your head you may not be as sweet as you try to be. Also if you try that you'll likely break your foot when it comes into contact with his pelvis." Xavier almost sounded sympathetic.

Wolverine smirked.

Xavier continued "And since Wolverine has apologized as much as I have ever seen him do you may as well let it go."

Samantha sighed, "I know I know, he's the second best at what he does, and what he does isn't very nice."

Wade couldn't help but laugh and even Wolverine's lip twitched. "I might have said something similar to that once. Although I don't think mine included the 'second' part."

(No doubt.)

{We're first right?}

Samantha bumped his shoulder. "Always."

Tony shook his head in disgust. "Does anyone else see this?"

Wolverine cocked his head and studied the two of them. "Wade how long have you two been in the tower?"

"Uh maybe half an hour, maybe 45 minutes. How long was I out?" He shrugged not really understanding where this was going.

"And how many times have I told you to shut up?" Wolverine asked.

"Once I think, I wasn't really keeping track." Deadpool answered.

Xavier smiled, "I think I have a theory on that as well. And no Anthony it's not actual telepathy. It's more like," he paused seeming to consider the best analogy for his audience, "overlapping radio stations. Most of us operate on a specific frequency and there is little to no overlap worldwide. Now telepaths such as myself can flip through the channels, so we can tune in whomever. These two, for whatever reason, operate on the same frequency. Maybe because Sam isn't actually supposed to be here so they wouldn't normally overlap."

"So wait you're saying that we can hear each other because we share a brain station." Samantha was incredulous. That was his crazy answer?

"Actually that sort of makes sense," Tony cut in, "brains are just bundles of neurons which are really just cells that fire electricity in patterns we're only just beginning to understand. So it's possible that the electrostatic mess we consider consciousness could have a matching energy signature with another electrostatic grouping. Sort of like a mental doppelgänger."

"Let me get this straight, you think Wade Wilson a Canadian mercenary with the grace and manners of a goat on heroin is a mental dopple what-sits to a lady who wrinkles her nose at the smell of cigars and beer." Wolverine indicated the two of them.

"Fuck you Logan, I have tons of grace." Deadpool argued.

[We won't argue the manners part.]

"Oh yeah I can see where you two are friends, one of you compared the other to a PMS'ing gorilla and the other gets called a crack goat." Samantha griped.

"Indeed, but it's not that they think alike. Perhaps more like two different AM station programs. Let's say AM station 83.9 out of Milwaukee plays classical music, but if you travel to Chicago that same radio frequency might bring in a local news station or a rock station. Same radio frequency two completely different programs. Now if you were exactly in between the two broadcast points you could pick up both. They'd overlap, you'd be able to get both programs intermittently with perhaps some static. I would bet good money that they can't hear each other in different rooms, just when they're close enough," Professor X clarified.

"He's right, we have to be able to see each other, it's like textboxes." Samantha confirmed.

"Is it an actual visual phenomenon?" Xavier asked?

"Yes, he has two, a white one and a yellow one, and I don't think either is the main person." Samantha answered.

"Her's is pink, and I'm sure it's her inner sarcasm." Deadpool confirmed.

"Figures it would be pink." Wolverine chuckled.

"Well I am a girl, and a belle." Sam was unapologetic on either point.

"Ok so they can 'see' each other talk, but that doesn't explain why Deadpool isn't driving us all insane." Stark brought up.

"Sex will mellow anyone out." Wolverine reasoned.

Samantha blushed but didn't argue the point.

(Amazing sex.)

Xavier cleared his throat, "I don't think that's the whole story but as Wolverine has pointed out it doesn't hurt."

"Actually _Tony_ , you're nearly as high strung on days when you've worked through the lab instead of sleeping the night before. The only thing that keeps you from forcing Widow to kill you is Pepper." Samantha pointed out.

"Are you saying I'm nearly as bad as Deadpool when I've been working?" He asked incredulously.

"No of course not, I'm saying you're worse. You're manic, hopped up on alcohol and coffee and going off on tangents that only Bruce understands half of what it is you're saying. However, Pepper can get you to relax and then you're almost fun." She told him sweetly

Tony opened his mouth as if to protest but decided against it when he remembered the party he had fought Rhodey and peed in his suit. Samantha might have had a point.

 **Author's Note(s)**

 **Hello everyone, hope you all are enjoying this fanfic! I really liked this theory behind why they can hear/see each other's thoughts. Something beyond just because the author said so….**

 **I have a few chapters done ahead but I'm working on another short and fluffy one as well because part of what I read fanfiction for is to see character interactions between major events in the movies. So if there is anything you want to see Sam or Deadpool doing let me know, it might find its way into the story.**

 **Oh and this chapter isn't Beta'd so all mistakes fall squarely on me.**

 **As always I love reviews (shamelessly).**


	18. Chapter 18 Lots and Lots of Cosmos

**(Pink)**

 **[White]**

 **{Yellow}**

 **(MCU)**

They had eventually made it upstairs for lunch. Samantha broke off from the group to fetch some clean clothes she had left in the tower just in case she had to stay overnight at any point. Her blouse had been ruined but her black capris were probably salvageable. She reemerged in the upstairs lounge wearing a turquoise tank and a pair of chocolate shorts, a white button down shirt was draped over one shoulder.

Plopping down on the sofa next to Clint she asked. "So does your stomach want greasy burgers or Chinese food?"

He seemed to consider that for a second, "Burgers"

Sam twisted to look over the back of the sofa at the rest of them. "Anyone object to burgers?" No one did so she had JARVIS place the order.

While they waited for it to arrive Wolverine slipped off to shower and Clint and Wade argued over what to watch on TV. Apparently there was some sort of MMA match going on and Wade wanted to watch it, but Clint wanted to watch a bow hunting episode on the Outdoor's channel. Samantha who had no interest in either just tried to stay clear of their rough housing. Wade, taking advantage of Clint's hangover, pinned him with some sort of scissor leg hold. Unfortunately for Hawkeye, Deadpool seemed content to hold that position throughout the show.

"Get off me asshole!" Hawkeye ground out.

"Sssh just let it happen Bird-Boy." Deadpool had dropped his voice into the register that made the hairs on the back of Sam's neck stand up. Apparently it didn't do the same thing for Hawkeye though because he intensified his struggles.

Samantha thought about asking Deadpool to let him go but she figured a highly trained SHIELD operative could save himself if he really wanted to. Besides her powers of persuasion only went so far, no matter what Stark might think. On the other hand, she didn't really want to hang out on the sofa and watch either show while being squished by children taller than her.

So instead she wandered over to the bar where Stark and Xavier seemed to be conferring over the results of the testing and debating what they meant as far as Sam's being there.

"Well how about it gentleman, what does this little experiment mean for me? Besides the fact that I'm down a shirt."

"Hmm well a few things have been decided thanks to your wardrobe sacrifice. For instance, your mutation is nearly identical to Wolverines, just a wee bit slower. Probably from lack of strenuous use, but your side was closed up in less than a minute and that's impressive. Deadpool's is a variant on Wolverine's, and from what we can tell is actually much more aggressive."

"That's linked to his cancer, which is also highly aggressive, so the two of them balance each other out." Xavier broke in. Samantha swiveled on the stool to see that Wade had let Hawkeye out of the hold, or he had broken free. Instead Wade was now bouncing up and down on the sofa miming something with his hands. Hawkeye was doing his best to ignore him but it was probably impossible.

"Okay so what does that really mean for me though? We had already figured out that I had a healing factor." She reasoned.

"Well yours is more like Wolverines because yours is naturally occurring, you do in fact have the X-gene, unlike Deadpool who's is from genetic tinkering. Which is one of the reasons I brought the Professor in. See from your description there are no mutants in your dimension but you are in fact a mutant. So either you're one of the first or you actually belong here in this reality. So I needed him to confirm that you were actually telling the truth." He held up his hands in a placating gesture when she started to protest.

"What Mr. Stark is trying to say is that he had valid reasons to be concerned for the safety of his team. That being said you are exactly what you have told him. You have complete memories of another reality. I'm sure they're not implanted, because there is far too much emotion tied into them." Xavier felt there was more to this but didn't want to elaborate without having studied their interaction more. Judging by the way that Stark's research was going he'd have plenty of time for that over the next few months.

"No kidding, but where does that leave me in terms of dimensional travel? I mean am I going to jump back to where I was, am I going to be here from now on, or am I going to fall asleep and wake up in a dimension where I'm living with the Coca-Cola Bears?!" Her tone was still perfectly polite and even but inside she was starting to freak out.

(Oh God, please don't let me end up in the Simpsons!)

On the sofa Deadpool stopped harassing Hawkeye to pay attention to what was going on at the bar. Hawkeye looked at the bar and then back at him and grinned. "If you get up from the sofa I'm putting on bow hunting…"

"Hard to draw a bow with a broken arm." Deadpool returned.

"And here I thought Tony was complaining because you were almost acting normal. So reassuring to see you're still the same crazy asshole." Hawkeye mocked.

{We're crazy? We're not the one who fights aliens with a bow.}

[Everyone knows the katana is far superior!]

"Exactly"

Clint wasn't sure that Deadpool had been answering him or just randomly talking to himself. "Exactly what?"

"We think you're crazy." Deadpool replied, still keeping an eye on Samantha. "Actually I think most audiences also think that, because of the bow, but the ladies don't seem to mind."

Clint blinked and tried to take that in, but before he could reply JARVIS informed them their lunch was on its way up. Wolverine just beat it into the lounge. He was freshly showered and wearing a pair of jeans and a fresh flannel shirt, his only concession to the July heat was the sleeves rolled up past his elbows.

Everyone grabbed their own burger, or burgers in the case of Wade, Clinton, and Logan. Samantha who hadn't forgotten the 'penguin' cheese incident blatantly stole fries from Wade's carry out container.

"You know you could have ordered a second fry for yourself, or even 'gasp' a second burger." He said after her third grab.

"I have never found that to be the way the female mind works." Wolverine weighed in. Tony snorted and Hawkeye nodded, even Xavier smiled.

"You still owe me for penguin cheese, which reminds me…" and she snagged a handful of fries out of Clint's box as well.

{No way you said we were good if we gave you a churro.}

[We totally gave her two!]

Clint who was used to both Natasha and Laura stealing fries usually ordered more than he would eat anyway so just ignored her.

"Penguin cheese?" Wolverine had to ask.

"He force fed me pepper jack cheese," she indicated Wade with a stolen fry, "which I _detest_. And he had the gall to tell me he didn't care if it tasted like ground up baby penguins."

"Why?"

"Because she got Hulk smashed, and it's not my fault that Stark doesn't keep anything in his fridge when Potts isn't here." Deadpool answered.

"Fun times." Hawkeye added.

Samantha laughed, "Oh yes, I should spend more Friday nights being flattened by the Hulk, then when Wade picks me back up we can have dinner with Bruce. Poor guy he almost looked more green afterwards than he did when he backhanded me." She paused to steal another fry. "Where is Bruce anyway?"

"When he heard Wolverine was coming in he took off for a place that and I quote 'wasn't bound to come down around his ears'" Tony said unapologetically.

"Sensible of him, that's half the reason I came down was to make sure that nothing untoward happened." Xavier chimed in.

"Logan do you ever get the feeling that we're the 'untoward' part they're referring to?" Deadpool mused.

Sam snorted, she couldn't help herself. "Someone told me once that Canadians were much politer than Americans. Now I'm wondering if that's a total lie or if you two are just horrible examples."

"Well you know what they say Sam, if you can't be a good example, be a horrible warning." Wolverine joked.

"My Aunt Linda, subscribed to that theory, drove my grandparents wild. You could always count on her to add some fun to the holidays," her lips quirked just thinking back to the last Christmas she had seen her aunt.

"Sirs, Director Fury is on the way up, he wishes to have a word." JARVIS broke in.

Before any of the others could reply Sam was up and out of her seat and sitting on Deadpool's lap. She tossed her button down towards the kitchen and tugged her tank down a bit to reveal the top of her bra. She also loosened her hair and ran her fingers through it to give it a much less formal look. She was hoping between her hair and cleavage Fury would dismiss her as a groupie of some sort.

By the time Fury cleared the elevator doors she had plastered a somewhat vacant smile on her face and was idly running a finger up and down Wade's chest.

{Boobies!}

[What the hell just happened?]

(Sssh I'll explain later.)

Alongside Deadpool, Hawkeye straightened up but Stark still facing them in a lounge chair assumed a much more insolent look. Wolverine continued to eat his lunch apparently unconcerned by the Director's entrance.

"Well well well, who do we have here. Two of our much vaunted X-men, Deadpool, and guest. I mean if I knew we had such important guests coming in I would have cleared my calendar in order to give a proper greeting."

"Our tower our guest list." Stark's tone indicated just how little he cared about Fury's interest in who was in 'his' tower.

Samantha kept her smile on and did her best to conquer the urge to tuck her hair behind her ears. She knew from experience that the more she looked like arm candy the less real attention she would receive. Well assuming Deadpool's reputation was enough of a shield for her to hide behind, because Fury would know this trick.

"Forgive me Director Fury, that was my oversight. I came down to the city to confer with Mr. Stark on a physics matter. I had brought Wolverine with me because the manor was making him antsy. It seems when he went out with Hawkeye last night they picked up Deadpool and this young lady."

"Is that why one of my operatives looks like he's been mother fucking camping out in his pajamas all day?" Fury eyed Hawkeye.

"Not all day, just since we got in at 0500." Hawkeye clarified. "Before that I was doing my best to convince this one that Deadpool is not Spiderman in a new costume."

"Of course I'm Spiderman, and if you stick around I'll show you my web-shooter," he hooked a gloved finger into her tank-top pulling her closer. "Doesn't that sound like fun baby?"

Sam giggled, "Now Spidey you been promising to show me that for hours now, and all I've gotten so far is listening to you and your buddies talking. It's enough to make a girl feel unwanted. And you can't fool me" she made a face at Hawkeye," he's Spidey, I saw him on the news just the other day with Jameson." Her drawl was in full force and she swirled one lock of hair around her fingers as her other hand dipped lower towards Deadpool's abdomen. . Deadpool squeezed her knee, a gesture that Fury would likely interpret as interest in continuing their fun. She decided to take it as reassurance that she was doing alright.

Fury looked up as if asking for strength but then turned his attention back to Professor X, "And what questions did you have that Dr. McCoy couldn't answer for you?"

"As I said this was more a physics question than a biochemistry question. Among other things I was working out some upgrades for the Blackhawk. Plus, it's always nice to get down to the city from time to time. Too much work isn't good for anyone." Xavier replied smoothly.

"Speaking of fun Stark, where's that bourbon you been promising me?" Wolverine growled.

Stark got up and went to the bar, pulling out a bottle buried deep below the counter and poured six tumblers of Kentucky's best. Leaving his at the bar he shuttled the other five over to the table and offered them around. He looked at Samantha and gave a half smile.

"Anything for you babe?"

"Oooh I don't know, I was drinking cosmos last night. Lots and lots of cosmos" she giggled.

"Somebody likes red." Deadpool teased her tracing one of his fingers across her curves. Samantha giggled and nodded.

Fury set the tumbler down on the table and straightened to consider them all. "Next time Professor I'd appreciate a heads up before your visit. More than one politician gets antsy when it looks like you're hanging out with Stark." Eying Hawkeye again he continued, "and Barton make sure that you and your buddies don't get too carried away, you fly out in the morning."

Hawkeye offered a salute but didn't say anything. Tony who was busy mixing Samantha a cosmo also flipped him a salute of sorts.

"Oh and Deadpool, next time I show up in this tower I hope to almighty God you and your toys aren't here." And with that parting shot Fury turned and left. Samantha remained seated on Deadpool's lap waiting for JARVIS to confirm that Fury had actually left. When the AI signaled the all clear she sighed and relaxed.

"Well Professor, when he was speaking of toys was he referring to me or this set of guns that's digging into my hip?" She asked cautiously.

{Keep wiggling and something else will be digging in.}

"It appears Deadpool's reputation proceeds you and your safe from SHIELD for now." He answered after a moment of concentration.

"Which now begs the question if you're safe from me?" Deadpool arched a brow at her. "Oh and what the hell was that? It was like your brains leached out through your hair."

She snorted, "You may not have noticed this but men, even smart men, easily dismiss women with abundant assets and a smile. After all it works for Widow all the time." And with that she tugged her tank back up where it belonged.

"That I get, but why bother with Fury?" He asked, tugging a lock of her hair. He pulled it straight and watched as it bounced back into its curl.

"I'm concerned that SHIELD might consider an inter-dimensional traveler someone they'd need to contain. Or at least question extensively." She explained.

"You're aware that Hawkeye is first and foremost a SHIELD agent?" He indicated Clint to his left.

Samantha smirked "Clint would be the SHIELD agent voted most likely to not follow the rules. Something about nerf guns and ceiling tiles, oh and being your friend. Besides he and I have an understanding." Hawkeye returned her smirk and nodded.

Wolverine had been studying her throughout her performance and he weighed in on the subject. "That giggle is the scariest thing I have heard in a while. If it weren't for the fact that I know that booze smell is coming from Hawkeye, I would have thought you'd been drinking most of the night and completely unaware that he's not the kid."

"Yes well it doesn't say much for my assumed IQ if I made that mistake. Wade must have 40lbs on him and almost 4 inches." She mused.

"And I'm taller too." Deadpool teased, earning himself a flick to the forehead.

Tony returned to the group carrying his refilled tumbler and a the cosmo for Samantha. She eyed it a moment and then accepted it. Figuring it best to get it done and over with she took it in a gulp. Making a face at Tony she commented idly. "Next time more vodka, less juice."

"I thought you didn't drink?" He saluted her with his own glass.

"I don't normally, especially since it appears there would be no point to it, but that doesn't mean I have not on occasion had a drink. I did go to college after all."

"Something tells me that your father didn't sleep well at night once you hit the age of say 15." Deadpool murmured.

"He should never had made me that deal to give me a Camaro if I got straight A's my sophomore year. But sadly for him it was mine the moment I turned 16." Her smile was impish. "How do you think I learned what I know about getting out of trouble?"

"Red?" Tony guessed.

"Evergreen metallic. I kept it till I graduated college, intact I might add, and then I got something a tad bit more sedate."

"Somehow I imagine that 'intact' part was for me." Tony grinned. Samantha's only reply was a quirked eyebrow.

Deadpool shifted slightly reminding her she was still sitting on his lap. While Sam enjoyed sitting on his lap at home, there was that word again, she wouldn't normally do it in public. But since she was already here she wasn't getting back up to return to her chair. Besides she could more easily steal his remaining fries from here.

She shifted to settle more comfortably onto Deadpool and was awarded with the gun digging deeper into her hip. Reaching down she unsnapped it and carefully set it on the table. She was surprised that Wade didn't protest but then he probably had another three on him somewhere besides the one strapped to his other thigh. She noticed it was the standard Anti-Hero Desert Eagle.

(Cliché much?)

[Effective and reliable]

{And it makes a noise guaranteed to dampen panties}

If Wade found it interesting that she recognized the gun he didn't say.

"So gentleman, what's on the agenda for this afternoon?" she asked the room.

(Gentleman might be stretching it…)

Surprisingly it was JARVIS that answered. "My apologies Ms. Wiley but SHIELD is reporting a threat at the Chrysler Building. Hill would like to know if Professor Xavier, Mr. Logan and Mr. Wilson are also available."

"Can't be good if they're scrounging for us." Wolverine indicated himself and Deadpool.

"What's the nature of the threat JARVIS?" Xavier asked.

"It appears to be Dr. Doom, but initial reports are conflicting as to what threat he is currently wielding." Came the prompt reply.

Tony glanced around as if to judge each person's willingness to participate, no surprise when everyone nodded. Samantha slid off Deadpool's lap as Tony had JARVIS inform Hill they were on their way.

Deadpool picked his gun up off the table and automatically checked the magazine. Fastening it back into its holster he spoke evenly but firmly to Sam. "Stay in the tower, no leaving for anything, unless you have an escort." She sighed but nodded her head.

They dropped Xavier off at the Hellicarrier where he could be of assistance but still clear of any fighting. It wasn't exactly on the way but unlike the others his skill set wasn't in the offensive range.

Reports had NYPD assisting with the evacuation and several witnesses remembered armed gunmen. A few also said they had seen a figure that resembled Doom but no one had heard him speak and there were no demands coming in yet.

"Top to bottom search grid?" Wolverine indicated the building they were fast approaching. Hawkeye was at the controls of the Quinjet and he set it to hover over the building in camouflage mode. Iron-man was already circling the spire waiting for them to disembark. Wolverine and Deadpool both jumped the 15 feet between the bay of the jet and the flat section of roof they could enter on. Hawkeye followed them out on a zip line arrow rig.

"Is anyone else wondering about why this is going so quietly?" Deadpool asked two floors in.

"The noisiest thing in this tower is Stark," Hawkeye agreed. "Doom is usually mono-logging by now."

Deadpool was another two floors down when the first armed intruder came into view. He was carefully setting what looked like a C4 charge along one of the support beams. Without even thinking about it Deadpool fired off a quick shot to the head.

"Guy's we got C4, we're going to have to go through this place with a fine tooth comb." He spoke into the com that Stark had given him.

"Just great," Iron-man grumbled, "this thing has got to be at least 70 stories tall."

"77 Sir, with approximately 1,195,000 sq feet of space." Corrected JARVIS.

"Well you heard him, let's get this party started" Tony groaned.

Deadpool started singing Light Em Up by Fall Out Boy as he continued to sweep his section of the floor. Getting into the spirit Iron-Man had JARVIS blare it out his speakers. Wolverine just sighed, he was starting to miss the comparative quiet of X-mansion.

It took them another four floors and a quite a few classic rock tracks to locate Doom. Hawkeye sighted him and almost put an arrow through before he realized it was just a projected recording of Doom in an earlier battle.

"Uh guys, we have a problem. Doom's not really here, well not unless this is just a decoy and the real Doom is lurking below us. I think we might have just found a huge diversion." Hawkeye spoke into the com.

"Diversion from what?" Wolverine ground out. "The C4 and the goon squad is real enough."

"Samantha" Deadpool answered, putting another merc down, this time with Bea.

"JARVIS, is Sam still in the tower?" Tony hastily checked. "And give me a location on Pepper."

"Sir, both Ms. Potts and Ms. Wiley are currently secure, Ms. Potts is in her office and Ms. Wiley in Avengers Tower." The AI intoned.

"Maybe they're just really bad at this." Hawkeye suggested, "Besides we still have to clear all these floors of explosives.

Relieved to hear that Samantha was safe Deadpool's good humor returned. "Hey Robin Hood, what do you say, first one to make it to 10 explosives wins, loser pays for my next gun."

"You're on, but when I win you're springing for this new compound bow I've had my eye on." Hawkeye agreed.

"What are you kids buying me when I win?" Wolverine growled into the com while disarming another explosive charge.

"No using your nose you fucking cheater." Came Deadpool's immediate reply.

"Sir at current rate of clearance, estimate time to clear this building at 4 hours 23 minutes and 37 seconds."

Samantha was watching news coverage of the Chrysler Building evacuation. So far it looked like it was going well and she was trying hard not to bug JARVIS for any more information. He had given her an ETA and let her know that a holograph of Doom had been used, a diversion was suspected but no one knew from what yet. Between the pouring rain and worry over another shoe dropping the city was nearly silent.

(Well if we have to be trapped inside this is the day to do it.)

"JARVIS could you be a dear and turn the kitchen coffee pot back on?" Nothing left to do but enjoy some steaming life force and maybe put in a movie. After all, judging by the last update this was going to last all afternoon. Samantha paused on her way to the kitchen when she realized that JARVIS hadn't replied yet.

"JARVIS?" The AI didn't answer, but another voice behind her caused her to spin around.

"Oh I don't think your little electronic friend is going to be answering you anytime soon Rose." The man behind her wore an unfamiliar soldier's uniform with a Col.'s insignia.

"Rose?"

"Oh that's just what we've been calling you. After all it must take an amazing girl to get a sociopath like Deadpool to send flowers. Flowers he ordered while in my country I might add." His smile held a cruel edge to it.

"Lots of sociopaths send flowers really. I mean stalkers, crazy ex-husbands, crazy mercenaries. It's not really an indication of anything." She was stalling desperately hoping JARVIS would come back online and summon the cavalry.

(Please let Tony notice that something is wrong with JARVIS)

"Oh don't be so humble Rose, it took me nearly two weeks to figure out where he sent those flowers, he's fairly good about burying his electronic information. But unfortunately for you he was shot right outside a café that has tracking software. See the General was a firm believer in keeping track of his people's use of the internet. And then of course he didn't use your real name but some sort of code and sent them care of this tower. Clearly you are someone who's safety he values."

Samantha's thoughts were racing trying to figure out her best plan of action. The intruder had a gun but so far he hadn't drawn it. And it wasn't like a gunshot was going to be life threatening for her. Her best bet was to run and try and hide somewhere in the tower until Stark figured out something was wrong and they all came to her rescue. I mean if you were going to play house with Deadpool a swift rescue had to be an advantage right?

(We sure as heck hope so!)

"I can see that your trying to work through your options on how you're going to get out of this but the answer is that you're not. See you're going to walk quietly out of this tower or I'm going to start blowing various charges hidden throughout the city. Actually you look like a smart girl so you likely need more convincing than just my say so on those charges." Suddenly outside the huge windows another skyscraper rocked as explosives on its top three floors were detonated.

Samantha shrieked and brought her hands up to her face in horror.

"Don't worry Rose, we set it up so those charges won't bring the building down. But if you aren't outside this building in 20 minutes then my men know to blow the second set. Now are you going to come along like a good girl? See we have to hurry because we're going to need to take the stairs, the elevators out just like the rest of the major systems in this building." He held his arm out as if he were offering to escort her.

Samantha took one last horrified look out the window and then started moving forward. If her compliance would keep other people from being hurt, she really had no choice in the matter. Besides she was confident that Deadpool would locate her wherever this guy took her.

(We just need to keep calm until Deadpool chops this asshole's head off.)

That last thought kept her head up and her back straight as they hurried down the stairs. She had a feeling they were rushing more because he was sure that the boys would notice Jarvis was out and hurry back to the tower any minute than for any concern over blowing the second set of charges.

As they hit the street level a large black SUV pulled up in front of them and her captor forced her into the back seat then jumped in next to her. A block over she could hear sirens as rescue personnel and firefighters responded to the explosion in the other tower. She really hoped that they wouldn't trigger the second detonation dooming those who were responding to the initial explosion.

"You got me out of the tower, now please tell me that your men aren't going to detonate another round of explosions." Her voice was brittle with fear.

"That shouldn't be a problem Rose, since we don't have any more explosives. I just needed to have you think we did until I got you out of the tower. Now we're going to take a little ride until we get to where we're going to meet Deadpool. You see I have another friend of his that is waiting for him and between the two of you I should have enough bait." The SUV was already pulling smoothly into traffic and she heard the locks engage cutting off any chance of escape.

(Wade's so going to be pissed we fell for this…)

All thought faded as he drove a needle, filled with amber liquid, into her neck.

 **Author's Notes**

 **I rewrote this chapter probably five different times. I finally embraced the idea that a woman raised to be part of the country club scene would know all about how to distract a guy. Also that if she worked for the I.R.S. she'd also know what she'd have to do to be taken seriously and could "reverse engineer" it.**

 **On the other hand, Fury is distracted by other things going on in the MCU, and as mentioned Deadpool's reputation is a shield of sorts.**


	19. Chapter 19 Making it Personal

(Pink)

[White]

{Yellow}

*Xavier*

(MCU)

They had worked their way down to the 50th floor, and the frustration was mounting. They hadn't found a single explosive since the 60th floor. The NYPD had finished the evacuation, and their bomb squad was working from the base of the building up. NYPD hadn't found a single explosive above the 10th floor and somewhere around the 65th floor Tony had even muted Jarvis so that he wouldn't have to continuously update Fury.

"Something tells me we won't find a single one between here and where we meet up with the bomb squad." Iron-man voiced what they were all thinking.

"Well, we knew it was a distraction we're just not sure what from." Hawkeye reasoned.

"Hey Stark, when was the last time we got an update from outside this building?" Wolverine asked over the coms.

Deadpool froze, listening for Starks answer. The last time he could remember JARVIS updating any information from the outside of the building was over an hour ago.

{There's that other shoe!}

[Maybe there hasn't been anything to update. Not like Sam is going to leave the tower.]

"She better not have left that damn tower…"

Sam woke up some time later feeling dizzy and nauseous strapped to a chair in what appeared to be a deserted warehouse. To her left a vaguely familiar man snored in a second chair. He was also strapped down, but it seemed that whatever they had injected her with lasted longer on him.

(So unoriginal.)

They didn't bother to blindfold her, which wasn't a good sign judging by all the action movies she'd ever watched. It looked like they weren't planning on letting her walk away from this. She'd be terrified if she didn't have a healing factor, but as it was, she was hovering between pissed off and scared over what other damage this guy was going to do to the second hostage to get his way.

Noise off to her right attracted her attention. She turned her head ignoring the nausea to focus on the figure walking closer.

"That should have kept you out much longer, but no matter it's better that you're awake." It was the Col, again. Further out towards the perimeter of the room, she could see more soldiers all heavily armed. In front of her, a video camera was set up and if the red light showing meant what she thought it did they were recording this.

"So may I ask how you know Deadpool?' Sam wasn't good at being quiet when under stress. She knew she tended to talk too much, but she didn't seem to be able to help herself. Her first interview with the I.R.S. had been a disaster…

(Could we perhaps focus on the immediate threat here.)

"As I already mentioned Rose, he made a trip to my country earlier this month. While he was there, he killed a man that was like a father to me. General Dada had a visionary plan for his country and now thanks to Deadpool and the interference of his government his vision will never come to life."

"That part I figured out, but have you ever actually met Deadpool? Or maybe asked someone about him because I don't think you understand how bad of a plan this is. You kidnapped me because you think he's going to come and rescue me and then what? You can't kill him, so I don't see where this plan does anything for you except get you killed." She reasoned.

"Is this the part where you try and reason with me and hope that I let you go because you appeal to my better nature?" He asked, sounding amused.

"I'm not sure; I've never been a hostage before. But I'll tell you what you drop me off at the nearest bookstore, and I'll see if I can find a book on it to consult." She snapped before taking the time to think it might be a bad idea to annoy the guy.

Apparently she needn't have worried because he threw his head back and laughed at her. "Ah, so like all roses this one has thorns, no matter I can see why Deadpool would value you enough to send flowers."

Sam's nose wrinkled at his misogynistic tone. She decided to change the subject. "What did you do to JARVIS?"

"Stark's pet computer? I merely switched off his ability to communicate. He could still see and record everything that was going on, but he couldn't reach his master to let him know you were in trouble. It's a talent that I have."

Samantha quirked a brow; it sounded vaguely familiar. "So you can control electricity?"

"Oh, I can do much more than that. I can manipulate telecommunications and radio signals as well. I was told my father could manipulate electricity as well, but he left my mother, and Africa long before I was born. She was just a source of amusement to him, and he left when he got tired of her. Then she was a source of amusement for many men. Because of her, I was a nothing until the General found me and made me his messenger. I worked my way up to second in command of his army. Everything I am, I owed to him." He ranted, specks of foam gathering in the corner of his mouth.

"So why is he here?" She indicated the still unconscious man next to her.

"I see that Deadpool keeps his business and his pleasure separate. That Rose, is Weasel, he's an information broker of sorts. He distributes contracts among various mercenaries, including Deadpool. Weasel was the one who contacted him about his recent job in my country. So you can see where he also needs to be punished. What makes it even better is that this Weasel seems to be one of the few people that would consider Deadpool a friend, so fitting that I would use him and you to hurt Deadpool." He grinned at her.

(Well that explains why he looks familiar.)

"Again you can't kill Deadpool." She objected.

"Oh, I think you'll come to understand that there are some things much much worse than death." He ran a finger down her cheek.

She jerked her head away, her growing nausea having nothing to do with the drug they had given her earlier.

"I was planning on breaking Weasel piece by piece before putting a bullet in his head. And then I was going to move onto you. See I may be wrong and Deadpool may not care a bit for you, but no man likes watching his toys played with. By the time I'm done, you're going to be a broken rag doll." He grabbed her chin, turning her head, so she was looking directly at him. "I don't suppose our mutual friend has taught you any good tricks? Maybe if he has, I'll let you live." He pushed his thumb past her lips in an obscene parody of what he had planned for her.

Samantha lunged her head forward and bit down as hard as she could. A savage curse and the taste of blood were here reward for her act of defiance. He ripped his hand out of her mouth, and she smiled up at him. "Stick anything near me and be prepared to lose it!" She ground out.

Incensed he hit her hard enough to knock her and the chair sideways. Pain blossomed across her cheekbone from his fist and in her side from hitting the concrete floor. Still infuriated he began to kick at her over and over again, catching her in the stomach and chest. Fortunately, her body was healing the damage, nearly as fast as he could inflict it. The pain was making it hard to think, but she did her best to hide her healing factor afraid of what he would do if he realized he couldn't physically hurt her.

Finally, his ire spent he grabbed the back of her chair and pulled it back onto its feet. Once again upright she hung her head and caught her breath. She could still feel blood on her cheek, but she knew the cut had healed. She was hoping he wouldn't notice it beneath the blood already on her face. She was also hoping that Deadpool would let her pick how this guy went. Samantha grunted in pain as a broken rib popped back into place.

Beside her, Weasel started to stir attracting their captor's attention. She lifted her head just enough to watch, trying to keep the Colonel's attention off of herself. Samantha didn't need him figuring out what her mutation was; she had a feeling if he knew he couldn't break his 'toy' he'd be ecstatic to test her limits. Or sell her off to the highest bidder.

"Let's see if Weasel is more aware, of how precarious his position is." He slapped Weasel hard enough to snap his head around but not hard enough to knock the chair over.

Weasel's head came up, and he glared at the man before him. "Hey, man not cool! Who the fuck are you and what the hell am I doing in this shit hole?"

"I am Colonel Bradley formerly of the Somali Liberty Army. And you are here to repay a blood debt. Do you perhaps recognize the woman next to you?"

(Funny he doesn't look like a Bradley.)

Weasel made a face at the mention of Somalia; apparently he was smart enough to connect the dots. He glanced over at Sam, still sitting with her head down. Not that it mattered she doubted very much that Weasel would have any idea who she was. Unsurprisingly he shook his head no.

"Hmm, I'm not sure if that's a point in your favor or not Rose. It seems Deadpool doesn't tell his friends about you, but then again he also didn't find you in a grimy bar. Or at least not Weasel's watering hole." He studied her for a moment. "Perhaps if you give us your name it'll mean something."

She didn't see a reason why she shouldn't give her real name, so she offered it up. "My name is Samantha."

Weasel shook his head again. "Still doesn't mean anything to me, but then Deadpool hasn't been around much lately."

Bradley just grinned, "Perhaps she's the reason for that. She doesn't look like she's the type to enjoy slumming."

Deadpool wasn't sure what the raw feeling in his chest was, but he was sure he knew who was going to pay for it. When they had realized that all communication with the tower had been cut off, they left the bomb hunting to the NYPD and rushed back. It had taken Stark just over 10 minutes to get JARVIS fully functional again, and they were now viewing the video feed for the second time. Now that the communications relay was back up Fury was insisting that they let him know what the hell was going on. Stark had had JARVIS mute him, too busy working out information from the silent feed to bother to reply.

Hawkeye ended up being the biggest help; he was easily able to read the lips of the soldier and Sam in the composite video. JARVIS was running facial recognition trying to get them as much information as possible. He had been apologizing since he had come back online. Deadpool could understand where he was coming from; Sam treated the AI like he was a long-lost friend.

Deadpool wasn't sure what was worse, not having anything to do at this moment or the look on Sam's face right after the building had blown. Or maybe it was the fact that he knew this was somehow his fault. He had recognized the uniform if not the man instantly, and he was very much aware the connection that Sam had to Somalia was him.

Wolverine watched Deadpool pacing back and forth like a caged tiger just waiting to figure out which direction he needed to go in. He had already checked and rechecked his rounds multiple times, and he was rocking ready on go.

{We are so going to un-alive this asshole}

[And then bring him back so we can do it again!]

"Anything yet?!"

Both Stark and JARVIS replied in the negative and Deadpool felt his frustration ratchet up another level. He was already going to rip the guy's balls off for scaring her, but if that Col had harmed one hair on Samantha's head, he was going to skin him alive before killing him. Too bad they weren't actually telepathically linked, he'd be on his way to her right now.

"Telepathy!" Oh hell, he was an idiot! The most powerful telepath in the world was here in the city just to check Sam over, and they hadn't thought to ask if he could locate her. True she'd been grabbed close to two hours ago now, but he would bet every cent he had that she was still in range of Xavier. "Jarvis get hold of Xavier and have him run a scan for Sam. See how close he can narrow down the location. If he can get us within a block or two Wolverine's nose can take it from there."

*Samantha can you hear me?*

 **(CHARLES!)**

*No need to yell Samantha, I can hear you just fine.*

(Oh ok, I wasn't sure how this worked when one of us isn't a telepath. Or if I was too far away or whatever. Anyway I'm so glad you called because it appears Weasel and I are in a spot of trouble.)

*A spot of trouble indeed. I'm here at the helicarrier so I can't really do anything without attracting the Director's attention, but I will relay the information to Deadpool and Wolverine.*

(Great, this guy seems to have it in for Deadpool, not sure the actual plan but he doesn't seem to worried about the fact that he can't kill Deadpool. He does seem to be looking forward to killing Weasel.)

She wasn't going to contemplate what Col Bradley had in his plans for her. Of course, Xavier might be able to get a sense of that without her having to think about it, but it was more for her peace of mind than his. A scream to her left distracted her for a moment. Bradley was warming up by breaking the bones in Weasel's hands.

(If you could get them to hurry that would be great.)

*She's in Queens, just south of La Guardia. I'll be able to guide you in as you get closer. She seems alright for the present but she say's Weasel is there as well and judging by the mental image she was projecting I would say that haste is in order.*

They were already in the Quinjet with Hawkeye once again at the controls. Wolverine sat in the co-pilot's seat and behind him Deadpool was leaning against the seat his whole demeanor set with leashed fury. Stark in his Iron-man suit was flying alongside. It only took them a few minutes to cross over Manhattan, but each one carved itself into Deadpool's heart. If Samantha was asking them to hurry, it had to be bad.

{She has a healing factor she'll be fine.}

[I don't think it's the physical he's worried about.]

{oh…}

Weasel had passed back out when Col Bradley had broken his arm. Bradley for his part seemed content to leave him be, for now, apparently it was no fun to torture people who weren't conscious. Which was good for Weasel but bad for Samantha.

"Well Rose, did my little lesson on civility convince you to play nice this time around? After all, it won't be as fun for you if you have to do your part with a broken jaw."

She shook her head no but refused to look at him. It had been about 20 minutes since Charles had first gotten hold of her and she was holding out hope that any second now she'd see a familiar red and black costume. That thought made her lips tug upwards up in a grin, and she brought her head up to look the Col full in the face. To hell with hiding.

"You wouldn't know what civility was if it deigned to bite you in the butt right now." She spat out.

The skin around the Col's eyes tightened in a scowl, and he backhanded her across her left cheek. "And to think I thought you were a smart lady, but it appears you are incapable of learning what is good for you."

Shaking her head to clear the tears from her eyes she smiled when she caught sight of a hint of movement behind him. It was a beam of watery grey light sliding off of a katana. One of Bradley's soldiers hit the floor silently.

(Oh you are so screwed now asshole.)

She concentrated on Bradley's face careful not to give Deadpool's presence away. "So tell me Col, did you ever consider that a slow, _very_ painful death was in your future.? Or were you too stupid to think that pissing off Deadpool was going to bring nothing but suffering to your door? Hell, I bet if you had kept your head down and worked on it you would have managed to seize control back of Somalia. And maybe if you weren't as much an asshat as your dearly departed friend the powers that be would have let you keep it. You'd be living it up in the Capital with a pretty wife on your arm. But instead, now you're going to end up swallowing your genitals. Assuming you have anything worth mentioning in your pants. Doesn't seem likely the way you get off on hitting women."

Perched above Sam, Hawkeye was doing his best not to laugh at the venom in her tone. He was sure she had seen Deadpool entering in from the north, and he was doing his best to keep the east side of the warehouse clear of complications. He fired off another arrow, watching as Deadpool came in behind the bastard standing in front of Sam. Wolverine had worked his way around to the south side of the building where he was methodically eliminating every soldier he came across. Tony, who would never be considered stealthy, was concentrating on taking care of anyone outside the building.

"I see another lesson on your place in this world is required, Rose. Unlike with our friend here, when I beat you unconscious I'm not going to stop there. Instead, I'm going to use you like the whore you are." He reached back to deliver yet another slap across her face, but a vice like grip prevented the forward swing. With an almost casual twist, Deadpool snapped his wrist, grating all the bones together and forcing Col Bradley to his knees.

"I don't think I need to explain just how pretty your apology to the lady has to be?" Samantha who had heard Wade growl, complain and even rage once at Hawkeye had still never heard this deadly tone before. It even put a creep down her spine.

"Hey Darlin', nice to see you have perfect timing as always." She smiled up at him. Deadpool didn't smile back; he just twisted Bradley's arm harder. She swallowed, hoping his ire didn't extend to her as well.

Samantha jerked her head when she sensed movement behind her, but it was just Wolverine. She breathed a sigh of relief as he cut through the bonds holding her wrists and ankles. Bringing her wrists around in front of her again she absently rubbed on them trying to get some feeling back into her hands. The skin around her wrists was raw but as she watched it healed, becoming as pale and perfect as the rest of her skin. Gaining her feet, she stepped forward and drover her foot into Bradley's crotch. "Apology unaccepted." She bit out.

"Logan get them both on the Quinjet and don't leave her side. I'm going to be a minute." Deadpool's tone was even colder than before.

"But…" Sam began, but Wolverine silenced her with a look.

Logan hoisted Weasel to his shoulder and then snagged her elbow. "Come on Sam; he doesn't need you around for what he's going to do next. Trust me when I tell you, you don't want that image stuck in your head."

Samantha glanced between the two of them and then nodded her head. She allowed Wolverine to escort her to the waiting plane. Hawkeye made one last sweep of the room and then joined them leaving Deadpool with his prey.

Keeping hold of the colonel's wrist, he came around in front of him and sat in the chair that Sam had recently vacated. "I'm neither a patient or a reasonable man, so when I ask these questions I expect quick and honest answers. The quicker and more honest the answers the better for you."

Colonel Bradley was a hard man but what he heard in Deadpool's voice made him realize the truth of what Samantha had been telling him. He nodded his head.

"Good, now how did you find her?" Deadpool's first question wasn't that surprising. The Colonel knew that it had to be something that was bugging him. He answered quickly and in great detail. When he finished his explanation, Deadpool just nodded.

{Son of a bitch}

"When you scared her up in the tower, you were already a dead man but when I walked into this place she had blood on her cheek. And then you had the balls to hit her again. So you can see where this is going to be slow and painful for you." He opened up a long slice on Bradley's face before the man could even register the movement.

"Now do you want to tell me what possessed you to hit a woman you had tied to a chair?"

"Shee bit-t-t me-e-e" Bradley stammered out.

[That's our girl!]

"Why would a well-bred southern lady feel the need to bite you?"

{More importantly, why were you close enough that she could reach you?}

"She bi-t-t my thum-b-b when I pu-t-t it in her mou-th." Deadpool's stomach clenched as Bradley gave his answer.

"Which hand?" His voice didn't show any of his rage. The wrist he was holding spasmed as the colonel tried to move the hand. "Ah, I see." He made a quick twisting jerk, and the colonel's hand separated from his body. Deadpool ignored the screaming and the blood.

Looking up as if he had just noticed the camera behind Bradley he asked his final questions. "Were you and your men responsible for the Chrysler building and the bombing that occurred on 8th?" Bradley nodded his head, cradling his ruined arm to his chest. "Good that should make Fury very happy. Now were there any more charges set around the city?" The Colonel shook his head.

"That was all we had. Most of the army is now loyal to the government that came in when you killed Dada. I only had the men and equipment that I managed to salvage that day." Bradley wheezed out.

"That was business, but you went and made this very personal. And personally, I'm very angry right now." He stood and walked behind the kneeling man, who tried to turn to keep him in his sights. Deadpool turned off the camera and pocketed the memory drive. No one ever needed to see what would happen next.

Samantha was sitting in a seat on the Quinjet with a blanket draped over her shoulders watching as Hawkeye set Weasel's broken arm. Weasel was still out, and Hawkeye had jabbed him with a needle full of pain killers so he would probably remain so. She felt pretty bad for Weasel, but she was more concerned with Deadpool right now.

Wolverine sat to her right considering her. There was blood in her hair and dried blood on her cheek but no other signs of injury. A slight tremor to her entire frame the only indication that she was stressed. She's one tough lady; he thought to himself pleased. He too had heard her dig into Bradley, and he was amused that she had had the bravado to pull it off.

"He's not mad at you Sam if that's what you're wondering." He said, causing Sam to startle.

"He seems pretty damn mad, and I did leave the tower." She glanced over at him but then turned her attention back towards Hawkeye and the open bay behind him.

"Yeah I saw that, but we know you had a good reason to do it. Besides, I think you're confusing anger at that fool and sheer terror over you." His tone was reasonable if somewhat gruff.

"Jarvis managed to record it all, and I can read lips, so we know what he threatened you with." Added Hawkeye, not looking up from what he was doing.

Sam didn't reply but Wolverine, who was as telepathic as a stump, knew what she was thinking all the same. "You really don't want to see him working. Besides, he's probably going to follow through with your suggestion to feed him his dick. Assuming you didn't crush it when you kicked him like that." There was a definite tone of approval in his voice now.

"Well, Weasel and I deserved a little payback." She wryly replied, a half smile flitting across her face. "Speaking of Weasel, how is he doing?"

"He'll be fine, the arm and his fingers are all clean breaks. Once the bones set he'll be good as new. Although knowing his reputation, I question how good that was in the first place." Hawkeye answered her.

Samantha said no more but continued to watch out the bay of the jet waiting to see Deadpool reappear. If possible, the minutes seemed to drag longer now than they had when Bradley was breaking up Weasel's hand. Her patience was finally rewarded when Iron-man suddenly appeared on the ramp. Tony had been keeping an eye out for trouble while hovering just above the jet.

"He's on his way out now," Tony said passing her with his face plate up. She smiled but didn't look up.

Hawkeye passed her as well and settled into the pilot's seat again. He had the engines up and the bay doors closing as soon as Deadpool set foot inside. "We'll be at the tower in 20." He said to no one in particular.

Deadpool didn't say a word, he just walked up to Sam and picked her up out of her seat. Sitting down with her in his lap he held her close. Samantha breathed out a sign of relief and closed her eyes tightly as she snuggled into his chest. If the gun still strapped to his thigh bit into her hip, she never mentioned it.

 **Author's Notes**

 **In the movie X-Men Origins Wolverine: there was a mutant named Chris Bradley, who could manipulate electricity and electronic objects. His powers were similar to what I needed to be able to defeat the security measures in the tower; he was also conveniently in Africa in the not too distant past…**

 **I could have gone into more detail when DP finished off Bradley, but I figured that nothing I put down would be as gruesome as your imagination. It's the same logic I use for the most part on describing DP's scars. I figure you've seen the movie or read the comics and already have a mental image of the character.**

 **Please keep in mind this is the cinematic universe so DP is a lot neater and a tad more stable than he appears in the comics.**

 **For timeline purposes, we're just in the summer before IM3, with CAWS being the following spring. You'll notice that neither Rodgers or Romanoff were available for this mission because they're currently in D.C. already working with a team down there. .**


	20. Chapter 20 The Demon Bear

**(Pink)**

 **[White]**

 **{Yellow}**

 **(MCU)**

The ride back to the tower was quiet, the stillness only broken by Hawkeye while on the comms to the helicarrier. He had quickly briefed Fury with the edited details of the threat and how they neutralized it. Fury had dispatched a cleanup crew to the location and ranted a bit about getting a full de-briefing before Hawkeye went out on his mission in the morning but he seemed happy enough with their work for now. Once Fury saw the warehouse, he'd probably have a lot more questions, but he was letting it ride until then.

Samantha sat and listened to Deadpool's heartbeat the entire trip. It had been frantic like an animal caught in a trap for the first few moments of the flight, but it had gradually slowed the longer they sat together. By the time they landed at the tower it was its usual steady self, which was as comforting as anything she could think of.

With a gentle bump, the jet came to a landing on the pad on top of the tower. Hawkeye popped the hatch and Samantha rose from Deadpool's lap in preparation for going inside. He made a noise of protest not yet ready to let her go, but Sam wanted to walk into the building on her own two feet. Reaching down she grabbed his hand, noticing for the first time Deadpool had taken his gloves off. She smiled acknowledging how much he hated to have exposed skin while in public.

"'Ah! I starve! Feed me!'" She quoted, tugging on his hand to get him up and moving.

[Is she quoting Dracula at us?]

(Well, Van Helsing in Dracula. The Van Helsing in Van Helsing had good lines too.)

"'That's why you're coming with me.'" He quoted Van Helsing without having to stop and think about it.

"'The hell be damned I am.'" She flipped back at him smiling.

"'You cursed. Not very well, mind you, but you're a monk. You shouldn't curse at all.'" He was smiling back at her now. She could see it even with the mask on.

"' Actually, I'm still just a friar. I can curse all I want… dammit.'" They both turned and looked at their visiting Hugh Jackman look alike and burst out laughing.

Wolverine was staring at them with a look that plainly spoke, w _hat are you two morons doing?_

They were laughing so hard they woke up Weasel, who had been stretched out across the bench seat in the back. He sat up groggily, flinching when he forgot and tried to push up with his splinted arm.

"Aw man, what have I told you about letting work follow you home at the end of the day?" He asked eyeing Deadpool with a mix of humor and pain. That sobered them both up immediately.

"I know right, and I didn't even feed that particular puppy." Deadpool quipped reflexively, but there wasn't much humor in his tone. They both stared at the other as if considering all that had happened that day.

Stark who didn't relish the idea of Weasel in his tower broke the stalemate. "Come on; Weasel is it? Let's get you down to the medical bay where they can finish patching up that arm and then we'll get you a ride back to your bar." He started to lead Weasel towards the elevator doors that stood ready to take everyone down towards the lounge.

Samantha watched them walk away for a moment and then turned to look at Deadpool. "Is he going to be alright?"

"Weasel? Yeah, he'll be fine, not the first time he's had his arm broken for doing what he does. Or what I do."

"You are not responsible for every sociopath on this planet." She reasoned.

{He doesn't even act responsibly for his sociopathic tendencies.}

[We did send those flowers.]

"Oh no, don't even go there. You are not to blame for him tracking me down. He was watching you enough to know you and I were at the tower and not at home. So he would have noticed me one way or another. And I refuse to let you use this as an excuse to not send me flowers again!" A hint of humor and bravado crept into her voice at the last part. She was walking towards the lift now, anxious to get into the tower.

(They were such gorgeous things.)

"You don't get to joke about this; you were almost…"

"Almost what?" She ground out, "almost killed? News flash I'm perfectly fine, and that's thanks to you and the others. I'm safe and standing right here in front of you." Her temper flashed at having to talk about it.

"There are things much worse than death Samantha." He argued back.

"I know that I do, but nothing happened. I'm here and I'm safe, and I don't want to argue about it."  
(Please don't make me talk about this right now, especially in the pouring rain.)

Deadpool realized they were the only ones still outside; everyone else had already caught the lift down to the lounge. He shook his head realizing he was standing in the pouring rain arguing with Samantha over a point that neither one of them wanted to discuss right now.

{Jesus Christ, we're turning into Ryan Gosling. Next thing you know there'll be ducks.}

"I don't think that's something you have to worry about. After all, I finally met Deadpool today." She shivered a bit but Deadpool couldn't tell if she was cold from the wind on top of the tower or over the memory.

"You've been living with me for a month, and you're just meeting me now?"

[It's weird being the sane one.]

{No shit.}

Sam made a face at him, "Not what I meant, and you know it. You are both terrifying and sexy as hell all at the same time."

"Flattery will get you just about anywhere." He was teasing her but at the same time, he was waiting for the 'but'. It had been his painful experience that women liked the idea of a bad boy but then when you gave them what they said they wanted they ran for it. Vanessa, for example, had been ok knowing that Wade was a mercenary but shortly after watching Deadpool at work she'd ran for it. Well, he had no idea if she literally ran since she had left while he was on a mission. Thunder rumbling overhead dragged him back to the present.

He held out a hand, surprised when she took it, and pulled her towards the elevators. Despite the fact that July had been fiercely hot the rain that soaked them was freezing. Especially when you were coming off an adrenaline high.

Surprisingly Pepper was waiting for them when they stepped out of the elevator at the lounge level. In her arms, she held a stack of towels, a dry pair of jeans and a hooded sweatshirt for Wade. Tucked under the jeans was an outfit for Sam she had brought up from below.

"Steve won't mind if you borrow these and I knew Sam still had clothes stashed away downstairs. I mean, I'm sure you've spent plenty of time in worse conditions when working, but there's no point in you being uncomfortable here."

"Um, thanks." He said, taken aback by her kindness.

Pepper pushed him towards a guest bathroom and then motioned for Sam to follow her. Sam did, wondering what was up.

"I figured you'd be happier sitting as close to him as possible and if you change into dry clothes you'll just get soaked again unless he does. And Captain Rodgers is just about the same size as him, maybe a bit heavier so the clothes should fit. Also, I've threatened Tony within an inch of his life that if he teases him about," she gestured to her face, "that I will pour out every drop of liquor in this tower."

"That could go really poorly." Samantha agreed.

"Tell me about it; the idiot was all set to break out a Merida and Mor'du reference." Pepper's voice was equal parts affection and exasperation.

"Oh my stars, is he suicidal?" Although if she thought about it, it wasn't too bad a reference, but Wade might not see the humor in it at all, especially today.

"You'd think that, but it turns out he just has a perverse and unhealthy way of making friends." With that, Pepper handed her, her towel and the dry clothes and pushed her into another guest bath.

Sam made quick work of stripping out of her soaked clothes and happily put on the dry ones that Pepper had provided. Which turned out to be a mint green t-shirt, sports bra, and yoga pants. Perfect for spending the rest of the afternoon on the sofa. She did her best to get the water out of her hair, but it was a mess, between the ordeal earlier and standing in the wind and rain with it down it was a heavy tangle. She'd have to borrow a comb from Pepper, if she were lucky, her hair wouldn't take offense and turn into a large red bottle brush. At least the rain had washed the blood off her.

Deadpool changed as quickly as possible out of his sodden uniform. Skin safely covered back up he tucked his head a bit so that the hood provided a deeper shadow. He hesitated torn between putting his boots back on and going barefoot, but he HATED wet boots. Maybe it was an army thing.

{It's not gonna be your feet that send Samantha screaming for the hills.}

[No, it would be the kidnapping, the threat of rape and the murder that convince her to pack her bags.]

{She already wants to go back to her real home.}

[Why would she stay with a monster that hides in a hood?]

Deadpool sighed if he were lucky Logan would lose his patience with him stab him in the head again.

Padding barefoot into the lounge he saw that Stark and Logan were both at the bar. Stark looked sullen and was holding on tightly to one of the bottles, but it didn't seem to be anything that Logan had done. Logan was sipping a tumbler of what looked like bourbon. Knowing Sam, she'd want coffee as soon as she made her appearance again. Maybe that was Stark's issue; she hadn't turned on the coffee again. But then he spotted Hawkeye on the sofa cradling a coffee mug and muttering to himself about lost afternoons. He also noticed that Jarvis had activated the privacy film on the eastward windows to block out the bombed tower.

[How did we forget about that?]

{I'll give you one guess…}

"Too easy."

"What's too easy?" Logan asked him, damn the man's hearing.

"Guessing why the view isn't on display," he paraphrased. Wade headed over to join them at the bar while he waited for Samantha to wander into the lounge.

"We got lucky with that part, at least according to Fury, that one is mostly offices and with it being a Saturday it was nearly empty. NYPD is almost done clearing the Chrysler, they haven't found a single explosive since we left, just as we suspected." Tony had a look like he wanted to say something else but he refrained.

That reminded him of his 'interview' with the Colonel earlier, and he took the memory card out of his pocket and slid it across the bar to Stark. "Here," he grunted out, "I didn't want SHIELD to get hold of it, but it probably needs to be analyzed for information. And I do NOT want Sam to see this ever."

"That from the video camera?" Logan asked.

Wade just nodded his head.

"In that case, if we do show it to SHIELD Fury is going to know in an instant that Sam isn't a bar bunny." Wolverine reasoned.

"It may already be too late for that. He's going to wonder why we left the Chrysler like we did. He had to know where Potts was so he'd know she wasn't who we were scrambling to get back to. Besides, there were two chairs in that warehouse, Weasel he won't care about but he's going to question that second chair. And while Nicky might be a lot of things, one thing he is not is stupid."

"Man's got a point." Wolverine agreed.

[Samantha isn't going to be pleased if Fury puts it together.]

"No she will not," came a voice from behind him.

Samantha, also barefoot, padded around to sit down next to him on a stool, pushing it so that she was as close to him as possible without actually sitting in his lap. To hell with it, he reached over and dragged her into his lap anyway. She sighed happily and leaned back into his chest. True it was really uncomfortable to support her like that on a barstool, but Deadpool would be damned if he complained about it.

"JARVIS, how are you doing buddy?" She asked the AI

"Much better knowing you are back safe Ms. Wiley." Came the response, Wade was sure the AI even sounded pleased. Although he wasn't sure if it was she had asked after him or just the fact that she was back safe.

"Thanks, JARVIS, is the pot in the kitchen the only one on or did you turn all the coffee pots back on?"

"Only the kitchen machine, as you requested. Ms. Potts said that the rest were also at your discretion as she agreed that Mr. Stark was over-caffeinated at the time."

"You can turn them all back on JARVIS; I think we could all do with some caffeine."

[We called it.]

The machine beside Stark came to life with a chortle and started to brew a fresh pot. Anthony hastily grabbed two cups but then glanced towards Wade. "Do you want anything?" he asked.

{Another shot at Bradly? We've totally thought of a few more good ideas for him.}

Wade just shook his head to indicate he didn't want coffee.

A minute later and Sam was clutching a mug of her own, fixing it with enough cream and sugar to turn it the color of her freckles. Stark and Wade had frequently told her in the past that what she drank wasn't real coffee, but neither brought it up now. While Samantha waited for it to cool enough to drink safely, she fidgeted with her hair. She had so much of it that it was still drying out, and its curls were snapping back with a vengeance.

"You know you look just like the princess from Brave" Wade remarked using his hands to capture hers and keep her from tugging her hair out.

Inexplicably Stark started choking on his coffee. "Pepper!" He yelled, "He said the thing!"

Pepper popped her head out from the kitchen and gave Tony a look; she was still on the phone with someone so she couldn't yell at him. Samantha shifted, leaning forward and hissed out. "I will help her pour out every single drop."

Wolverine just moved the decanter in front of him to the other side and continued to sip from his glass.

"What thing?" Wade watched Stark, "You mean that Sam looks like Merida?" He didn't understand how this would set Stark off unless Sam had already grown tired of him teasing her about it.

Sam sighed, "On your head be it." And with that, she slid back over to the stool she had originally occupied.

Tony ignored her too caught up in the humor of it. "It's just that if she's Merida, doesn't that make you Mor'du?"

Wade flipped his hood back and leaned forward. "Mor'du huh, that's what you find so funny. Did you come up with that all by yourself Sherlock?"

Tony stared at the mass of visible scars for a moment and then shook his head. "Yeah, I mean, uh… no. It's not funny."

"Besides if anyone is a cursed demon bear it's Logan here, I mean his whole body is covered in hair." Wade joked breaking the tension.

Wolverine's only response was to raise a middle claw at him. Sam for her part just stared at him, he had taken it much better than she thought he would. She was still going to help Pepper pour out alcohol later, though, just because.

Pepper hastily made her way towards the bar trying to head off trouble. Standing close to Tony she smiled at their guests and redirected the conversation. "I know it's still relatively early, but Sam did you feel like eating now? I was thinking of making something for everyone, but I know you guys did burgers earlier."

Sam realized her stomach felt as empty as a bucket with holes in it. Probably because of the beating she had received earlier. If Wade had realized how much healing she had done, he probably would have had her eating by now. Come to think about it; he probably had something squirreled away in one of his pouches for just that reason.

(Probably penguin jerky.)

Wade turned to look at her, "Really? Penguin jerky? That's what you think I would feed you."

She shook her head, "Nah, it just seemed like jerky would be something you kept in your pouches. But I'm actually pretty hungry so if no one else minds than an early dinner sounds heavenly."

Wade flipped the hood back up and then twisted his seat so he could see her better. "Thai food?" He knew it was her favorite, and he was willing since he could order some exceedingly spicy curry.

"What about doing steaks? I have steaks, potatoes, and a macaroni salad. We usually have enough food on hand to feed an army." Pepper made a face, "At least when I'm home, if I'm not Tony tends to live on takeout. Or I have chicken if anyone would prefer that. Either way, we can grill out."

Samantha thought that was a great idea until she remembered that it was pouring out. "Pepper I'd love steak, but it's pouring cats and dogs out there."

Pepper smiled at her, "There's a covered area where the grill is."

Sam thought about it for a second and then glanced at Wade. A grin was tugging at his lips; he was apparently onboard for steak. She'd bet that Wolverine would be happy with red meat as well. She turned to check with Clint and saw that he was passed out asleep on the sofa. Turning back to Pepper she grinned and nodded.

Wolverine and Wade ended up at the grill while she and Pepper chopped up a salad and put some potatoes in the oven. The macaroni salad was already prepared and Sam nibbled a few bites of it while she waited for the hot food to get done. Wolverine had grumbled that he refused to cook meat past medium, but she had assured him that she liked her steak medium rare.

Samantha wasn't sure where Tony had disappeared to, but he showed back up, looking pale, right around the same time as the steaks. He pulled Wade aside and talked to him for a moment and whatever he had to say must have pissed Wade off. She thought for a minute that Deadpool was going to make another appearance, but Wade ran a hand over his head like he'd be pulling on his hair. Calming himself he grabbed Stark's shoulder in thanks, and then he walked over to the sofa and clapped his hands together as hard as he could over Clint's head.

"What the heck got into him?" Pepper asked her.

"I have no idea, but Tony doesn't look too happy either." She replied shrugging her shoulders.

Clint had startled awake looking pissed as hell, but calmed down when he realized a steak and baked potato was waiting for him. "What the hell man?!"

"Did you want to sleep through dinner?" Wade growled.

"I'm just going to go and get him I think." Samantha murmured to Pepper. Although she didn't get more than three feet from where Pepper and she had been standing next to the table, Wade nearly materialized at her elbow he had moved so fast.

"Oh no Princess, you are going to be sitting down to eat in the next minute." He was still growling, but his tone wasn't quite as menacing with her.

(That explains it.)

[Explains what?]

"What has you pissed all of a sudden. I'm ok; I had some macaroni salad while you and Wolverine were out at the grill. I also nibbled on some carrots that we sliced up for the salad. So I'm not about to digest my spleen or anything else vital."

"He hurt you." It wasn't a question.

"He did, but you killed him. So I think I came out ahead in the end. Besides, I was all healed again by the time he started banging on poor Weasel." A slight shudder ran through her frame.

"If I had known he had done more than just slap you…" He was definitely still pissed.

They were at the table now but instead of sitting down she stood on tiptoe and kissed him. She didn't stop until he kissed her back.

"What was that for?" He asked, sounding a lot less pissed.

"For caring enough to be mad still, for being there to rescue me. For being sexy as hell in a grey hoody, and for not letting Tony get to you earlier. Do you need any more reasons for me to kiss you?"

{You think we're sexy in a grey hoody?}

[It's a vision issue isn't it?]

She cocked her head to study him for a second. "Wade if I didn't want to be with you I wouldn't be. I wouldn't sit on your lap just because Fury was here, let alone in private if I didn't feel any attraction to you. I LIKE you, plain and simple. Stop letting the boxes mind fuck you."

{[HEY!]}

"Whatever you say, Princess. Although I'm totally fine with you acting like a bar bunny whenever Fury makes an appearance." He smiled down at her.

Whatever retort Samantha was planning on making was interrupted by Stark throwing himself down in a chair across from them. Samantha noticed that even then he didn't spill a drop of his drink. Come to think of it was a rather large drink, even for Tony.

"Anthony are you ok?"

"Yeah, I'm just catching up on my drinking because you made me work today." His tone indicated he wasn't in the mood to discuss it.

Pepper sat down next to Tony and passed the salad she had brought to the table with her to Samantha.

"How is Charles getting back to the tower?" Pepper asked.

"He said he'd be back when he finished up at the helicarrier. Fury had a few recruit assessments he wanted a hand with." Clint answered, plopping down on the other side of Deadpool. The both of them ignored the salad as Samantha passed it their way.

"We're headed back upstate tomorrow." Logan elaborated. He helped himself to some salad as it stopped near his plate.

Samantha smiled, she had figured none of the guys would take any salad, so she was pleasantly surprised. She knew from experience that Deadpool would only eat it if she threw taco meat and corn chips in it.

"Trying to keep your girlish figure, Logan?" Wade teased.

"Nah, it's good for hair growth, you should try it." Wolverine answered back.

Wade flipped him off but didn't otherwise comment. He was too busy digging into his steak. Samantha after trying a bite of hers was completely in agreement. Why argue when you could eat steak?

Supper passed pleasantly enough until the very end when JARVIS announced that both Director Fury and Professor Xavier were on their way up. Samantha sighed, she knew he'd be back eventually. She had just been hoping it wouldn't be today.

{Cue the bar bunny.}

"No point, he'll know what I'm up to this time around. But after I put these plates in the dishwasher I'll happily sit with you on the sofa." One 16oz steak, a baked potato, salad, and an _exceedingly_ long day were starting to catch up with her.

"I'll join you in a bit; I have something to do first." Rising from the table Wade ran a hand down her cheek.

"I'm sorry to inform you Ms. Wiley, but the Director has specifically asked that you be in attendance." JARVIS added.

"Fantastic…"

 **Author's Note(s)**

 **Thank you all for the Reviews, Follows, and Favorites! I love them, probably more than is healthy.**


	21. Chapter 21 Getting up with Fleas

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Fury wasn't happy, but then when was he? Probably the closest he had come to that emotion since having to deal with Stark was satisfaction. And he wasn't even close to satisfied when it came to the way this job had was accomplished Hell, he'd had two agents puke when they found the body. Fortunately, and he couldn't even believe he was thinking this, the hand that had been ripped off was still intact enough to give them fingerprints. That along with the DNA evidence they had found in abundance did confirm that it had been the now late Col. Bradley formerly of Somalia.

It was also very clear that the man had pissed off Deadpool a great deal. The real question was why was he so pissed off. Fury knew Deadpool had taken out Bradly, but while the mercenary was known for being crazy, he didn't usually mutilate a body. He'd get messy but once the body was down he didn't feel the need to put extra shots into it, let alone do what he had done today. More puzzling still was that none of the others had felt the need to stop him. There was clear evidence that both Hawkeye and Wolverine had been in the warehouse with him and hadn't bothered to stop it. It wasn't an emotional response to what Bradley had done at the Chrysler building or the bombed building on 8th Avenue. Knowing Deadpool he probably even appreciated the hell it had put NYPD through, no, something else had triggered this.

He was interrupted in his musings by Agent Hill clearing her throat. In her hand, she held a clear evidence bag. "Director, the evidence team recovered this from the warehouse where we found Bradley's body." She held it out to him for review.

"Oh, now that's interesting, I think I know exactly who was in that chair." Inside the bag were several long copper colored hair strands. Even in an evidence bag their color and curl were very distinctive.

Handing the bag back to Maria he gave a grim smile and started for the hanger. "Let Xavier know that I'm leaving for Avengers Tower and that I'd be _pleased_ to give him a ride. And have the techs see if they can pull any DNA from that."

-Scene break-

Samantha sat with Pepper on the sofa, both of them sipping on mugs of coffee. Deadpool had disappeared when Sam had gone into the kitchen and while she thought she knew where he was she wasn't sure. She didn't have time to worry about it however because Fury would be in the lounge any second now.

She had been hoping to stay off Fury's radar, but now that he was coming back a second time with questions she knew that disappearing would only pique his curiosity. No, now she had to answer his questions without giving away too much information. It wouldn't do anyone any favors if SHIELD decided they could use her to gather information about their future.

The less information SHIELD received, the less information Hydra received. Also, there was the butterfly effect to worry about. If Anthony knew that AIM and the Mandarin were in his future what would he change to avoid it? And by changing that what else would change? She couldn't risk the destruction of this timeline. She hadn't even brought it up with Deadpool despite her being semi-confident he already knew about it.

This train of thought was cut short by the opening of the elevator doors. Fury's face was set in its usual grimace, which made it hard to tell if he was truly pissed or not. Probably fair to assume he was pissed about something but she'd let him bring up what specifically so she didn't tip her hand.

Sweeping all assembled with a look, he settled his gaze upon her. His first comment was filled with bitter amusement, "You know for a _casual_ acquaintance of Deadpool's you seem rather at home in Avengers Tower."

"Well, maybe that's because I'm such a friendly person." She replied with a smile.

"Oh yes, _friendly_ was definitely the impression I got earlier. Somehow though I think that might have been the wrong take on the matter. I mean you never even introduced yourself." Came his pointed reply.

"How terribly impolite of me, my name is Samantha, Samantha Wiley."

"Uh huh, and what brings you to my tower?"

"Technically it's my tower, used to have my name on it." Stark cut in, "Besides Dad, it's not even a school night, Mom said we could have friends over."

"Don't get cute with me on this one Stark, we both know that anyone who hangs out with Deadpool on a regular basis is either stupid or dangerous or both."

(Now we're stupid versus crazy. Not really an improvement.)

"Gee, international man of mystery and still he has time to flatter little ol me." She drawled.

"Oh, you want flattery too, do you? Haven't you had enough of that for one day? I had four men clearing a tower of explosives, and they left that job to come and get involved with some mess you were in."

"Be careful there Bub wasn't the lady's fault she got mixed up in that." Wolverine warned.

"She's not dangerous Fury, although if you keep using that tone with her, you might be in danger."

[Strike One]

Deadpool was back, and wearing his usual costume. No matter how much he had learned to relax around Samantha and in part the occupants of the tower he wasn't prepared to do it with Fury. Fury probably wasn't either.

Deadpool strolled past Fury without even a sideways glance. He paused for a moment in front of the sofa and gave Pepper a small smile. It was a silent thank you for staying with Sam while he had been out of the room. She returned it and then got up to join Tony, Deadpool immediately dropped into the spot she vacated.

(One of these days I'm going to figure out how that mask is so expressive.)

He just grinned at her and then turned and regarded Fury. "What do you want to know Nickie? Oh and I'm going to assume," He gave Fury a harder look, "that once we finish answering these questions that you're going to leave the lady alone."

"That depends on the answers I get," Fury growled. Unlike Bradly he had experience with what he, not so secretly, termed 'his problem children'. Not that Deadpool worked for SHIELD, but he had completed a contract for them on a few occasions.

"Ask away." Samantha had shifted again so that she now sat with her legs curled up under her, one slightly extended so that her foot was touching the side of Deadpool's thigh. It served as a sort of touchstone for her but also allowed him to move freely, should he deem it necessary.

Fury narrowed his eye as he took in the movement and the familiarity it expressed. "Explain to me why you are so damn comfortable in this tower. And why four highly trained operatives… Alright, three highly trained operatives and Stark would drop what they are doing to come and find you?"

"JARVIS remind me never to offer Fury the good stuff again." Tony mumbled in the background. It made Sam smile and Clint snort.

Sam considered her answer a moment before replying. "It's complicated, but I'll explain it as best I can. I'm from what you would consider an alternate reality. No one's quite sure on the how part but I ended up here in early July. I know about Stark, Deadpool and the others from my dimension, and they seemed like the best place to start for some help getting back. I'm not supposed to be here, so I've been doing my best to lay low and not affect this reality. As much as possible anyway," she acknowledged the day's events with a grimace.

Sam held up an arm to forestall the questions she could see forming and continued. "Yes, I know it's a vague answer, but I'm sorry to say there was no guy on the other side selling tickets to another dimension, no flash of light, no portal, and no off-ramp signs. I woke up here in New York the Friday before the holiday. I don't' even live in this state in my own dimension. So when things started adding up that I was beyond 'wrong time wrong place' I went looking for help. Deadpool," she indicated the silent figure beside her. "was kind enough to give me a hand getting into the tower to meet Stark. Since we get along so well I decided to stay with him versus staying in the tower."

(I'm getting so tired of explaining this. I should have cards made up.)

[I notice we're not mentioning movies or comics.]

(The less he knows, the better.)

Deadpool nodded his head in agreement.

"So what you're saying is you've been here for a month, and not one person thought that this should be brought up to SHIELD? " Fury eyed Barton for a moment, then regarded Professor Xavier. "Professor in your opinion does she pose a threat?"

"I couldn't guarantee that she won't cause trouble, but I can say it's not in her nature. While her mutation is similar to Deadpool's and Wolverine's she doesn't have any tactical training. Also unlike those two, violence isn't her instinct, take today for example. When Col. Bradley needed to get her out of the tower and past the security systems all he had to do was threaten violence to others, and she acted to stop it. Given that and what I can read off of her I wouldn't say she's dangerous to SHIELD or its mission." He sat perpendicular to the sofa, with his fingers steepled under his chin.

Fury thought about that for a moment before giving a sharp nod of his head. "What happened today? And how is this tied to Deadpool, because I know you are neck deep in this."

Deadpool grumbled a bit at Fury's tone but answered anyway. "Bradley didn't agree with some work I've done in the past. He wanted to use her, and Weasel as a way bring it to my attention. Stark has the video from the camera and security footage from JARVIS. It covers the last few hours Bradley spends on earth so it should give you all the information you need."

"Well by all means let's watch the video." Fury's face clearly implied that they should have started with that piece of information.

Samantha blanched causing the freckles that crossed the bridge of her nose to stand out sharply. A slight tremor had started in her hands, and she lowered her mostly empty coffee mug to disguise it.

(I don't think I can watch that without throwing up.)

[Strike Two.]

"No" Deadpool's voice was tight with anger. Leaning forward for emphasis, he continued. "There is no way in hell she sits here and watches it. You want to, fine. Enjoy, but watch it in another room."

"He's right; I just fast-forwarded through it while JARVIS loaded it and I refuse to have her or Pepper in the room while it's shown." Stark downed another tumbler in one go.

Deadpool almost wished he had seen it first so he'd know what to expect when Fury got done watching it. Judging by the closed off expression on Stark's face and the way Sam's foot was vibrating against his thigh it was worse than he had thought. And that was already pretty damn bad. If Fury were going to watch it in its entirety, it would take over an hour. .

As they had discussed before dinner, JARVIS had already copied it over to Stark's secure server, editing it was problematic, however. Bradley had pretty much kept up a running commentary and breaks would be painfully obvious.

[Her not screaming yet is either good or a disaster.]

{Funny how this is how most women end up around us.}

Reaching down he massaged the arch of her foot with his thumb, trying to get her to relax. If it did anything for her, she was doing a damn good job of hiding it.

Deadpool sighed, then looked over at Stark. "Can he watch it elsewhere?" Stark just nodded. "You able to watch it again? Or do you want Logan or Hawkeye to show it to him. I'm staying out here with Coyote."

"Coyote?" Fury's eyelid twitched.

"She's Wile E. Coyote, super genius. Hell, half the time I forget her real name is Sam." Hawkeye replied, but even his trademark smirk was missing.

Fury couldn't believe what he was seeing. Not only did every Avenger and X-men present seem ready to defend this woman but Deadpool was beyond defensive. One month and she had a complete sociopath eating out of her hands. No wonder Bradley had ended up the way he had. Fury smiled, perhaps he had found a way to control Deadpool, assuming the girl didn't smarten up and run for the hills.

Rising from his chair and turning to where Hawkeye and Wolverine still sat at the table he addressed Hawkeye. "I expect a more complete debrief tomorrow, but for the time being, I'll take a copy of those videos to go."

"I'll have JARVIS send the file right over." Stark's voice held a note of relief in it. Watching the video earlier had damn near given him a panic attack. He had a sinking feeling that sleep was going to be beyond him tonight.

"Done Sir." The AI chirped.

Fury swung back around to consider Samantha again. "If I were you, I'd move into Avenger's Tower and stay as far away from Deadpool as I could. I mean I'm sure you're having fun and all, but that old expression about laying down with dogs and getting up with fleas is still true today."

[And that's Three]

Deadpool started to get up, but Samantha stopped him with a hand to his chest. She smiled, but it did nothing to warm the cold green of her eyes. "Oh I know Director; why do you think I didn't ask SHIELD for help."

Fury's mouth tightened but instead of starting a pissing contest with her he just inclined his head and headed for the elevators. Mindful of JARVIS's ability to see anything inside the tower he kept the smile off his face until he reached his SUV. If he felt any pangs, about nudging a woman to stay with Deadpool to see if SHIELD could exploit the connection, he ignored them.


	22. Chapter 22 Domestication

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Shortly after Fury had left, Samantha had indicated that she wanted to come back to the apartment. Given that it was still pouring out she had even conceded to taking a cab. Thankfully that ride had been uneventful. The cabby had just taken one look at Deadpool's attire with the katanas and guns strapped onto him and decided that silence was his best bet to making his way home to his wife and kids that night. Samantha also hadn't said a word; she just seemed content to stare out her window watching the buildings sweep by. She did take his hand when he threaded his fingers through hers, but it was more an absent motion than anything else.

Once they were back at the apartment, she climbed the stairs next to him still holding his hand. Her silence made Deadpool realize how accustomed he was becoming to having someone nearby constantly. Even when Samantha wasn't talking to him, she was normally very present in the room. Laughing, humming, or even just turning a smile on him. Now it was like someone had dimmed the lights and set her on autopilot, and Deadpool hated it.

Samantha had gravitated to the chair in the living room the moment they walked through the front door. She took the sweatshirt he had left on the back of the chair and pulled it on over her head. Snuggling into the worn cotton Sam drew her legs up underneath the hem of the shirt stretching it out. She had toed her converse off right inside the door, and her pale feet were about the only thing not currently hidden in his sweatshirt. Wade wasn't aware of it, but she found the lingering scents of mint, gun-oil, and him comforting. He studied her for another moment before slipping into the kitchen to turn on the coffee pot.

After setting the cream and sugar next to a mug for her, he headed back towards the bedroom they shared. Grabbing the clothes, he had been wearing that morning before the day had become a mess he changed out of his uniform. He left the guns and knife from his boots in the closet but laid Bea and Arthur on the bed. He had given them a quick wipe down before leaving the warehouse, but they needed more care before being replaced in their stand.

{Was that this morning?}

[Doesn't seem like it]

"Day's not done yet." He worried aloud.

Wade headed back out into the living room hoping the change in attire would perk her up a bit. Seeing she hadn't moved he circled the chair to kneel in front of her. Sliding a hand up under the edge of his sweatshirt he started to massage the muscles of her right calf.

"You know what? I think this is going to make my top five list for bad days." Her voice was huskier than usual, but at least she was speaking again. "Although in all fairness, it could have gone much worse."

[I don't think this makes it into the top 20 for us.]

{Top 50 though definitely.}

"Not helping." He snaked his other hand underneath the hoody to massage her other leg. His gaze never left her face, as he worked to loosen the tightness he found in her calves. It wasn't a complete surprise that her muscles were all knotted up, he had noticed her posture usually became more rigid if she was stressed.

She flexed her ankle frowning a bit. "What was the worst day you ever had? I mean I'm sure kidnapping and murder are pretty ordinary for you, but they're new to me." She froze realizing what she had just implied. She swallowed when she felt his hands still.

(God we're bad at this…)

{Told ya.}

[That actually took longer than we thought it would.]

Standing up abruptly he headed for the kitchen under the guise of getting her, her coffee. Sam debated for a moment and then followed him. "Wade wait, I'm sorry, I didn't mean that the way it sounded."

He stopped in front of her, back rigid, refusing to turn and look at her he said in a low voice. "If you're going to go, go now. I'm sure the others would be happy to have you at the tower. Just don't pretend to want to be here and disappear one day while I'm working."

She took another step forward and ran a hesitant hand up his back. "Look, I'm sorry. I just… I'm not used to seeing people die. I mean obviously having watched all the Marvel movies I know what you and Wolverine and the rest do but they're movies. Bradley was the first time it involved me. He blew up part of a building just to get me to leave the tower. The colonel hit me, he broke Weasel's arm and implied he was going to do a few other things. So I'm not arguing that he shouldn't have died today. I guess it's just the first time it's been _real_ to me."

"It should never have happened; you would have been perfectly safe had you decided to stay with Stark that first night." He ground out.

"Not according to the movies, so far as I know his tower had been attacked and nearly demolished, his company in California blew an arch reactor sky-high, and his house in Malibu falls into the sea because he gave his address out to a terrorist." She snapped her mouth shut; she hadn't meant to list that last one. Taking a deep breath, she waited for him to make a comment on it. When he didn't, she continued. "And let's not get started on X-mansion, that's always a disaster waiting to happen. Being near you is probably the safest place to be, after all, you did come charging to my rescue today. More importantly it's where I want to be."

Wade's shoulder's slumped, although she couldn't be sure if it was with relief or defeat. "So you're not leaving?"

"Not a chance, you'll have to shove me kicking and screaming out the door." Her voice was teasing, but her arms had come around, and she was hugging him tightly. He leaned into the contact silently thanking whoever or whatever had sent her here.

They stayed like that for a moment before he indicated the coffee machine with a gesture. "Do you still want coffee or do you want to go to bed?"

Raising her head, from where it had been resting against the well-developed muscles of his back, she hummed a bit in thought. "Coffee, I'm not sure any sleep I have tonight is going to be restful. And besides, I'm going to be up for at least an hour trying to tame this hair of mine."

Wade laughed, Samantha looked like she'd gotten shoved through a bush, her usually neat hair seeming to defy gravity. Moving to lean against the counter he dragged her with him to stand between his legs. "If it bothers you so much Princess why not just get it cut short?"

Samantha gasped and clutched at her hair. "You best hush your mouth. The last time I cut my hair short, it looked like I was electrocuted for months. Besides once I get the snarls out and take a shower I'll put it up in a braid again. And then you," she pointed a finger at him, "will leave it be."

"I make no promises; it's way too much fun to play with." He handed her a cup for her coffee and then moved so she could reach the pot behind him.

Coffee doctored to within an inch of its life; Sam wandered out of the kitchen, but instead of heading for the chair she made her way to the 'dining room' table. Sitting down at the table she took a sip of her coffee then regarded him. "I came to a conclusion today."

Pulling out the chair opposite of hers, he sat down with his own mug of coffee; his was nearly black. "And that was?"

"That I do NOT need an armed escort everywhere I go." She mused.

Deadpool nearly spit his coffee out. "And you came to this harebrained idea how?"

"Quit bein' hateful, what I mean is that there is no point to it. Y'all left me in the Avengers Tower; it has the best security in the city. If someone wants to get me, they will, whether I'm shut up in a tower or guarded by a dragon. So I might as well go back to acting like an adult and not some princess in a fairytale."

"So you being kidnapped and nearly raped somehow convinced you that you should be allowed to roam around the city by yourself? This is how the South lost the war isn't it?"

"Kentucky was a border state which sided with the Union, but I will forgive your ignorance because you're Canadian, bless your heart." She arched an eyebrow at him.

{Bless your heart actually means the opposite doesn't it.}

[Ya think?]

Before Wade himself could say anything she cut in again. "I'm not asking to wander the city without letting you or someone else know where I am. I'm just saying that I don't need to be kept like fine china. I can walk down to the corner store for a magazine or coffee without having you tag along. If you do something local I don't need anyone at the tower to babysit, I would be just as happy stayin' home."

Deadpool narrowed his eyes, "You already do it at the tower don't you?"

"Even if I didn't it's not like Pepper or Jane is armed, heck Tony isn't armed half the time either. His suit is in the trunk of his car, not attached to him when he's out. And yet amazingly they all seem to survive." She reasoned.

"I was wrong earlier; your father didn't sleep well from the day you were born." He ground out.

"I'm going to assume that by that you mean you have conceded defeat." She smiled and went to rinse her now empty coffee mug in the sink.

Deadpool thought about arguing with her some more, he also thought about going back to the tower and demanding to know who let her leave it by herself, and then shooting them.

[Probably Stark]

"I'm going out." He surprised them both by saying. "Do me a favor and stay inside this time."

"Ok…" Samantha watched him head back towards the bedroom again.

Ten minutes later he was headed out the door suited up with his guns and swords strapped down.

(What the heck just happened?)

Deadpool didn't get far; he ended up sitting on the edge of a roof three buildings down. There he sat arguing with himself about how much Sam got under his skin. He wasn't sure if he wanted to choke her till she was quiet or sit there and listen to that drawl all night.

{Is this how Logan feels?}

[Probably not.]

"We don't drawl; we barely even say 'eh anymore." He huffed.

[And you think that's why Logan wants us to shut up?]

Deadpool thought about that for a moment. "No, probably not." Throwing himself backwards onto the roof surface he lay there thinking about how screwed up his life was. Completely lost in thought, he didn't notice the rainwater soaking into his uniform and chilling his skin. He also failed to notice when a familiar red and blue figure landed nearby.

Spider-Man studied Deadpool for a moment; the merc was laying there with his legs dangling off the edge. He was talking to himself, apparently carrying on a full-blown conversation with whatever voices he was hearing. Every once in a while, he'd flail a bit when the discussion got rowdy.

"I mean when did I even get domesticated?" Deadpool grumbled.

{When you let her put a chicken table in our apartment.}

"You've been domesticated? Does this mean you wear a collar now?" Spider-Man's question startled him out of his reverie.

*Should probably get a flea bath as well.*

"You definitely need to go back to the vet…"

"If she had her way I would be, and it would have a bell on it. I just woke up one morning, and I was somehow involved with a crazy redhead who cleans my apartment, she cooks, touches my stuff, and she buys furniture." Deadpool really hoped he didn't sound as sulky as he thought he did. But it was nice to have someone to talk to, and the rain had finally stopped.

{And you enjoy it.}

[Her, not it.]

{No I meant it, the whole fucking deal.}

[He does, poor asshole is going to screw it up somehow.]

"Redhead? You mean the one I saw you with before? She's still around?" Peter remembered thinking she'd be running out the door the following morning.

*I honestly didn't think he could keep a house plant that long let alone a girl*

"I have a cat, well sort of." Deadpool replied defensively.

[Sam has a cat, you're just the one who's been feeding it the past six months.]

{Ungrateful fur bag.}

"So let me see if I have this right. You're laying here on a wet rooftop because a real live woman is in your apartment, who cleans and cooks? I can see where that would be weird for you." One of the reasons why Spider-Man liked hanging out with Deadpool was the comedic gold he provided.

"Wait you have a girlfriend right?" Deadpool was suddenly on his feet again. "I can never remember if it's Emma or Kirsten or if they're alive or dead or dating your best friend." He looked hopefully over at Spidey.

*What am I even supposed to say to that?*

"Trust me Wade you really don't want my advice, and who are Emma and Kirsten?" He was about to say he was dating Gwen, and she was fine, but he didn't need to give the Merc with a Mouth personal information.

Deadpool was pacing now "She's driving me crazy!" Spider-Man just gave him a look. "Oh alright, she's driving me crazier than I already am…"

"Are you sure you don't have that the other way around? You know, where you're actually the one driving her insane and any moment now she's going to run screaming." Peter reasoned.

"You'd think, but no, she got kidnapped today. It was totally my fault. This guy took her out of the tower, and he hurt her, and I had to kill him and what does she do? She doesn't even get angry at me. She thinks it's even a reason she should be allowed to be alone from time to time." Deadpool threw his hands in the air in frustration.

*Not convincing me that she's not the crazy one.*

"That mess earlier today was you? My aunt got called in early tonight because of what happened on 8th." Parker sounded less than pleased.

*All I had for dinner was a hot pocket and it's supposed to be meatloaf night*

"If she ran screaming that would be something I'd be used to. But instead, she just thanked me for rescuing her. I tried to convince her to stay at the tower, that she'd be better off there. She refused to go, said I'd have to drag her out of the apartment kicking and screaming. What am I supposed to do now? I mean she's gorgeous, smart, and for some insane reason wants to spend time with me."

"Enjoy it while it lasts?" Queried Peter, watching Deadpool pace.

"That's your advice, enjoy it while it lasts?! What are you like 16?" Deadpool stopped pacing to stare at him.

"Yes actually, but I turn 17 in a few months," Peter shrugged.

[That's right, the Garfield one is jail-bait.]

{A damn shame.}

[Even he has to have some standards.]

{We can wait three years.}

[Technically he's legal in little over a year.]

Deadpool groaned, clearly Web-Head was going to be no help when it came to resolving how Sam had him tied up in knots. To be fair about this Spidey had only met Samantha for about 30 seconds before she'd fallen asleep so maybe if he knew her better he could give better advice.

[How is that going to help?]

{Can't hurt.}

Actually upon further reflection anyone that asked the kid for dating advice probably deserved all the hell they got from it. Which wasn't going to stop him from dragging the Web-Head home so that he could meet her and then hopefully figure out where the heck he had gone wrong.

{I'm confused why are we trying to get rid of the chick who willingly sleeps with us?}

[For her own good. And it'll hurt less than if she smartens up and runs out the door on her own.]

{Got it.}

"Spidey you said something about dinner?"

"Umm no…"

"Sure you did, besides Coyote won't mind." That was debatable but hey great decisions were not what he was known for. Deadpool pulled up his sleeve and checked his Hello Kitty watch; it was just past 1 am. How long had he been up here? Samantha might not even still be up.

[Or she's up and mad as hell.]

{Spidey makes a great human shield. She's southern; she wouldn't yell at us in front of him.}

Spider-Man was about to head out when Deadpool grabbed him around the waist and slung him over a shoulder. Peter swallowed back a yip of surprise if Deadpool had wanted to hurt him his Spider Senses would have gone off. Not that he wanted to know what crazy scheme Wade had in mind now.

"Wade put me down now or so help me I will web you to the side of the building." Spider-Man tried to sound as threatening as possible. Sometimes this worked and sometimes Deadpool would take it as a dare, it depended on his mood.

"If I set you down will you come eat dinner with Sam and me? Is it a late dinner or early breakfast at one in the morning? "

[We already had dinner.]

{I could eat again…}

[You can't get hungry because you aren't physically real.]

{Then why do you like bacon?}

Peter was about to say no when his stomach grumbled. Wade laughed and dropped him onto the roof. Fortunately, thanks to his reflexes he managed to land in a crouch versus flat on his stomach. Deadpool gave him about a second to stand back up before he made the leap between the building they were currently on and the one next door. Spiderman debated not following but then realized he actually wanted to meet the woman who survived living with Deadpool. Well, that and check she wasn't somehow chained to a wall or something.

*Aw crap….*

"Hey Wade, this lady is staying willingly right? You haven't locked her in a room or chained her to your bed or something?" He followed Deadpool, making the leap easily.

"I told you, I tried to get her to go back to the tower." Came the disgruntled answer.

{I'm not trying, she cooks. Remember that pie she made?}

[The strawberry or the peach?]

"The peach, although both were worth un-aliving for."

"Wait what?! You didn't say anything about killing anyone!" Spider-Man yelped.

Deadpool cast him an exasperated look over his shoulder. "I didn't say we were going to K-word, anyone. I said her pie was worth it."

"That's not at all what you said," Spiderman argued.

Wade shrugged, "Close enough. Yellow was pointing out that we shouldn't try to get rid of her because she bakes."

"Oh, of course, the voices would want to keep her. What was I thinking?" The younger man snarked.

"Yellow likes her, White does too, but he agrees she'd be safer elsewhere." Deadpool explained ignoring the other's sarcasm.

[That's not exactly what I said. But I can see where admitting the second part would make you a pansy.]

"Well, you aren't exactly a bastion of safety. How exactly was her kidnapping your fault? I mean did you leave her sleeping on the sidewalk or something?"

"No, brat. I did some work a few weeks ago; it pissed some people off." Deadpool stopped to open up the door down to the stairwell.

"Isn't that normal for you, the pissing people off part I mean." Peter pointed out.

"Fuck you; I don't want to talk about it." Deadpool growled.

"Dude, did you just tell me you don't want to talk about it? I'd ask if you're sick but I don't think that's possible." Spider-man was only half kidding.

"Maybe, shit, shit, shitty shit, I'm in trouble. Do you know she didn't get mad at all, she just thanked me?" Deadpool was mumbling to himself.

{He's repeating himself.}

[What's new?]

"You mentioned." Peter nodded his head.

"The apartment is neat, and not because she cleans constantly. I mean she did, at first, but I've found myself picking up things. The other day I took out the trash, and she didn't even ask. She never asks me to do that sort of thing, but then she smiles at me when I do, so I find myself doing stuff like making coffee. Did you know that she takes her coffee with so much cream and sugar in it it's nearly the color of the freckles on her upper arms?" Deadpool leaned against the wall of the stairwell; they were almost to his floor, but he wasn't ready to open his front door.

{He's fucked.}

[Crash and burn.]

"You don't sound convinced that you want her to leave. I mean I know I'm only in high school and all, but I'm pretty sure you want her to stay."

*How do I get mixed up in these things. I was just about to head home, and now I'm babysitting a sad drunk, who isn't even drunk.*

"I didn't say I wanted her to go; I said she should leave. Pack up everything she owns and go and live in Avengers' Tower until Stark figures out a way to send her back where she belongs. Better for us both if she goes now." How did the Web-Head not understand this?

"Maybe but isn't that up to her? I mean you could ask her to leave, and I guess she'd have to, but I have a feeling she wouldn't go to the tower. I mean if I had to tell people Deadpool kicked me out because I was driving him crazy I'd probably live like a hermit. I'd be holed up in a shack in Canada. So I guess that means she'd live with Victor." Spider-Man tried really hard to keep the smirk out of his voice.

*If he shoots me, it was totally worth it.*

"You are seriously the worst friend I have ever heard of." Wade groaned.

"Ah but you have heard of me…" Peter was having a hard time keeping a straight face.

"No way do you get to be Captain Jack Sparrow; you can maybe be Will Turner. You know the idealist who doesn't get the girl." Deadpool argued.

[Actually, he does get the girl.]

{We just end up getting slapped a lot.}

"Elizabeth ends up with Will. You just get slapped around by all the girls on the island. So I guess you're right, I have to be Will Turner." Spiderman corrected

*Well that works if I'm talking about Gwen and not whatever her name is.*

{Told ya!}

"All of you shut up!" The following silence lasted all of 15 seconds before Parker started talking again.

He was probably taking his life in his hands, but he had to ask. "She doesn't hit you does she? Is that why she has to go to the tower? Because despite the fact that your Deadpool that would still be considered domestic abuse, and it would be wrong."

Deadpool was now leading him down the fourth-floor hallway and shook his head at the nonsense that Parker was spilling. "No kid she doesn't hit me."

"Of course knowing you, you'd just consider it a turn on. Also hitting women is wrong, you know that right? I mean I'm not saying you do hit her; I'm just making sure you know you're not supposed to." He stumbled to a stop because Deadpool had stopped walking directly in front of him. The mercenary suddenly seemed so much bigger as he grabbed Spider-man by the front of his costume and dragged him into his personal space.

"Let's get one thing straight Web-Head; I would NEVER hit her. I ripped a man's hand off today because HE hit her, and if I told you what happened to him next you'd be throwing up on my boots. So you can take your morality, and your great responsibility shtick and shove it up your ass." He loosened his hold on Peter's costume and puffed out a breath.

*I deserved that.*

{He totally did}

"Are you PMSing? Do you need chocolate? Maybe she has some Midol you can borrow?" He joked, trying to relieve the tension. Spiderman couldn't remember the last time Wade had actually lost patience with him.

"I swear Baby Boy if you offer me a Snickers I will not be held responsible for what happens next." Deadpool wasn't entirely mollified, but he'd take the humor. They were standing right outside his door now.

Spider-Man, who had only ever seen Wade's apartment from the fire escape, had noticed that while the building was older, it wasn't bad. The hallway carpet was clean and the doors all had tidy numbers assigned to them. He did notice that there were six apartments on one side and only five on the side that appeared to be Deadpool's. He was about to ask Wade why that was when the door in front of them suddenly opened.

 **Author's Notes**

 **Hello my lovelies, I'm sorry that I'm only releasing one chapter a week right now. It's because my family is moving in less than two weeks and I'm doing a lot of packing and organizing and such. It's a multi-state move so lots of logistics. But I do have out to Chapter 25 written already to be released so never fear. Hopefully this is going to be a seamless transition.**

 **Thank you all so much for your reviews and comments! I love getting them.**


	23. Chapter 23 Peach CobblerRuthless Mercs

**(Pink)**

 **[White]**

 **{Yellow}**

 **(MCU)**

Sam had been sitting flipping through the channels on the TV by the time she heard Wade outside the door. Wade had left what seemed like an eternity even though it had only been a few hours. And damned if she wasn't madder than a wet hen that he would just up and leave like that.

(You mean worry you. If you were really mad you wouldn't have baked a peach cobbler while you waited.)

"Either way, that man is getting a piece of my mind." She told herself as she stomped towards the door and threw it open. "Where the heck have you been….. Oh um, hello Spider-man." She hastily backed up, opening the door wider and sweeping her arm in a 'come on in' gesture.

Wade tossed her a grin probably knowing that Spider-man had just saved him from listening to her rant. Sam was just grateful she had changed into running shorts and a t-shirt instead of a pair of pajamas after her shower. At the time, she had debated going to bed without Wade but had felt restless. Which had led to some serious baking.

(It was either that or drinking. And sadly we don't drink.)

Wade frowned, taking in Pink as it/she flashed above Sam's head. Shoving Peter ahead of him into the living room he noticed the smell of warm peaches and cinnamon heavy in the air. He sighed, he already knew, despite them only having lived together a month, that Sam only baked when she was really happy or anxious.

[I'll give you two guesses, and the first one doesn't count.]

Rolling his shoulders in a vain attempt to relieve some tension he introduced the other two. "I know you guys have met before, but I don't think Coyote here really remembers. So Spider-man meet Samantha Wiley Coyote, Coyote meet the Web-Head."

"Uh, hi, nice to talk to you when you're um awake." Parker stumbled over that a bit. I mean what do you say to a lady when you show up in 'her' apartment at nearly two am because her boyfriend dragged you there.

Sam smiled, she could tell by his voice that this Spidey was younger, probably a high school version. And while she wasn't thrilled that he was here at this time of night his presence did go a long way in explaining where the heck Deadpool had been. She knew once Wade started talking he didn't pay attention to time at all. "Yes, it's nice to see you again as well. Sorry, I fell asleep on you last time. It had been a very long and strange day. I'd offer you a seat but as you can see we only have the one chair."

(I'm so ordering furniture tomorrow.)

Spider-man used the comment as a reason to take a good look around the room he was in. Along the right wall, the kitchen was separated from the living room by a half wall that boasted an eat-at-bar. It didn't have any chairs right now, but it gave a great view into the kitchen. The counters were older, but they were gleaming, he could even see a large baking dish resting on a trivet from where he stood.

*Explains that heavenly smell.*

Tucked further back along the right wall he could see what might be a dining room and at least one window. The room they were standing in now was a fairly large living room with a single chair but multiple bookcases. A hallway extended to the left but he couldn't see what was down it as he was still right inside the entrance.

*I didn't even know he could read.*

"This place is huge." He stated without even thinking about it.

*How the hell does Deadpool live in a place like this?!*

"Huge?" Sam asked. She had never given any real thought to the size or layout of the apartment. It was nearly the same size as her condo in North Carolina, but to her, the condo was regular sized. It like this one was a two bedroom, with one set up as an office slash guest room. Of course, hers actually had furniture, but it did have less storage space.

"Yes huge, it's almost the same size as my aunt's house. It has to be what, 1600 square feet, just what I can see from here is probably close to 800 feet." He looked at Deadpool for confirmation.

"Just about 1700 square feet. The back wall of the living room hides storage and the utility space. The door to them is in the room you can see past the kitchen. The bedrooms and baths are to the left." Deadpool confirmed Peter's estimate, although he seemed not particularly enthusiastic about the subject.

"Well yeah, but isn't that a normal sized apartment?" Sam didn't understand what the fuss was about.

"Not here in New York, here the average apartment is maybe 800 square feet. Unless of course you're an Osborne or a Rockefeller, or Tony Stark." He wandered further into the room to peer down the hallway. "That's why this floor is one apartment door short; this one is actually two isn't it?"

Wade nodded. "Yeah, but I didn't convert it. The couple who lived here before renovated, I just snatched it up when they vacated it."

"You didn't kill them did you?" Spiderman was only half joking.

"What, no I didn't un-alive them. I just happened to find it and like it. Seemed like a nice place for us, I mean me, to move into. And the extra storage space is good for all the guns and stuff."

{Vanessa should have stuck around.}

[Yeah we rented it for her, and then she left us.]

"So what is it like three bedrooms?" Peter hadn't noticed the tension creeping in yet.

"It's a two bedroom, but the master suite is rather large," Sam replied, trying not to think about what the boxes were still jabbering about. "All in all, I like it, although I would have had more furniture if it was my place."

"The table is nice." Deadpool hurried to say. "And I'm sure more stuff will make its way in here given time." He meant it as a peace offering but judging by Sam's eyebrows it wasn't an entirely successful one.

"Speaking of the dining table, Peter are you hungry?" She didn't realize what she had said until both men stared at her.

"Umhh how do you know my name is Peter? Did Deadpool tell you it?!" Spiderman's voice came out sounding a little panicked. He couldn't have Deadpool, of all people knowing who he really was.

*Jesus now I'm going to have to convince Aunt May to sell the house and move.*

"No, no he didn't. Although I'm like 99.9% certain that he knows it anyway." She reassured him.

(Not at all helpful.)

Sam tried again. "Look in my universe; everyone knows who Spider-man is. My kids could tell you before they turned 5, mostly because you have a cartoon series or three there. Which they adored by the way. And I'm sorry if I outed you in front of Wade, I just thought he had clued you into the whole 'I'm not from around here' thing."

"Oh of course, in your dimension I'm a cartoon. That makes perfect sense! What was I worried about? Next, you'll tell me that in that universe that Deadpool is just a character in a movie and not some crazy mercenary who now knows my secret identity." Peter was torn between standing there and arguing about how this was horrible and running out the front door to go and start packing. Maybe he could convince Aunt May that Arizona was a nice place to live.

"Chillax Parker, it's not like she used your full name and social security number. Hell, she has our Social Insurance Number, and she isn't spreading it around the internet." Deadpool grated out.

[She also lives with us, and is our accountant numb nuts.]

"Look, Peter, I'm sorry I didn't realize that you didn't know I would know your real name. But I assure you that I'm not going to use this information to hurt you or your family. I was just trying to be nice and offer you something to eat. I swear that I won't speak it outside the three of us." Sam's voice was even, and she was making little calming motions with her hands.

"How do I know this isn't some elaborate trap." He worried aloud.

"Because I'm off the clock." Deadpool joked.

"Because if you are truly worried about it you can contact both Pepper Potts and Professor Xavier and discuss it with them. Although they'd probably thank you not to call right this very minute." Samantha murmured, shooting a glare at Wade.

That seemed to calm him a bit more, as did the realization that the door wasn't locked. Taking a deep breath, he regarded Sam. "Am I really a cartoon?"

"You're not only a cartoon, but a movie franchise, and a highly successful comic series. Actually you might be the most popular one, I'm not sure. I just watched the movies, and listened to my kids when they talked about the cartoons." She assured him.

(And watched them, with them.)

"Does Deadpool have a cartoon?" He seemed to warm to the subject.

"No, he's been on your cartoon once or twice but doesn't have one of his own. He's not exactly child appropriate at the best of times. But he did have an excellent movie, and his comic series." She decided to ignore the fact that he'd been in another movie. As far as she was concerned, that wasn't her Deadpool.

"And then there's fanfiction," Deadpool added.

{Spideypool!}

[This is a fanfiction, it explains why Sam is here.]

"Didn't we already know that?"

{Maybe.}

[Yes, and Sam agreed.]

Spiderman cast Deadpool a curious look, but Samantha derailed whatever question he was about to ask. "So _did_ you want something to eat? Or can I offer you a beverage? We have tea, lemonade, coke, and milk. Well, we have beer too, but something tells me you're way too young."

"What she means is we have diabetes in a glass, southern water, orange soda, and milk." Deadpool cut in.

"Tea is supposed to be sweet; it isn't my fault you weren't raised to appreciate it." She retorted.

"Is the spoon supposed to stand up in the glass?" Wade liked her tea, but he never missed a chance to tease her about it.

"I make it that way because the idiot I live with has both a sweet tooth, and a metabolism the size of Texas." She sassed in return.

Deadpool flashed a grin for a second before pretending indignation. "Come with me Parker and I'll show you what I mean." He grabbed the young hero by his shoulder and towed him into the kitchen. Pulling open the fridge he indicated the bright orange soda cans inside. "Now what do those cans say?"

"Umm Fanta?" He answered, not really sure what the question was about.

", Good boy, that's right they say, Fanta, nowhere on the can does it say Coke. Now you can have some cobbler." Deadpool nodded as he spoke.

Sam, who was busy taking down three plates from the cabinet, responded with. "Notice also that nowhere on the can does it say that Wade gets to have peach cobbler."

Peter's mask only partially hid the smirk on his face. "I'm starting to like her. You should keep her around Deadpool."

[Worst friend ever.]

"Worse than the one who stabbed you earlier?" Sam asked innocently.

"Yes, at least Wolvie doesn't fuck with my emotions. Just the inside of my head." Came the considered reply.

"How do you affect the vacuum of space?" Spidey snarked.

"Hey now, be nice or no cobbler for you either. Between the two of you, I'm going to have to eat this thing myself or drag it over to the tower and give it to Clint." Samantha threatened.

"That's assuming you could get past me, Princess. I am the world's most skilled mercenary." Wade struck a pose.

"Bring it." She gave him a mocking karate bow.

Samantha had barely managed to straighten up before Deadpool lunged forward. Swiveling on her heels she bolted towards the living room, laughing. She had just about made it to the chair when Deadpool tackled her from behind, being careful to land with her on top. She shrieked in surprise and tried to wiggle free, but he wasn't through with her. Instead of letting her up he tickled her until she started to beg for mercy.

"Waaadee stop! Please stop!" She was wheezing and hiccupping, and he was almost positive he had heard her snort a few times as well. Flailing around she did manage to catch him with an elbow to the chin, but it was hard to say who it hurt more. "Peeeter help!" she wheezed.

"No thanks, I mean I'm all for saving New York, but not if it involves rolling around on the floor with Deadpool." He laughed, leaning back against the counter on the living room side. His sharp eyes didn't miss the fact that Wade was exceedingly careful not to hurt her.

"Who's the most fearsome mercenary you know?" Deadpool growled in her ear, barely avoiding getting his nose broken when she thrashed again.

"Deadpool!" She shrieked still laughing. He had found a spot just on the ridge of her collarbone that yielded great results.

"I'll accept that as an enthusiastic answer and not a plea for mercy." He decided right before he executed a flip maneuver that brought him to his feet with Samantha clutching at his chest. He set Sam on her feet but held onto her until he was sure she was steady. "Now what was that about not getting any cobbler?" Even though his mask was down it was very clear his eyebrows were waggling. Sam, who was still slightly breathless, just smiled.

Peter broke the moment with. "Your neighbors hate you don't they?"

Samantha blushed, but Deadpool just shrugged. "Pre-WWII construction, thick brick walls. Besides, they're free to come knock on the door if they don't like it."

"If they know who lives here, they won't knock." Peter pointed out.

"Either way works for me." Wade dismissed the idea of annoyed neighbors in favor of getting his promised dessert.

Sam quickly washed her hands before cutting them each a piece of cobbler. Wade rummaged around in the freezer till he located a carton of French vanilla ice cream. He managed to get more or less even scoops of ice cream on each plate. Peter just watched with a bemused expression on his face; he hadn't consciously realized it yet, but they reminded him of his aunt and uncle.

*There is no way he's ever going to have her move out of this place. In fact, God help New York is she ever leaves him.*

Deadpool made a face at that but otherwise ignored him, electing instead to follow Sam out to the dining room table.

"I don't remember this being here before," Spider-man said as he sat down at the table. The fire escape window was right across from the table, and that was the window he popped in whenever he chose to stop by and lecture Deadpool.

"She bought it." Wade indicated Sam, who was sitting beside him. "Something about shopping being soothing, and that her mother didn't raise her to eat on the floor."

"All part of the great 'domestication' scheme I see" Peter taunted Deadpool, casting a look at the Yankee Candle in the middle of the table.

"Domestication?" Sam repeated, her fork stilling on the way to her mouth.

Not recognizing the threat that suddenly flared to life in Sam's eyes Spidey blithely continued. "When I ran into him earlier he was lying on a rooftop three buildings over mumbling about becoming domesticated."

[Ah shit.]

{What just happened?}

(Do tell.)

Wade kicked Peter under the table in retribution, before turning his full attention to Sam. "What Web-Head means is that the boxes and I were having a talk about how things have been different this past month." He hedged.

{The chicken table.}

[We haven't shot ourselves in weeks.]

{'Cause we're not bored.}

[And we sit down to eat dinner.]

{At a chicken table.}

[Would you shut up about the table! There is no bloody chicken!]

"Duct-tape, assholes, duct-tape." He growled at them.

[We're noncorporeal voices, you can't duct-tape us.]

"Have they been like that for the past couple of hours?" Sam studied him, taking in the tense set of his shoulders.

"Have who been like that?" Spider-man asked, still absently rubbing his shin where Deadpool kicked him.

"His boxes," Samantha replied, more concerned with Deadpool's fraying edges than Spidey's leg.

"You can see them?! Jeez, that must be a fun show." Peter was now insanely curious.

"Some days, and some days not." Sam's voice held that warning tone that all moms have used on their kids when they should quit while they're ahead. Peter had heard it used often enough when he was growing up to heed it now. Sam studied Deadpool a few more moments, then rose to her feet. "I'm going to grab you another piece; Peter do you want more?"

"No thanks, I'm just going to finish this piece and then I have to head out before my aunt comes home. She normally works 6 to 6, but she may get off early tonight because they called her in early." He rubbed the back of his neck, not used to telling people about his aunt while wearing his costume. "She works as a trauma nurse over at Lenox Hill."

"Lenox Hill, isn't that the big hospital up near Central Park?" Her voice drifted back towards them as she headed for the kitchen.

Instead of answering her Peter turned his attention to Wade. "She can see your voices?" He hissed at him.

"Yeah, and I can see hers," Deadpool confirmed.

Peter leaned across the table and picked up the candle playing with it. "Look I don't even know how that's possible, and frankly I don't want to know. But I'm telling you; you guys are like some crazy matched set. Emphasis on the crazy. And you would be the biggest idiot in New York if you had her move out. If I were you I'd be buying her flowers every chance, I had." Peter paused, hearing a grumble from Wade. "What?"

"That idiot today found her because I sent her flowers." Wade's voice had taken on the dead pitch it had when he had been talking to Bradley.

Samantha chose that exact moment to come swinging back around the corner carrying Wade's second cobbler piece and a glass of milk. "What did you do?" She glared at Peter.

"I might have mentioned flowers ."

Samantha sighed, "Oh that." She set the plate and glass down in front of Wade, but this time, instead of sitting next to him she dropped into his lap. "Ouch," she shifted a bit and removed Wade's gun from its holster. "New house rule, no being armed while eating, unless we're actively under siege."

Deadpool snorted, "I'll try to remember that one. Now give me that before you shoot yourself or Parker on accident."

"If I shoot either of you, it'll be on purpose. This is not the first gun I have ever handled; remember I grew up in the south." Sam set the gun on the table and shifted again to the side so that Deadpool could more easily reach his plate.

"Didn't your mother have some rule about weapons on the table? Or am I thinking of some other redhead?" Spiderman teased as he finished the last of his cobbler.

"Funny I thought you were known for your wit…" She poked back at him.

Pushing his plate away Peter sighed, "This was delicious, but I really have to go. I'd tell you two to stay out of trouble, but Wade pretty much embodies it."

Wade just flipped him off, but Sam got up again to walk with him towards the door. "Hold on a second Peter and I'll fix you up a plate to take home. I'll put in a piece for both you and Aunt May."

By the time she had fixed his takeaway, let Peter out, and come back to the table Wade had finished his cobbler and gone into the bedroom to get the cleaning kit for his swords. He found Sam sipping on what was left of her milk when he came back out with it. He settled down at the end of the table they hadn't used and spread his kit out. Cleaning his weapons was almost like a form of meditation for him, and he often used it to center himself when he riled up.

Finished with her milk Sam glanced at her watch. Ugh, it was 3 am, and she was still awake. She still didn't feel tired, but she knew if she went to bed she'd be out in a minute. Rounding up the few dirty plates she took them into the kitchen and rinsed them. She debated leaving them until tomorrow but then she figured it was already tomorrow so she might as well do them. Besides Wade had the second sword to care for before he'd put them away.

When the last dish was drying in the drainer, she dried her hands and wandered back out to see what progress Wade had made in his cleaning ritual. He was on the second blade now, coating it with a thin layer of oil to preserve the metal. It was almost hypnotic watching him, and she sat at the table with her head on her folded arms.

"Tired Princess?" Deadpool looked up from his task.

"Yes and no, I'm sure I'll pass out as soon as I hit the sheets, but I'm alright waiting." She murmured, not bothering to lift her head.

"I'll be done in a minute; you can go to bed." He reassured her.

"I'm good, I already locked the door, and took care of the kitchen." She might also be too tired to get up without incentive.

Wade quirked a brow at her but didn't argue. He just finished wiping the blade of excess oil. Safely stowed back in their sheaths he placed them on the stand on top of the bookshelf. Coming back to the table he extended a hand to haul Sam to her feet.

Sam stretched a bit and smiled. "See worth the wait, but for the record, I'm sleeping in tomorrow."

"You mean you aren't getting up at 5 am to drag us both out into the road to run?" He teased.

"Sweetheart if I'm up before 10 am tomorrow, it's because the building is on fire." She muttered.

"Sounds good to me but I'll believe it when I see it. You cheerful morning people can't seem to help yourselves, you just need to drag the rest of us out of bed with you."

By this time, they had made it to the bedroom, and she was never so happy to see that bed. Wade was stripping and tossing his suit in a pile in the customary corner. She smiled at this and then headed into the bathroom to brush her teeth. Wade kissed her shoulder blade as he passed her on his way to the shower.

The sheets were marvelously cool as she slipped between them. She lay quietly listening to the shower doing her best to not think any particular thoughts. For a moment, earlier that night she'd had that bubble wrap feeling again, and that worried her more than Bradly had.

(Do we want to think about that now?)

"Brain not shutting off Princess?"

"Not in the least, I keep going over certain things in my head. I'm laying here thinking I should have passed out hours ago. Then I start thinking about what happened today which leads to a deliberate effort not to think about today." Samantha's voice, muffled by the pillow, was barely understandable.

{If we screw her into the mattress she'll stop thinking.}

[Or she'll react to what happened earlier and start screaming.]

"Do you want me to sleep in the other room?" Wade wasn't sure how the hell those words had come out of his mouth.

[{What the fuck did he just say!?}]

Even Sam must have been amazed at what he just said because her head came up from where the pillow, and she sat up. "Why in heaven's name would I want you in the guest room?" He had her full attention now, watching him where he stood with the towel wrapped around his hips in the bathroom doorway. The light from behind him was the only source of illumination, but it was enough to show the astonished look on her face. Samantha shook her head and patted the bed.

(You're an idiot.)

[Agreed.]

"Probably, but hey everyone warned you, even me."

"No, I believe they said you were crazy, psychotic, and going to kill me eventually. But since I also have a healing factor I'm not particularly worried about that last one." She argued softly.

Wade flipped off the bathroom light and tossed his towel onto the floor behind him. "I notice we don't argue the first two parts." He growled.

"Darlin', I'm certain that your crazy is the only thing keeping you sane." He could hear the smile in her voice even if he couldn't see her now.

"Hey, I'm the one who isn't supposed to make any sense." Wade slipped in under the sheets and dragged her into his side.

"It's 3 am; no one makes sense at 3 am not even accountants." Samantha yawned, and then went silent. She had her head tucked in against his collar bone, and he was rubbing lazy circles on her back. She hadn't bothered with pajamas electing instead just to keep her running gear on.

Wade had convinced himself that Sam had fallen asleep when she spoke again. "Does my being here ever bother you? I mean I know Stark seems to think I use mind control on you, and I make you go running with me, and my clutter is invading your apartment…"

He pinched her ass to get her to stop and when she sucked in an indignant breath he cut her off before she could start again. "I didn't say I didn't like you here; I said you'd be safer elsewhere. If the boxes are behaving more than usual it's because you amuse them, you couldn't force me to run if you wanted to, seriously I'd just duct tape you to the chair. And yes there are a zillion products in my shower, a Yankee Candle on the table, and a billion hair ties and bobby pins everywhere, but there is also someone who doesn't tell me to shut up every 20 minutes. You 'fix' us lunch when we'd forget to eat, my suits get dry-cleaned, oh and the sex isn't too bad either."

Samantha bit him then, right where he would have had a nipple if the scarring wasn't so bad. Pretending to think it over he hummed a bit before saying. "Oh alright, you're easily in the top three, but Wolverine is just so aggressive, and Sue Storm's force fields make me go all tingly…"

He felt her huff out a breath against his chest, sure that if it weren't dark, he'd see Pink flashing above her head. "Funny I don't remember Logan propositioning you today, I do however distinctly remember turning him down." Her voice was a honeyed drawl.

"Technically that was yesterday, the only person so far to proposition you today has been me." He corrected, then added without thinking about it. "Besides it's good you turned him down, I'd hate to have to kill him. Seriously he gets all bent out of shape when I do it, always comes back with a vendetta."

"So you'd kill Wolverine if I slept with him? What exactly would you do to me, because it takes two to tango?" She sounded more than just curious.

"I've shot him over drinking the last beer so yes I'd kill him for sleeping with you." It seemed reasonable to him.

"Okkaay… I'm not sure if I'm horrified that you would shoot him because that's super possessive, or that you compared me to beer or some yet unexplored reason. On the other hand, that was almost sweet that you'd get worked up enough to shoot him, and I guess he'd live, so it's more like punching a normal person." Her answer was measured, considering. "And me?"

Samantha could feel Wade shift, hesitating to answer the question. Normally she'd let him evade a question but after the day, she'd had she really wanted an answer on this. Shifting away from him she turned on her bedside light, settling back down next to him she propped her head up on her arm and regarded him. Wade blinked at the light then assumed a mirrored position. Above him the boxes writhed, providing an answer of sorts.

[It's not fair to her to make her stay with something so ugly.]

{They'd both live.}

[Yes but if we hurt her she won't come back.]

{Not like she'd be coming back anyway.}

[Okay I'll give you that one.]

"I sometimes forget that you can always hear them even when I can't see them. Wade I need you to listen to me for a minute and not those two. Focus on me, can you do that? I know what we have is not exactly a normal connection. That being said you still don't get to 'own' me. I'm not a toy, and I don't want or need you to fight over me…"

{You thanked us for that today actually.}

"That was _for_ and not _over_. The flip side of that is that I can't be stolen, or played with by someone else because again I'm not a toy. Something I'm sure _you_ know. You want to know how I know this?" She paused waiting for an answer of some sort.

He shook his head no, clearly hanging on what she would say next. Even the boxes seemed to be waiting for the answer even though she had purposefully excluded them. She reached out her free hand and cupped his face, stroking her thumb along the line of his cheekbone.

"Simple answer Wade Wilson, you just offered to sleep in the other room for me. Because you told me to go earlier because you put up with Stark's constant mouth, and I know he drives you and the boxes bonkers. The complicated answer is because you will take care of a rapist or a stalker for $500 or even for free but you don't mess with politics for anything less than a million dollars."

"How do you know I don't just like shooting people?" The question filled with gruff bravado. The fact that she seemed able to see past the chaos that always surrounded him was unnerving.

"Who says it can't be both?" Her eyes sparked with dark humor. "After all, everyone should enjoy their work."

Wade couldn't help it, he laughed and bopped her on the nose. "Turn off the light Princess, some of us had a busy day."

 **Author's Notes**

 **Moving this Friday, and looking forward (not really) to a 3-day drive with kids and pets to get to the new house. That being said the next chapter is written and will be posted Monday.**

 **Next chapter is some fluff and a flashback, we're going to see their first date. It actually took me a long time to put that one together because I wanted something he didn't do in the movie with Vanessa but still "aww sweet".**

 **Thank you all for the Reviews and Follows/Favorites!**


	24. Chapter 24 (Flashback) Super Suit

**This is a flashback/fun chapter. The regular storyline will resume next chapter, but I really enjoyed this, and I hope you do as well.**

 **(Pink)**

 **[White]**

 **{Yellow}**

 **(MCU Friday after Somalia)**

Wade would admit to being both tired and distracted when he had gotten home yesterday, but he was still confused where his suits had gone. When he had left, they had all been sitting in a pile in the corner of the bedroom. So unless he'd been robbed by fangirls something strange was going on.

{You having fangirls would be strange.}

[Sam knows.]

"Why do you say that?"

[Maybe because she's the only other person who lives here genius…]

"Good point" He still wasn't used to her being here.

Wade smiled, thinking about his 'welcome home.' It explained his exceptionally good mood today. Now if he could just find out where his suits had wandered off to. Well, he could always ask Coyote, but she was in the other bedroom, so he decided to yell instead.

"Honey!" Actually he'd be surprised if she answered to that but he wanted to see if she'd play along.

Samantha was on the laptop in the spare bedroom when she heard Deadpool yell. It took her a moment to realize what he had said but when she did she frowned. He didn't seem the type to use an endearment, at least not one that wasn't half mocking.

Curious Samantha wandered to the master bedroom doorway to see what he wanted. "What?"

Seeing Samantha in the doorway Deadpool smiled, "Where's my super suit?" Then cocked his head to the side waiting to see if she'd catch on.

"What?"

Not sure if she was quoting or not he gave her the benefit of the doubt. "Where ... is… my…super… suit?" Samantha rewarded him with a quick grin.

"I, uh, put it away." She replied cheekily.

" _Where_?" Wade made an expansive sweep of his arm.

" _Why_ do you _need_ to know?" She returned.

"I need it!" He did if she wanted to go to the tower anytime soon. He might be willing to wear jean and a long-sleeved shirt around her but not near the Avengers.

"Uh-uh! Don't you think about running off doing no daring-do. We've been planning this dinner for two months!" She was still leaning against the door jamb, her arms crossed, seeming content to banter with him. He caught the flash of the rings on her left hand as she shifted a bit.

"The public is in danger!"

[Generally from you.]

"My evening's in danger!" She ignored the white box that had flashed up above his head a second ago.

"You tell me where my suit is, woman! We are talking about the greater good!" He thought about stomping for emphasis, but even he wasn't that much of a drama queen. Well, at least not today.

{Is this what Spider-man says to his girl?}

"Greater good?' I am your… wife! I'm the greatest _good_ you are ever gonna get!" She stumbled a bit over the wife part, but she couldn't leave the quote undone. Wade flashed her a smile, seeming to know what had caused the break in the line.

"Seriously, though, where are my suits?" He indicated the corner where the pile had been before he left.

"Waiting to be picked up at the cleaners, I meant to get them yesterday, but I got distracted. Also, the dry cleaner may never forgive me for showing up with them." She teased him.

"You had my suits dry-cleaned? And they're already ready?" He looked startled that she had done it.

"Yes, well I had assumed they were dry-cleaned only because of the leather. And the smell told me they needed it. I'll accept your thanks in the form of prodigious amounts of coffee." She arched a brow at him.

"Coffee huh, that's not what I was planning on using as a thank you, but I guess if that's what you prefer. I suppose you want me to change so we can head to the tower for that test." He teased her, knowing perfectly well she was keyed up about the test.

"That would be lovely, if we leave in the next 20 minutes I'll have time to grab some Starbucks on the way over. Pepper is expecting me around 9 am." She made a shooing motion with her hands, the rings once again catching the light. This time, Sam noticed the glimmer as well and looked down at them with a strange look on her face.

Wade didn't say anything, figuring it wasn't his business whether she still wore her rings or not. He for one wasn't going to turn her out of his bed just because she still had them on. Wade debated mentioning that for a second but opted instead to grab a spare uniform and change.

In the few minutes, it had taken him to get into his suit Sam had disappeared. He shook his head; she was probably back on his laptop going over more test info. Wade had a hunch that it was completely unnecessary and that she had the entire thing memorized. Common sense told him that pointing that out to her might not be in his best interest though so he refrained.

Fifteen minutes later they were on their way to the tower, making sure to stop by the nearest Starbucks so she could get her coffee. He and Samantha bickered a bit about what real coffee was, and whether or not Starbucks served it. They both agreed that coffee should always be hot, but he ordered a triple espresso with just a splash of milk and no sugar. Samantha ordered a venti white chocolate mocha with extra whip cream and then added extra sugar at the little station they had to the side.

 **(MCU Sunday after Somalia)**

"So I don't suppose you'd like to go out tomorrow?" Wade asked apropos to nothing. He was sitting on the kitchen counter 'helping' Sam make dinner. Which amounted to him handing her the items she needed when she asked.

"Out as in leave the apartment to go grocery shopping or as in a date?" She was distracted studying the recipe on her tablet. "Have you ever had udon before?"

"Are we talking authentic udon or what passes as it in the States? I've had both, and a date." He clarified his earlier question.

"A date? Sounds like fun, where are we going?" Samantha turned her full attention on him.

"Outdoors, lots of walking, and I regret to inform you that a form of transportation will be needed to get there." He was semi-serious about that last part, knowing how badly she reacted to bad cab rides. "But despite that, I think you'll enjoy."

"Botanical Gardens?" Samantha guessed indicating she wanted the chopped vegetables beside him on the counter.

[Cliché.]

"Nope. This smells pretty good, is this your meemaw's udon recipe?" Deadpool snagged a piece of beef out of the pan.

"I don't have a meemaw, I have a nana, and I had a grandma. My father's mother is still alive. And no this isn't her recipe, this is something I found online the other day and thought it looked tasty. And since you can't die, I'm experimenting on you." She gave him a grin.

"I knew you were a Hydra agent, sent here to learn my weaknesses." He huffed.

[Sex, chimichangas, shiny things, idiocy.]

"Noodles."

"No, noodles are not my weakness." Wade sounded confused.

"No, you goof, I mean hand me the noodles. Dinner is almost done." She poked his jean clad thigh. "If you weren't sitting in my workspace, you wouldn't be my assistant."

"I'm not assisting; I'm supervising. Because clearly you need supervision before you burn this entire place down." He handed her the noodles and the glaze she had prepared ahead.

"Whatever, of the two of us you are much more likely to burn down a building."

(Remember the plastic lid incident.)

"Plastic lid?" Deadpool's curiosity was piqued.

Samantha sighed, "I preheated the oven in preparation for baking and forgot to take a plastic container out of the oven beforehand. It caught on fire, stank to high heaven. But the house didn't burn down; I just didn't use the oven for a month because every time I did the whole house got a headache."

[You were right she does need supervision.] Samantha made a face at that.

Deadpool chuckled, "So how did you fix the issue?"

"I had to call a guy in to come and take a look at it. It turns out that some of the plastic had melted and managed to work its way inside the oven through the seam. So I replaced it." Sam stated matter-of-factly. She turned off the burner and moved the pan forwards off the heat. "You want to try some and tell me what you think?"

"You replaced an entire oven because it smelled?" He looked at her incredulously.

"I replaced an old oven that came with the house when I bought it six years prior, with a new one that didn't give the house headaches when I tried to use if for a basic function. On the advice of the repairman that I hired, I might add." Samantha corrected.

Wade shrugged but accepted the forkful of udon he was handed. "Not bad, needs more teriyaki."

Samantha snagged the fork and scooped a taste out of the pan. "I'll make you a deal, you can add more flavoring to yours, but I'm eating this as it is. Now hand me the plates."

"Works for me, you're just anxious to use your new table." The table she had ordered on Thursday afternoon had finally arrived today. He had to admit it wasn't ugly; he just never would have thought to order it. "So anyway, are we good for tomorrow?" He slid down off the counter to grab a beer and a Fanta out of the fridge.

Setting the Fanta on the counter he took the plate she offered him and headed out towards the table. Samantha followed him with her plate and the drink he had pulled out for her.

Of course, we're good for tomorrow." She picked up the conversation from the kitchen. "So outside and walking?" She waited for his nod. "Casual or semi-dressy? Oh, and what time, because if it's later than I don't have to worry about making dinner."

[He doesn't know what semi-dressy is.]

{Didn't we already get the milk for free?}

"The milk for free? When did the morality police assign you a beat?" She huffed.

"Oh no, I will not be held responsible for what Yellow says, at least not if I don't agree out loud. Remember I suggested a date before _I_ left." No way in hell was Wade getting the blame for what Yellow might say. He was happy that as far as he knew only Sam could see Yellow because if others could, he'd be slapped a whole hell of a lot more often.

"Okay, so you're saying that Yellow isn't like your Pink, that he's not just some interior commentary? Because I'm pretty sure Pink has always been there as that nagging voice, that is what you're really thinking. Sort of the I could never say this aloud, but I'm thinking it. Maybe that's just a woman thing since we're not supposed to talk about half of the stuff we think about." Samantha reasoned.

[I'm not what he's thinking either. I'm the smart one.]

{What does that make me?}

["The dumb one!"]

Samantha snorted a laugh "Good to know, you didn't have boxes in the movies, but I have seen one or two of your comics, so I wasn't surprised by them. I just thought it was some sort of interior monolog."

"No, and since they're frequently my only company I have no interest in getting rid of them." Deadpool was firm on this part if he ever lost the boxes he wasn't sure if he'd ever have company again.

"That's not what I was thinking at all; I was just curious. Surprisingly you're the only person I know who has textboxes floating above their head." Samantha teased.

"You have one, and Spiderman does so I'm not the only person." Wade corrected. "But let's back this conversation up a moment, what subjects are you not allowed to talk about? Because somehow I missed that memo or whatever."

One thing Sam was coming to learn about Deadpool was that while on the surface he seemed easily distracted he actually wasn't. Once he was interested in a topic or course of action, he was going to give it his undivided attention. Which made sense given his job

"Are we talking about in my personal experience or women in general? Because in my experience people don't enjoy it when women talk about math, 'it's too hard', 'or why are you interested'. Especially when I'm talking about return rates for investments, or how the stock market works, or how portfolios are supposed to be balanced. And don't even get me started about taxes or auditing."

Wade held up a hand to get her to stop for a second. "Not at all where I thought this was going to go but since you brought up taxes, I'm going to assume what you were printing off earlier had something to do with them."

"What? Oh yeah, I printed out the hard copy of the forms for tax payments for the self-employed. Once I figure the taxes for the past two years, I'll let you know what the damage is." She took her last bite of dinner.

Deadpool was working his way through a much larger helping, between his constantly working healing factor and borderline manic behavior he'd eat just about anyone under the table. "Are you going to explain it to me or are you just going to make me sign it and hand over a check?"

"Do you want me to explain it to you?" Samantha's eyebrows arched in surprise.

"You just complained that no one wants to hear the explanation, and then you act surprised when I ask for an explanation?" Wade's tone was exasperated.

"Oh no, I'll explain it to you line by line if you're truly interested, but outside of other accountants, I've never met anyone who cared. Even my father doesn't listen to me when I'm explaining his taxes." She smiled a tad fondly at the idea of her father's glazed eyed look.

"You did your father's taxes for him? I guess that's a benefit of having someone in the IRS in your family." Wade reasoned.

"Nah, I didn't do them, I just audited them and him every once in a while to make sure the family accountant was honest. Remember I was usually in Atlanta and they live up in Tennessee. Well, I guess down in Tennessee from here." She explained.

"Ah yes, the family accountant what was I thinking?" Mirth danced in his cognac eyes, but he was trying to keep a straight face.

Getting up from the table she carried her plate and her empty drink can towards the kitchen, Wade following with his plate and beer bottle. Setting it all down in the sink she flipped on the coffee machine and leaned against the counter waiting. "So what was your family like? Or are like?"

All humor drained out of Wade's face, and he leaned against the opposite counter with his arms crossed over his chest. He shrugged a shoulder, hoping she wouldn't press the matter. Wade didn't really remember his family or much of his past for that matter, but what he did remember he didn't want to.

Sam studied him for a moment, "I'll just assume from that expression on your face that I shouldn't expect them to visit anytime soon."

"I don't believe Hell allows returns," Deadpool answered thinking of his father.

[Unless your Greek.]

{Or Little Nicky.}

Leaving the subject drop, Samantha moved to put the leftovers away, seeing this Wade relaxed again. Without even thinking about it, he started the water running on the other side of the sink, filling the second basin with warm soapy water. Left to his own devices the dishes would have sat for days, but since Sam had arrived he'd found himself picking up around the apartment.

Samantha smiled her thanks at him and handed him a cup of black coffee. Wade cautious first sip proved it had the correct amount of sugar in it. Scooting him over with a nudge of her hip she quickly washed the few dishes, handing them to Wade to dry.

"So you never did answer me about what time I should be ready to go." Samantha reminded him.

"Uh yeah about that, can you be ready at 9 am?"

 **(Monday Morning)**

Samantha stood next to the front door waiting to go; it was 8:50 and she was ready and raring to and waiting. Deadpool, on the other hand, was still in the bedroom, still not ready to go. Finally, at nine exactly he walked out and joined her at the front door. Samantha smiled when she saw what he was wearing.

"Are you going to be comfortable in that?" Sam asked, taking in the hooded jacket and jeans.

"It isn't if I'm comfortable, it's if other people are. You might be crazy enough not to mind my scars, but they bother most everyone else." He watched her from beneath his hood.

"Are we going somewhere crowded?"

"It shouldn't be too bad today, it's Monday morning, and the weather is iffy. We are, however, taking the subway, and that's always a crapshoot. On the bright side, the morning commuter rush should be over." Wade was hoping anyway.

"We can take a cab if you prefer. I mean they aren't my favorite form of transportation but so long as they don't swerve through traffic and try to run red lights I should be fine." Sam felt a little queasy at the very idea, but she figured Deadpool felt the same when it came to crowded places.

"You clearly don't have enough experience with New York cabs to know how unlikely that is to happen. Besides Coyote if we took a cab our destination wouldn't be a surprise." He countered.

"Alrighty then." Before the accident, Sam would have argued this point but today she was just grateful for his patience. Admittedly before tumbling into this realm just a little over a week ago she would not have labeled Deadpool either patient or considerate. She was also sure that none of the Avengers would use those labels either.

They walked the few blocks to the nearest subway terminal where Wade steered her towards the Bronx-bound train. He wasn't one hundred percent sure that his date idea was going to be a hit, but it would at least be a fun outing. Another plus for him was that Sam was wearing a sundress that fell just above her knees and a pair of strappy leather sandals. It was somehow a perfect combination of charming innocence and suggestion.

"I realized this morning what might be the best thing about having a healing factor." She chirped as she settled into a seat in the mostly vacant subway car.

"Oh, and what's that?" He settled in next to her.

"I no longer have to apply a liter of sunscreen to go outside. Although I guess that might have been true the day after my accident, we'll never be sure." She smiled at him.

"Is that how you stay roughly the same shade as Casper?" He stroked a finger down the exposed skin of her arm.

"The trials and tribulations of being a redhead. More than 15 minutes in the sun without sunscreen and my skin would match my hair. It's one of the reasons I get up at the crack of dawn to run." She tried to ignore the shiver of awareness that followed his touch.

Samantha was happy to see that the subway car never got more than half full the entire trip to the outer borough. Not that crowds ever bothered her, but she was relieved for Deadpool. His face was the only skin he had exposed, and he kept that turned towards her. He was cheerfully talking her ear off about the TGI Fridays in Jacksonville.

"Is this Jacksonville Florida or Mississippi? You know just in case I need to make dining decisions in either."

"That's classified." He teased.

"Well fudge, and here I was hoping that that was where we were going."

"Nope, we're not going quite that far today. In fact, ours is the next stop, and I'm sure you're happy to hear that as I know my ass is going numb in these seats."

"I will happily agree with you that molded plastic is not the most comfortable of surfaces. Next time if it's more than three stops down I'm sitting in your lap." She flirted.

Wade took in the way her ankles were perfectly crossed and the way she sat posed as if for a picture. Samantha looked like one of the housewives in a 1950's etiquette book, a further reminder that he was way out of his league. But still she sat talking and laughing with him, as if there was nowhere else she'd rather be.

"So we're not going to TGI Fridays, not the Botanical Gardens, I don't think you'd have let me leave the house like this if it was a gun range. So where are we going?" She tapped her chin as if deep in thought.

"Toxic waste dump." He said, standing in preparation for the subway stop.

"Hmmm, seems more like an anniversary location, but if you wanted to go fancy you should have let me know, and I would have picked other shoes."

{She's really good at this game.}

[It's because the writer is sarcastic, she can't help but make everyone else that way.]

(Funny I thought it was because I was a cop's wife for over ten years.)

"Did you two get married right out of college?" Deadpool frowned a bit, picturing a perfect wedding with a towering white cake.

Samantha nodded her head, smoothly getting to her feet as the train came to a stop at the terminal. They took the elevator down to street level and then Wade led her west across the Bronx River towards the zoo. They ended up hitting the River Gate just as they were opening.

"The zoo?! I haven't been in ages." Samantha smiled and gasped.

"Have you been to the Bronx Zoo before?" He asked idly as he paid for their tickets.

"No never, I've been to the D.C., the Columbus, the Atlanta and the San Diego. Along with a few smaller ones. But like I said it's been years since I've been. This is going to be great!"

"Yeah well I got the idea when you made me stop flipping through the channels so you could listen to David Attenborough tell us about the lemurs." Not that he had minded at all.

Samantha laughed and threaded her left arm through his as they cleared the gate. The motion surprised him, and he glanced down at her hand resting on his elbow. He was about to tell her he wasn't a Southern gentleman when he noticed she wasn't wearing her rings, and the words died in his throat. Instead, he gently propelled her towards The World of Birds Aviary.

"Come along Dixie Chick, let's see what trouble we can get into."

The River Gate was the furthest from the main part of the zoo, but they slowly made their way around. The day was slightly cool for July and that combined with the fact that it was a Monday kept the usual crowds at bay. Instead, they were free to wander from exhibit to exhibit chatting about the various places Wade had traveled, her family's vacations, and the worst movies they had ever seen.

They stopped in the zoo café to have a lunch of burgers and fries. A large Indian Blue peacock flashed its tail in display as it strutted around the landscaping.

"I hate those things," Wade remarked.

"Peacocks? Why ever for?" She turned to look at him.

Wade shrugged, "You've never tried to invade a compound where they have those damn things. They're worse than dogs with that noise they make."

{And they peck at us.}

[They hate us.]

A laugh burst from Sam, "No, no I've never tried to sneak past a peacock. But I have heard the noise they make. It's almost like a 'ha-ha' like they're mocking us all for not being as beautiful as they are."

"Well, you're half right." He murmured.

Sam flushed, "Flattery will get you everywhere."

{Everywhere, everywhere, or the normal everywhere?}

"Does everywhere include that French maid costume you have hidden in the spare bedroom closet?" She asked sweetly.

Unfortunately, for Wade, she asked that question just as he took a sip of his soda and he snorted some of it into his nose. Which healing factor or not burned.

Samantha tried not to laugh she really did. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I didn't mean for that to happen. I just remembered I found it and well" She twirled her hand as if searching for a word.

"Not nice," He rubbed at the bridge of his nose until the burning stopped.

"The fact that I brought it up, my timing, or the fact I laughed at your 30 seconds of suffering?" She propped her head on her hand and smiled at him.

"Your timing could have been better, but I'm not going to object to you bringing up that sort of thing, ever."

"I'll keep that in mind for later, but let's finish the zoo first." She rose and started to gather their trash.

Wade slapped her ass as she walked past him on her way to the garbage can. She froze and turned her head just enough to consider him over her shoulder. Samantha tried to glare since they were in a public place with kids nearby, but Pink betrayed her.

(Tease.)

"Foreplay." He corrected. Standing he took the tray of trash from her and dumped it. Then came back to where she was still standing and traced a finger down the column of her neck. "The way I figure it Coyote we have at least three more hours left of the zoo, plus either a cab or subway ride back to Manhattan. And I'm betting you break first."

Samantha leaned into him, letting his warmth and scent tickle her senses for just a moment before straightening her spine and raising her chin. "Jokes on you darlin', man is by far the weaker sex."

That afternoon was hands down the most fun he'd had in years. For the next two and a half hours they toured the zoo while kissing, stroking, and teasing each other as much as possible without actually committing any public indecency. Of course, he also learned that she was afraid of chimpanzees, loved peonies and that her favorite color was emerald green. When three o'clock rolled around, and they had seen the last exhibit, he counted it as a victory that she suggested a cab over the subway.

Samantha counted it as a victory that when they reached his building, he tossed her over his shoulder and carried her shrieking and laughing all the way up to his apartment.

 **Author's Notes**

 **My husband and I like to bounce ideas back and forth and something we both thought was funny was the "Super Suit" lines in the Incredibles being adapted to Deadpool.**

 **So I had mentioned the first date, and her wedding rings much earlier on, and I wanted to let people know what had happened. As far as the rings go, I wear mine all the time, and I don't notice it anymore because it is always on. So after a decade of marriage, I doubt Sam noticed hers anymore either. I also don't think she'd take them off after her husband passed until she was done mourning him, that being said she wouldn't keep wearing them and fool around with Wade.**

 **Hope you all enjoyed!**


	25. Chapter 25 Dementors

**(Pink)**

 **[White]**

 **{Yellow}**

 **(MCU)**

Less than three hours after drifting asleep Samantha woke up with her heart in her throat. She'd swear she could feel her ribs popping back into place. Samantha was sure she couldn't breathe, would never be able to again. And then suddenly her lungs opened up, and air rushed back in.

"Back with me?" Deadpool's breath ghosted over the moist patch of skin on her collarbone.

"You bit me?" She was back in bed with Deadpool stretched out almost on top of her.

"Yes I did, but the saying your name and shaking you didn't seem to be getting me anywhere." He rumbled. "Where were you?"

"The chair." Was her wobbly reply.

"Are we getting up to go for a run or are you going to try and get some more sleep?" His breath was still fanning against the exposed skin above the collar of her shirt.

She shook her head, "No I don't want to go for a run."

"I take it we're still undecided on going back to sleep then." He slipped out of bed and headed for the kitchen. Samantha groaned, she was going to try very hard to fall back asleep, but she wasn't sure she could.

A few minutes later Wade returned holding a mug. "Here you go Princess."

Samantha sat up a bit but demurred. "I don't want coffee."

"It's not coffee." He pressed the mug into her hands and then slipped back into bed next to her.

Samantha sniffed at the steam coming up from the mug. "Chocolate?"

"Works on Dementors and bad dreams." He agreed, "And besides I don't think you need any more coffee. "Unless of course you want to get up and stay up."

"Are you getting up?"

"Not unless you're kicking me out of bed. Now tell me about this dream of yours." The sun was already coming up in the east giving him enough light to see her lips twist into a frown. "You'll feel better if you talk about it."

Samantha sighed and took a gulp of chocolate. She didn't look at him, just stared into the lightning room.

"Why haven't I bought curtains for this room yet?" She murmured, "There are windows on two sides of this room, and yet we don't have any curtains in it."

"I think it's because you're secretly a voyeur. But if curtains will make you happy have at. I don't care so long as they aren't pink." Deadpool's voice was warm with humor. It was obvious he was trying to make her feel better.

Samantha considered that for a moment, no one had ever accused her of having a voyeur streak, but she had to admit the idea didn't bother her as much as it 'should.' Certainly she didn't have to worry about ruining anyone's career now. And let's face it, she thought, if I minded I'd have had curtains up on day one.

"You might be right; you certainly bring out my inner flirt." She leaned into him, still holding the mug in both hands.

Wade snorted, but he was trying not to get sidetracked. "So about this dream?"

Samantha frowned again and then gave in. "When he propositioned me, I bit him. Let's just say that made him mad, or perhaps a better term is enraged. Bradley slapped me hard enough to knock the chair over. Then he kicked me in the stomach and chest. I don't know how long he did it for. I know he broke a few ribs, I could feel them popping back into place. I just tried not to let him know I was healing, so I tried to hunch into myself, but the chair kept me from doing that."

"Was that what the blood on your cheek was from when he slapped you then?" He asked quietly.

She nodded and then softer than before she continued. "He said it didn't matter if you actually like me or not because no man likes watching another play with his toy. And that was what he was going to do to get back at you. He was going to kill Weasel and me, but he was going to play with me first."

"I should have killed him slower."

[Or brought him back and did it again.]

{And again.}

"Once was enough, so far as I'm concerned, he got what he deserved." Her voice was almost too quiet to hear now.

"It's not, but it'll have to do." He growled.

"How often do you have nightmares?" She asked, trying to turn the subject.

"I don't sleep well for the most part. I either can't fall asleep or can't stay asleep, sometimes it's nightmares, sometimes it's just a need to move, or the boxes won't shut up."

[It hasn't been so bad recently.]

"I'm glad it's been better recently. I know it always seems like I fall asleep before you do." Samantha set her now empty mug on the bedside table and returned to leaning into his shoulder. "It seems like everyone in this universe should have PTSD. I know Stark does, and Rodgers, heck so does Hawkeye."

"Loki did a number on him." Wade agreed.

"He did, but I think that particular battle could have gone much worse. Not that it wasn't bad enough the way it did go. Actually, I think the whole portal through space thing might be too much for Tony. So I try not to bring it up with him."

(That and we like it here.)

"You like it here do you? And what exactly is it about this universe that you enjoy over the other one?" Wade meant it to be teasing, but Sam could hear something else buried in the sarcasm.

"I like this," was her honest answer. "I like being here with you. It's certainly better than my condo was. There I could barely work up the energy to do anything outside of immediate work concerns and running. It was a lot like being on pause, or at least what I imagine pause is like. Here everything is in color again. I stopped writing after the accident, but I started again last week. I should be finished with an article to submit by next Friday. I have the energy to tackle projects again, sorting your stuff, and getting the taxes computed and paid. I've been doing the same with Captain Rodger's account, getting it sorted out and diversified for him. And Pepper has had me audit a few things once or twice. Keeps me busy."

"Is that what you've been working on, I was wondering what the busy scribbling was about." Wade had noticed she'd had paperwork spread across the table daily, and a notebook she was almost never without.

"Yes, the effects of 'superheroes' on the economy and whether they help or hurt. I'm going to send it to the Times as an opinion piece. Widow got me my doctorate again, so at least I can string some letters behind my name. Doesn't matter much, but people want to see them when you offer an opinion on money. And even better I'll have my C.P.A. results here in the next week, at least that's the target release date. They have two testing periods every year, and I just caught the tail end of the second one." Sam's voice was stronger again, warming to the subject.

"So does all this preparation for living here in this universe translate into a permanent roommate for me?" Wade's voice was expressionless again, trying not to influence her answer one way or another. He wanted her to stay, especially when he ignored the fact that she'd be safer anywhere than with him. However, he wasn't convinced she wanted the same. Even if she didn't want to live in the tower, she was perfectly capable of getting her own place, as Parker had pointed out.

(We don't want to be roommates.)

Deadpool flinched but didn't say anything, which didn't stop the boxes.

{Told ya.}

[Lasted longer than I expected it to.]

"You two are like doom in stereo. What I meant, is I had roommates in college, and I didn't sleep with them. So I'm objecting to the idea of no sex, not to living here with you. Which given that you have the two idiots in stereo I will remind you of frequently if necessary." She tapped him on the forehead. "Assuming of course that you don't mind having a whatever you would happen to call this."

"Well since you're hell bent upon staying I guess this means I need another chair." He teased her. 

"Yes, it's been driving me bonkers, not that I object to sitting in your lap." She teased him back.

"The chair stays. Other than that do what you want with the living room. I'll even make you a deal, you catch another few hours of sleep and I will suffer through looking at furniture with you." He slid down further into the sheets and tugged her down with him.

"I don't need to be coddled." She protested.

"Yeah well it's much more fun to exhaust you if you're not already exhausted." Deadpool probably wouldn't sleep, but he wanted to make sure she had a few more hours before she started her day. She seemed to have forgotten about the dream for now, and he didn't want her to get to the point where she avoided sleep because of her dreams.

"You're horrible at being ruthless; I hope you know that." She snuggled into his chest.

"You are the only person I know who thinks that." He kissed the crown of her head. "Now get some sleep. The longer you sleep, the longer I can put off shopping."

Twenty minutes of murmured conversation later and Samantha was back out. Wade waited until he was sure she wasn't going to wake up again and slid out of bed. Throwing on a pair of boxers and a t-shirt he wandered out to the living room but kept the door to the bedroom open. On the counter his phone sat blinking, indicating he had a message. It was his personal phone and not his burner, so the number of people the message could be from was limited, extremely limited. Sliding the screen lock he opened his messages.

 _How's she doing? Nat._

 _Not horrible, sleeping now. How did you hear? DP_

 _Fury isn't happy. Calling Dr. Richards into access portal. Have fun with that._ Came the immediate reply.

 _I wasn't aware Fury could be happy. Not my problem either way._

 _Let her know I'll be up in a week; we'll do lunch._

 _So Tosh, which do you find stranger, the fact that you text me at all, or that you're relaying lunch plans through me?_

He waited a moment but when no answer was forthcoming he set the phone back down and picked up the book he had been reading. He couldn't sleep anymore, but he wanted to be able to hear Sam the moment she got up.

Right about the time the Ents determined that Hobbits were not Orcs he heard a noise coming from the bedroom. Setting the book down he padded silently back down the hall to check on Samantha. She was just starting to stretch herself awake in their huge bed when he reappeared in the room. He flicked a glance at the bedside clock and smiled.

"Afternoon Coyote."

"What time is it?" She was still muzzy with sleep.

"Six minutes past noon. Which means that it's past breakfast time, looks like you're going to have to have brunch."

Samantha gave one more lazy stretch before hopping out of bed. Or rather attempting to hop out of bed, she snagged her right foot in the sheets and tripped instead. She managed to catch herself before she took more than two stumbling steps.

She gave him a rueful grin, "A picture of grace as always."

Deadpool snorted, "I'm still amazed you can walk in heels."

"Weird isn't it, I can walk all day in stilettos with a book balanced on my head, but put me near furniture and I'm bound to ram my foot into it somehow."

"Speaking of furniture are you actually wanting to go shopping today or hang out around the apartment and relax? You know like we were planning to do yesterday." He'd go if she insisted but he'd rather not deal with crowds of people.

"I'm not doing anything until I eat, and possibly not even then. Did you get any more sleep or have you been up since earlier?" She was headed for the bathroom but paused at the door to wait for his answer.

"I wasn't tired, so I've been reading." He turned to go back out into the living room, "Do you want breakfast or lunch?"

"Breakfast." Sam closed the bathroom door behind her sure that pancakes were in her future. Samantha was used to not having a mirror to consult every morning; it had taken her a little while, but she didn't miss it now. If she wanted to use one she could always pop into the guest bath but she had been braiding her hair for so long, she didn't need it. She quickly unbraided it from the night before and put it into a fishtail braid for the day.

"You know I'm starting to like this system, you make breakfast, we fight over lunch, and I make dinner," Samantha announced a few minutes later as she wandered into the kitchen. Just as she had predicted, Deadpool was making pancakes. She knew it was a direct reflection of his mood if he were happy he'd make pancakes if he weren't he'd slide a bowl of cereal across the counter to her. Weirdly he always seemed more concerned with whether or not she was eating enough rather than if he ate at all.

Samantha wasn't a breakfast person, which is why she didn't make breakfast. To her it meant grabbing a coffee on the way into work, maybe a pastry if she stopped at Starbucks. Wade on the other hand firmly believed that the day didn't begin until you'd eaten at least four pancakes, at least in her case, in his more like a dozen.

"The only fighting that we do over lunch is that you don't believe that chimichangas should be eaten daily. Which is insane because they can be eaten at every meal you don't have pancakes at." Came his reply as he slid the last pancake onto her plate.

"For my birthday can we have a pancake and chimichangas free day? She mused.

"I will agree to that if you agree to only pancakes and chimichangas on my birthday." He answered. "Unless of course this is your way of saying you don't like my pancakes?" Wade studied her expression carefully.

"I adore your pancakes, but I always have chocolate cake for breakfast on my birthday." Sam hopped up on the counter to start on the plate that Wade had already doctored with syrup and butter. Somewhere along the line, she had adopted the habit of eating breakfast on the kitchen counter while Wade either finished cooking his or leaned against the counter near her eating his. Her mother would be horrified, but she preferred it over eating at the table by herself or eating cold pancakes with him.

"When is your birthday?" He cut into her musings.

"The 12th." She responded without thinking.

"As in less than two weeks away?" He turned to away from the stove with his plate piled high.

"Hmm, I guess that would be right. I'm turning not 30 again." A corner of her mouth turned up at her humor.

"Not 30, funny, we're the same age. And do you really eat chocolate cake for breakfast on your birthday?" Wade stopped talking long enough to cram a rolled-up pancake into his mouth.

"Yes chocolate cake is a must, has been since I was five. That was always the deal I could eat whatever I wanted on my birthday. Of course after the age of say 12, I usually just had the cake for breakfast and normal food for lunch and dinner. Except the year I happened to be pregnant on my birthday, that year I didn't have chocolate cake until around 2 pm when food was safe." Sam laughed a bit at the memory.

It was on the tip of Sam's tongue to ask if he ever had a similar birthday tradition but remembered in time that asking about his family was futile. It was also a sure recipe to an angry mercenary. Not that he'd harm her, he'd just rant and rave for hours or sulk depending on what memory her probing brought to the surface. At least she thought that was the reasoning behind the different reactions.

Wade's moods were mercurial. He could, and did, flip between them at a drop of a hat. Something that Sam was still getting used to. Academically she could understand that, given the life that he had led, but knowing the reasoning behind some of it didn't make it easier. But she was learning a bit more about it every day, for instance when he started stringing sentences together with barely a pause for breath it was a good idea to let him wind down on his own. Sam just tried to keep up with the subject changes and ask relevant questions to let him know she was still listening. On days when he was broody and staring off into space, she let him have quiet. She'd make a point to bring him a snack or drink so he wouldn't feel ignored but she didn't pressure him for an explanation.

Neither course of action came easy to her, but she was trying. She wondered from time to time if her parents and friends had found her this difficult in the years since the accident. Well probably not, but she figured a huge thank you was in order anyway. Assuming she ever went back to her version of the universe.

"What are you thinking about?" Wade broke the companionable silence that had settled in the kitchen.

"The difficulties of sending a trans-dimensional Thank You card."

{Imagine the postage.}

"You could ask Strange, but he's not the most helpful of people." Wade reasoned.

[That's because sane people don't like helping insane mercenaries]

{Speaking of dimensional holes weren't we supposed to tell her something?}

[Richards]

"What about Richards? I'm assuming you mean the Fantastic Four one."

"Widow texted earlier, saying that Fury was still a dick and that he had Richards taking a look into the portal thing."

[And…]

"Oh and she'll be up this next week, so something about lunch." Wade shrugged.

"I'm not exactly thrilled at the idea of Fury having any say in what happens to me, but since I went to Stark and the rest of the Avengers for help, I guess it was inevitable." As far as Sam could tell the only bright side in this was that she would get a chance to talk to Natasha.

"Is it Fury that worries you or SHIELD, and by SHIELD I mean HYDRA." He cast her a serious look.

"HYDRA, and let me just say I cannot tell you how hard it has been not to scream a warning at all of them! Heck, I haven't even brought it up with you because I wasn't sure how far ahead your fourth wall breaking goes. How does that even work, do you dream about a movie on its release date?" The relief that she wasn't alone in this was very clear in her voice.

"If the movie is released then I've seen it and yeah no one likes spoilers. Besides, if you tell them a few things are bound to happen. One you'll get told your insane, been there done that, no point to it. Two you'll shift the timeline or break it." He shrugged. "Three you'll end up a target for HYDRA because they'll want to know what you know. Personally, they alternate between trying to get rid of me, trying to capture me, or trying to hire me." He was unapologetic on the last one. If they wanted to hire him to take out their competition, he didn't see why he couldn't get paid for it.

[Pays the bills.]

{Do we pay bills?}

(You do from now on…)

"Yeah I have this feeling I'd be spending a lot of time in a dark room refusing to answer questions if I catch their attention." Samantha agreed, "And that's if I'm lucky. So yes I'm trying to avoid exposure."

"On the bright side the Fantastic Four aren't part of SHIELD, so this is probably more to satisfy the pirate's curiosity than anything else. Or you'll luck out, and Richard's will forget you exist for six or so months until his wife reminds him about you because Fury won't stop nagging her."

"Which version of the Four is this? The original one or the new one that bombed. Not that either was a spectacular success at the box office." She set her empty plate aside and took a sip of her coffee.

Smirking, Wade answered, "The 2005 one, and no, not one person notices that Johhny Storm is just a younger looking Steve Rodgers."

Samantha laughed, "A much less behaved version as well. At least this version of Richards looks like he graduated college already. Makes it slightly easier to keep a straight face when he's called 'Mr. Fantastic'."

Wade snorted, he found Reed Richards more than a little sanctimonious but thankfully they didn't cross paths all that often. Maybe Weasel knew of something that would keep him busy this week so he wouldn't have to put up with him and Stark in the same spot. That was of course if Richards didn't get distracted by one of his science projects. Or if Doom didn't decide to leave Lateveria this week and pay a visit to New York City. Maybe he should give Doom a shout, rattle his cage a bit. Then he could kidnap Sue and everyone would forget about Coyote.

"Whatever just put that smile on your face can not be good for mankind." Samantha could almost see the wheels turning, but since the boxes weren't flashing up right now, she had no idea what it was about. Judging by the gleam in his eye though it wasn't a PG plan.

Samantha hopped off the counter to rinse her plate and set it aside to wash later. Taking her refreshed mug of coffee with her, she wandered into the living room to find her tablet. She had an idea about the living room furniture she wanted to run past him.

"I was simply wondering if I could convince Doom to schedule a visit in the upcoming week." Wade followed her out with the grin still tugging up the edges of his mouth.

"I wasn't under the impression that Doom would visit New York just to do you a favor. And I have to say that him visiting just to annoy the Four will backfire on you somehow. Not that I can prove it, until you do it and then it'll be too late." She murmured still looking for her tablet.

"What are you looking for?" Slightly deflated by her, probably correct, assumption that Doom wouldn't pan out.

[She'd make us help them, and then we'd have to listen to Victor monolog.]

{Dude still hasn't figured out that the bad guy doesn't get the girl.}

"I'm looking for my tablet; I had something saved on it that I wanted to show you."

"It's on the table, you left it there last night, I plugged it in to charge for you." He gestured with his head.

"Ah hah, thanks for that." Sam wandered round the corner to retrieve it.

"So what are our plans for the day? Shopping or?" He slumped in his chair hoping to hear that he was avoiding the gallows.

{She said she doesn't need an escort everywhere, let her go by herself.}

[Recipe for disaster.]

{The shopping or the alone part?}

[Both]

"The goal for the day isn't to torture you by making you go out in public without your suit on. The goal is to relax, finish a project I'm working on for Steve, and maybe get something a bit bigger to sit on so I can sit with you without sitting on you." She chided him.

"And you hope to do all this without leaving the apartment today, oh crazy one?" He watched as she stood next to him fussing with her tablet.

"I have a secret weapon; it's called prior experience in furniture shopping. It also may or may not involve me wandering around the furniture stores a while ago with Pepper and Natasha figuring out which sets were the most comfortable and taking pictures of them with my tablet so I could show them to you and find out which one you could live with. There are five options that make the comfort cut, three go with your chair and two do not. However, the chair could be moved into the bedroom so you could sit on that when you take off your boots rather than on the bed."

"How long have you been plotting to get furniture into this room?" On his face, he wore an expression of mock horror.

"Since the moment, I saw it." She smiled.

(Momma would have had it in here by the end of the first week.)

"I'm not sure if I should congratulate you for your self-control or mock you for being a slacker."

(Both)

"I can't help it; it's the loneliest looking living room I've ever seen." The truth was past her lips before she could stop it.

"Weirdly I don't get a lot of visitors; I'm not sure if it's because I tend to un-alive them or if they don't like my taste in music."

"I'm not saying we should host a party every weekend, but when you bring home Spider-man as a human shield, it'd be nice if he had a place to sit. Which by the way sort of negates the whole 'fiercest mercenary' ever gig." She dropped her tablet in his lap.

"Now that's just hurtful, do you know a better mercenary?" He ignored the tablet for the moment.

"Well maybe not better but more frightening, assuming Nat counts, because honestly I find her scarier. Not that you aren't terrifying when you're working, I mean I'm sure you scare the crap out of many people. But I've seen you argue with your boxes over which episode of Family Guy is the best. It's weirdly endearing, and before you start, so is the pouting you're about to engage in."

{Widow counts if we could die she'd terrify us.}

[She can still mind fuck us.]

"Alright, Nat counts. And I didn't use Parker as a human shield; I brought him by because he was afraid I was holding you captive… Because I'm a ruthless merc, the Merc with a Mouth, the Regenerate Degenerate." He wasn't going to dignify the pouting part with a rebuttal.

So mouthy degenerate are you going to take a gander at your choices or shall I pick the white one and get pink throw pillows?" Totally a bluff.

"If you want to clean a white sofa daily be my guest." Came his sanguine answer, but he did pick up the tablet.

Sam kneeled on the floor next to the chair, cocking her head so she could see the tablet as well. Apparently she wasn't going to give on this furniture thing. Not that he really minded the idea, his only objection being it would remind him of her when she finally went home to her dimension.

[We'll just blow it up after she leaves.]

{Napalm!}

Sam hummed a bit in the back of her throat at the boxes. It sounded more like amusement than annoyance, in fact, it was remarkably similar to another noise she made when he knew she was happy. The throaty hum caused a flicker of interest to run down his spine. He shifted slightly wondering what his chances of getting her to abandon whatever project she had mentioned earlier to spend some time in the bedroom. Or the table, or his chair, he wasn't even close to running through all the ideas he had tucked away in his head.

Forcibly dragging his attention back to the tablet he browsed through the images. Brown leather, no leather, it was pretty much all in the same style as the chair he was currently sitting in. As he suspected, there was no white leather in evidence. He eliminated the two that didn't 'go' with his chair.

"Which one is the largest?" If he needed furniture, he wanted some he could stretch out across with no issues.

Sam scooted a bit closer and pointed, "It's also the most comfortable, in my opinion."

"Well pick a card and order it then." He handed her back her tablet.

" You're not going to argue over this?" Sam looked like she wasn't sure why he'd agreed.

Deadpool sighed.

[She's overthinking this.]

"Would you have asked Jonathan why he wasn't arguing with you?" Came his curious response.

"I wouldn't have asked Jonathan if he wanted new furniture at all, I would have just ordered if I thought it was needed. One because if I had asked he would have told me it was up to me and two because it was my house. I mean clearly we shared it, but we shared it as man and wife, so it was our house, but this isn't our apartment, it's yours."

"I'd put your name on the lease, but my name isn't on it either." He shrugged.

She snorted, "I know your name isn't on the lease, I filed it away when I cleaned your desk. And the fact that you pay that much in rent is highway robbery."

Shaking her head she wandered back over to the table and plugged her tablet back in on the charger. Snagging the notebook that had been sitting next to it earlier she started flipping through checking her notes. She had a project to work on, and she had already slept away half the day.

Deadpool raided the fridge for a drink and then strolled over to peer over her shoulder at what she was doing. He crowded against her chair ignoring the concept of personal space as usual.

"Charities?" He took in her neat writing.

Sam tilted her head back to eye him, "I'm making a list of charities for Cap, one's that are credible and fit the requirements he set out. I figure if I provide him with a list of 20 or so of them he can choose the one or two that he prefers and then we can set up a donation plan. I'm helping him organize his finances overall as well."

"I bought two of the bonds he signed and auctioned off for charity last year." Stretching over her shoulder, he put his glass down on the table.

"I heard that was immensely popular, raised millions for various charities to help repair the city after the invasion." She murmured, going back to work. "I should be done with this and have the list emailed to him in no more than an hour. Then we can do whatever you want to do."

"Whatever I want to do? You do love to live dangerously don't you." Wade's voice held more than a hint of suggestion.

Samantha tossed him a grin, "I do indeed, but let me finish this up first. Then I can devote my entire attention to whatever it is that that brain of yours is cooking." 

**Author's Notes**

 **I hope all my American peeps had a lovely holiday weekend.**

 **Thanks to everyone that left a non-member review (and all the member ones as well), they mean a ton even if I can't reply to them personally.**

 **We all made it safe and sound to the new house and are settling in nicely so looks like updates will continue as normal. Yay!**


	26. Chapter 26 Olympics

**(Pink)**

 **[White]**

 **{Yellow}**

 **I'm so sorry about the break, but I couldn't find my mojo anywhere.**

 **(MCU)**

A week had come and gone, by the time Natasha called and made solid plans for lunch with Samantha. It was a beautiful clear day in August when they, with Pepper and Darcy, managed to get everyone's schedule to mesh up. Deadpool went over to the tower with her despite her protests that she didn't need the escort. His reasoning was that he needed to ask the resident science bro's a question, so he might as well tag along with her this morning. She didn't entirely believe him, but she didn't argue the point.

During the walk over she tried to ferret out what he needed from Stark and Banner but Deadpool refused even to give a hint. When Wade and she arrived at the tower, he had waved at the assembled ladies and then headed down to the lab. Jarvis had pointed him in the direction of the correct R&D lab on his way up in the elevator with Samantha, so he knew exactly which lab. Sam watched intrigued as he headed back out. Apparently he hadn't just been using the question as an excuse, which just added to the mystery of what he might have needed from them.

"I'm not sure what but he's up to something today. I'd worry but I think Clint is still off doing god knows what for Fury." Sam murmured to herself.

"Well, it is Deadpool." Natasha pointed out.

"True enough, but I'm going to put it out of my mind for now. That way I can have lunch with y'all and thoroughly enjoy myself." Sam straightened her bag strap and turned to the others. "Well, ladies where shall we go for lunch today?" Sam was game for just about anywhere, more looking forward to the social aspects of lunch than the actual meal itself.

"How about some Italian" Pepper offered, "I know a couple of good places that are reasonably close."

Everyone agreed that that sounded good, and they headed out. Samantha was thankful when Natasha, who she hadn't seen since she'd left for D.C., didn't ask any questions about the incident. It was very likely that either Pepper or Clint had already filled her in, and she was happy she didn't have to. Instead, they enjoyed a delicious lunch and a good gab over 'normal' subjects before agreeing to take in a new exhibit at the Metropolitan Museum of Art.

They had paused to admire a piece of Chinese calligraphy on display when Darcy asked a question out of nowhere. "So since you and Deadpool have been together for a month now, and that's like a year in Deadpool relationship time, are you two going to consider having kids? Because I'm betting your kids would be cute, weird but cute."

Samantha blinked, completely startled by the question. Pepper and Natasha looked from Darcy to her waiting to see if she'd answer. "Uhm, I'd say that Wade and I don't' have that sort of relationship. I don't even know what you'd call what we have, but kids aren't ever going to be a question because I had my tubes tied after my youngest was born. So even if we were to eventually reach a point where either of us would consider them it's not a possibility."

(How do you even ask this of a person after a month of whatever?)

"Huh," Darcy shrugged, "that's a shame, you guys are cute together. It's crazy that I'm even saying this but this morning when he wandered into the tower with you he almost looked like a normal dude."

"You mean if a normal guy wore a red and black leather costume, two swords and guns." Natasha's softly accented voice was rich with irony.

Samantha laughed as she made her way towards the next example on display. "He only wears the suit to the tower or when he's working. At home, it's usually jeans and a long-sleeve shirt. Took a bit of persuasion to get him to relax at first but we're getting there. Although relaxed is a relative term when it comes to Wade, sort of like a predator sleeping in the sun, he's his version of relaxed not necessarily my version."

Samantha flipped a glance at Natasha, knowing that her friend held the same version of relaxed as Wade. She was just much better at hiding her internal tension. Changing the subject she turned to Pepper "Any idea when the CPA exam results will come in? I know it should be sometime in this next week, not that I'm anxiously waiting or anything."

Pepper smiled, "No I just know it should be this month. As soon as it comes in Jarvis will alert us both. Did you finish the list of charities you were working on for Steve?"

"She did," Natasha answered, "he was showing it to me before I left D.C. From what I saw it was quite detailed, gave a breakdown of their administrative costs, CEO's salaries, and the percentage of money that is used to benefit their cause. Like I said it was exceedingly 'detailed.'"

Samantha blushed, "He asked for a list of charities that I thought were worthwhile, I gave him the information I thought he needed. Plus I'm not exactly busy right now, so I had plenty of time to devote to the details."

"I thought Deadpool's stuff was supposed to keep you busy?" Darcy interjected.

"Not so much, it was only the paperwork that was disorganized, so once I got his desk cleaned up and made a few suggestions, which amazingly he took, I was pretty much done. So now it's all running like a well-oiled machine."

Darcy was currently interning in the R&D section of Stark Labs; she had decided to stay in New York City when Jane had left for Norway to continue her research on the BiFrost. Pepper had told Samantha privately that she was considering hiring her on as a Lab Manager/Tony's Keeper because of her unflappable demeanor. Darcy had barely blinked when Tony had accidently zeroed gravity in the lab they had been in earlier that week. She had moved into Avenger's Tower making hers a pretty easy work commute in a city known for snarled traffic.

Thanks to the close proximity and her normally raging curiosity she was happy to fill her time interrogating whichever of the Avengers crossed her path. She didn't consider Deadpool an Avenger of course but she did find him and his relationship with Sam beyond fascinating. And Pepper and Natasha were thrilled that she was doing the asking for them.

"I have to ask, what's it like living with Deadpool? I mean, I think everyone thought you'd be moving into the tower in a week, because he'd have driven you crazy, or shot you a few times. But here you are a month into it, and you seem happy." Pepper piggybacked onto the topic.

Samantha shook her head, a sphynx-like grin creeping across her features. "Wade's not a horrible roommate. He doesn't get or pretends not to get, the concept of personal space and he can be a pest when he's bored. And he talks incessantly but for the most part, he's neater than my husband was, certainly neater than my kids. Usually, what he's talking about is interesting, places he's been, things he's seen, weird movie plots from the 80s that I've forgotten. Or he'll hijack my tablet and play music I've never even heard of, but it's almost always good music."

(He thinks it is anyway.)

"Well, you'll never be bored," Natasha grinned back at her. "Although if he continues to behave himself SHIELD is going to have to reevaluate his threat level."

"Trust me, Natasha; SHIELD has much bigger fish to fry than either myself or Wade." One red eyebrow arched in bemusement Samantha studied her friend. "And besides, I have no control over whether or not he behaves himself, the fact of the matter is he's just less bored than usual."

(A bored Deadpool is a lot like an overtired toddler.)

"Uh huh, about that, how exactly are you keeping him from being bored?" Darcy's words were unassuming but her tone saucy.

"Crafting, Scrapbooking, and cake decorating," Was Sam's cheeky reply, it went against her grain to answer Darcy's question seriously.

Natasha rolled her eyes and her teeth flashed in a grin, "I can see him in a frilly pink apron."

"Now that depends on his mood." Sam sassed back.

(It's amazing the things he has tucked away in his closets.)

 **(Scene Break)**

"Hey Brucie, I need a favor from the big guy." Wade popped into the lab, where Tony and Bruce were working, with no warning.

Bruce inhaled sharply but didn't otherwise react to Deadpool's unexpected appearance. A month of Sam and Deadpool wandering in and out of the tower had gotten him habituated to Wade's quirks. Tony pushed his welding mask up and looked back over his shoulder towards the door Wade had come through.

"How the hell do you keep on getting into this lab?" Tony was more annoyed he couldn't solve the puzzle rather than the fact that Wade kept on doing it.

"Uhh I told Jarvis I needed to talk to you two, and he let me in. And I came to the tower with Sam, so I just walked through the door." Wade hopped up and sat on a clear patch of the counter. "But I could get in without his help if I wanted to, it's not like the glass isn't breakable. Anyway like I said I need a favor from both of you but mostly Hulk."

Banner took off his glasses and polished them with the hem of his shirt in a nervous gesture. "What sort of favor do you need?" He couldn't even imagine what sort of favor Deadpool would need from the Hulk, wasn't sure he wanted to think about it.

Encouraged by the fact that Banner was at least willing to hear what the favor was before turning him down he bounced in place a few times and then explained. "I need a handprint so I can make an 'I survived a Hulk smash' certificate for Coyote's birthday."

"Wait, wait," Tony interrupted, "you want to make her a certificate for being smashed for her birthday? And you think she'll like this idea?" He didn't seem convinced.

Deadpool blinked as if it had never occurred to him that Sam wouldn't like getting this as a birthday present. "Well yeah, how many people do you know could get that sort of thing for their birthday? She'll think it's hilarious." He was bobbing his head and kicking his feet as if he was keeping time to an inner soundtrack.

[Doesn't Pepper end up buying her birthday presents every year?]

{Except the giant rabbit, so birthday advice from Stark is useless.}

[That was Christmas not her birthday.]

Wade shook his head to clear the voices out and in the process missed part of what Tony was saying. "…never understand what that crazy brain of yours is cooking up. Why can't you just get her something normal like jewelry, or shoes, or a calculator."

Even Bruce smirked at that last one. "As much as she loves math Tony, I don't think she'd want a calculator for her birthday." He was still fiddling with his glasses when he turned to Deadpool. "I think we can do that assuming you can promise to behave around the big guy; he already doesn't like you." He shrugged apologetically.

"Scouts honor," Deadpool replied easily, while giving the Vulcan salute.

"Well then first off I need to know exactly how you want this hand print done."

"I was thinking green ink on a cream paper, and then the print can either be above it or below it." Wade had already given this quite a bit of thought. "We could do the handprint, and then Clint, Tony, and I could do witness signatures."

[ Like an award for her ability to bounce back.]

{Her kids would have loved it!}

"Sirs if I may interject, if Dr. Banner can Hulk out I can scan his hand and print a certificate with a perfect hand print. Then there would be no need to use an ink pad, assuming a large enough ink pad could be procured." Jarvis supplied.

"Awesome Jarv, now all we need is a Hulk" Wade hopped off the table and approached Bruce.

Bruce put up his hands in an I surrender gesture, "Whoa there Wade, I need you to be disarmed because you and the big guy aren't on the best of terms, and I don't really need to get shot or stabbed today. Mainly because I don't want to tell Sam why you're down in the infirmary re-growing an arm."

"Fair enough but this might take a while. Jarvis, give me a beat man." Wade waited until Jarvis cued up Sweet Dreams performed by Eurythmics.

"Demi has nothing on me!" Deadpool cried gleefully as he started stripping off pieces of his arsenal. He removed and dropped weapons to the beat of the music, swiveling and dancing as if he were on stage performing.

Bruce and Tony both nearly had a heart attack when one of the flash bangs bounced off the counter and rolled to a stop near Bruce's feet. He went a little green around the edges but managed to hold off the Hulk's arrival. He wanted to be sure that Deadpool was free of all weapons before they went into Lab 3 which was designed to be used for Hulk research and a calm place for him if he lost control while on this level of the tower.

As the song continued, a pile formed on the counter. While Tony had thought that he might have another gun besides the two visible on his hips and at least one knife he wasn't prepared for the sheer volume of destruction that Deadpool carried with him even when he was 'off'. He pulled two large boot knives, and a Glock 19 from his boots, another Glock and several boxes of ammo came out of one of his pouches. Another pouch contained the flash bangs and a few frag grenades, including an extra pin. Finding it, Deadpool held it up for a moment and shrugged, then moved on to the next pouch. He removed another two guns, a few throwing knives, a rubber chicken, and then reached into his final pouch and worked the M32 MGL free. An arrow and 'This way towards bad guys!' was stenciled on the side in bright red paint.

"What the fuck! That defies all the laws of physics; there is no way you had a grenade launcher hidden away in that pouch. And I know you didn't have it stuffed down those pants." Tony couldn't even begin to fathom how the hell Deadpool had managed to conceal the launcher on his person.

"Some Dr. in England made these pouches for me, they hold all sorts of stuff, and I have something even bigger hiding in my pants if you want to see it." Wade propositioned him.

Bruce was somewhat taken aback when Tony replied, "I was under the impression that Sam had that in her purse somewhere." He didn't think that teasing Deadpool about what amounted to an almost normal relationship was a good idea. Of course, he also didn't believe that pushing the merc's temper was a good idea either.

Deadpool however just laughed, "One it'd grow back even if she did try and remove it and two she'd need a bigger purse."

Despite the fact that Deadpool had laughed Stark off Bruce still watched him uneasily. While it was true, he was a lot more comfortable around the mercenary than he had been before Sam had arrived he still didn't like tempting fate. Not that Deadpool had done anything to set off the Hulk since the first night that he and Sam had appeared. A few inappropriate jokes and mania aside he had been his version of well behaved. Still he was unpredictable and his mountain of things that went bang or boom, Deadpool's terms, was unsettling. Reminding him a bit too much of Ross and the generals propensity to shoot first ask questions later.

"How much more stuff could you possibly have on you?" Bruce had switched to rubbing the bridge of his nose, his glasses still held loosely in his other hand.

Deadpool tossed a taser onto the top of the pile and turned to Bruce. "There you go big guy; that should be everything."

"Have you ever considered that you might be over packing?" Bruce tried to joke, but his tone was flat.

"It's not over packing if you use it." Deadpool reasoned.

"I still want to take a look those pouches later, and I want the Dr.'s name that made those for you." Tony smirked, "But if that's everything let's move over to Lab 3 and get this show on the road."

"He didn't really give a name, but if I remember correctly he seemed really excited about a screwdriver at the time. Anyway, he gave me the pouches and all I had to do was promise to sit and stare at some concrete angel while he and his girl went off and ran an errand." Deadpool shrugged his shoulders absently as if the question didn't concern him all that much. He was currently distracted by a debate that the voices were having.

{Have we remind him to pick up cat food this week?}

[Sam had it delivered on Wed. And we're ignoring the cat because it's a traitor.]

{You're ignoring it, the idiot still feeds it, and Sam even gets it to come inside now and then.}

[It's not coming inside, if he were solely responsible for its care it'd be dead inside a week.]

"Sam wouldn't let it die; she even feeds it while we're gone." Wade had noticed that if Sam left the fire escape window open that the cat would sometimes venture in as far as the table, but it still was skittish as all hell.

"I hope that you're referring to that cat she was feeding and not someone else in the apartment." Bruce gave him a sidelong glance, but he did recall that Samantha, and he had gone over to Deadpool's apartment so she could feed a cat, not that he had seen it at the time.

"Coyote's trying to lure it inside so that she can take it to the vet. Something about shots and being neutered, also seeing if it has a chip. I told her the lady who lives upstairs actually owns the thing, but it spends most of its time outside."

{Because her dickhead nephew torments it.}

[Not anymore he doesn't…]

Deadpool hummed in agreement.

In a short time, they were headed down the hallway towards Lab 3, Deadpool busily talking with his hands about his idea. Tony still thought it wasn't going to be something Sam wanted and was urging Deadpool to go the jewelry route, although it was a toss-up if he honestly thought jewelry was a better idea or just didn't want to see the tower come down around his ears.

"Look Lead Head I'm not buying her jewelry, if she wants it, she can buy it herself. Besides it's cliché, it's like getting a tie for Father's Day." Wade argued in return.

"Jewelry does speak to a certain permanence in a relationship." Bruce added, "And I'm not sure that's the type of gift one gives after knowing someone for a month."

"I'm sure more than one of Tony's good time girls has gotten a sparkly parting gift. Or was that his father that did that in Agent Carter? I can never keep my playboy philanthropists straight." Deadpool studied Tony trying to remember which Stark he had seen do it. "Nope wait that was your dad."

"What the hell are you prattling on about?" Tony regarded Deadpool with a decidedly annoyed look.

"Not important, just ignore me," Deadpool smiled in a winsome manner beneath his mask.

"Never mind his nonsense, let's just get this done and over with." Bruce admonished as he opened up the door to the lab. Once the trio was inside he turned to Deadpool, "Try to stay out of the big guy's space, and if at all possible don't speak."

"Harsh Brucie."

[Fair]

{He just needs a hug.}

[That would be a really bad idea.]

Bruce was already starting to morph into the Hulk; his irises had gone green, and the muscles of his back were rippling and shifting as they enlarged past the bounds of his shirt. In a mere moment, the Hulk stood before them where Bruce had just been.

"Jarvis start the scan buddy. As soon as we get it, Hulk here can relax and go back to being our science pal." Tony enjoyed the Hulk but in a confined space with Deadpool, he didn't need to press his luck. Deadpool might be able to regrow parts but his tower couldn't, neither could he for that matter.

"Scans shall be completed in approximately two minutes Sir." The AI chirped.

Hulk grunted, glaring up at the ceiling, perhaps to urge Jarvis to hurry up. Lab 3 was specially designed with reinforced walls and floor and had a 'safe' zone for the Hulk to cool down in, but that didn't negate the fact that Deadpool was still only five feet away.

"Talking Man stay away from Hulk, or Hulk smash." He grunted out.

"Got it Big Green" Deadpool held up his hands placatingly. He was leaning against the wall staying out of immediate range of Hulk's fists. He wanted this favor, and he was willing to behave to get it.

{We're going to blow up something later to make up for this lost opportunity right?}

[Most likely.]

Deadpool started humming _Boom_ by POD in complete agreement with the boxes.

Tony gritted his teeth when he realized what he was humming but didn't say anything; he didn't want to encourage Deadpool. And so long as it didn't bother Hulk he was going to leave it be.

"Scan complete Sirs, uploading and matching to various available certificate designs. Mr. Wilson final design will be available for your approval in a few moments." Jarvis intoned.

"Thanks, Jarvis, although no more of this Mr. Wilson shit, and thanks to Big Green." Without thinking about it, when did he ever, Deadpool moved forward and slapped Hulk on the back in what could have been interpreted as a friendly gesture. It was just too bad Hulk didn't interpret it that way.

Hulk reached back over his shoulder and grabbed Deadpool by the head and neck and flung him into the far wall. The only concession he made to the spirit of Wade's contact was not to follow it up with a pummeling. Wade, cat-like, managed to do a gymnastics move, using the wall as a springboard at the last moment and landing on his feet after a mid-air summersault. It was both a testament to his reflexes and the fact that the Hulk wasn't trying to hurt him so much as just get rid of him.

"Sorry man, I forgot personal space was the mantra of the day." He cheerfully remarked.

{We totally stuck that landing, we should be on our way to Rio for the Olympics.}

[The Olympics are for non-mutants.]

{But think of all the tits and ass in Rio!}

[That's Carnival, not the Olympics.]

{Fuck}

Jarvis' polished voice brought him out of his internal dialog and focused his attention. "Mr. Wilson, my apologies, Mr. Deadpool, did you want cream certificate stock or white? And am I to assume that you wish to use green ink for the hand print but black ink for the wording?"

"Jarvis it's just Deadpool, no Mr. and cream with black print will be spank worthy."

"Very good Just Deadpool, do you have the wording prepared or shall I provide you with a few options?"

"Jarvis, has anyone ever told you that you get your sparkling personality from your father? And I have a general idea of what I want but lay me out some options." Beside Deadpool, a screen lit up displaying various formats of Sam's Smashing Certificate.

As Deadpool looked them over, Hulk came up beside him and studied them. Pointing to the middle option, he rumbled, "Hulk like this one, Hulk sign."

Wade smiled and nodded in agreement.

 **Author's Notes:**

 **Again I'm so VERY sorry about the break; I had a hard time settling into a writing routine in the new house, and I couldn't for the life of me find my mojo. For now, I'm going with a schedule of an update ever other Tuesday; it may be more often, but I don't want to lie to y'all.**

 **An M32 MGL is a multi-grenade, grenade launcher frequently used by American military forces, or so Google tells me. In the comics, he's known for having crazy weapons squirreled away in his pouches. The pouches Tardis-like capacity is in the comic books, but the reasoning in this fic is all Onitsu Blackfeather.**


End file.
